Just for You & You Know Who You Are

I've known you all your life. I've watched you grow into such an incredible man. You are smart, funny, wonderfully creative. You are a nurturer, a problem solver, a thinker, and a humanitarian. You are above all determined.

I have always been so proud of you but I've never taken credit for you being who you are. How could I? I admire you so much as a person, and I LIKE you. You have been my rock, and you've always understood me, sometimes, most times, better than I understand myself.

You are my 2nd born, but never 2nd in my heart. Your love, since I first held you in my arms, has been constant and steady. You are the child of my heart. You are my heart, and never doubt it and never forget it.

Don't give up on me. If anyone can move this mountain, I believe you can!

Who knew...

..that someone who prides herself in really & truly liking to live alone, who values her privacy very highly, and who enjoys her own company could come home and feel so out of place in a such a quiet house?? I find myself tiptoeing around and whispering to my little dog. What's up with that?
Could it be I'm really lonely?

Nah.....I'll get used to it again.

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON...

Happens Tonight.

Early Morning Pondering

As of six o'clock this morning, my home is my own again. My mother's heart is hopeful he will make it this time. My mother's heart misses his presence already. My mind is full of questions.
How long this time? Will he move forward and then three steps backwards? Or will he MAKE it this time? Will he fly alone? Will he be the man he CAN be? I guess only time will tell.
And so life goes on......

At Last There is Movement in my Universe

Just when I thought I was lost in a black hole!

My Day off, Sort of

Today I'm off, it's my regular day off but I've got two conference calls. Because of the holiday our regular conference call was put back one day plus I have an extra one at one thirty that I am having to take too. So....I'm conferencing all day long it seems.
I had a hard time falling asleep last night but I've got one of those "perfect" pots of coffee here and it's helping a bunch. It is my theory that when that first pot of coffee is one of those really good ones, it's a sign the day is going to be a good one. So, based on that, I'm going to have a good day, conference calls and all!

Where have I gone?

GENTLE SPIRIT by MARIE BUCHFINK

All my life I've had a gentle spirit, but in this "pause" in my life, this "age" that I am, this "change" I am going through...I've lost that spirit. It is raging, it is not calm, it is downright scary sometimes. Have I lost this piece of me? Will my spirit return or did it belong to someone who is forever lost? Should I go searching for it or will it come back to settle inside of me? These are questions that I ask myself daily. These are questions that are yet to be answered.

Birds are her thing....

.......and she loves them and although she's Too Busy To Blog, she's blogging! Pop over and visit as she logs the birds she sees around her house and the interesting info she posts about them and say hi.

Compromises

No Coffee, I'll have tea.
No Oatmeal, I'll have toast.
No T.V. reception, I'll listen to the radio.
All of a sudden my life is all about compromises.
I guess I can live with that.

And How Does Your Garden Grow?

Wish I were there Haleigh, helping you.

"Mumbo Jumbo"

There was a time when my thoughts were clear and I seemed to understand things. I hope I will get to that place again but for now, my mind feels a bit like this. Nothing is clear or defined and I fear sometimes I'm stuck here in this place where everything is all mixed up and always in a state of confusion.
But that's ok, I will work through it and come out better I know. Just a part of life and something I have to face right now.

Happy Memorial Day!

Yesterday I spent a good part of the day working on a new "lens" for my Squidoo project. I have a pretty popular lens there "Recipes with 5 or Less Ingredients" and I had a few people wanting me to do one for vegetarian recipes, so that's what I did. It turned out pretty good, so we'll see. It's here if you want to check it out. And if you haven't already, check out the whole site. It's a lot of fun for me, but there are people who are really making money there.
I slept a lot yesterday too. Tired I guess. I've got some jewelry projects to work on, I may get into that today, not sure yet.

I'm starting off slow today, it's nine o'clock and I'm just now having coffee. But I think that's the kind of day it's going to be and I'm going to enjoy it without guilt even though there is plenty to do around here. I'm going to be LAZY again!

Looking for a little of this....

...in my life again.

Remembering

I'd like to be walking on a beach somewhere. I think I need to get away! Anyway, I wish this pic would show up bigger and better but it's one of my favorites of my son and his daughter. It was Easter Day 2005 and it was cold! It was the first time I ever saw the Pacific Ocean.

Cute huh?

Supper is Served

I learned a new trick tonight. I came home from work and said, "I'm tired, you get to cook supper tonight!"
He asks, "What do I cook?"
And I say, "You have to decide!"
So, here's the menu:

Broiled Tilipia
Sauted peppers and onions
Baked potatoes
Cole Slaw

And it was very good, (fish is not my favorite, but I buy it anyway trying to learn to like it since it's good for you) and made him feel good too I think.
Also we talked about yesterday's fiasco about the job. Talk is good. Action would be better, but we'll start somewhere.

Positivity Please!

I dreamed that blogger wrote to me and asked me to stop posting such depressing entries.....lol that they were getting complaints. That's about right, probably related to all the unhappy customers I had yesterday that had complaints. Alrighty then. Even though it was a dream, I'm going to try and stay positive here, goodness! Living with someone who is usually depressed is not easy, but I'm going to try. Using my blog as an outlet for those feelings helps a little and it's not like I have a lot of readers, but maybe staying positive here will help me stay positive for real. No promises, we'll see.

Some People.......

...drink to escape their problems, some people take drugs......I dream of my little cabin in the woods. It's a lot cheaper and better for my health.

He just doesn't get it and maybe never will!

After a rough day where people were grumpy and ready to complain about everything in the world, I came home, dragging in groceries and was greeted by my son.

He: Hey!
Me: Hey, did you call back on the job lead?
He: No.
Me: Why not?
He: I just didn't, I'll call Monday.
Me: Monday is a holiday!
He: So.......I'll call Tuesday!
Me: (Speechless)
He: Well, thanks for making me feel like CRAP!


It would do no good to explain to him that maybe someone who wants the job a lot more than he does DID call today and blew them away and is probably starting first thing Tuesday morning. It would do no good to try to make him understand supporting him is breaking me and that these groceries I just spent 50 bucks on would only be a third of that if it were just me.
It would do no good to explain any of this to him because I just made HIM feel like crap!
GEEZ......will this ever end? Do I have to put him on the street? Is that how homeless people become homeless people? NOT because they have nobody to help them but simply because they don't try and help themselves?
It's a no win situation here. I could have NO peace if I thought he had no where to sleep, nothing to eat. I can have NO peace here with him living off me like this.
How did he miss the lesson that you have to support yourself? How does he justify that THIS is ok?
Well, because he is not OK. He is Bipolar big time and will not accept that fact or get help for that either. And so.....the ending to this, no matter how much I want to pretend he will be ok, the truth is.....I'm not sure he will be. I'm not sure I will be.
Tonight I am crying tears only a mother can understand. Tonight I am having to face some truths because for his own good, for my own good...he's got to get help.
How, I'm not sure.
I have nobody to turn to, they think I should just turn my back on him. I can't do that. I'm alone in this, just as I've always been with this child of mine that is no longer a child.
I'm at a lose at what to do.
And whatever I do, it is going to HURT! Both of us.
And that's just not right or fair,
But as we all know, life ain't fair!

It's a holiday weekend for some folks, for me not so much although I do have Sunday and Monday off. So I have half a holiday weekend off.
Business is slow for a number of reasons, gas prices, summer coming, nobody much interested in buying glasses right now. But....we still have to try as best we can and so we do.
All the morning shows this morning have segments on the "best" Memorial day recipes. My parents are at KOA this weekend camping with friends. Kids are graduating from High school so there are cars all around town with "Class of 2007" written all over them. The interstate will be so crowded going to Florida that at times it will come to a standstill. Families are visiting family. The smell of charcoal will be in the air. All is pretty normal for this Memorial Day weekend.
Hope you have a good and safe one!

Isn't it Amazing?

At 82!

Something Worth Sharing

Someone sent me this today via e-mail. It's pretty moving, thought I'd share.

"Our Sons & Daughters."

A Favorite Author

I've been hooked on Dorothea Benton Frank's novels from the very first one. She is one of those authors that I simply can't wait until her books come out in paperback. I ordered the newest one from Amazon Sunday and got it yesterday and have almost finished it tonight. This book is such a pretty book. I swear, even if I'd never heard of her and I saw this book in a store, I'd have to buy it.....lol. Everytime I catch a glimpse of it I admire it. Anyway, you can read all about her here if you're so inclined and would like to read an author who really and truly creates characters you grow to know and really miss when you're done reading. Not anything too deep, but light and funny and nearly always about someone being brave enough to change their lives.

A Good Day Sunshine

Someone wished me a great day today and I did have one. My son has a lead on a job....thank goodness. He'll call tomorrow after they look at his application. Keeping my fingers, toes, legs, arms, and eyes crossed.
I went to the Dell site and they sent me a restart disc for my Dell desktop and we got it today, and it worked!
We had a pleasant day at work, although business was slow, we were all in a good mood and had lots of fun.
And we had a good supper, a perfect pot of coffee, and nice conversation. So things are lookin up, let's hope they continue to do so.
It was a good day.

Sending Subliminal Thoughts to a certain person

YOU must get a job!
You need a job!
Please get a job!
JOB JOB JOB JOB JOB JOB JOB JOB JOB JOB JOB JOB!!!!

Thinking of Bonnie

I get an email everyday that tells me what happened in history on that date and today is the day in 1934 that Bonnie and Clyde were killed by Texas and Louisiana State police. They were shot to death while driving a stolen car. They'd been on the run for three months at this time and were finally traced to Louisiana.
This got me to thinking of Bonnie. She was only 23 when she was killed, and I wondered how she got caught up in her life of crime and was she so in love with Clyde that she didn't care where it lead? So...I had to research.
She was a tiny little thing, 4'11 and 90 lbs. Bonnie was an honor roll student in high school and made introductory speeches for local politicians when they came to town and she even won awards for creative writing. In fact she even wrote a poem called "The Story of Bonnie and Clyde".
Bonnie got married at 15 to a fellow named Roy Thornton and while he was serving time in prison, she got a job as a waitress and that's when she met Clyde. He was soon imprisoned and she visited him everyday and when he got out, that's when her life began with him.
There's lots of controversy about whether she was a hardened criminal and if she had even ever fired a gun, but by association she was as guilty as Clyde and if you read her poem she was perfectly aware of how things would end.
I've tried to imagine her life. She's 15 and married and her husband is in prison. She's never known anything but poverty. Life looks pretty bleak I suppose. Then she meets Clyde. I couldn't really find anything that explained why she was so obsessed with him, but she was evidently. And that being said, I'd say she chose this life knowing exactly what she was getting into. And I guess if all you've known is poverty and you don't see any relief in life, no way to climb out of that, maybe at the tender age of 16 you'd decide to take whatever excitment you can latch on to. So, that's what she did. I bet she didn't know just how well known she'd be in death. Or maybe she did. For whatever reasons her choice was, I'm remembering Bonnie today. I hope she's resting in peace.

What's so Funny???

Tonight five little girls came into the store. They were around 10 or 11 in age, they all wore glasses and they all wanted them cleaned and adjusted. As I worked on their glasses one by one, I watched them try on frames. They started off trying on some that they would have actually worn but then one of them picked the biggest, ugliest plastic man's frame she could find and modeled it for the others. The giggles exploded and I couldn't help but laugh as each one of them chose ugly glasses to try on. The sound of their giggles reminded me of a time when I was about that age. My best friend, at that time, and I could giggle up a storm.
Sometimes I'd babysit for the people across the street and the man of that family was about forty at the time. His family consisted of all sons and the sound of us giggling tickled him to death. He'd say, "I'll give you both a dollar if you can go five minutes without giggling." Of course we couldn't. All we'd have to do if to look at each other and we burst into waves of giggles. We never got that dollar he offered us every time he saw us together but I think he'd have been really disappointed if we could have controlled those giggles.
Somewhere along the line I think I lost the art of good giggling. That's a shame too. You see, a giggle is different from a laugh. You giggle at things that aren't even all that funny, you giggle when you are a little nervous and don't know what to say and you giggle with someone who knows the difference in giggles and laughter and giggles are very contagious. And only little girls can do it with real justice. I miss those days of giggling.

Native American Wisdom

Hold on to what is good,
Even if it’s a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe,
Even if it’s a tree that stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do,
Even if it’s a long way from here.
Hold on to your life,
Even if it’s easier to let go.
Hold on to my hand,
Even if someday I’ll be gone away from you.

A Pueblo Indian Prayer

Tuesday Morning Musings

Up early this morning for my regular Tuesday morning conference call. Got my coffee in hand and Cinnamon Raisin bread in the toaster. I'm ready to settle down to the sound of my district manager's voice and those of my fellow manager's as we try to come up with solutions on how to get people to spend money they don't have. Ummmm....

The air is filled with smoke this morning. It burns your throat and your eyes and reminds me of the days of my childhood in my neighborhood when people regularly burned their own garbage in a big drum. It's not a pleasant smoke smell like leaves simmering or Uncle Bill's pipe.

Also we are in such a drought. The land is so dry and dusty. Time for a rain dance I believe.

One minute I'm fine, the next minute I am sick, sick, sick, got to throw up kind of sick. I fought it for as long as I could and then left work, came home, got it over with and now I'm fine! The culprit I believe was the lettuce I used for my lunch salad today.
ANYWAY I'm glad it wasn't a virus or something.

Breakfast is SERVED!

Ok, one good thing about having a roommate is that HE sometimes actually cooks. Today, his speciality as of now, Breakfast Burrito. Ok, actually it's after one o'clock so technically it's not breakfast but I smell the Turkey bacon cooking and I hear the eggs cracking.......and I'm hungry! YAY! I love it when somebody else cooks! Actually it is good for my eating that he is here because it's no fun to cook for just yourself and I ate way too many Lean Cuisines and easy stuff that wasn't that great for me. But now I cook and we eat healthy and more of a balanced thing. That is good.
I'm hoping this is the week he gets a job. I have more thoughts on that which I will share later.
Happy Sunday everybody!

SURPRISE!

I redecorated, needed new colors. That bright blue was getting a little, well, BRIGHT!
Today I'm rearranging my bedroom. Feel like change! Want everything different.
I'm on a mission today to feel NEW!

In the Stars For Today

Your security is transient, with the Sun spending its last day in your sign. Even if nothing has changed, you cannot rest easy as you dream of your future. Everything feels unstable, provoking you to rigidly hold on to the status quo; however, this strategy will bring unhappiness. Let the shift unfold at its own rate. As long as you are moving in the right direction, success is likely.

Computer Central

Here's what it's like at my house lately. I have a desk top computer that has a problem that I've not been able to solve lately. This happened soon after my son arrived. This caused me a little grief in that we "shared" my laptop. I DO NOT like sharing my laptop. (I'm an only child, I'm not that good at sharing anyway). A friend of mine had an IBM Notebook that he was pretty sure had died but he sent it to me just in case I could get it up and running. Well......I did. So now, HE has his own laptop, to screw up, load up, change settings to his heart's desire. We still have to share a phone line but that's no problem. So, here we sit tonight, me in the recliner with my laptop, he on the couch with his laptop and the desktop still waiting to be brought back to life. If I can get that one running, we'll be set with computers!

This is such a beautiful picture to me, along the Wall of China. So peaceful looking. Click on it for a better look.
I'm such a fan of Amy Tan and I've been engrossed in a novel by her called The Hundred Secret Sences. Guess that's why my mind's in China this morning.

HOPE

I've had a strange week. I feel like I've been betrayed by someone I trusted more than anyone. It's thrown me off kilter a little but I'm recovering and I understand and I can forgive but things will never be the same, and that's sad.
My best friend is going through a bad time and my heart aches for her. Life just is strange right now. Nothing seems to make since to me.
But....life is like that sometimes and I'm hoping for better times. Hope is a wonderful thing, you know. HOPE: ( the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best). Without it I'd have not much sometimes.

In the Name of Love

Sometimes trying to help someone out of love isn't the answer. Sometimes no matter what other people think would be best for you, it just isn't. And though you appreciate it and maybe to others what you are doing doesn't make since, you have to do what you have to do for whatever reasons. And sometimes in the name of Love, the people you trust the most make mistakes and then you have to learn to forgive, even though they don't know you feel betrayed or that you need to forgive them.
Life is sure complicated sometimes. Or perhaps I just make it that way!

Sometimes the Truth Hurts

It hurts him to hear it, it hurts me to say it but it has to be said and it has to be heard. My heart breaks for this child of mine. This man. It's easy for those on the outside to mistake his pain for arrogance and anger. It's easy to just think he is happy to depend on other people, he is "playing" me. If that's the way they see it, I can understand that. But I can see inside his soul. I can feel his pain as vividly as if it were my own. And I am helpless in what to do. I am so helpless.
I would gladly exchange any happiness that were mine for the rest of my life to be his for the rest of his time here. I want him to know what it feels like to be independent, to be happy with who he is. I want him to realize how special he is, how kind he can be. I want him to feel loved.
He feels all alone, even though I am right here. I am not enough. I was when he was a little baby, but that was the last time I could fulfill all his needs. Now it's up to him and he doesn't know how to do it. And neither do I!

Just a Little BLAH today

Maybe I'm just tired but I've fought the blues all day today. I had a pleasant enough day. Got to talk to my son that lives far away for a long time, my other son is here with me. His mood unfortunately depends on mine and I just couldn't pretend to be all that happy today and therefore neither was he. He's got to jump start his life. I can't do that for him and I just keep waiting patiently. There's nothing I could say to him that he doesn't know already. Yet nothing that happens to him seems to motivate him to jump into his life. My heart aches for him. I don't know what to do.
I'm still at a crossroad in my own life. I'm distracted for awhile from time to time but then I have to think about what I want, what I need to be happier than I am now.
I'm hanging in mid air and I talk about my son needing to jump into his life but I need to do the same. If I need changes I need to decide what they are and follow through. I'm sick and tired of being where I am. I need something to lead me, in my own way I'm just as lost as he is. How'd that happen?

The Results are in.....

...and the Turquoise brought $40 and the Butterfly brought in $30, so that's not a bad donation for a little kid to get to go to camp. I'm proud.
Tomorrow we have a yard sale, very early, a pancake breakfast, and some other activities.
I'm tired and have to get up very early but feel good about the work. And so happy my jewelry raised a respectable amount to donate.

Just an Update

Busy around here so just an up-date. Helping my mother this weekend with the KOA fundraiser for Kids with Cancer to go to Camp. There are lots of activities planned to raise money and one thing is the silent auction. These are the two sets of jewelry that I've donated. I hope they'll raise some money. One is Turquoise and silver the other one has the shell butterfly pendant with glass and moonstones and blue lace agate. We'll see what happens. Wish me luck.
The event will actually start this afternoon with live music and hotdogs on the grill and the silent auction. In the morning, very early, a yard sale and more music and some other things. So that's where I'll be.

Why does it always have to be right or wrong?

I grew up with a mother that decided long ago that her way was the right way and everyone else's was just wrong! As she's aged this concept has stayed the same only to avoid confrontation I guess she doesn't state it with words to your face. She says it to other people or she tells you of something else but you know she is talking about your situation. And at the ripe old age of 50, which is what I am now, you'd think it wouldn't still bother me. But my child, my eldest, has always been the hot spot with us. And so it begins. And I can't take it. And I'm not going to!
I already know what SHE'D do. I already know how she supports a child when they are down and out and not sure what to do. I've experienced this first hand. But I'm not her and this is not US. This is me and how I help my child out. SO why can't she just let it be?
When does this end? How do I end this? At this point in mine and her lives it is stupid to be at odds with each other. How well I know this. How well I know.
I have to do what feels right to me. When I tried to do this when he was a child I got side tracked by she and her husband and I listened to them instead of my own mother's intuition. I'm not doing it again.

Deja Vu

The first weeks of my oldest son's life he got his nights and days mixed up. He and I were up when the rest of the world slept and we slept while normal people lived their lives. I never knew thirty years later the same thing would be going on, only this time he is on his own.

Sometimes I wish I were a Mermaid...

..........and I wonder if I were, would I wish to be a woman???

My Favorite Birthday Present

Thanks, Steph. You always know what I'll like!

Just a Boring Tuesday

Today I go in late to close and it is the last day I'll work this week. I'm taking a few days off Vacation. Origionally it was to help my mother with a Fund Raiser she does every year but she seems to have a lot of help and it looks like only Friday and maybe Saturday will be dedicated to that. So I'll have at least three days that will be mine.
I'm still working on my house and with my son here trying to get some much needed maintanance done. With his depression and my lack of funds that hasn't moved along too fast but maybe this week we can make some progress.
At our office our Dr. is on vacation and so that makes us a little less busy than normal but we have lots to do in preparation for a Big Contact Lens Event we have in June.
That's about it for today. Hope everyone has a good week.

I survived!

Ok, I am 50! And I survived the birthday. Now I live it. I'll live it to the best of my ability. I am going to search for the balance that I believe is the true secret to happiness. Life can't be lived happily being selfish and doing what you want. No matter what happens, other people are affected by what we do. But I believe there is a balance one can achieve where you find happiness by doing what you can for others and in turn it comes back to you. At the same time, you can't do things based on what you think others want you to do for their own selfish reasons. I'm searching for the balance.
And so a new phase starts in my life. My instinct tells me this journey will not be always easy but maybe the most rewarding part of my life thus far. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I may stumble from time to time but I am going to learn to keep my balance and we'll see where it leads me.

Native American Wisdom

Learn how to withhold judgment
Learn to listen
Get in touch with your own inner self
Look at life with joy
Don't ever cry over something that cannot cry over you.

Cheewa James
Modoc

A Sad Story of the Sentimental Can of Spam

My son is sharing my home with me again. Due to circumstances in his life he is taking the opportunity to try and get his life together. I've lived alone for close to ten years. Not only did my son join me but he brought along a little black puppy named Molly.
To tell this sad tale I must explain why I had a certain can of Spam in my food cabinet. About eight years ago I was having some really serious money problems and a dear friend of mine helped me out a bunch. One day after things were much better for me, he sent me this can of Spam and told me to keep it so that if I ever found myself in such a mess I'd always have that can of Spam to eat. It was a joke of course but by keeping that can of Spam it reminded me that I never ever wanted to be in the situation I was in again.
And so that said, it sat in my cabinet. New food came and went but this can of Spam sat there.
Now, yesterday I was about to buy groceries so I called my son to ask if he wanted anything special. He said, "Well, the puppy is out of food, if you could pick up a bag."
"Oh sure, no problem."
"There was a can of Spam in the cabinet and I gave it to her this morning."
I nearly dropped the phone.
"YOU opened that can of Spam?"
"Yeah, was that bad?"
"Well, for one it is pretty old, I'm surprised it was still good and two, it sort of meant something to me."
"Mama! You're the only person I know who'd keep a can of Spam for sentimental reasons!"
I explained to him why I had. Of course he felt bad but I couldn't be mad. How'd he know? And at least the sentimental Spam went for a good cause. And it proves that Spam does last forever.
So long Spam, oh buddy, oh pal. And that is the story of the Sentimental Can of Spam.

It's mine now and I will wear it proudly and stand TALL!

GULP........

Tomorrow's the Big Day! Well actually I only have a few more hours to be 49. But you know what? As much as I've moaned and groaned and fought it the whole way, I'm going to embrace and think of it as a whole new journey. Yep, that's what I'm gonna do! So I'm kissing my 40's goodbye and hello 50's! We're gonna have a good ride, I can just feel it!

IN Honor of my 50th Birthday......

Here's 50 things about me:






1. I've worn glasses since I was 12 but needed them probably two years before I actually got them.
2. Minnie Pearl held me when I was a baby.
3. The first boy I ever kissed was named Rocky Cartwright.
4. When I was ten I traded a neighbor boy my prized Roy Rogers Bubble Gum Machine ring for a day of wearing his cowboy boots. I wore them without socks and had blisters on both heels that nearly killed me!
5. My favorite uncle was my Uncle Glen and he called me "Pumpkin".
6. After Uncle Glen had his own little girl, he called her "Pumpkin" and I never forgave him.
7 When I was pregnant with my first son I ate tomato sandwiches lathered in mayo, on white bread, covered in black pepper.
8. I gave birth to this same son naturally with no drugs at all.
9. My favorite meal is tuna salad with rice and English peas. (I barely like these foods alone or with anything else but I love them together.)
10. I also like cole slaw with spaghetti.
11. When I was three a small military plane crashed in the field behind my house,and that's the first memory I have.
12. I've been in the hospital five times in my life if you count my own birth.
13. I am an only child.
14. I got married when I was 19, had a baby at 20 and got divorced at 33
15. I’ve shook Jimmy Carter’s hand three times.
16. I once replaced a heater core in a car all by myself (with help from my friend over the phone)
17. I’ve never had a broken bone.
18. I’ve always had either a cat or a dog in my life.
19. I was positive that my second son was going to be a girl, but I’m glad he wasn’t.
20. I live in the Watermelon Capitol of the world.
21. I grew up about ten mile from Warm Springs, Georgia.
22. I have absolutely no business sense.
23. I am directionally challenged, if you say right, I go left.
24. I do not have cable T.V. nor do I want it.
25. My Daddy’s nickname for me was “Rooster” and I know not why.
26. I had a secret desire once to become a Locksmith.
27. I’ve never had but one brand new car in my life and my ex wrecked it when it was only a few months old.
28. Late afternoon is my favorite time of the day.
29. I used to could blow a bubble in a bubble in a bubble in a bubble with Bazooka Bubble Gum.
30. I truly believe that at least three times in my life I’ve been touched by an angel.
31. I have some sort of connection with American Natives and am drawn to nearly everything about them.
32. There have been times in my life when I’ve cried because I’m not pretty.
33. There have been times in my life when I was glad I’m not pretty.
34. There have been times in my life when I thought I was almost pretty.
35. I once lived in a house owned by the guy who played “Enos” on Dukes of Hazard.
36. I got evicted from that house because I couldn’t pay the rent on time.
37. I didn’t really start drinking coffee until I was in my 40’s.
38 I’ve worked six jobs in my lifetime.
39. I used to could bend my thumb back and touch my arm.
40. I realized early on that I thought a little different from most of the people in my life.
41. I love rocks and gemstones and wish I’d studied to be an archaeologist.
42. I’m really surprised I spelled archaeologist and spell check didn’t underline it.
43. I want a log cabin deep in the woods.
44. I really have no desire to ever get married again.
45. Being a parent was the hardest thing I ever did in my entire life.
46. My mother and I are exact opposites in most ways.
47. I’ve confirmed what a boring person I am by how boring my 50 things are.
48. My favorite thing that I own is a poster of an Orca Whale for sentimental reasons.
49. I’ve only been to seven other states in the United States.
50. And here’s my not so favorite number, but I’m going to learn to like it!!!!!

A Real Day off at Last

Today is my first real day off in a while that is all mine, sort of.
Still in the middle of cleaning and decluttering my house and today it will be my bedroom I think. It is hard for me to throw things out or give things away. I must be selfish or something but much of what I have are things people have given me through the years and I feel guilty getting rid of those things. It's hard! But one only has so much room.
Right now I'm about to have some breakfast. My son is not up yet, and I have a little solitude for a while yet. He is in the "stay up all night" and "sleep all day" routine. That's ok for now. This journey of his is a process and this time he seems to accept the fact that his marriage is over and can't work and that is a step in the right direction. It's just that when he gets so down on himself he is not pleasant but he is trying and I am trying and there has to be a pay off for that somewhere down the line, doesn't there?
In three more days I will reach the age of 50. It's like I'm counting down to an explosion or a lift off or something. As if I'm going to wake up and feel any different.
And so, that's where I am today. Not really anywhere but moving right along.

Nothing "feels" right to me

Things either feel right to me or they don't. Lately nothing seems to feel right. I can't explain it but when things are in sync, when I am doing or thinking what makes me feel the best, it just feels right in a certain place in my soul. Things come together,things work out and everyone's happy. Not so for a while now. It will get better, I am sure of it but in the meantime I feel like I'm just in limbo, waiting, watching, hoping for WHAT I don't even know but when it does happen I know it will feel right.