I joined an online group for parents of suicide victims. I'm not sure it is the place for me. I'm still reading through some of the posts and it is a little assuring that people have the same thoughts as me mostly. But instead of making me feel better, it really kind of depresses me more , I don't think I like it.

This weekend is Amy's last weekend to do "Cabaret". Her voice is about gone because the singing in this one is BIG and Brassy and she did do back to back shows. She went to the Dr. and he gave her pills to help protect her vocal chords so they won't be damaged.
It will seem strange to have her home on weekends, she's been doing this since Jan. I think, at least that is when she started rehearsals. She has had a good time but it will be good for her to
rest up.

Nothing much else going on, I have no big weekend plans. Last weekend I went to Seattle to a theater called The Fifth Avenue to see a play called "On the Town ". It was fun.
Happy Weekend!

Cooking and Reading

Well, let's see. Today I read and read and researched to death how to cook a round bottom roast. I didn't want a roast to cook to death as in a pot roast, I wanted a "roasted roast" to slice thin and have with corn on the cob, sweet potato fries and slaw. I got a little worried when I read that this cut of beef was tough and tasteless but I did find recipes where people did them all the time and just like I imagine it to be. It is cooking now, so we shall see.
I'm also in the middle of a book that is really good. It's called Summer's Child and I bought it on a whim at the grocery store the other day. Not sure I'd be able to read, it is always a risk of wasting my money. But I'm glad I bought it, it is good.
I've decided I really like cooking for people. For so long there I didn't have anyone to cook for. I'm going to miss doing that when I do get my own place. No fun to cook for just yourself.

Another Day

Tonight we had a special supper celebration for Haleigh who auditioned Saturday for "Cinderella" at a local community theater. Like mother like daughter. She is in the ensemble much to her dismay, she'd like to start at the top like she thinks her mother did. Her mother did not but it seems like to Haleigh she did.

I sent out a few resumes this afternoon. It would be nice just to have some interviews to go to. I just know things will happen as they are suppose to but with time on my hands I tend to think WAY too much. A friend of mine says I need to think, that I'm still healing but thinking causes me too much pain. I think I am going to have to have some help to get through some of the feelings I have. I'm going to give it a bit more time but I don't think my thoughts are moving in the right direction.

It doesn't help that May 22nd is coming. It will be two years since Jonathan died. It seems like just yesterday but the funny thing is the pain of his loss feels more raw now than ever. I guess the numbness has worn off. Grief is one of the strangest emotions I've ever experienced, it is unpredictable. It sneaks up on you just when you think you are handling things well. It
is unexplainable, you can't explain to someone who is not close to it too. It is lonely. It is hard. I don 't like it a bit but loss is a part of life sooner or later. But like they say, it is un-natural to have to lose one of your children.

Anyway, back to Haleigh. She wanted Spaghetti for dinner & so it was. I cooked and had it ready when she and her mom got back from dance class. She had fresh flowers on the table and real plates and the works! We had sparkling cider which I put on ice in a bucket and she asked me if that's how they did it in the old days. HAHA, very funny. I guess she thinks I lived before we had refrigerators. She thinks I'm quite elderly you know. And then for desert she and her mom went and got ice cream cup cakes from Stone Cold Creamery. Very sinful they are!!! She was cute, enjoyed herself immensely. I know she'll have fun doing the play. Can't wait to see it. So glad I'm here to see it.

And so, life goes on. Day after day, life goes on............... thank goodness.

Here I GO Again

Well, I took such a long time off from blogging, I'm not sure I still know how. Oh, well, I'll try. Writing has always helped me sort through things and that's what the blog does for me. I wasn't sure I'd blog again, and who knows, maybe I won't for a while after this one but I feel the need to write so here goes.
I'm so confused. Of course I've been confused most of my life but this confusion came to me quite unexpectedly and I can't seem to get over it. It bothers me. They say time heals all things but I am not sure I buy that.
People told me all the time how strong I was to get through that terrible year of 2008 but I did not come from it unscathed. And the question is, the big question I have is this, am I shutting myself down or can I not help it? Who is this person that looks like me but doesn't think like the old me or feel like the old me? Will I never be who I was and if not, who am I?
Ok, ok, I'll explain in more details.
NOTHING excited me, makes my heart go thump thump, makes me feel so happy I could burst. Sometimes I get close. Like back last winter when we saw the big gray whale right here. I almost get excited when I go to Seattle, I love the city and all the noises and people and all that is going on there but still, almost it gets me going, but not quite. I just need to FEEL! And there is the question, am I deliberately making myself not FEEL?
And I'm not sure my brain works like it used to. I seem to not ever be really thinking about things. I mean I am functioning. I do the things you do, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, shopping for clothes and other things one needs. But I don't think much deeper.
I'm not sure what is going on with me.
Stay tuned.