THe Cotton Rose

Special People

I work for a Retail chain of Optical Stores and we are divided into districts. In my district there are 15 stores and since I've been manager there's not been much of a turn over as far as Managers are concerned and so with a conference call once a week and meetings ever so often, some of us have known each other a long time. And we really like each other.
You may remember back a few months ago, one of the managers and her team (none of which I know except the manager) sent me the coolest package of a big ole bag of Skiddles and a Rainbow card which they all signed and wrote me the promise of a rainbow to come. It made my day. Since then, at least every few weeks or so, I've gotten a package from them.
After the rainbow package I got a book and a card, once again signed by all the employees, with such sweet messages. I got next fuzzy purple socks and fuzzy bedroom shoes. Last week the theme was Fall, complete with a Trick or Treat bag, a glow stick, a pot holder and dish cloth with pumpkins,all tied up in a green ribbon, which happens to be my favorite color and of course that card, where they all take the time to write such sweet messages.
I'm not sure they get how much these little things mean to me. First of all, that they take the time to do this for me, someone they only know through the manager. And the manger herself, who inspires me and keeps me going with emails and love. I will never ever forget what they have done for me. The funny thing is I get that package when I really need a lift. Every time!
They don't read my blog, I don't share it with many people I actually know, but I write an email every time and the manager prints it out and takes the email to work so they all know how much it means to me.
I am glad to have people like this in my life. Sometimes love comes from places you would least expect it to. And it brings a little bit of the world to me since I'm so stuck here. And I am so blessed to have them. They are really something.

Hello Fall!

I began this journey back in the Spring. I had no idea when I went for a hysterectomy what was ahead of me. If I'd known, maybe I would have ran and hid under the covers. But life has to be faced, you can't hide.
And now, after the long hot summer, Fall has arrived. It is my favorite season. I hope it will bring some calmness and better times but if it doesn't I know I am strong and can face what there is to come. You learn these things when you go through two of the worse days of your life. First when they tell you that you have Cancer, and then, a month later, they tell you your son is not alive anymore.
You learn a lot about yourself.
The fatigue has gotten inside my body and taken a toll on me in the last few days. There is no way to describe it, you have to kind of experience it, which I hope anyone reading this, never has to.
And this is the time, as I've mentioned recently, that for some reason in between treatments, it works on my emotions. So, I have to constantly remind myself that this will not last forever.
Today starts a new season, and it would be nice if it would be a really good season for me. Since it is my favorite season of all, that would be great.
Hoping a good week for you all.
Love,
Robbin

Isolation

Today although I feel ok physically, my emotions are a little off. I should be used to that by now, it's like a roller coaster ride, much like the blood counts they keep up with so much. You never know when you're going to feel on top of the world or so depressed you just isolate yourself. I tend to do that anyway. But that doesn't make me feel less lonely in this or hide me from the fact that I'm all by myself, although really I am not.
But I know this too shall pass and so I go on but I've learned not to fight the feelings, I let them come. And I remind myself of how lucky I am for so many things in this. Some people at this point can't get out of bed and have so many more complications that I have not had. And I constantly have to remind myself that this is just for now. That's the hardest part as the days pass slowly and I'm cut off from so many things that had been my life. And it bothers me that I've lost that passion that was mine for sometimes the simplest things. I can't seem to find passion for anything. Can't work up enough energy to be passionate about things. And that's a sad thing. It's hard to think past this, it's hard to know I'll be me again, or will I be me again? Anyway, all these thoughts are flooding my brain today, I have too much time to think. But if nothing else I know I am strong, physically and mentally, and I can't wait for the day when I find that passion again.

Somewhere in Nebraska

This is a deserted old farmhouse somewhere in Nebraska. I have no ties to Nebraska, I've never been there but I have a friend who is working out there right now and he took some pictures for me. Knowing I'd love this one, it is my favorite of what he sent. He sent it in color but I like it a lot in black and white. I look at this picture and wish it could come alive and tell me of the family or families that had lived there. What was their life like? What joys and hardships did they face? I can almost imagine a bunch of kids running around in overalls outside in the yard. I can imagine a hard working farm woman, like my own grandmother, taking care of her kids, working the fields, doing what it took to sustain life. I imagine a husband and father, quite spoken and proud. I wish this house could talk.

Friday Already?

After the blood test yesterday morning, I felt so good, and my mother was with me, I asked that we stop and get some fruit that I'm craving at a local grocery that has more "local" stuff than Walmart, which is really the only other store we have. But then, since I was in the grocery store, I needed this and that and I wore myself out again at the grocery store. But once I got home I was ok. Wore out, but ok. It's the fatigue that I just never could imagine before how it would be and then of course a combination of blood sugar still not quite off and also the blood test shows my blood is too thin now, so we back off the blood thinner. It's a balancing act with that and the reason I will have to have blood tests ongoing while I'm on the blood thinner. Just part of it and a part I can certainly live with.
Not much else going on in my world today. But that's my life at the moment, just concentrating on taking care of me. It's a full time job too! I'm up early and got some Hazelnut coffee going. I love Hazelnut. The smell is almost as good as the taste.
I hope a happy day for you and a very good weekend. And please check out what is going on with my friend Tammy, and participate if you want to or can. You can be a "virtual" walker like me or find a walk close to you. It would mean a lot and I am so proud of her!
Love,
Robbin

Giant Marigold

My Stepfather is growing tomatoes in buckets and there are a few Marigolds planted with them to keep the worms away. This is the most hugest Marigold I've ever seen. WOW. As for the tomato vines they are full of tomatoes that won't seem to get ripe! I did have one the other day and it was so wonderful. I forgot what real tomatoes taste like because here all you can get are the ones in the grocery store that come from who knows where.
Most people who go through Chemo have a metallic taste when they eat but I've not experienced that at all. What I have experienced is food tastes more intense. Meat is not so good to me, it all taste too meaty. Like wild game almost. I can eat chicken breast a little but not much else. Sweet stuff is too sweet, salty stuff is too salty, it's a little weird. But those tomatoes, Yummy. They were perfect. And fruit is good to me, it taste wonderful.
Anyway, just wanted to share this GIANT with you and to say have a good day. I'm off to get another blood test. My poor veins, I think I'm going to run out of good ones before long.

So far so good today too. And I am grateful for every minute. Although I still can't do much, it is nice to feel good while you're not doing much. My mom has a few odd flowers blooming, I think I will take the camera out for a stroll and see what I can capture.

And my brain is more clear also than it's been for a little while. Not at all fuzzy. So that is a good thing too. So I'm hoping for another good day, minute by minute, hour by hour how truly greatful I am for this blessing.

Love,

Robbin

SHH!

I'm not shouting this info from the mountain top yet, but just between you and me, I've had a really good day today. I woke up feeling a little yucky but then things got better. Nothing much in the way of side effects. I'm tired, always tired but nothing sick like I was last time and I'm five days away from the last treatment and I'm still eating real food. I've so far had no pain from the super dooper cell building shot. I got out and visited my mother this morning and got in some nice cool fallish sunshine under my belt. My iron count is up, and so maybe, just maybe this treatment which was suppose to be my worse yet will not be. Which means, and I am whispering this, that there is a possibility that I may have a few good weeks before my next treatment. Wouldn't that be cool?

And it is eleven thirty at night and I'm not asleep, which I usually am by now and......I am happy. Do I dare to think that this one could be easy on me? YES, I'm daring, let's say I think this one is going to be a lot better than the last one.

Time will tell, every good day I'll accept for sure, and not question it. Only two more treatments! So, ok, go ahead and sing it JAMES!

Bumpity Bump

I hit a bump. On Wednesday I went for my treatment, very encouraged over my PET scan results (still am) and what should happen but the port that I have was blocked with a blood clot. SO, I got my treatment anyway through an IV in my arm, but the bad news was I was put in the hospital to get my blood thin. My surgeon who put the port in says it is not unusual for it to happen but because the way to get rid of a blood clot is to thin the blood, that has to be monitored in the hospital. You can imagine how well I took that. I got so upset about having to go to the hospital that I sat there and cried and they gave me something to calm me down. At first they told me a few days but it ended up being from Wednesday to Sunday. I did however get both my chemos so that is a good thing.
Also while in the hospital and back on the steroids my blood sugar went nuts and I am now on insulin. Scary to me but I am handling it ok. The silver lining of course is I have such good care providers is that they catch these things and we can fix them and go on. But now I will be on a blood thinner throughout the rest of my treatments and the Diabetes will stick until after the treatments too. But they assure me these are only temporary.
I have truly not felt bad during all of this. I have no energy but that is nothing different and the blood sugar thing makes me feel weird, but not bad. And even so far (knocking on wood) this treatment that was always said to be my most difficult has not made me feel too bad yet. And usually by the third day I am feeling kind of rough but it is the forth day this morning and so far so good. I do have to go get that super dooper white cell building shot today and it makes me ache so we'll see.
I know it sounds like a lot and that I am falling apart but as long as I know we are making progress I am still feeling good about it, it gives me a boost and I feel like we are on top of everything, even if I do have to deal with three different doctors to take care of everything. Every one has his or her jobs and that is what they are interested in.
I have read everyone of your comments and thank you so much for your encouragement and for checking on me. I'm sorry I had to leave you all hanging there for a while but I am ok, and I am facing this with head on as it comes and bump after bump. The only thing stressing me out at the moment is that I've had to depend on my mother so much and I'm afraid it is showing on her. She has been through so much these last few months. She's lost a grandson, her husband had major surgery and she's had to deal with me. She's tough but she is also 70 years old and I see the wear it is putting on her. I think sometimes this sort of thing is worse on the family than it is for the patient.
I am glad to be home, out of the hospital, with my little dog and around my own things. I am so thankful not to be in pain, and not to be feeling bad right now. And I'm thankful for each little blessing I can find in this journey of mine. And I am especially thankful for those of you who send me light and love and prayers from so far away. And so, I am OK.

Off For Treatments with a New Outlook

"When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the morning light, for your life and strength.
Give thanks for your food and the joy of living.
If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies in yourself."
.......Tecumseh

Although I dread the treatment today, I have new faith in it and that I am responding to it and that makes a big difference. At least I know I am responding to that Chemo that makes me feel so yukky. And there is light at the end of the tunnel. And who knows, maybe this time won't be so bad although the Dr. has promised me this time and the next time will be the worse ones so far. Maybe I'll prove him wrong!

Hoping you all have a good Wednesday and find time to be thankful for all you have in your life.

Some Good News At Last

Today I finally got to have the PET scan. And guess what? We got the initial results back and the PET scan has improved. The several "hot spots" I had are gone except for a tiny little spot in my pelvic area. That was very good news and my Dr. was very proud. So now, we go on with the next treatments, three more. I didn't have one today, will instead have one tomorrow and one Thursday, which only puts me a day behind the regular schedule.
At least I know it is helping and that will make me even stronger to face the next treatments.
So, I am happy tonight and assured that I will get through this.
Just wanted to share and to thank you all for your encouragement, prayers, good vibes, kind words and at times more faith than I had that I can handle this.
Love,
Robbin

Ten Years Ago

On this day, ten years ago, a boy, who had just turned 19 two days before, had graduated from high school the summer of that year, and had joined the Navy and was headed to Chicago for basic training really soon, came home on this September afternoon, in shorts and a tee shirt along with his girlfriend of less than a year I'm thinking and announced to me that they had just gotten married. It was not a complete surprise, I knew they were going to do it even though I thought it was a big mistake. But I didn't know when and so yeah, I had to sit down. TOO young, and he about to go into the world, see the world, and I just couldn't believe they were going to get married. But they did. By the Justice of Peace in a little tiny town, just like that! I had an instant daughter in law that I just wasn't too sure about.

Just goes to show what I know.

Happy Anniversary Matthew & Amy

I love you both! And I'm so proud of both of you.

Too Sweet for my Own Good

After a trip to my regular Dr, I was given some medicine to lower this blood sugar of mine. My Oncologist called and talked to me, he says, "I hear you are just too sweet for a PET scan." Not so funny to me, but he had sent me for a blood test that tells them I've not been diabetic long, so it tells them that it is indeed Steroid induced. All he really cares about it getting my sugar down low enough for the PET scan he wants. I'm worried about what kind of damage these high levels are doing to other organs.

So, my own Dr. is my advocate for that too and she prescribed medicine that at first I thought was doing nothing. I had to buy a meter to check it and at first the levels were sky high but finally yesterday the drug seems to be working and yesterday my levels were much lower and this morning even lower. Which is a good thing since I have another PET scan scheduled for first thing in the morning. Also it is my treatment week, so I guess I'll have Chemo tomorrow and Wednesday as usual. This depending I think on if I get the PET scan. What a mess!

But I feel better that my Dr. is helping me monitor the diabetes and she says probably after the treatments,and the steroids are out of my system it will go away.
I usually have a good last week before starting the chemo but the diabetes took that away from me last week. Just my luck!

Just a bump in the road, bumps are to be expected. Through it all, I've tried to find humor in it, I've tried to keep my spirits up, and all I can do is just shake my head and think what next?

And so I go on, stomping forward in my combat boots. And as much as I dread this next treatment, another part of me knows that it will just get me closer to the end of this.

Happy Birthday to my Son

Today my youngest son turns 29. I chose this picture because this past April when I had surgery he flew from Washington to be with me afterwards and to help me. One of the things he did was to wash my car. It was a luxury to me to have someone to that for me. He and I had a lot of good quality time together. He was still here for my birthday which was in May and he took me shopping and we bought a computer game and spend the next few nights playing it together. It was so much fun and a memory that I will have forever.
We didn't know at that time that in a few weeks he'd be flying back, this time because we'd lost Jonathan. He and I have had a hard year. But I am so proud of his strength and the man he's turned out to be.
On the morning of Jonathan's memorial I didn't think I could make it. I honestly just wanted to crawl in bed and stay there forever. On that morning I texted him on his phone and asked him "How will I make it through this day?" and quick as a wink an answer came back, one word, and it was "Together."
Happy Birthday Matthew, I love you with all my heart and I wish we could be "together" right now.

Unleashed Feelings

Dealing with Cancer makes you a pretty selfish person I think. You have so much to deal with, the ups the downs, the Doctors, the Nurses, the hospital where you have lab work done, keeping up with medicines and all the changes that the chemo is making in your body. Your days are consumed with it all. Nothing distracts me from it. NOTHING.

And then there are people who don't know what to say or if you sound a little down or if you ARE a little down they give you a speech that you have to say positive and you should be thankful for this or for that. And then there are people you never hear from, almost like they are hiding from you during this time.

I understand that most people can't understand what you are going through unless they themselves are going through it. And those are the people that say "Oh buck up, you'll get through this just fine!" At the same time I don't want people to feel sorry for me and think I'm done for. It's just hard for people to know what to say or what to do. And I don't blame them. But I don't try and make myself feel better when I don't. And I take the good days for what they are and try and make the most of them.

I've noticed when I'm out and about with my hat or scarves on, some people won't even look me in the eye. These are people I know from town, just people that maybe were customers of mine or that I know from one place or another. It's really kind of funny in a way, as if they are afraid to acknowledge you, perhaps they might catch cancer or something.

I don't really know what point I'm trying to make here except these are just my observations.
I had an email from someone who says to me "Are you ok? Your tone has changed in your emails and I'm worried about you." Well, no, I'm not ok. Am I still fighting with every ounce of my being? Yes, I am but when you are sick, you are sick and I can't be cheery all the time. I can't be positive all the time and so even though I don't tell the whole story, how very sick I can get, how the chemo is taking away my iron, making my blood sugar high, took my hair, causing me not to want to eat because food taste like crap, turns my nails dark, causes me not to be able to even buy my own groceries or hardly get out of my house unless it is to another Dr. appointment or treatment, I am not giving up. But the truth is the truth and I can't sugar coat it or pretend to be ok, because NO, I'm not ok. But I will be. But not now.

Am I being selfish and thinking of nothing but what is going on with me? Yep, I am because it is all I know now. Am I happy that people are living their lives and going places and seeing things and having fun? Yes, I'm happy for them but am I envious? Yes, probably so. And I know that I will be able to do things again, and go places and think about other people, and find my passion in life again, and really care about something again. But right now, I can't .

These are my darkest days, these are the hardest days and I'm facing the treatments that the Dr. told me the first time I met him would be my hardest. That's what I have to look forward to and I'm scared and I'd rather not go through them. But I have no choice. I have the will to live, I'm only 51 years old. I pray that one day when they find a cure for this monster of a disease that the cure and treatment won't be worse than the disease itself. I wish nobody had to go through this. I wish little children didn't have to go through this. I can't imagine how a little child has to suffer through chemo.

So, I guess I just need to get it off my chest how I really feel. The warrior is still inside me, I am not planning on giving up, but am I ok? No, I'm not ok at this moment. I am sick. And I can't pretend for other people's comfort that I'm am not. Can anyone do anything at this point to help me? No, only I can help me and the Doctors that I have to put my faith in, although I sometimes think they are trying to kill me!

Am I ticked off that I have to deal with all this? YES! Do I question why this has to happen to me now? Of course I do. Am I going to kick Cancer's but? You bet! But am I ok now? NO, I'm not, nothing is right in my body and in my world. So please don't expect me to be positive and Miss Sunshine all the time, I can't. I find myself trying to protect the people around me from knowing how bad I can feel. I can't do that anymore, so if my emails have a different tone, I'm sorry. It is what it is and I have to face it the best way I can.

The truth is I am very selfish right now. And that's just how it is. And this too shall pass.

Just Checking In

I still didn't have the PET scan, could be I've developed Diabetes and so for the next few days as I'm tested and prodded and given something to get my sugar down to take a Pet Scan, I'm a little distracted. I'm ok, just another hurdle I guess.
I'll be back soon. And I'm hanging in there. Just need sometime to take it all in and deal with it.

Tuesday Ramblings

Well, Gustav was bad enough but it could have been a lot worse, so good for that. Now we have Hanna and Ike and even Josephine after that. They seem to be lined up like soldiers, these tropical storms, possibly hurricanes. It's a rough year for them.
Of course I'm very imformed about all of this because the TV is my constant companion these days. So I'm overdosed on politics and weather.
Tomorrow I will try again to have the PET scan. Hopefully it turns out a little better than next week and I actually have it. My mother is a diabetic and has a meter and I can check my blood sugar first so I'll know before hand if that is a problem. I feel pretty sure it has gone back to normal by now. The steroids I've stopped for over a week now.
And so that's about it for my world at the moment.
I've got cabin fever, but if I go out of this cabin I get sick. Go figure.
At any rate, it's my world for now and I'm not complaining.....MUCH!
Have a good day!

Sending prayers and thoughts to the people in the path of Gustav. Several of my blogger buddies will be affected by him and I'm hoping for them the best. It may be a while before we hear from them because loss of electricity will be a certainty. I am sending all my prayers. I wish for them to be safe and sound and will be listening out to hear from them on the other side.

It's Very True...

...I am quite stubborn. It is a characteristic I've had forever, no doubt was born with. I was in fact born under the sign of the Bull if you believe in that sort of a thing and over the years it has sometimes served me well, and sometimes gotten me into a lot of trouble.
I have also for years been very independent in that I was hurt a long time ago depending on someone and learned and was determined to never really "need" anyone ever again for anything.
And so with all that said, you will understand how very hard it is for me to actually have to ask anyone for anything now.
But you see, I know I am at the point with the therapy that I now know I will not defy all odds, that I will not go through this as if nothing is going on with me, as if I can still, at the least, go to town and get my own groceries. And it saddens me greatly. But I have come to terms with it yesterday.
Although, I feel pretty good at home, sitting lots, taking lots of naps, that doesn't mean I am feeling well enough to go grocery shopping. Even though last time around this time I did do just that and had no problems. But I was told, each time is worse and the recovery time slower. Even though I was told that this kind of fatigue was not the same kind of fatigue where you can just push yourself and get whatever done you need to get done DONE. Nope, doesn't work like that.
So, stubborn me, even though my mother offered to buy my groceries, I decided I felt good enough to do it myself yesterday. WRONG was I. I got it done, but I almost didn't make it. Several times I thought about deserting my cart and just coming home, but I needed those things, and I was so close. I barely finished, barely got them to my car, barely got them inside and put away. And now I know, I have to have help.
I've lost so much in the last few months and it kills me to give up any little bit of independence, but I have to push the BULL away and ask for help.
It's a work in progress but I'm learning. Even if I have to learn the hard way, which most of my life is the way I've learned. Nothing different here accept the stakes are higher and I've got to understand that. So lesson learned.
Happy Labor Day!
Love,
Robbin