On a Clear Day

There's something very refreshing about putting your little dog on her leash on a very bright and sunny day and the two of you going for a walk in the 18 degree weather. If you bundle up enough it is not bad at all. There's no wind, just sunshine, which will not last long so you learn to get it while you can. This has been our routine for the last few days. And on these nice sunny clear days, the mountains are so clear, so beautiful. I guess it is true, "On a Clear Day, you can see Forever." I wish my life was so clear to me.

I thought I was excited about blogging again. I guess I'm not. I am keeping a private journal because if I blogged what I was sometimes feeling it would make people think I'm nuts or really disturbed so I decided to keep things mostly to myself. You know, private thoughts that I must work out myself.

I don't really know how to be this new person I've become. So I'm learning slowly. I'm carrying a lot of guilt right now by not being independent and on my own. I'm wondering about and doubting decisions I've made. I don't know how to handle the stabbing pain in my heart that hits me from time to time without warning when I realize again that I've lost a child who is gone forever. I don't know how to stop saying "what if" and I don't know how to push myself to a new level.
And so I've still got a lot going on here that I've got to get through. And I will. Clearer days have got to be right around the corner as I refuse to miss out on the sun!

Long Legged Horses and Other Weird Stuff

I had a dream last night that when I woke up this morning and looked out the door I saw a horse standing in the backyard. This was not a normal horse, this horse stood on very tall legs. I mean very tall legs, like 10 foot tall legs. The rest of his body was normal. It was strange. He just stared at me and I stared at him.
From a dream interpretation site it says this about dreaming of horses.....Horse
The horse is a lucky animal in dreams, suggesting the dreamer is in control of his/her life. If you dream of a runaway horse, you are scared by your own strong, passionate feelings. ummm, doesn't mention a long legged horse at all. I'm not going to even try and understand it.
AND...I just saw a commercial for the Wii with a cooking game. A cooking game? Why not really oook! It showed a little girl and her Mom and the little girl was plenty old enough to be really cooking. Oh well, I guess it saves calories but I can't imagine it being better than really cooking. Weird to me. But then again I guess it is no worse than watching the cooking network and never cooking at all, just watching them.
And I've just learned today that cats love to play with the little ring thing that is on a milk jug. And this is such a known fact that someone actually sells them for this reason. So there you have it.....Weird Saturday.
Hope your weekend is a good one.
Love,
Robbin

Finding a "New Normal"

I've borrowed the phrase from someone who made a comment on Shirley's blog about one of her posts but it hit me as what I guess I'm looking for. And I've decided that I am way too hard on myself. I mean my life took on a huge change and maybe and only maybe when things are lined up just as they are supposed to be, then I will find a "new normal." And I'm guessing there is no set time for that. It happens when it happens. And not a minute before. In the meantime I am thankful for my kids who have enveloped me into their home and allowed me this time. How special is that?

L O S T

Tomorrow will be two weeks since I had that one interview and I've not heard anything so I suppose I'm not getting a call back. And although I need a job badly, I didn't have all that good of vibes with that place so probably it is just not the job for me. So, I need some more leads.

I've had the hardest time for the last few months. I do not regret my move, I am exactly where I want to be. I am beginning to wish maybe I had transferred instead of just quitting my job, although at the time, I needed a break. I couldn't transfer and still live close to my family so that is why I didn't and like I said, at the time I really needed a break from working. But now I need a life. I have no place to be, no friends, nothing much of my own. I think I am slowly losing my mind.

Is there no place for me? Can I be happy? I guess only the future will tell.

On the bright side Haleigh and I have Saturday night together since her parents have plans and this is what I've wanted for so long, to be able to just spend time with her. I think we'll have a rummy tournament and h'orderves! So there, I have that to look forward to and that is a LOT!

Sorry for the depressing post, just feeling a little lost at the moment. I know things will work out just as they are suppose to, this is not my first experience with being lost. Seems to be the theme of my life.

What's on TV?

My grandmother made the best caramel cake ever and I've not thought about it in years until this morning when there it was.........on the Today Show. I recognized it by looks alone before they ever told what is was, and the kicker is....some southern lady makes them and ships them everywhere, she's made it into a business! If only my Grandmother had thought of that she'd have been rich!
I've really got to wean myself from the TV. I'm really quite sick of it yet I can't seem to look away. I can't seem to turn it off, it sucks me right up and I'm lost in Day time talk shows, my soap, and night time Dancing with the Stars and The Biggest Loser and........oh so many shows. It's driving me nuts!
The thing about TV is that you can waste hours in front of it and (in most cases) afterwards not really be any wiser than you were. Even if you watch the news, you just get depressed.
OH, I've got to go, The View just came on......

Not So Much Going On with Me

My walks with Sweetie lately have meant wearing a "real" coat, not just a hoodie. And I kept some of my knit hats from my hairless days and they are feeling pretty good too. It feels good to me still. I like it.
Quiet around here this weekend as little Haleigh is sick with a cold and has spent most of her time curled up on the couch. I hope she feels better soon.
We start a new week and maybe this will be my week when something happens.
Hope your week is a good one,
Love,
Robbin

News from Lake Webogan

Ok, really from Cordele Ga. but it sounded a lot like a Garrison Keillor story from A Prarie Home Companion show.
Today is my mother's 72 birthday so a call was in order. I'd gotten an email earlier informing me to call her on her cell phone as she wasn't at home and in the email she told me exactly what time to call her because my stepfather would be taking her out for dinner since I wasn't there to cook her birthday meal or her cake. And she said, "I guess that's my fault for having one child so boohooboohoo." That made me feel, ah, I'm not sure how that made me feel. I've often wished she'd had another child as well to take some of the pressure off of me.

My Aunt Betty who is unemployed and only lives on her social security is taking her to lunch today only she can't afford to pay for my mother's lunch so she'll have to pay for her own.

We talked a minute about my job hunting and I was told that my cousin who had gotten fired earlier from her job because her little son had used her work lap top had just landed a job with Walmart making 60 thousand as an assistant manager. I'm happy for her, she supports her family, her husband has always been the house husband, (she likes it that way). Anyway she has to dress up for work and wear dress shoes and her feet were hurting and who knows how long that will last.

My mother over sees a KOA campground and had to fire the family that worked for her there so she'd taken up the slack but she's hired some people. She asked for prayers at church for employees so one woman's granddaughter's husband needed a job and then another lady had a daughter who is working. My mother loves them both, which she always does love the new people she hires........for about two weeks. We'll see how this goes.

And it goes on and on. 72 years old and going strong. She is really amazing. And that's the news from home.
Happy Birthday Mama.

Paint it Black

Really dark and odd colored fingernail polish did not appeal to me for a long time but all of a sudden I like them. I read where the rule is if you wear dark colors your nails should be short, never long. I'm not wearing black yet but I do have a pretty dark red on right now that is pretty to me. These days I have to find different ways to entertain myself you see. The problem with that is things that entertain me cost money. I need to watch how I spend my money until I get a job. Of course there are free things too. Like a walk in the park. Like an evening with my grandchild, now that's entertainment!

I'm reading again which makes me really happy as I've always gotten so much enjoyment out of a good book. Right now I'm reading "Her Fearful Symmetry" which is a little weird but holding my attention pretty well. The author is the same who wrote The Time Traveler's Wife if you read that one or if you plan to see the movie. She's a good story teller. The Time Traveler's Wife is one of my favorite all time books.

And those are all my thoughts for today, pretty sad huh? Oh well, sometimes life is like that.

We'll Sing in the Sunshine

The sun is shining so brightly this morning that you can not NOT smile when you look outside. My goodness what a beautiful morning it is at this moment. Of course it is a little chilly, my Internet weather thingie says it is 45 but 45 here and 45 in Georgia really feels so different to me. Here in Washington it is a clean, clear, fresh, refreshing feeling. In Georgia it is a wet dark cold! Ask me again in a few weeks and my story may change.

Sweetie and I have yet to go for our walk but as soon as I get my bath and get dressed, off we'll go. She's on a time clock and starts begging to go out around the same time every morning. I've had coffee and Cinnamon toast and I'm all set and so another week we'll start.

Hello November

Oh November, here you are again. Why it seems like just a little while ago that I saw you last. This year I will be with my kids for Thanksgiving where I've wanted to be for a while. I am glad for that but still I find myself not so excited about the upcoming holidays. I don't know why. But I'm going to try to look forward to Thanksgiving because I have much to be thankful for.

Matthew absolutely loves Christmas so maybe this year his love for the season will rub off on me. I've not had the Christmas spirit for a long time and I really hate that.

Oh Dear November, bring me a job so that maybe by the first of the year I can find my own little home. Help me find a way to give of myself to someone who needs something I have to give.

Hoping your November is a good one,
Love,
Robbin

Happy Halloween

This is my granddaughter, the zombie pirate. Pretty scarry huh?

My interview went well I thought and they are of course going to interview some other people and then do call backs. I also dropped off my resume at another optical office that is in need of employees so maybe I'll hear from them too. At least I had an interview and that made me feel like something was happening.

So far this morning I'm stuck in front of the TV. Having all these channels is new to me remember and since it is Halloween there are all kinds of shows on spooky stuff. I'm not a big spooky movie person but I do get interested in paranormal stuff.

The sun is shining beautifully and I need to get myself outside for a nice long walk. Not working and having bunches of TV channels and a TV in my room is not so good for one's weight. I need to move my butt!

Anyway, not much else going on. Hope your day is a good one.
Love,
Robbin

At Last

At last I have a real bonafide interview! I am beside myself with excitement. It was an ad for an optician that I answered by fax a few weeks ago. I believe it is only part time with the opportunity to go full time and that is ok by me for now. I need benefits and all that but we'll take one step at the time since it has been so hard to even get asked for an interview. Times are hard and competition. Of course if somebody will give me a chance I can show them just how wonderful I am. (I'm trying to keep my confidence up which I've misplaced in the last year or so.)
SO we'll see if this is meant to be.

If you've not figured it out so far, I'm trying to title each of my posts after a song. So far it's been pretty easy. And just recently I've become a real Etta James fan so At Last was in my head. It's because I watched the movie Cadillac Records the other night.

Waiting for Wednesday

It's Wednesday and that means a few things around here. Haleigh has "early release" from school on Wednesday, which cracks me up. Sounds like she's being let out of prison early since she has been a good girl. I prefer to call it the day school lets out a few hours earlier but she always corrects me. So YAY! Today's early release day for Haleigh! It is her favorite day of the week for sure.

Also on Wednesdays she has a late dance class and so it has become my day to cook dinner and have it ready when her and her mom get home.(Matthew is working a shift now where he is not home for dinner with us). Tonight I've decided we're having just good old hamburgers and macaroni salad. I seem to look forward to Wednesdays as it seems to be a day I can make myself useful. I don't feel very useful these days but being able to plan a mean and cook it helps.

I was thinking of how things are different for me in little ways since I've moved to this new and strange part of the world. The biggest, well maybe not the biggest, is having to put a leash on Sweetie to walk her instead of just opening the door and letting her out for a while. AND I have to have a little bag with me at all times when we walk. The first time I took that little bad out and picked up her poop she looked at me like I was nuts. Now it is old hat to her.

Another thing is learning new weather terms and new phrases, like mountain passes and snow in the mountains. Also learning that the weather literally can change as you speak and sometimes the early morning is not the coldest part of the day. The weather is quite interesting to me here. I have noticed the weathermen can't predict it as well as the southern ones can. Something to do with the mountains and all the water and things I don't understand.

The ferries are one of my favorite things. To get almost anywhere you can and sometimes have to take ferries. You can drive on or walk on. I love the ferries.

Hope your Wednesday is going well.

Love,

Robbin

What's Happening at Our House

We've discovered that you can take these two ingredients and make the best chocolate muffins in the world. Well, to me they are, I like them a lot and this cuts the calories in half. With the low sugar box of cake mix it makes them even more better. YOU must try this. I promise you will like them.

Amy bought the coolest vintage whistling teapot but..................

....... It really and truly upsets the dogs, they go nuts. This is Sam going "OH MAKE IT STOP!"

And Ozzie goes on automatic guard duty, he is ready to attack!!

They stay on alert for a long time after the whistling has stopped.

But after awhile when he is sure the threat is gone............

He conks out and relaxes until we have our next cups of tea.

That's Life

I read with interest a little bit ago on the site of this state's labor department of a nice little retail job in a book store. AH HA, I love books, I have all the experience to handle this one but then I noticed one little problem. It's an ADULT book store. I DON'T THINK that would work for me. Darn it!

Haleigh and I have had some interesting conversations today, one being that I think the honeymoon of having her grandmother living here is over. She says when I just came to visit I always had something for her and I let her do whatever she asks and I never said no to her. Ummm, I guess life is tough like that. I told her I'd move out again way far and only visit again if she thought that was best and she said...."NO!!! that's not what I meant!" I know what she means, it is very different but in a good way. And anyway she still has another grandmother in Georgia that can do her that way. Me, I get to be the mean grandmother now but maybe she'll have good memories of me like I do of my grandmother that I got to spend some summers with when I was little. She'd come stay with us for the summer and I still have memories of some of our experiences and conversations. I can only hope.

I like the weather as it gets colder. We'll see how I fare with the winters here but something tells me I'll do fine. If it snows I'll just keep myself at home! Hope you have a good week,
Love,
Robbin


That's life
That's what all the people say
You're riding high in April
You're shot down in May
I know I'm gonna change that tune
When I'm back on top in June

I say that's life
& as funny as it may seem
Some people get their kicks
Stompin' on your dreams
But I don't let it, let it get me down
'Cause this fine ol' world keeps spinning 'round

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn & a king
I've been up & down & over & out
But I know one thing
Each time I find myself, flat on this face
I pick myself up & get back in the race

That's life
I can't deny it
I thought of quitting, baby
This heart wasn't gonna buy it
And if I didn't think it was worth one single try
I'd jump right on a big bird & then I'd fly

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn & a king
I've been up & down & over & out
And I know one thing
Each time I find myself flat on my face
I pick myself up & get back in the race

That's life
That's life & I can't deny it
Many times I thought of cutting out
But my heart won't buy it
But if there's nothing shakin' come this here July
I'm gonna roll
I'm gonna roll
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball & die
Can't deny it
That's life

Sung by Frank Sinatra
Written by Kay Gordon

Time, time, time

When I was younger I felt like I always lived for the future. It seemed all I ever did was dream of better days to come. And then for the last few years I decided to live in the moment. One day at a time. Reason being I suppose is that I wasn't sure how much of a future I had. But now it seems I am back to living for the future or at least dreaming of moving on with my life in this new beautiful place I've chosen to live. I dream of just the perfect little place that is my own. I dream of a good job with good co workers. I dream of having a place by or
near the water or at least with a mountain view. I dream of decorating it and being surrounded by only the things I love. Maybe I've confused living for the future and having dreams. I think I have realized that I need dreams, I need
to be able to have something to look forward to, to think about when I lie down to sleep. And maybe I've realized that just because I hope for something in the future doesn't mean I can't enjoy and appreciate what I have today,
at this moment in time. And I have to remember my favorite passage from the bible.

"To everything there is a season,a time for every purpose under the sun.A time to be born and a time to die;a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;a time to kill and a time to heal ...a time to weep and a time to laugh;a time to mourn and a time to dance ...a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;a time to lose and a time to seek;a time to rend and a time to sew;a time to keep silent and a time to speak;a time to love and a time to hate;a time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

So I suppose dreaming of where I'd like to be in the future is not necessarily not living in this moment. Life is always progressing, ever changing and like whoever wrote the book of Ecclesiastes says, "To everything there is a season" and I look forward to what each time holds for me. It's what keeps me interested in life. I'm just nosy enough to want to find out what will happen next. And that's how you know you're not depressed when you have things to look forward to.

Keeping the Faith

What is the matter with these people around here? Don't they know what a good employee I'd be? Why I stayed at my last job for nearly 15 years and the time before that for over ten. I wish I could at least snag an interview. I know the economy is bad and people are losing their jobs but HELLO out there, I need a job! I've faith it will happen when it is suppose to. But like I said, it would be nice to at least get an interview.

It's a beautiful shade of gray here today, matches my mood and that's ok. It's just a gray mood and not that veil of depression that can creep upon me. It's funny how I've learned to know that difference. When it finally lifted I felt it physically leave me. It stuck around for quite awhile and just when I thought I was going to have to get some help it left me. I hope it keeps away!

A Life Lesson from Nature

One of the things I love about this room of mine is the big double window. For the last few days I've watched with interest as one of those big spiders wove her web right on the outside in my view . It's one of those really cool webs we've all seen, perfect and amazing in design. Once she was done with it, she works constantly to make sure it stays perfect. I've watched her catch her dinner in her web and I've watched her crawl around checking for loose treads and repairing them.

The other day I saw that a big red leaf had blown right into her web and got stuck. Suddenly she appeared out what seemed like nowhere and just stared for a while at the leaf. If was like she was in shock that this had happened to her web. I watched to see what she'd do if anything and sure enough after a little while she ran in a spider like way to the leaf and started working around the intruder and finally disconnected it. But it only fell a little bit further down the web and got stuck again. Without hesitation this time she crawled down and worked to disconnect it again only for the same thing to happen. I could almost see her frustration but she didn't stop, she kept working until finally the leaf was gone. But then she had work to do for every time she'd scrambled to get the leaf loose she'd destroyed a section of the web. She seemed to rest a few minutes and then she set off to work to repair her world. And she did too, before long all was just like it had been before that big red leaf came crashing in.

Now there's a life lesson in this if you choose to see it which I do. Sometimes these little lessons about life come in strange ways.

Soap Operas, Racing Heart & Why are my oranges from Australia?

As stated before I need a job. Reason number thirty six is because I'm addicted and absorbed and obsessed with Days of Our Lives. I want Sami to know that Nicole has her baby so badly I could just jump right into the TV and tell her, shake her, yell at her! The urge is hard to ignore.
And apparently chemo can cause heart problems of which I have developed in the form of A-fib. It is a long story of which perhaps I will share soon but right now I just sort of have it on the back burner until I see the cardiologist again in December. I've told nobody about this outside of this house and one other person simply because I figure they are tired of hearing of my tragedies. I AM tired of having them for sure. So, anyway, since I'm on Wafarin which is a blood thinner, I have to go to have that checked every week or so and I go to a nearby town of Silverdale. I like to go to the stores there to buy fruit but lately the fruit everywhere looks bad, I guess it is in between seasons. Apples and Pears are lovely but the oranges and grapefruits looks bad. I bought some navel oranges that looked ok and when I got home I realized they are from Australia! WHAT THE HECK??? I'm not so far from California, why can't I have California oranges? Or even Florida would be wonderful, why do we have to get fruit from other countries?? It disturbs me greatly.

AND last but not least, Haleigh and I made terrariums this summer(or maybe I should say last summer) and the African Violet is blooming again in mine. I'm really excited because I've never been able to make any plant live much less BLOOM.

And that is my story for today.
Love,
Robbin

A New Start

My heart and soul can't go too long without an outlet to "out" in if you know what I mean. So here I am again, back in blog world. For a while there I wasn't really in the mood to share much after my big move. I tried for a while but it became a chore to me. I was having to deal with deep dark thoughts, I was getting used to my new surroundings and for a while there I was afraid I was done with blogging. But alas here I am again. I'm a different person really and ready to share with whomever might happen to stop by.

So, my blog has a new look, my thoughts are sharper and almost clear and I'm ready to write. The biggest thing I have going right now is I WANT A JOB! I have cabin fever and I'm ready to get out into the world. I NEED A JOB! Not just for the obvious reasons of food and shelter but because I need to feel like I'm contributing something to the world. So that is what we'll explore for a while. If I could just snag ONE little interview I'd be really happy.
SO stay tuned.