Monday, April 30, 2007
Sunday, April 29, 2007
I Wander.....
why do his goals have to be so grandiose? Why not start with, let's say...
getting a job?
Dreams Not in the Cedar Chest any More
In the quiet of the Sunday morning here I have time to reflect upon the very hectic week I've just lived and I realize that I never really have the time to think through things. Thoughts linger in my head but they just sit there, un-thought out. I wonder why I can't be comfortable thinking in terms of what would make me happy. I usually come to the conclusion that I don't have a clue what that would be. It's really a shame to be so confused especially when one is about to become the grand age of 50. I thought by the time you are that age you should be pretty content with life, but I'm not. I am so alone.
Let's take inventory here. I am so bored with my job that I don't think I'm doing a very good job. I work, have worked all my life and have not one dime to show for it. The home I live in is falling apart and is hardly worth putting any money into. I have an almost 30 year old son who can put everything he owns into his car (that I bought) and has no idea what he is going to do. I want so much even at this age to have my mother's praise about something, anything, I've done. Did I say I am so alone? I want to be with my son and his family in Washington but I am too chicken to make that change for many reasons and I can't make it feel right. I can't think in terms of WHAT DO I WANT, because other people or things stand in the way.
On the other hand, I have a home, a job, sons who love me. I have lived to this age with very few scars and have survived a lot of things. What the heck is wrong with me? If I take a look around I should be ashamed of myself for even feeling the least bit sorry for myself.
When I was a little girl I had dreams of being a writer. I wrote stories that included my classmates and the stories would be passed around for them to read while we were supposed to be learning math or geography. Even if we got caught and the teacher took away the story I never got into trouble because the teacher would praise me on my writing. But you know what? Life happened and when I did finally have time to go back and start writing, I realized I had nothing to say that hadn't already been said. I don't think I ever got over that realization.
When I got married I had dreams of being happily in love forever and raising perfect children and we'd be one happy family, with a big house and a big yard full of beautiful flowers. My husband would always love me and we'd grow old together in a peaceful bliss. Boy did that one die hard.
I've lived most of my life just taking what fate has handed out to me and trying to go from there. There's been just enough magic to make me know that life is never what you expect and that it can change in the beat of a heart. There's been just enough heartache and tears to make me appreciate what I have and to try and be happy with that. There's been just enough curiosity to always want to go on to see what is around the corner. I've not accomplished great things or had much of an impact on anyone Else's life. It seems all my time has been spent on just trying to survive and trying to avoid as much confrontation as I can.
If it is true that we are here to learn lessons I wonder what great lesson it is that I am suppose to be learning? I am questioning my whole existence, I am like George Baily wondering what good I have even been to anyone? I am having a crisis here inside my head, inside my soul. And I am so alone.
My friend,who is well past 50, tells me what I am going through is normal and that after after age 50 you settle down and become more content, more at peace with who you are and you are filled with a wisdom that you never had before. He says this is something I have to do, reflect upon the past years and mourn the things that didn't happen and be thankful for the good things that did. And he says that I'll sort it all out and find the peace and know for sure what I need to make me happy.
I hope he is right.
Let's take inventory here. I am so bored with my job that I don't think I'm doing a very good job. I work, have worked all my life and have not one dime to show for it. The home I live in is falling apart and is hardly worth putting any money into. I have an almost 30 year old son who can put everything he owns into his car (that I bought) and has no idea what he is going to do. I want so much even at this age to have my mother's praise about something, anything, I've done. Did I say I am so alone? I want to be with my son and his family in Washington but I am too chicken to make that change for many reasons and I can't make it feel right. I can't think in terms of WHAT DO I WANT, because other people or things stand in the way.
On the other hand, I have a home, a job, sons who love me. I have lived to this age with very few scars and have survived a lot of things. What the heck is wrong with me? If I take a look around I should be ashamed of myself for even feeling the least bit sorry for myself.
When I was a little girl I had dreams of being a writer. I wrote stories that included my classmates and the stories would be passed around for them to read while we were supposed to be learning math or geography. Even if we got caught and the teacher took away the story I never got into trouble because the teacher would praise me on my writing. But you know what? Life happened and when I did finally have time to go back and start writing, I realized I had nothing to say that hadn't already been said. I don't think I ever got over that realization.
When I got married I had dreams of being happily in love forever and raising perfect children and we'd be one happy family, with a big house and a big yard full of beautiful flowers. My husband would always love me and we'd grow old together in a peaceful bliss. Boy did that one die hard.
I've lived most of my life just taking what fate has handed out to me and trying to go from there. There's been just enough magic to make me know that life is never what you expect and that it can change in the beat of a heart. There's been just enough heartache and tears to make me appreciate what I have and to try and be happy with that. There's been just enough curiosity to always want to go on to see what is around the corner. I've not accomplished great things or had much of an impact on anyone Else's life. It seems all my time has been spent on just trying to survive and trying to avoid as much confrontation as I can.
If it is true that we are here to learn lessons I wonder what great lesson it is that I am suppose to be learning? I am questioning my whole existence, I am like George Baily wondering what good I have even been to anyone? I am having a crisis here inside my head, inside my soul. And I am so alone.
My friend,who is well past 50, tells me what I am going through is normal and that after after age 50 you settle down and become more content, more at peace with who you are and you are filled with a wisdom that you never had before. He says this is something I have to do, reflect upon the past years and mourn the things that didn't happen and be thankful for the good things that did. And he says that I'll sort it all out and find the peace and know for sure what I need to make me happy.
I hope he is right.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
1957
Car: $2,100
Gasoline: 31 cents/gal
House: $18,000
Bread: 19 cents/loaf
Milk: $1.00/gal
Postage Stamp: 3 cents
Stock Market: 436
Average Annual Salary: $5,500
Minimum Wage: $1.00 per hour
Wild Week
I can't believe I've not posted since Tuesday. Of course I had an out of town meeting for two days and then yesterday I just didn't seem to have enough hours in the day.
Plus my emotions have been all over the place this week. Not sure why unless it's just the M word getting to me worse than usual or if it's J being here or it's that I'm still thinking about what I want to do as far as living here. Or maybe it's that big 50 that is coming around the corner. Whatever, I've had a roller coaster ride this week.
Anyway, I tried to be tough this week and not really have a day off but I'm going in late today, after all I have to work tomorrow too and I have an early meeting in my store on Monday morning. I do however get two full days off in the middle of the week next week and that will be nice.
That's about all I know this morning. I slept in and I've got coffee and it's a beautiful day outside. We'll see how I manage today.
Plus my emotions have been all over the place this week. Not sure why unless it's just the M word getting to me worse than usual or if it's J being here or it's that I'm still thinking about what I want to do as far as living here. Or maybe it's that big 50 that is coming around the corner. Whatever, I've had a roller coaster ride this week.
Anyway, I tried to be tough this week and not really have a day off but I'm going in late today, after all I have to work tomorrow too and I have an early meeting in my store on Monday morning. I do however get two full days off in the middle of the week next week and that will be nice.
That's about all I know this morning. I slept in and I've got coffee and it's a beautiful day outside. We'll see how I manage today.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Getting used to sharing my space
I cried when my younger child left home. Some people laugh at me when I tell them that my arms ached that day because I kept imagining how he'd felt as a baby in my arms and the pain of him leaving actually settled there.
After I was alone for awhile I got really used to living by myself and I discovered that it wasn't all that bad. I could eat when I wanted, come home when I wanted without anyone worrying about me. I had less clothes to wash and fold and put away, it was quiet and I could watch whatever I wanted to on TV. I could use every room in my house for my stuff!
So...now I'm having to learn to share my space again and so far so good. But my little dog, Sweetie isn't taking it so well, especially since there's a little puppy around. She is an old lady and doesn't take too kindly to this little black thing jumping on her and licking her and getting so excited that she wets the floor. She warns her with growls and a look. Sweetie thought they were just staying the weekend I guess and by yesterday her patience had worn thin and the growls became snaps and a terrible look of distaste! I guess Sweetie has a lot to learn about sharing her space.
After I was alone for awhile I got really used to living by myself and I discovered that it wasn't all that bad. I could eat when I wanted, come home when I wanted without anyone worrying about me. I had less clothes to wash and fold and put away, it was quiet and I could watch whatever I wanted to on TV. I could use every room in my house for my stuff!
So...now I'm having to learn to share my space again and so far so good. But my little dog, Sweetie isn't taking it so well, especially since there's a little puppy around. She is an old lady and doesn't take too kindly to this little black thing jumping on her and licking her and getting so excited that she wets the floor. She warns her with growls and a look. Sweetie thought they were just staying the weekend I guess and by yesterday her patience had worn thin and the growls became snaps and a terrible look of distaste! I guess Sweetie has a lot to learn about sharing her space.
Native American Wisdom
Go Forward With Courage
When you are in doubt, be still, and wait;
when doubt no longer exists for you, then go forward with courage.
So long as mists envelop you, be still;
be still until the sunlight pours through and dispels the mists
-- as it surely will.
Then act with courage.
Ponca Chief White Eagle (1800's to 1914)
When you are in doubt, be still, and wait;
when doubt no longer exists for you, then go forward with courage.
So long as mists envelop you, be still;
be still until the sunlight pours through and dispels the mists
-- as it surely will.
Then act with courage.
Ponca Chief White Eagle (1800's to 1914)
Painting by Steph
Monday, April 23, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Care Camp for Kids
Kampgrounds of America (KOA) does a fund raiser every year around this time to raise money to send kids with cancer to camp. My mother and best friend's husband coordinate and put this on every year here in our town. My mother asked me to make some jewelry to donate and this year they are having a silent auction. I wanted something eye catching and something people would surely bid up on to raise as much money as possible. This is what I've come up with. So...we shall see what happens.
SMOKE!
This morning I woke up and smelled smoke. For a moment, in the haze of still being half asleep I wondered if I was dreaming but when I looked out the window there was a thin blanket of smoke lingering in the air. My house is surrounded by pinetrees and woods and our State is having wild fires and we need rain badly so I grabbed my car keys and rode around the property making sure the woods weren't on fire. I never found the source of the smoke and it is not unusal for farmers to burn their fields off this time of the year but it still makes me nervous. One careless flick of a cigarette out the window and POOF!
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