I'm glad to report this morning that I feel pretty good. And the reason is, well, I wasn't so sure I was going to feel so fine today. I sort of had a bad night, not real bad, but perhaps a little reminder that my body is experiencing some thing.
It started before I went to sleep last night, a hard thing to explain, I didn't hurt, I didn't ache or feel weird, I just didn't feel RIGHT or good. And so I went to bed and after some time went to sleep and slept but when I woke at five thirty, that feeling was still there, just sort of a "I don't feel good" thing, and so I went back to sleep and when I woke again at eight, I am fine.
SO, ok, I can live with that.
Could be just that fatigue thing they keep warning you about, could be I did a little too much yesterday, I really didn't do that much, could be it was just what it was.
I'm just so on ALERT right now with my body I guess, and it could be I just didn't feel good. LOL. I make a lot of sense here don't I?
Anyway, I had a lovely dream of me working, only I didn't work in a little optical shop, I dreamed that I was running a huge Department Store and man you should have seen me, I was something to behold, I was solving problems going and coming. (Believe me, this is not a dream I have) and so I worked all night and it was good.
And so we start a new week. My family is scrambling and gathering to get ready for this Reunion for the weekend, the sisters (my mom and her siblings) are already trying to out do each other with some recipe that is going to knock people out, and so I'll just be here to lend a hand, to stir a pot or to cut a potato or whatever.
Should be an interesting week for sure.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
With things so hot and dry here, nothing much exciting is blooming but then that doesn't mean you can't still take a stroll and see what you can see. This morning, Sweetie and I had a place in mind where there is fruit bearing like crazy! A fruit that I didn't care much for as a child but one that I've learned to love. We got out early, while the grass was still very wet with dew, but it is going to be very hot again today so it was our opportunity.
It was around eight thirty and the sun is blazing already but the humidity not so bad. And with my fake Crocks, the dewey wetness felt very good to my feet. There's nothing much in my yard except overgrown shrubbs and grass, but LOOK, there are tiny little pecans growing on my pecan trees.
We keep walking toward my mom's house where that big old family Fig tree is. And it is going nuts or FIGS I guess I should say. SO we have a second breakfast right off the tree. Sweetie eats them too!
This is the big tree itself. It is from a clipping, I've said before from my mother's grandfather's tree that she ate off from a child.
And here's the lucious fruit that by the way has great health benefits, if you want to read about them here.
My Step Father's upside down tomato plants didn't work out, they broke off but he got some more and are growing them right side up and they are looking great. He has a marigold plant in each one to prevent the bugs.
My mom has this Hydrangea that is sort of a weird color right now. IT is not the prettiest right now, almost dried up, but you can still see the color.
This is just the front of the property that shows the pines. It was beautiful to me this morning.
And then we walked back home through the wooded little path and watched for anything we could see, but it was just pretty woods. 
And of course, Sweetie had to stop around some junk to search for Lizards, her favorite sport. My mother would be horrified to know I posted this picture which is at the barn between her and my house, but it is just JUNK that my Step father has , And sweetie thinks its a great place to find Lizards..
Thanks to Aisling for inviting us to always join her on Sundays, don't forget to visit her and to join in if you want. Happy Sunday to you all.
My Life Topsy Turvy
It really sort of cracks me up to think about the things I've dreaded before are actually the things I look forward to now. For example, I am very excited about this family reunion coming up for this next weekend. The families take turns in having it and usually it is in Florida, and it is mostly my mom's generation that attends, and I guess since I've been grown I've not been to the one except when it comes around to be her families time. Which is about every five years or so I guess. I usually dread it. But this time, I am looking forward to it.
I don't really know my mom's cousins and their families all well, but because it's here my own cousins that I don't see very often of my own generation and will be there and although I saw some of them for Jonathan's Memorial, I didn't get to really get to visit with them. So I'm looking forward to that I guess.
I also am excited that my Aunt will be here early and I will have something to do with helping her and my mom get things ready. All of this is foreign to me you see, as in the past, I've tried to avoid this sort of thing.
Nothing with me is "normal" right now. Things like this change you for sure and who I'll end up being is not known to me at this moment but I know I have lessons to learn and things to do. I feel a need to be in contact with people. Real contact, and what in the world~ I'm a hermit! LEAVE me alone, I want to be alone. That has been my motto for a while now. I'd go to work, try to help my customers with all the kindness and respect they deserve and then come home and just stay HOME. I guess not having that contact makes a difference.
Anyway, an interesting part of this journey. With a snap of your fingers, life can suddenly feel like a much different experience. And so we'll see where it shall lead me.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
The End of This Day
Well, ok. I must admit the fish was not bad. I ate a little bit and some other stuff and am quite satisfied and my body got something really good and healthy.
I've got a real handle on the bothersome indigestion and I have felt really good. Of course there's not much energy going, but I did manage a nice walk around my mother's yard after supper and it had cooled down a little not to be miserable.
Matthew and I talked last night how weird it is to get Chemo and they tell you all these side effects and then you have to just sit and wait, like to see what is going to happen. I am so grateful for so far. I know that the other treatments may and probably will be different but this one's been very easy. And so it just has to be because of all the positive energy I got behind me. From here, from my own family and friends, from sometimes complete strangers. Funny how life works like that.
And so I have another day behind me and for the next two weeks I ought to be just fine, which is when things are going to be bad cause I'm going to want to go to work so badly.
But one day at a time huh?
I've got a real handle on the bothersome indigestion and I have felt really good. Of course there's not much energy going, but I did manage a nice walk around my mother's yard after supper and it had cooled down a little not to be miserable.
Matthew and I talked last night how weird it is to get Chemo and they tell you all these side effects and then you have to just sit and wait, like to see what is going to happen. I am so grateful for so far. I know that the other treatments may and probably will be different but this one's been very easy. And so it just has to be because of all the positive energy I got behind me. From here, from my own family and friends, from sometimes complete strangers. Funny how life works like that.
And so I have another day behind me and for the next two weeks I ought to be just fine, which is when things are going to be bad cause I'm going to want to go to work so badly.
But one day at a time huh?
A SIDE EFFECT
I do have a side effect..indigestion. I usually never have indigestion. I did with both pregnancies and it liked to have killed me. My grandmother told me both times it was because the babies would be born with lots of hair and they both were. But since then, hardly ever. So in the last few days it got bad enough to call my Nurse and she said, it was a fairly common side effect of the chemo and to buy something over the counter and try that, and if that didn't work they'd put me on something prescription. Great! Just what I need another prescription drug. But I did buy some of what she suggested and it is helping a lot already.
I feel so lucky so far not having much to complain about and the indigestion didn't seem that big until it got pretty bad and my Nurse keeps telling me to call about anything. So I'm glad I did.
My mother and I went to town today and did a little shopping, and I got to see the girls at work and it was nice.
It's really, really hot here today and so it was good to get out early enough in the day for that not to be so draining. But I'm not tired out much at all.
My son Matthew was beginning to think they were just giving me water, so there you go Matthew, I have a side effect!
This one I can live with.
I feel so lucky so far not having much to complain about and the indigestion didn't seem that big until it got pretty bad and my Nurse keeps telling me to call about anything. So I'm glad I did.
My mother and I went to town today and did a little shopping, and I got to see the girls at work and it was nice.
It's really, really hot here today and so it was good to get out early enough in the day for that not to be so draining. But I'm not tired out much at all.
My son Matthew was beginning to think they were just giving me water, so there you go Matthew, I have a side effect!
This one I can live with.
Let's talk about FISH
I have been convinced quite
begrudgedly to have supper up at my mom's tonight with them. We are having fish. Grilled fish. Grouper. Now, first of all I know, I know, you probably think you can cook fish and I would like it. Every one's told me this and promised me this, but the truth is every time I've tried it, well, it tastes like FISH.
I really try to eat healthy and especially NOW, I am on a mission to do this, and I know all the health benefits of fish. Here where I live it is not a easy to get fresh fish, but there is a tiny little fish Market here and this guy does supposedly get fresh fish. This is where our Grouper fish is from for supper. I do know the few times I've been able to actually eat it and almost enjoy it, it does have to be fresh. So that's a good thing.
Down here, growing up, people always did and still do have big fish fries, with slaw and cheese grits and hush puppies. Usually it is Catfish. There are catfish houses, there are catfish every things, but even fried fish could I hardly get down. When I ate fried stuff.
I've had Salmon, I've had Tuna (I do like canned tuna, lol), I've had perch, I've had Tilapia, I've tried this, I've tried that. Can it be possibly that I just don't like FISH?
I've tried, I really have tried.
So, anyway, just wish me luck tonight. I'm going to give it my best shot, cause it really will be good for me.
(But just in case, I have a turkey breast going in the crock-pot~!)
Good Morning
I had a pretty good night's sleep but woke up really early again. I woke up this morning thinking of Vicki, one of my work associates and friend. She and her family have a surprise cook-out Hawaiian Style Anniversary party planed today for her parent's 30'th wedding date. I hope they pull it off as a surprise and I hope all goes well.
Back in November when I planned the 70th birthday party for my mother and I look back now it makes me so happy we did that. Not only did it mean so much to her but Jonathan was there and it was a very rare thing for him to participate in family things. But from the time I mentioned it to him, he promised he would be there and although I held my breath and tried to not set my self up to be disappointed if that day turned out to be one that he couldn't deal with being with people, there he was, so full of life and so glad to see his brother and so glad to celebrate the milestone with his grandmother. After the party he and his brother and me sat up half the night talking and it was a gift to me, to have him there, not angry at anyone, being with us and just being at peace.
And we go family pictures of us that we wouldn't have had.
IT was more of a gift than I ever knew at that time.
As for me, I feel ok this morning. Not as good as yesterday, but still not bad. Just a little off, just a little tired but I'm going to try and get some neglected housework done, and get to cooking me some food, I'm all out of easy stuff.
Also I have to go finish trying to get my mom's computer going again and then we'll see what else I can get into.
Matthew wants me to consider coming on out to Washington to have my radiation treatments. I'm not sure that will work, but that's a long way off and we'll see how I can work it out. With my job transfer, it could be tricky.
And so that is going to be my pretty boring day. I shouldn't complain so much, I'm not really feeling bad at all. I'm just not where I want to be and I guess that is back to normal, without cancer and with two sons in my life. But that is not the way it is so I face the reality with as much confidence that I can and that is that one day not too far away, I'll have a "new start" on a new part of my life. IT is my goal, it is what I dream of and it is my vision.
Anyway, happy Party Vicki, I love you and am thinking of ya'll today, have a great party!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Be Careful What You Wish For
I've had another good day and for that I am thankful. If I get through this first one so well, maybe I'll be good and strong to get through the next five ones. The Dr. said that treatments 4 and 5 will be the worse on me, I didn't ask why at the time, but I'm gonna next time I get to see him.
I spent most of the day with my mother and her computer. She has Zone Alarm and Microsoft did an update that prevented her server from getting through, I talked to the server and Microsoft but will have to call back tomorrow as lots of people were having the same problem so instead of waiting an hour to talk, I will try in the morning. In the meantime they have to take the Zone Alarm off alert to get online. I enjoyed that, it gave me something to do that made me feel needed. And then next we tried to call IRS because she is so concerned that they've not yet received their Stimulus check, but the same there, too many calls, other people wondering the same thing.
And then we cut my hair, as short as possible, she did pretty good, the back is a little rough looking but I have a Gilligan like hat that covers it up pretty good for now, and it's ok for me, I just didn't want a bunch of hair to start falling out, when it does.
And then my son Matthew called and we had a nice long chat, he always makes me feel good. He's a good boy, I mean Man.
And I believe I am going to be able to sleep pretty soon.
Now here's the deal, BE careful what you wish for.
I don't know how many days in the last few years I've said, "I wish I Didn't have to work today". And now I'd love to go to work.
I think the Universe may have answered me, I should have said "I wish I didn't have to go to work today and be well while I'm not working." I should have been more specific.
I wish for you all a good and fun Weekend.
ANd if you have to go to work................DON'T COMPLAIN!
I spent most of the day with my mother and her computer. She has Zone Alarm and Microsoft did an update that prevented her server from getting through, I talked to the server and Microsoft but will have to call back tomorrow as lots of people were having the same problem so instead of waiting an hour to talk, I will try in the morning. In the meantime they have to take the Zone Alarm off alert to get online. I enjoyed that, it gave me something to do that made me feel needed. And then next we tried to call IRS because she is so concerned that they've not yet received their Stimulus check, but the same there, too many calls, other people wondering the same thing.
And then we cut my hair, as short as possible, she did pretty good, the back is a little rough looking but I have a Gilligan like hat that covers it up pretty good for now, and it's ok for me, I just didn't want a bunch of hair to start falling out, when it does.
And then my son Matthew called and we had a nice long chat, he always makes me feel good. He's a good boy, I mean Man.
And I believe I am going to be able to sleep pretty soon.
Now here's the deal, BE careful what you wish for.
I don't know how many days in the last few years I've said, "I wish I Didn't have to work today". And now I'd love to go to work.
I think the Universe may have answered me, I should have said "I wish I didn't have to go to work today and be well while I'm not working." I should have been more specific.
I wish for you all a good and fun Weekend.
ANd if you have to go to work................DON'T COMPLAIN!
Another Special Gift
I got the best, most beautiful card in the mail today with a message that I love and just had to share. First of all, because it might touch someone else passing by but mostly because the person who sent this to me, knew how special it would be for me personally. She knows, you see, my connection with Trees, and even an Old Oak Tree especially.
SO I'm going to type out the Verse for you to share.
SO I'm going to type out the Verse for you to share.
"The Oak Tree"
A message of Encouragement
A mighty wind blew night and day,
It stole the oak tree's leaves away ,
Then snapped its boughs
and pulled its bark
until the oak was tired and stark.
But still the oak tree held its ground
while other trees fell all around...
The weary wind gave up and spoke,
"How can you still be standing, Oak?
The oak tree said "I know that you can
break each branch of mine in two
carry every leaf away,
shake my limbs, and make me sway.
But I have roots stretched in the earth,
growing stronger since my birth.
You'll never touch them, for you see,
they are the deepest part of me.
Until today, I wasn't sure
of just how much I could endure.
But now I've found, with thanks to you,
I'm stronger than
I ever knew.
My Note From the Universe
In my emailed daily note from the Universe this morning here's what it says to me:
Robbin, has it occurred to you that you could ask for more?
Not just more than what you now have, but more than you're now asking for?
This is why I'm HOT - The Universe
P.S. Would hate to see the look on your face, Robbin, learning this after-the-fact!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
End of Another Day
Ok, I'm out of the range of being sick, like throwing up and nausea sick. I have started feeling a little fuzzy headed, like I'm over drugged, lol. Well that's probably true. No pain, just sort of meek like a kitten. Actually it is not a bad feeling but it is a weird feeling. Sort of like slow motion.
Because I thought I'd feel really bad the next few days I was going to put a turkey breast in the crock pot and make a few things like a pasta salad and a Kidney Bean salad. But that didn't happen today, maybe tomorrow morning I will get that going. Tonight I settled for a Lean Cuisine something that filled the spot. My mom did some grocery shopping today for me and that was good. I could have done it probably but since she was going to town she volunteered and I was happy to give her a list of what I thought I would eat.
It would be nice to have that personal chef I've always wanted right about now.
Thanks for so many of you guys checking on me today. Each one is so special to me.
It is so miserably hot here this week. I am cool in my house though and this afternoon I did sit out under a shade tree for a little bit for the fresh air.
And so that is the end of my pretty boring day. And if I can make it as well the next through days without too many side effects I will feel very blessed. Of course I know the next round might be worse but we'll worry about that then.
I think I am going to be able to sleep tonight so that is where I am headed.
We'll see how tomorrow goes.
The moon is a half moon tonight but covered in clouds now. IT was out during the day today inbetween those beautiful puffy clouds in a blue sky. I wish I had a camera that would take a good picture of it. If you can see it, go look. As beautiful as I always think the full moon is, tonight the half moon sends me a message and it is every bit as special half as it is full. Well my moon thingie on my side bar says it's 60% full but it looked like a half to me during the day. SO go look anyway, if you can see it.
Love,
Robbin
Because I thought I'd feel really bad the next few days I was going to put a turkey breast in the crock pot and make a few things like a pasta salad and a Kidney Bean salad. But that didn't happen today, maybe tomorrow morning I will get that going. Tonight I settled for a Lean Cuisine something that filled the spot. My mom did some grocery shopping today for me and that was good. I could have done it probably but since she was going to town she volunteered and I was happy to give her a list of what I thought I would eat.
It would be nice to have that personal chef I've always wanted right about now.
Thanks for so many of you guys checking on me today. Each one is so special to me.
It is so miserably hot here this week. I am cool in my house though and this afternoon I did sit out under a shade tree for a little bit for the fresh air.
And so that is the end of my pretty boring day. And if I can make it as well the next through days without too many side effects I will feel very blessed. Of course I know the next round might be worse but we'll worry about that then.
I think I am going to be able to sleep tonight so that is where I am headed.
We'll see how tomorrow goes.
The moon is a half moon tonight but covered in clouds now. IT was out during the day today inbetween those beautiful puffy clouds in a blue sky. I wish I had a camera that would take a good picture of it. If you can see it, go look. As beautiful as I always think the full moon is, tonight the half moon sends me a message and it is every bit as special half as it is full. Well my moon thingie on my side bar says it's 60% full but it looked like a half to me during the day. SO go look anyway, if you can see it.
Love,
Robbin
Feeling Cared For
It is nice to have medical people who care and really care about you. Except for one Dr. I've felt comfortable with my whole medical team.
Yesterday my original gynecologist called me. She'd been on vacation and she'd just found out that I was taking Chemo. She and I have cried a lot of tears together, right after my surgery, and when Jonathan died. But she was also the first person that gave me the speech that one's attitude with dealing with cancer means a lot. There is medical proof of this she tells me. She and I bonded right away, from the beginning. She is from Nigeria, and has a little different methods and expectations than some of the other doctors do I think. I noticed at the hospital the nurses are not that fond of her. She puts all her energy in her patients and if the nurses are not doing their jobs she is not afraid to tell them so. I overheard them complaining about her.
But to me, she is an angel. Her accent alone calms me so, she is my partner in this, even though she has turned me over to the Cancer people she keeps up with all that is going on with me.
Yesterday she called me. She was surprised to hear how well I sounded after the first treatment and she and I talked and she assured me I'd get through this and that she is so proud of how I'm handling it. We proclaimed our love for each other, lol, and she told me to call her or page her for anything any time, even if I just needed to talk. I do love her.
And although I'm sure its part of their job to do this, my Chemo nurse just called me to see how I was and to see if I needed anything. She too was happy I am feeling so well, but she warned me around the third and forth day I will probably start feeling weak and achy and just not feel good. Getting past the nausea stage is one battle that I think we've won, now the achy weak part will be next to look for. Anyway, I appreciated the call and it makes me feel like I have a good team of caring people helping me,, and that's always a good thing.
Yesterday my original gynecologist called me. She'd been on vacation and she'd just found out that I was taking Chemo. She and I have cried a lot of tears together, right after my surgery, and when Jonathan died. But she was also the first person that gave me the speech that one's attitude with dealing with cancer means a lot. There is medical proof of this she tells me. She and I bonded right away, from the beginning. She is from Nigeria, and has a little different methods and expectations than some of the other doctors do I think. I noticed at the hospital the nurses are not that fond of her. She puts all her energy in her patients and if the nurses are not doing their jobs she is not afraid to tell them so. I overheard them complaining about her.
But to me, she is an angel. Her accent alone calms me so, she is my partner in this, even though she has turned me over to the Cancer people she keeps up with all that is going on with me.
Yesterday she called me. She was surprised to hear how well I sounded after the first treatment and she and I talked and she assured me I'd get through this and that she is so proud of how I'm handling it. We proclaimed our love for each other, lol, and she told me to call her or page her for anything any time, even if I just needed to talk. I do love her.
And although I'm sure its part of their job to do this, my Chemo nurse just called me to see how I was and to see if I needed anything. She too was happy I am feeling so well, but she warned me around the third and forth day I will probably start feeling weak and achy and just not feel good. Getting past the nausea stage is one battle that I think we've won, now the achy weak part will be next to look for. Anyway, I appreciated the call and it makes me feel like I have a good team of caring people helping me,, and that's always a good thing.
The 2nd Morning After
I finally got to sleep around two o'clock and slept pretty good but woke at five thirty and have been up since. I popped the last of my magic pills. I feel a tiny bit nausea this morning and the nurse told me if I feel the least bit to take another kind of pill they gave me so I did that too. I had a bowl of cereal but no coffee yet.
Other than the tiny feeling of nausea I feel good.
I'll probably get a nap in soon since sleep was short.
I am just so grateful for the day I had yesterday, if I don't do so well today at least I was spared one day of not feeling icky.
One of the other side effects are mouth sores. I was deligent in keeping my mouth as clean as possible yesterday, and I hope I don't get those. But we'll deal with that when we have to if we have to. My mind spins at all they tell me and all I read and it is scary waiting to see what these powerful drugs are doing to your body.
Next weekend my mom and her family are having the family reunion here in our town. The different families take turns each year, and usually they are held in Florida. Our time comes around about every five or six times I think. I was thinking that would be around the time my hair would fall out, they say day 14 or 15, but it will be only the 11th day.
I usually wear my hair short anyway but it has grown out longer than I usually wear it and my mom and I have talked about her cutting it really short all over and that way if it does happen to start coming out during that time it wouldn't fall out in big hunks, in my food or something. If it looks too bad I can wear a baseball cap. And then when it does start we'll just buzz it.
Anyway, so far so good. My little bit of ickiness is feeling better already.
I hope each of you have a good day.
Other than the tiny feeling of nausea I feel good.
I'll probably get a nap in soon since sleep was short.
I am just so grateful for the day I had yesterday, if I don't do so well today at least I was spared one day of not feeling icky.
One of the other side effects are mouth sores. I was deligent in keeping my mouth as clean as possible yesterday, and I hope I don't get those. But we'll deal with that when we have to if we have to. My mind spins at all they tell me and all I read and it is scary waiting to see what these powerful drugs are doing to your body.
Next weekend my mom and her family are having the family reunion here in our town. The different families take turns each year, and usually they are held in Florida. Our time comes around about every five or six times I think. I was thinking that would be around the time my hair would fall out, they say day 14 or 15, but it will be only the 11th day.
I usually wear my hair short anyway but it has grown out longer than I usually wear it and my mom and I have talked about her cutting it really short all over and that way if it does happen to start coming out during that time it wouldn't fall out in big hunks, in my food or something. If it looks too bad I can wear a baseball cap. And then when it does start we'll just buzz it.
Anyway, so far so good. My little bit of ickiness is feeling better already.
I hope each of you have a good day.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
As badly as I hated to...
I started the process of going on another leave of absence of work today. Going back to work just two weeks ago saved my life I think. It gave me purpose, I even welcomed problems from customers to research and solve, it gave me great pleasure to have something to work on that didn't involve my own problems.
The Chemo Dude told me right off I wouldn't need to work. I told him I could do it. He told me I could not. I told him I wanted to try, and I told him I was tough! And he told me that he didn't doubt that but my body needed every opportunity it could get to stay away from crowds of people, to rest when I needed to and that stress of any kind in a job would only hinder the treatment. I left that day thinking, I'll show him!
But then I thought about it and realized, I am lucky enough to have a job where I have disability insurance that pays really well, and this will probably go into long term too which I have and what was I trying to prove anyway? I'm no superwoman or hero, I was just really hating to give up the purpose that work was giving me. I love that store, it is my baby, I've worked so hard for us to have a good reputation and I've got good people whom I've tried to train to run the store like I want it run. It just is hard when we are a person short, so my boss is thinking of letting them hire a temporary part-time person to take some of the pressure off. They all have vacation time coming and well, I just have to trust they an handle it and they can get an extra body to work.
After Jonathan died I dreaded so badly going back to work but it turned out to be so good for me. I felt good, it was nice to be around my associates and customers again. And so now here I am again. But it is for the best.
I guess.
After feeling so good today, I wonder if I could have done it, but then there are still those germs around that I might catch. So, oh well. Looks like all of this is pretty much going to take a year out of my life. But I can handle that too.
I've worked all my life, since I was 15. It's not easy to just find yourself not working. But at least I'm drawing money. And at least I have health very good health insurance.
So, guess I'll blog away and try to make plans to have lunch with friends and family and get out some. The weather is hot so I can't really go outside much. Oh and A big thing while on this treatment is not to get sun burned, not even just a little. So great. I thought of going swimming a few times a week but I guess not. I burn easy anyway.
Also the beach would be out.
But I'll figure something out. Maybe I'll write an all American Novel. Maybe I'll get back into jewelry making and try to go out and sale some.
Maybe, just maybe I won't go stir crazy. But if I do, you guys will be the first to know.
It is two o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep. I'm taking a med that is steroid bases and the Chemo Nurse warned me it may cause me not to sleep. So, I'm not sleeping. I'm rambling here.
This could be one of those posts you may just need to skip.
And why in the world am I complaining? I had a non sick day today. How good is that?
Ok, I'm done rambling now.
I think.
The Chemo Dude told me right off I wouldn't need to work. I told him I could do it. He told me I could not. I told him I wanted to try, and I told him I was tough! And he told me that he didn't doubt that but my body needed every opportunity it could get to stay away from crowds of people, to rest when I needed to and that stress of any kind in a job would only hinder the treatment. I left that day thinking, I'll show him!
But then I thought about it and realized, I am lucky enough to have a job where I have disability insurance that pays really well, and this will probably go into long term too which I have and what was I trying to prove anyway? I'm no superwoman or hero, I was just really hating to give up the purpose that work was giving me. I love that store, it is my baby, I've worked so hard for us to have a good reputation and I've got good people whom I've tried to train to run the store like I want it run. It just is hard when we are a person short, so my boss is thinking of letting them hire a temporary part-time person to take some of the pressure off. They all have vacation time coming and well, I just have to trust they an handle it and they can get an extra body to work.
After Jonathan died I dreaded so badly going back to work but it turned out to be so good for me. I felt good, it was nice to be around my associates and customers again. And so now here I am again. But it is for the best.
I guess.
After feeling so good today, I wonder if I could have done it, but then there are still those germs around that I might catch. So, oh well. Looks like all of this is pretty much going to take a year out of my life. But I can handle that too.
I've worked all my life, since I was 15. It's not easy to just find yourself not working. But at least I'm drawing money. And at least I have health very good health insurance.
So, guess I'll blog away and try to make plans to have lunch with friends and family and get out some. The weather is hot so I can't really go outside much. Oh and A big thing while on this treatment is not to get sun burned, not even just a little. So great. I thought of going swimming a few times a week but I guess not. I burn easy anyway.
Also the beach would be out.
But I'll figure something out. Maybe I'll write an all American Novel. Maybe I'll get back into jewelry making and try to go out and sale some.
Maybe, just maybe I won't go stir crazy. But if I do, you guys will be the first to know.
It is two o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep. I'm taking a med that is steroid bases and the Chemo Nurse warned me it may cause me not to sleep. So, I'm not sleeping. I'm rambling here.
This could be one of those posts you may just need to skip.
And why in the world am I complaining? I had a non sick day today. How good is that?
Ok, I'm done rambling now.
I think.
Another Special Prayer
Of all the books in the Bible, Psalms has always been a favorite of mine, even as a child. Like I told Steph, it's the poet in me. Steph saw a beaded bracelet once made with colors that were based on the 23rd book of Psalms.
and I made her and my mom one. Also made one for Steph's daughter, these are the ones I made for Steph and little Robbin. The nurse had a bracelet on yesterday and my Mom had pointed it out to me and when Steph came to visit I told her that I thought that was a Psalms 23rd Bracelet. But instead of Psalm 23, I said Psalm 57 by mistake. I looked at Steph and said, "What's Psalm 57?" We decided she'd better look it up when she got home. I had completely forgotten about it but she did and here's her blog on it along with the verse. Check it out. I think it's a special meaning for me so I'm posting the verse right under my Navajo Prayer that Aisling sent me on my sideboard. I see a bit of similarity to them which is quite comforting to me too. Thanks Steph for remembering to look that up. Very special to me.
and I made her and my mom one. Also made one for Steph's daughter, these are the ones I made for Steph and little Robbin. The nurse had a bracelet on yesterday and my Mom had pointed it out to me and when Steph came to visit I told her that I thought that was a Psalms 23rd Bracelet. But instead of Psalm 23, I said Psalm 57 by mistake. I looked at Steph and said, "What's Psalm 57?" We decided she'd better look it up when she got home. I had completely forgotten about it but she did and here's her blog on it along with the verse. Check it out. I think it's a special meaning for me so I'm posting the verse right under my Navajo Prayer that Aisling sent me on my sideboard. I see a bit of similarity to them which is quite comforting to me too. Thanks Steph for remembering to look that up. Very special to me.
I got Books & Mercy, how's that for a good day?
I ordered two books from Amazon that came today. One is by a Doctor who had cancer and it is what she believes to be the best foods to eat when you have cancer and while you are going though Chemo. I'm a big believer in what we eat having so much to do with how we feel and what happens to us. I don't think God made any foods we should not enjoy or eat but I do think balance is the key. So I am anxious to read it. And the second book is on a lighter side called,"I'd Rather do Chemo Than Clean Out the Garage." It is written by a lady who has lived with cancer for twenty years.
I'm still feeling really good. Thank goodness. Maybe I'm getting a break here to begin with. Maybe I'm being granted a little mercy. Maybe you guys give me so much power my body is responding. I could use a little mercy, so I'm taking it as I get it. Thank you God, thank you all, thank you BIG drug company who makes magic expensive pills. And thank you Blue Cross & Blue Sheild who approved them. Thank you (you know who you are) who told me you weren't good at praying but you were doing it yesterday for me. Thank you family for supporting me and caring. And thank you Sweetie for watching over me even when you are sleeping, if you hear me moving around you open one eye to watch me and if I get out of your sight you come to where I am.
I'm still feeling really good. Thank goodness. Maybe I'm getting a break here to begin with. Maybe I'm being granted a little mercy. Maybe you guys give me so much power my body is responding. I could use a little mercy, so I'm taking it as I get it. Thank you God, thank you all, thank you BIG drug company who makes magic expensive pills. And thank you Blue Cross & Blue Sheild who approved them. Thank you (you know who you are) who told me you weren't good at praying but you were doing it yesterday for me. Thank you family for supporting me and caring. And thank you Sweetie for watching over me even when you are sleeping, if you hear me moving around you open one eye to watch me and if I get out of your sight you come to where I am.
The Morning After
I hesitate to write this post this morning because, well, I am feeling pretty well and I don't want to jinx it or something.
The treatment lasted from about 12 noon yesterday until 6. The first hour I got a whole bag of potassium and other liquids, and then the first cancer med went in, it was such a lovely shade of red which I found out later comes out of your body a lovely shade of pink. At the same time this is dripping in, another med that helps with nausea is dripping too.
After that comes a bigger bag of the second cancer drug, along with something that flushes your kidneys and then last we end with another bag of liquids. Needless to say you have to go pee quite a few times during all this, you just get up and roll your IV stand with you. I sat in a huge leather recliner and just chilled out for six hours.
Oh, and remember those 125 dollar apiece pills? She gave me the first one yesterday and then I took the second one today and the third one tomorrow. They are the newest greatest thing on the market to fight the nausea and so far so good. She said insurance companies sometimes won't approve them but mine did, God love them, and so instead of $370 bucks for these three little marvels, I had to pay 45 bucks. Worth every cent I'm thinking.
Anyway, the time went by pretty fast. My mother came with me and then she left for a bit and ran some errands and then Steph came to visit me on her supper break and that helped and I read a little and napped a little and really the last hour was the slowest.
Originally I was to come in this morning to get a shot that super builds back white cells but he thought my beginning blood count looked so good that we wouldn't need that just yet. The chemo will kill some of them off, healthy ones and the bad ones we need them to, but for now I'll just go next week to have blood drawn and he'll keep close watch on that.
Last night I had a headache and I ate a very light supper of cold chicken and a piece of bread and some jello for dessert. The headache got a little intense so I took some Advil and the next thing I knew I was waking up in my recliner around midnight and I went to bed and slept like a baby, I swear it was the best sleep I'd had since Jonathan's death. No dreams, nothing, just sleep, deep sleep.
I woke at six thirty this morning, hungry. So I had a very light breakfast and even coffee (I'd read where some chemo patients could no longer drink coffee or even stand the smell). So I had coffee. Took the meds I'm suppose to take and although I still have a slight headache, which I'm not even sure is related to the chemo, I feel pretty good. I'm a little shaky and a little off balance when I walk but other than that, so far so good. Of course I realize it's only a little over 12 hours but they say you get sick if you are going to get sick somewhere between 24 and 48 hours. And then the bone pain comes, for some it's worse than for others but most people have it. And that lasts four or five days and then you start feeling better and then guess what? It's time for another treatment.
My nurse advised me to keep something in my stomach, eat little meals five or six times a day much like a Diabetic needs to do. So I'll try that today.
It must be all those prayers and vibrations and thoughts that has me doing so well right now. You guys are good! So, for now we're winning the first battle. But like I say, I'm not letting my guard down, not be negative, just being prepared.
And so that's my update. Oh, I forgot to tell you, the nurse said my face would probably turn red today, just for today. Who knows? I didn't ask. Just something that beautiful red chemo med does I guess.
Thank you all again so much. I told the nurse yesterday I had women from coast to coast and in the middle fighting this with me and she just looked at me like I was nuts. LOL. If only she knew.
Love you guys,
Have a good day.
You'll probably hear more from me today.
The treatment lasted from about 12 noon yesterday until 6. The first hour I got a whole bag of potassium and other liquids, and then the first cancer med went in, it was such a lovely shade of red which I found out later comes out of your body a lovely shade of pink. At the same time this is dripping in, another med that helps with nausea is dripping too.
After that comes a bigger bag of the second cancer drug, along with something that flushes your kidneys and then last we end with another bag of liquids. Needless to say you have to go pee quite a few times during all this, you just get up and roll your IV stand with you. I sat in a huge leather recliner and just chilled out for six hours.
Oh, and remember those 125 dollar apiece pills? She gave me the first one yesterday and then I took the second one today and the third one tomorrow. They are the newest greatest thing on the market to fight the nausea and so far so good. She said insurance companies sometimes won't approve them but mine did, God love them, and so instead of $370 bucks for these three little marvels, I had to pay 45 bucks. Worth every cent I'm thinking.
Anyway, the time went by pretty fast. My mother came with me and then she left for a bit and ran some errands and then Steph came to visit me on her supper break and that helped and I read a little and napped a little and really the last hour was the slowest.
Originally I was to come in this morning to get a shot that super builds back white cells but he thought my beginning blood count looked so good that we wouldn't need that just yet. The chemo will kill some of them off, healthy ones and the bad ones we need them to, but for now I'll just go next week to have blood drawn and he'll keep close watch on that.
Last night I had a headache and I ate a very light supper of cold chicken and a piece of bread and some jello for dessert. The headache got a little intense so I took some Advil and the next thing I knew I was waking up in my recliner around midnight and I went to bed and slept like a baby, I swear it was the best sleep I'd had since Jonathan's death. No dreams, nothing, just sleep, deep sleep.
I woke at six thirty this morning, hungry. So I had a very light breakfast and even coffee (I'd read where some chemo patients could no longer drink coffee or even stand the smell). So I had coffee. Took the meds I'm suppose to take and although I still have a slight headache, which I'm not even sure is related to the chemo, I feel pretty good. I'm a little shaky and a little off balance when I walk but other than that, so far so good. Of course I realize it's only a little over 12 hours but they say you get sick if you are going to get sick somewhere between 24 and 48 hours. And then the bone pain comes, for some it's worse than for others but most people have it. And that lasts four or five days and then you start feeling better and then guess what? It's time for another treatment.
My nurse advised me to keep something in my stomach, eat little meals five or six times a day much like a Diabetic needs to do. So I'll try that today.
It must be all those prayers and vibrations and thoughts that has me doing so well right now. You guys are good! So, for now we're winning the first battle. But like I say, I'm not letting my guard down, not be negative, just being prepared.
And so that's my update. Oh, I forgot to tell you, the nurse said my face would probably turn red today, just for today. Who knows? I didn't ask. Just something that beautiful red chemo med does I guess.
Thank you all again so much. I told the nurse yesterday I had women from coast to coast and in the middle fighting this with me and she just looked at me like I was nuts. LOL. If only she knew.
Love you guys,
Have a good day.
You'll probably hear more from me today.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Today's the Day
I don't go in for my appointment until 11:30 so send me some thoughts about that time. I'm not really nervous, just hope my body understands I'm trying to help it. For a body that's seldom had anything stronger than Ibuprofen, I'm afraid it's in for quite a shock. I'm sorry body, hang on, we got to FIGHT!
I have faith in it.
I'll report back. I promise, and we'll see how the next 24 hours goes.
Aisling, I feel your spirit with me, Tammy, I got my suit of armor on. Chellie, I feel you right beside me just as you've been through this whole ordeal. Marge, I feel your prayers, and Shirley, keep me on that sticky note!
To all my other cyber sisters Becca and Linda, and all the others that have dropped by to wish me prayers and good wishes, thank you so much for your strength and letting me lean on you all . It is much appreciated. And so much more help than you can ever know.
Love,
Robbin
I have faith in it.
I'll report back. I promise, and we'll see how the next 24 hours goes.
Aisling, I feel your spirit with me, Tammy, I got my suit of armor on. Chellie, I feel you right beside me just as you've been through this whole ordeal. Marge, I feel your prayers, and Shirley, keep me on that sticky note!
To all my other cyber sisters Becca and Linda, and all the others that have dropped by to wish me prayers and good wishes, thank you so much for your strength and letting me lean on you all . It is much appreciated. And so much more help than you can ever know.
Love,
Robbin
Little pieces of our Lives
Every since I've worked in a retail environment, especially in optics, I seem to attract customers that are a "little" different. My best friend will confirm this and probably most of the girls that work with me now will too. It's not that they are crazy people or strange looking creatures (although through the years some may have been) it's just that they decide they like me and I'm the one they want to wait on them. They are usually impossible to please with glasses for some reason or another and they are very time consuming and they make it quite clear that it is ME they want to wait on them. All of us have a few customers like this, that want a particular person to wait on them but my people, well like I said, they are a little different. They are the kind of customers that my fellow associates are "glad" only want to see me. One of my "specialties" seems to be grumpy old men. I can handle them and when I do they usually become so loyal to me that I'm stuck with them forever.
One of these people came in yesterday. When he and I first met a few years back, he was grumpy and fussy and complaining but after he realized I wanted to help him, he's been nothing but a sweetie pie since. He's in his 80's but a really alert, young looking 80 something. As usual he has problems with his glasses. He never fusses, we just discuss what he thinks he needs and I try as hard as I can to get that for him.
We had such a conversation yesterday and then before he left he quietly told me that he was so sorry to have heard about my son and that he'd been thinking about me so much. He then told me this. "I know this is hard to understand and some people can't understand why a person would do this, but I do."
I nodded and thought that was all he was going to say but he went on to tell me this, "There was a time in my young life when I thought seriously of doing what he did. Nobody knows that, I've never told anyone. I was at Hiroshima and I saw things there that nobody should ever have to see. When I got back home and my parents asked me about it, I didn't want to talk,and so they quit asking. I would have never wanted my mother to know some of the terrible things I saw there. I didn't talk to anyone about it,and it ate away at me. There came a time, just to get it out of my head I thought of suicide and I thought hard about it. Somehow, I got through it, but still to this day I've never told anyone about that time.Not what I saw over there and not that I'd thought of suicide. So, you see, I understand how someone can get to that point."
I gave him a pat on the arm and thanked him for sharing that with me. I'd never even known he'd been in the service but then the only thing we usually ever talked about was his glasses. I felt quite honored that he shared something with me that he'd never told anyone else. And when I looked into his milky blue eyes I saw the pain there still, up until then I'd only seen the spark of his sweet spirit.
You want to talk about strength, there is a man who has it. I don't know how his life went after that but I do know he married and had children and held a job down and he is a pleasant, kind hearted person. See, you just never know about people.
You don't know the burdens they are carrying or have carried in the past and overcome.
One of these people came in yesterday. When he and I first met a few years back, he was grumpy and fussy and complaining but after he realized I wanted to help him, he's been nothing but a sweetie pie since. He's in his 80's but a really alert, young looking 80 something. As usual he has problems with his glasses. He never fusses, we just discuss what he thinks he needs and I try as hard as I can to get that for him.
We had such a conversation yesterday and then before he left he quietly told me that he was so sorry to have heard about my son and that he'd been thinking about me so much. He then told me this. "I know this is hard to understand and some people can't understand why a person would do this, but I do."
I nodded and thought that was all he was going to say but he went on to tell me this, "There was a time in my young life when I thought seriously of doing what he did. Nobody knows that, I've never told anyone. I was at Hiroshima and I saw things there that nobody should ever have to see. When I got back home and my parents asked me about it, I didn't want to talk,and so they quit asking. I would have never wanted my mother to know some of the terrible things I saw there. I didn't talk to anyone about it,and it ate away at me. There came a time, just to get it out of my head I thought of suicide and I thought hard about it. Somehow, I got through it, but still to this day I've never told anyone about that time.Not what I saw over there and not that I'd thought of suicide. So, you see, I understand how someone can get to that point."
I gave him a pat on the arm and thanked him for sharing that with me. I'd never even known he'd been in the service but then the only thing we usually ever talked about was his glasses. I felt quite honored that he shared something with me that he'd never told anyone else. And when I looked into his milky blue eyes I saw the pain there still, up until then I'd only seen the spark of his sweet spirit.
You want to talk about strength, there is a man who has it. I don't know how his life went after that but I do know he married and had children and held a job down and he is a pleasant, kind hearted person. See, you just never know about people.
You don't know the burdens they are carrying or have carried in the past and overcome.
Monday, July 07, 2008
At the Day's End
Well I made it through the Muga Test. No big deal, they draw blood, mix it with some radiation and insert in back and then you go under a machine that detects the radiation and it shows a live movie of your heart working, they are looking at the heart muscles. They will repeat this test along with other xrays through out the treatment.
No special instructions about tomorrow, just show up.
I am going to be on conference call early tomorrow even though it is doubtful I will even return to work for quite awhile, as badly as I hate to give work up right now, I know I must take this time for me and to concentrate on getting through this.
Nobody has to go with me tomorrow, and I can drive myself home. My mom I think will probably just drop by and check on me but it would drive her nuts to stay there with me the four or five hours I'll be there. So, I'll take a book as the chemo drips, drips, drips into my body.
I've not felt so great today, not sick or anything, just not as good as I've been feeling. Stress maybe or just one of those days when you just don't feel 100%. I've felt so good since I started back to work so I'm not sure what it was. I am feeling better today. My Chemo nurse reminded me that I actually had surgery Thursday and I did work the two days afterwards and maybe that was what it was.
One nice thing is that I am able to take the treatments right here in my town. The radiation treatments will have to be every day and out of town. But for now, until October I'll get to just be 15 minutes from where I have to go.
And so that was about it. I did get to go out after my procedure and get pictures for my mom of the campground.
It is a pretty place to camp. It is surrounded by pecan trees and very peaceful out there.
I'm tired and probably going to bed soon. Thanks to those of you who wished me well and thanks so much to listening to my story and for so much support.
I'll keep you updated.
Hope a peaceful night for you and sweet dreams.
No special instructions about tomorrow, just show up.
I am going to be on conference call early tomorrow even though it is doubtful I will even return to work for quite awhile, as badly as I hate to give work up right now, I know I must take this time for me and to concentrate on getting through this.
Nobody has to go with me tomorrow, and I can drive myself home. My mom I think will probably just drop by and check on me but it would drive her nuts to stay there with me the four or five hours I'll be there. So, I'll take a book as the chemo drips, drips, drips into my body.
I've not felt so great today, not sick or anything, just not as good as I've been feeling. Stress maybe or just one of those days when you just don't feel 100%. I've felt so good since I started back to work so I'm not sure what it was. I am feeling better today. My Chemo nurse reminded me that I actually had surgery Thursday and I did work the two days afterwards and maybe that was what it was.
One nice thing is that I am able to take the treatments right here in my town. The radiation treatments will have to be every day and out of town. But for now, until October I'll get to just be 15 minutes from where I have to go.
And so that was about it. I did get to go out after my procedure and get pictures for my mom of the campground.
It is a pretty place to camp. It is surrounded by pecan trees and very peaceful out there.
I'm tired and probably going to bed soon. Thanks to those of you who wished me well and thanks so much to listening to my story and for so much support.
I'll keep you updated.
Hope a peaceful night for you and sweet dreams.
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