Amy, you Might want to skip this Post

My Daughter in Law, Amy, hates needles, she has improved a lot lately but this is going to freak her out. The shot I had to get today, I got in the stomach. Now I know that sounds terrible but here's the deal, I felt it not at all. They say it stings something terrible in the arm but she promised me it would not in the stomach. She went in right next to my belly button and I hardly knew she stuck me. TOO COOL!

Of course as with any of the drugs, this on has side effects possibly and it is bone pain of the large bones. The meds builds white blood cells so it goes straight to the bone marrow in your bones. Very interesting really. AND so now I'm a mean white cell making machine!

So far so good. She advised me to start taking Ibuprofen and to keep some in my system for the next few days, so that's what I'm doing.

ANYway, I've had a good day, the heat zaps me and when I went into town it was like the hottest part of the day but I wasn't out much nor for long.

I am almost completely bald and I wore a cute denim hat with a silk flower in it with jeans and a blue top, so I thought I was cute.

My Nurse is so proud of how my body is handling that big dose of drugs yesterday, and I am too. Another good take which I accept with all the grace and I can muster..

AND I GOT A SHOT IN THE STOMACH! Am I tough or what?

Have a good night! See ya in the morning.

Love,

Robbin

P.S. I warned you AMY, but I know you read it anyway, lol!

Nature's Colors

The Crepe Myrtles are blooming more at last. I got these yesterday morning. (Perhaps, Aisling I had a Wednesday Stroll this week instead of Sunday but it was nice to get out before the heat and I was feeling really good.)

Though my friend Tammy is taking a blogging break, I know she is still reading and the Crepe Myrtles are for her because I know she likes them.

This is called a Balloon Flower. I love the color

The Cana Lily is blooming up in my mom's garden. IT looks like a burst of sunshine to me. I loved the yellow daylily but this lily is my favorite at the moment. We are forecasted for stormy weather today but I was hoping it would start during the night, as far as I know it didn't. But maybe today. I do have to go in to town around four for my super duper white cell building shot. It's a big shot too! And I'm not usually a weanie for shots but get this, it burns when they give it and so they say if you take it in the stomach it won't burn. I've never had a shot in the stomach before, and I think I'll go for the arm, sting and all. We'll see.
I woke up super early but I am feeling well rested.

Yesterday I witnessed a lady finding out about her cancer and being told about her treatments and when they told her she'd lose her hair she busted out crying. The nurse gave her a hug and some info on where she could shop for hats and wigs. I felt so bad for her, but she'll soon realize it's just hair. And maybe she'll accept it soon, and concentrate on the fight she has on her hands. I hope for her she does. She had a supporting husband there with her and he'll help her.

Anyway, nothing much new here. Everyday gets me closer to where I want to be and that's the deal for now, one day at a time.

I hope this day is a good one for all of you,
Love,
Robbin

Message From the Universe

You needn't worry. There is time. You have all the time in the world. You preceded time and you will exist beyond it. Age is irrelevant; more meaningless than a number. Forever, Robbin, you have FOREVER. There is no dream you now have that you will not manifest. There is no challenge you now face that you will not crush and dispose of. There is no point in spending one more second of your awesome, amazing life, thinking anything to the contrary.
Olé,
The Universe

I'd be Happy Dancing if I had the strength!

A really short post to let you know I did great with the new drug, my heart stayed strong, my breathing was great, my blood pressure stayed in a good place and I didn't have rashes or itches or nothing, so they didn't have to stop it and I feel great. Tired, very exhausted and off to bed soon, but just wanted you to know I'm great. Tomorrow I go back for a shot that super builds white blood cells, it has side effects we'll talk about them if I have them. Thanks for all your prayers and good wishes!! So far so good.

Love you all,

Robbin

I Forgot.....

...I wanted to share a lady's story that I met yesterday in Oncology. She saw the Dr. before I did. She was older than me, probably closer to 60 and she and her husband came out of the office smiling like crazy yet her husband had tears running down his face. I had just spoken to her a bit before but just chatted about how long we'd all had to wait and I didn't know of her condition. She had no hair and a cute yellow baseball cap on, (all of sudden I'm obsessed with hats). Anyway, when she sat back down in the recliner next to me and they started hooking her up she looked at me and said, "I just got wonderful news". She had cancer in the lining of her lung and it had moved to her liver. Hundreds of little legions. She'd been fighting it for six months and today she'd gotten the word from my wonderful Dr. that there is no sign of cancer in her body! I was so happy for her. They were giving her one more treatment for good measure, she was set to have several more, and after this one they would do one more CT and told her it would be as if she never had it at all. She had not had a bad time with her treatment at all either.
I am so happy for her and her husband. He is a lot older than her and you could just see in his eyes all the relief and all the love he had.
I love happy endings.
Have a good day everybody!

About Yesterday

Ok, yesterday was quite interesting. First of all the Dr. who comes from a nearby larger town was two hours late getting there. So by the time he came, he had around twenty people waiting. I've never seen more than five or six people in there at a time. The nurse told us we could if we wanted go ahead and eat lunch so we ate at the hospital and came back and he was there and we didn't have to wait too long. But in the meantime I had to go to xray because my port was acting not nice, and they wanted to make sure it was ok, it was.

I really like Dr. Neal. I had told the nurses about my fear that my kidneys weren't acting like they were suppose to and they'd already sent me for blood test, for my blood count and for the kidney function. So he assured me my kidneys were working good.. He asked me how I'd been feeling and I told him that actually I'd felt pretty good. I told him I was tired mostly but had only had a few days when I had felt really crappy. He said, "Oh, come on, you can tell me the truth" and I told him I Was, but he smiled at me and I said, "I told you I was tough!" and he said I know and you are! I had first told him I had to work and he had told me he didn't think so but I decided he knew more than me and I told him I had decided not to try to work and he told me he knew I'd decide that.

And he poked and prodded a little and listened to my heart and made sure my ankles weren't swelled and then here's the deal.

He is a young Dr. and he is constantly up on new studies. He starts off telling me about the study which I won't bore you with here and what he wants to do and what I've decided to let him do is to add another Drug to my treatment. I will take it by itself, every three weeks, the day after my normal treatment, starting today. It is Taxol which is commonly used but he's giving me a pretty good punch because he says I'm young (I love this guy) and strong and in good enough health to handle it and because I've got lots more years to live he thinks we should do all we can to make sure cancer does not recur.

This one has mostly the same side effects as the others but the one big thing is that it has caused an allergic reaction to enough people that they will put me on a heart machine, monitor my blood pressure and who knows what else while they give it to me today, and maybe every time, I'm not sure about that.

I asked him if he was determined to make me sick??? And he said he was determined to make me well, so what could I say? He is the Dr and I do trust him and so there it is. BUT the best thing about it is, if I respond well, there is a chance,, no promise but a chance that I won't have to have radiation at the end of this and that would be wonderful!

So, another surprise thrown at me, but one I'm not feeling too badly about.
I feel fine this morning, and I don't go back until one this afternoon. I'm taking all kind of pills to ward off the effects and I think this first jolt of chemo every time actually makes me feel good, but I'm weird you know.

I'm not under house arrest anymore, I will go in tomorrow and get a shot that super builds the white cells up and although I still have to be careful I can go and buy groceries and do shopping. So that is good.

SO, hang on it could be a bumpy ride but I seem to be hanging on for dear life and that's what I'm fighting for, DEAR LIFE!

Thanks for being there all of you.
I'll keep you posted.

Spreading the World

A few weeks ago I got an email from a lady named Valarie Bastek. Here's what it said:

Hi Robbin,

Very sorry to read about your health battles on your blog. However, your positive attitude is certainly an inspiration.

I am contacting you because I am currently working with the digene HPV Test, the only FDA approved HPV test in the United States. The test is approved for use in women age 30 and older in conjunction with a Pap, and only used if a Pap comes back abnormal. I've spoken with many bloggers and online contacts, and it is my understanding that women just don't know about the test. I was hoping that you would be willing to help spread awareness through an article or link on your site. We really believe that knowledge is power, and strive to create a site where women can learn from each other and draw inspiration from one another’s experiences. You can collect more information about our test on our Web site, http://www.theHPVtest.com. I can also provide you with cervical cancer survivor stories, fact sheets, etc. for publication on your site. Please let me know if you're interested. I hope to hear from you soon.
Best Regards,

Valarie

Please take the time out to read this article and spread the word of this test that so few women know about and Dr.'s aren't using. For years it seems like researchers didn't do much researching on gynocological cancers but they've come a long way so here's a new took to help protect yourself and your daughters. Although I didn't have cervical cancer I do know and have read about people who have and found out about it much too late.
Thanks,
Robbin

Just checking In

Chellie, I forgot to tell answer back your comment so this paragraph is for you especially. I wore my new yard sale blouse which was white with green designs that matched my tote bag with almost the same design that Steph gave me for my birthday. I had my off white beanie cap on and my new dangle earrings and dark green pants on and a real Jade whale's tail necklace for luck that someone special gave me a long time ago. I was styling, I'm telling you and I wore make up even! And yes, I socialized. LOL.

I'm very tired, got home way late, after nine, (long story that I will blog about tomorrow, but I wanted everyone to know I'm ok, feeling good, my kidneys are working great and seem to be fine.

There is a change in plans which I will tell you all about tomorrow. Too tired tonight.

Thanks for all your good wishes and thanks for your prayers, keep'em coming.
Good night for now.

Off to see the Wizard

I'm so excited about getting to actually get in the car and go somewhere this morning which is really nuts considering where I've got to go. It's a big door inside the hospital that has the words "Oncology Department" on it. It's not a door that I think anyone would really like to go willingly, yet here I am, excited to see people. Excited to see my two nurses, and even the grouchy, unsmiling receptionist that works there. Excited to see my young Dr. who looks like he might be 30 but he is bald, shiny bald, and that strikes me as funny considering most of his patients are too, me included. I'm excited to see those vampires at the lab who never ever hurt me and know just how to draw the blood without causing me to want to scream.

Yep, I think I've lost it, but being stuck at home all week has made me a little stark crazy. Which in itself will strike the people who know me for real quite funny as they know I'm quite a loner and at any other time in my life would be quite content to stay home, alone, for a week.

Things are different, not normal for me, whatever that is now. My thoughts drift to places I don't want to go when I'm alone, and so I'd rather be listening to other people's talk, to their problems. I want to be where things are going on, even if it is a busy hospital, watching people do their jobs, even hooking me up to a drip of meds that affect my body in ways I've just begun to understand.

Would I rather be getting ready to go on a nice vacation to the beach? Would I rather be catching a plane to Washington? Would I rather be going on a picnic or the zoo? YOU bet, but I'll take what I got for the moment. It's called acceptance and if nothing else in the last few months I've learned a lot about that word. This is my world at the moment, and you know what? I'm able to walk on my two legs into that place, I've got a cute hat to cover my bald head, I've got family and friends that support me, and I am alive!

So, wish me luck, I'm hoping my blood count is good so we don't put this treatment off, I want them to happen and be over. I'm hoping all goes as well with this treatment as the one before and maybe, just maybe, this chemo is destroying what it is intended to destroy. And that I will accept gladly.

Have a good day!
Love,
Robbin

This and That

The thing about blogging when you've not really been out of your house except for a few times up to my mom's in almost a week is there is not a lot to share.
I watched a movie called "Reservation Road" that was good. A sad story (I can't seem to get a movie that doesn't touch on something that is happening to me, I guess that stuff makes good movies) but I also watched a cute movie called "Over Her Dead Body" light hearted and funny, although death was involved there too!
I am also reading a new Lu Anne Rice Book that centers around the death of a woman's 18 year old son. I promise I am not seeking these things out for that reason, it just happens
.
I have also become involved in a computer game that amazes me, it is a Virtual Village of people that you have to keep alive. You have to figure out how to get them food, how to train them in trades so that you'll have Dr's and Builders, and farmers. You can have babies, if you can get two people to like each other. It's funny, they go inside a hut and if it works, the woman comes out carrying a baby. It keeps my mind occupied but the thing is, you get kind of attached to these people and just like in real life they die! The game goes on even after you aren't playing, so sometimes you log on and you've lost some people. The villager's bury them and everything. It's amazing how far they've come with computer games since I first had my first computer ten years ago.

I don't know what to expect this week. Tomorrow I go to the Dr. and we'll see how my body is doing since the first treatment and we'll see if the plan to have the next one goes on. I am concerned about my kidneys, and although the antibotic I am thinking fought off an infection I want to make sure that they are not suffering in all this. My kidneys have always been the weakest link in my body, I had kidney stones at 22 and I've had a history of infections during my life. And now that I know more about what having Chemo does to me, I have questions for the Dr. that I didn't know to ask before.

Ok, so I've written a long post about really nothing here, but it's my life for the moment. Thanks for all ya'lls words of encouragment, for always being here to listen to me.

I hope for you all a very good Monday and a good rest of the week.
Love,
Robbin

Looking out From my Chemo World

Ok, well I didn't come out too bad yesterday from my mom's Yard Sale Day. I got two blouses, (one I like, the other one, not so much). I got a pair of dangley earrings, since I've not made my own. And I got a denim baseball cap (caps are a part of my wardrobe these days). SO not anything I won't use at least.

I had a nice phone conversation with my granddaughter and my son on the phone. That's always good for my spirit. And we had a rainy afternoon here so I watched movies.
It's weird to explain how I feel. I don't feel all that great, I don't feel all that sick, I just feel weird. And no energy and well, I guess this is what it feels like to have chemo drugs in your body. But the last few days I feel my mind is sort of dull, my thoughts strange, I don't feel like myself. Maybe just my imagination.

This Tuesday, if all is ok with my blood I will have the second treatment.

Anyway, I've got a bad case of cabin fever and actually look forward to getting to go someplace on Tuesday. Even if I do have to have a chemo treatment. That's pretty sad I guess.
In many ways I feel like I'm just a bystander in the world right now. Everyone is living their lives and doing what it is they do. I am just here, peeking out in the world and really wanting to live my life too.

But then I remember that I've not had all that bad a time with this round and I'm grateful. I'm thankful that I will get through this and go on to live my life, where I want to. I am reminded that life has it ups and downs and I know I am strong. And I know that I'll have better days ahead.

It's a rainy day again today, I like rainy days. Hoping you all have a good and restful Sunday.

NO more Stuff Please......

My mother and her sister got up this morning early, met for breakfast and then will go to all the Yard Sales they can find. I shudder to think what my mother will buy thinking I need. I have enough stuff and am trying hard not to add more because when I finally do get to move, I'm going to have to get rid of some of my own junk already. But anyway, I hope they have fun.

I had fish again last night at my parent's house. My step father grilled grouper again and I actually got it down quite nicely and feel good about getting fish in me.

No plans for me today, I have got involved in a new game on the computer. You see there's this little villiage of people who are trying to survive on an island and it is my job to make sure they learn how to do things and that they find food and build housing and wooo, it wears me out. I let one of them die, and they buried him and I felt so guilty, I think I may not play it

anymore!

I think Hot is the theme of the weather again today and so that means I'm inside for the day.

But my days seem to go by fast, I seem to fill the hours and this week seems to have flown by.

I'm hoping you all have a good weekend and get to do something fun.

Love,

Robbin

Friday Ramblings

I had a nice long night's sleep and I feel pretty good this morning. Of course I've not had coffee yet and I'm needing to get some going.

I finally got to watch one of movies yesterday, it was August Rush and it was very good, I enjoyed it. I also rented Alvin and the Chipmunks because I like the guy in it (Earl) and because I loved the Chipmunks as a kid. It was ok, a little silly but what did I expect? The next movie I have is "Reservation Road". It has Joaquin Phoenix in it, and I like him, so we'll see how it is, I'll watch it today.

Not much excitement around here, not much to talk about. I've ordered Haleigh some more of a series of books I got her started on called "Fancy Nancy". I can just order them from Amazon and have them sent to her. I'm going to try to get her the whole series and maybe she'll cherish them and save them like I did some of my books as a kid.

And so, we'll face another day and see how it goes.
Happy Friday to you all,
Love
Robbin

A Poem I Wrote

There is a part of who I am more valuable than jewels .
It acts on its on without control, it follows no man's rules.
Free as an eagle, wild as the lion, it lives where it belongs.
Deeply embedded within me it dwells, this Spirit keeps me strong.

Never does it leave me nor let me down; always it sustains.
It shines through from the inside out and filters all the pains.
No matter what flesh and bones go through this part of me goes on.
And as of late it is this part of me I mostly rely upon.

It is able to soar as high as a dove in wide open spaces,
No matter what terrible things my physical body faces.
It stays strong long after my body is spent
This Spirit of mine shall never ever relent.

If you look closely you might catch a glimpse in my weary eyes.
It can never break or bend, no matter how hard Life tries.
No person or a thing can take away this strength I've found inside of me.

This Spirit of mine shall forever remain wild and strong and free.

In the Mailbox today.....

.....I got a sweet card from one of the girls at work. HI Loni! She reads my blog but never comments. The card was sweet and made me smile so thanks a bunch. I miss you guys.

It had a dandelion on the front (which is one of my most favorite things)and it says,

"From small beginnings come great things," and on the inside it said, "Little by little your dreams will blossom."

And she wrote me a sweet note. It was very special.

It is nice to get the cards and the ones I get are so special, like you know the person took the time out to find just the perfect words.

Thanks again Loni, I love ya!

The Battle Continues

Although I woke up yesterday thinking I felt better than the day before, the day actually turned out to be my worse day yet in this battle. But I fought back, after all, I am a warrior and my secret weapon? SLEEP. I pretty much slept all day, and all night too. I worried as I actually was thinking I was getting a kidney infection, I've had them often, though not for a few years now and dad gum it! NOW is not the time to have one. But with no defense methods working in my body, it was trying I think to sneak in.

I finally called the Nurse yesterday late in the afternoon and she asked me a lot of questions, did I have fever? Did I have pain? Was I able to pee? I had a little twinge of pain in my lower back but not bad, my temp did go up to 99 during the night and I was drinking enough water that peeing was not a problem.

I just ached like I had the flu and I was very weak. She decided that we'd wait and see if I felt better after the antibiotic kicked in which she said would around 24 hours, and that should have been around 4 o'clock yesterday afternoon. She told me if my temp went higher than 100.4, if I stopped peeing or if the twinge of pain in my lower back got worse to call them, even in the middle of the night. In the meantime she told me just to rest.

And so I did. Boy did I. I feel like I lost a whole day. At one point I woke up around nine o'clock last night and thought, "Great, I'll be up all night now" but nope, I slept another six hours in the recliner, got up and went to bed and woke up at 7:30. And though I'm still not 100%, I feel lots better.

The sad thing is yesterday morning I put a whole chicken in the crock pot, some brown rice and mushrooms and well, it kind of cooked way too long and I now have a whole pot of gooey rice and chicken cooked all to pieces and you have to pick the bones out before you can even begin to eat it and it taste terrible.

I feel strength today that I've not felt for the last two days and maybe all that sleep helped my white cells reproduce and they are hard at work. Thank you white cells, I need you now more than ever, little soldiers that you are. I can't fight this battle without them and so when they are down my spirit has to take over and I refuse to let Cancer or Chemo destroy that!

" Sleep is the best meditation. "
Dalai Lama

The Fight is On! & Other Miscellaneous Thoughts

Got my war paint on this morning and doing my war dance. I am still not quite right, but feel better than I did yesterday. I feel a little more protected since starting the antibiotic, and I'm suppose to take my temp every few hours and so far so good with that. The magic number is 100.4 degrees, if it goes over that I am to call them.

I don't feel extremely bad, just don't feel good, lol. Dah, that probably make a lot of sense. I woke up very early this morning, five o'clock to be exact but I slept a lot yesterday.

And so here I sit, waiting for those white cells to reproduce themselves. My body is working hard, I can feel it and my Spirit is fighting even harder.

I've had three Netflix movies since sometime in May, and finally I sent them back so I'm getting three new ones today. So I'll have movies to watch.

My head is not smooth bald, still have hair, like a man's really short crew cut and I keep rubbing it, it feels weird. Both my sons shave their heads and I remember seeing them do that, rub their heads, now I understand why.. it feels weird!

I have all I need to make a pair of chandelier earrings. I might do that today.

I miss work, and the girls there and the Doctor there. I miss the customers, even the grouchy ones. I feel like I'm so useless to the world, like I'm contributing nothing much. That is why I need to get back to the jewelry making, at least maybe I'd feel like I'm accomplishing something.

I don't think I'm going to be able to be with my mother when my Stepfather has his surgery and I hate that. Of course by then, August 5th, I'll have had my second treatment which is on July 29th, so we'll see.

Anyhow......I hope you all have a good day. Keep those prayers and thoughts and good vibrations coming my way, I appreciate them so much you know.

Love,

Robbin

My Granddaughter, the Actress

Is she not the cutest thing you've ever seen? You can read all about it on Amy's Blog.
TAKE a good look at that face, it may show up on Broadway someday!

MY White Blood Cells Under Attack

These are white blood cells. Usually about midway through your chemo treatment they reach their lowest count. And so mine are low at the moment. Not so low that I had to have that super duper shot that builds them back fast, but low enough where I'm under house arrest. No crowds, no stores, nowhere around kids.. I am a sitting duck for an infection. The Dr. has ordered an antibiotic to ward off anything that maybe starting up. I have strict orders to call my medical team day or night if my temp goes over 100 degrees, if I get chills, a sore throat, a cough. This is all normal, they assure me, and by next week they should be build themselves up again, those white blood cells and then you start all over again.

Also, during this time people seem to get weaker and depressed. Explains my tears yesterday perhaps and my very down in the dumps feeling today, but not to worry. It's happening just as it is suppose to, and hopefully it has already killed the right cells that are the evil cancer, or at least it is working on them.

So, not much pizazz today, but I'm ok. So very grateful I've done as well as I have and this is all part of it. If my cells weren't low that would mean the chemo isn't doing what it is meant to do.

And that's my report. I'm going to settle down with my new book, drink some hot tea, and be a good girl.