On my Way to the Library.....

...............I applied for a job. On a whim the other day I applied for a library card online. I used to love going to the library but got away from it for one reason or another. So, yesterday the card comes and in the info that came with it there was a sentence down at the bottom that said, "Interested in working in the Library? We are always looking for good people, check our website out for openings." So I did and there is an opening in the very library here for a page. I read the qualifications and decided that everything I was trained in as far as retail was concerned, I could relate to this position. I just had to find a way to point that out to them.

So I put together the application package which included an application from the site, a resume and a cover letter. I took the opportunity to explain to them in the cover letter why I am the perfect candidate for their job and delivered it to them today. They will call back for interviews. This is only a part time job but I am desperate and will take anything at this point, plus I really would love to work in a library and maybe it would lead to full time. You never know. AND......I checked out two books. Which is a good thing, considering I'm back into reading and I don't have a job to afford to buy them.

Jiggity Jig, All the way Home

We went into Seattle to the market. Oh how I love to go to the market. Of course it was Sunday and it was Mother's Day so there were lots of people but that was ok. We still managed to see a lot of the shops and to buy good fresh organic veggies for a wonderful spring salad for supper. And it was yummy!

It was also the perfect day for the ferry ride. The mountains were beautiful, there were puffy white clouds in a big blue sky and the water was calm. We saw sea lions lying on the buoys but spotted nothing else much. It is always fun to watch the gulls as they chase the boat. And there were lots of sailboats out today. I saw one with a black sail! I've never seen that before, must have been pirates!

Anyway, it was a fun day. I love to see the street entertainers and all the different people you see in the city. We always walk by the very first Starbucks there was. There are bakeries sending out yummy smells of cinnamon. There are spice and tea stores. There a little shops full of old stuff you remember from your grandmother's days. Anything you can think of, you can find.

I hope your Mother's Day was a good one.

A Night at the Movies

Haleigh's parents went out for supper tonight so at the last minute Haleigh and I decided to try and make a movie that was showing at 7:05. This was at 6:48. Guess what? We made it. It was only was after we got home that her Mom realized that Haleigh had slipped her pants on backwards. I never noticed. We'd made her change her clothes before we left as she was in her Punky Brewster clothes.

We both like the movie, "How to Train you Dragon", it was cute and very action packed so it kept your attention for sure. We also had a big barrel of popcorn and big drinks and decided we were full and that ended up being our dinner.

And so here we are back safe at home, me watching Dateline in my room and Haleigh in bed and her parents watching TV in the living room. All is well.

Haleigh is amazed by teenage girls. It is funny to watch her observing them and listening to them. We had to stand in line with a few to use the restroom and she was just in a trance watching them laugh and talk and interact with each other. I think I sort of remember being like that too. I couldn't wait until I turned 13. I guess that is just the way it is, we can't wait to grow up.

At nine I had an older teenage cousin that I adored. She as 14 and had 6 brothers and no sisters which is why I would think she paid me any attention at all. I spent a lot of time with her. She painted my face with blue eye shadow and navy blue eyeliner and pink frosted lipstick. She rolled my long hair up on orange juice cans. She taught me how to do the twist and the mashed potato. She introduced me to the Sonny and Cher show. She was my idol for sure. It is sad we lost touch when my parents divorced like I lost a lot of my father's side of the family. She'd be almost 60 years old. I can't imagine her being that old.

Oh well, enough of memories. I think I'll call it a night. Good Night.

53 & 1 Day Old

Yesterday was my birthday. Three years ago I was really worried about turning 50 but now I'm used to being in my fifties. I'm an old hand at it you see. I'm a woman in my fifties. I can say that without cringing or anything. The sad thing is I feel all grown up. I don't think I ever felt all grown up until I turned 50. That's not entirely true. That little girl in me shows up every now and then, she's still there.
I got scented candles and a book and some dark chocolates. All my favorite things. I got bath stuff from my mother. I love that too. And we had chocolate cupcakes with cream cheese icing so I had a nice day.
If I can make it through the month of May I can make it through anything, so I'm on my way.
And of course I'm back to seriously looking for work which is not easy. But I have faith, something will come up, I just know it. I am due for something really wonderful and spectacular to happen so I am counting on it. I've been waiting a long time. I'm ready.

Cold Hands, Warm Heart

I had to go to the post office today to mail a mother's day package. Also to the drug store to pick up a Rx and then to the bank. On the way back I found a little park that I'd been to once before and sat by the water (in my car, it is still cold here) and read for a while. It is windy today but bright and sunny and the water was pretty as it waved and shimmered. It was nice.

We are having sloppy joes for dinner. We make our own sauce to try and reduce the sodium and we use turkey meat so maybe we are having Sloppy Janes. Either way, they are easy to make and Haleigh gets veggies she just doesn't know because we use low sodium V-8 Juice in them.

It is still so COLD here. I've been patient but I am now ready for warm weather. Right now, please. Seems like my feet and hands are always so cold! Last year I think it was warmer earlier.

May used to be my favorite month, not so much anymore. Did I already say that in a previous post? Sorry to repeat myself if I did.

I've read three books in the last two weeks and that is the most I've read in quite awhile. I'm glad as I've always gotten so much pleasure from reading. It would be nice to be able to read again so maybe this will be a lasting trend.

Amy has finished her show last weekend and will take a break for a little while I think. She did back to back shows and her voice about wore out.

Matthew has rediscovered The A Team, a TV show from his childhood and watches episodes almost nightly. Brings back memories for me when two little boys loved it.

Haleigh starts her rehearsals soon for her play. And we soon have a dance recital to attend and the end of school musical they do every year.

And that's the news here.

I joined an online group for parents of suicide victims. I'm not sure it is the place for me. I'm still reading through some of the posts and it is a little assuring that people have the same thoughts as me mostly. But instead of making me feel better, it really kind of depresses me more , I don't think I like it.

This weekend is Amy's last weekend to do "Cabaret". Her voice is about gone because the singing in this one is BIG and Brassy and she did do back to back shows. She went to the Dr. and he gave her pills to help protect her vocal chords so they won't be damaged.
It will seem strange to have her home on weekends, she's been doing this since Jan. I think, at least that is when she started rehearsals. She has had a good time but it will be good for her to
rest up.

Nothing much else going on, I have no big weekend plans. Last weekend I went to Seattle to a theater called The Fifth Avenue to see a play called "On the Town ". It was fun.
Happy Weekend!

Cooking and Reading

Well, let's see. Today I read and read and researched to death how to cook a round bottom roast. I didn't want a roast to cook to death as in a pot roast, I wanted a "roasted roast" to slice thin and have with corn on the cob, sweet potato fries and slaw. I got a little worried when I read that this cut of beef was tough and tasteless but I did find recipes where people did them all the time and just like I imagine it to be. It is cooking now, so we shall see.
I'm also in the middle of a book that is really good. It's called Summer's Child and I bought it on a whim at the grocery store the other day. Not sure I'd be able to read, it is always a risk of wasting my money. But I'm glad I bought it, it is good.
I've decided I really like cooking for people. For so long there I didn't have anyone to cook for. I'm going to miss doing that when I do get my own place. No fun to cook for just yourself.

Another Day

Tonight we had a special supper celebration for Haleigh who auditioned Saturday for "Cinderella" at a local community theater. Like mother like daughter. She is in the ensemble much to her dismay, she'd like to start at the top like she thinks her mother did. Her mother did not but it seems like to Haleigh she did.

I sent out a few resumes this afternoon. It would be nice just to have some interviews to go to. I just know things will happen as they are suppose to but with time on my hands I tend to think WAY too much. A friend of mine says I need to think, that I'm still healing but thinking causes me too much pain. I think I am going to have to have some help to get through some of the feelings I have. I'm going to give it a bit more time but I don't think my thoughts are moving in the right direction.

It doesn't help that May 22nd is coming. It will be two years since Jonathan died. It seems like just yesterday but the funny thing is the pain of his loss feels more raw now than ever. I guess the numbness has worn off. Grief is one of the strangest emotions I've ever experienced, it is unpredictable. It sneaks up on you just when you think you are handling things well. It
is unexplainable, you can't explain to someone who is not close to it too. It is lonely. It is hard. I don 't like it a bit but loss is a part of life sooner or later. But like they say, it is un-natural to have to lose one of your children.

Anyway, back to Haleigh. She wanted Spaghetti for dinner & so it was. I cooked and had it ready when she and her mom got back from dance class. She had fresh flowers on the table and real plates and the works! We had sparkling cider which I put on ice in a bucket and she asked me if that's how they did it in the old days. HAHA, very funny. I guess she thinks I lived before we had refrigerators. She thinks I'm quite elderly you know. And then for desert she and her mom went and got ice cream cup cakes from Stone Cold Creamery. Very sinful they are!!! She was cute, enjoyed herself immensely. I know she'll have fun doing the play. Can't wait to see it. So glad I'm here to see it.

And so, life goes on. Day after day, life goes on............... thank goodness.

Here I GO Again

Well, I took such a long time off from blogging, I'm not sure I still know how. Oh, well, I'll try. Writing has always helped me sort through things and that's what the blog does for me. I wasn't sure I'd blog again, and who knows, maybe I won't for a while after this one but I feel the need to write so here goes.
I'm so confused. Of course I've been confused most of my life but this confusion came to me quite unexpectedly and I can't seem to get over it. It bothers me. They say time heals all things but I am not sure I buy that.
People told me all the time how strong I was to get through that terrible year of 2008 but I did not come from it unscathed. And the question is, the big question I have is this, am I shutting myself down or can I not help it? Who is this person that looks like me but doesn't think like the old me or feel like the old me? Will I never be who I was and if not, who am I?
Ok, ok, I'll explain in more details.
NOTHING excited me, makes my heart go thump thump, makes me feel so happy I could burst. Sometimes I get close. Like back last winter when we saw the big gray whale right here. I almost get excited when I go to Seattle, I love the city and all the noises and people and all that is going on there but still, almost it gets me going, but not quite. I just need to FEEL! And there is the question, am I deliberately making myself not FEEL?
And I'm not sure my brain works like it used to. I seem to not ever be really thinking about things. I mean I am functioning. I do the things you do, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, shopping for clothes and other things one needs. But I don't think much deeper.
I'm not sure what is going on with me.
Stay tuned.

Off to Work at Last I Go at Least for a little while

Ok, I finally got an interview and after much ado I got the job. And I am so grateful. Years ago I worked in an accounting office and prepared taxes and have somewhat kept up with the new laws as I've done my own and some of my friends and family member's taxes since then. Anyway, banking on that experience I applied for an opening for a tiny little accounting office here in town. She was a little Leary of me because the last time I did taxes for the public we did them by hand, no computers. And she's been burned before by people saying they knew what they were doing and then not even knowing what a 1040 form was or how to use a mouse. SO.......I was just honest and told her yes, it had been a while but that I just knew I could still do it. And so she's giving me a chance. It of course is just a seasonal job that will be over in April but I think it is a good stepping stone for a lot of reasons.
1. It gets me back into the work force kind of slow and easy.
2. I will meet new people which could even open doors to a permanent job.
3. If I do a good job for my boss I will now have a local person who will give me a reference because no one seems to be interest in calling my Georgia ones.
4. Preparing taxes is very good for one's mind and I need mine stimulated, lol.
And so.......I am happy and excited. Starting off at just a few days a week until tax season starts off and then away we'll go. And we won't come up for air until April 15th.
Love,
Robbin

GoodBye 2009

This past year has not been a bad one for me but it has been more of a "bridge" to where I want to be. Physically I am where I want to be, with the people I want to be with. So that's a start. I'm hoping this year will bring the rest of what I need to survive and settle down again. I have great hopes for me and for YOU.
"Happy New Year" to you.
Love,
Robbin

 
I've decided I like nothing better than the sound of the crunch of the frost as I walk across the grass in the park. Much to my dismay, no snow yet. But I'm still hoping it will come soon.
I hope you had a very nice Christmas. We did and all I can say is to finally be able to spend Christmas and Birthday with my Granddaughter has been the best gift I could ever get.
Things I've learned from my granddaughter since I've arrived have been numerous but right off the top of my head are these two little tidbits.
Just when you think you've lost all the joy and magic of Christmas, see it through a child's eyes. Even though every year more and more of her little friends tell her that Santa is not real, she is just not ready to give it up and her belief is so strong that a few times I thought I heard Santa's sleigh on Christmas Eve. Never stop believing because if you do you become a bitter person.
The other thing is this. Haleigh's Birthday is Decemeber 26th and I always hated that for her. I felt like she'd always get cheated on her birthday but here's the thing I've learned. She is not upset about it at all, instead it is a wonderful thing for her because when Christmas is over for everyone else she still has the day after to look forward to. It is just a continuation of her joy and that just blew me away. And I love that about her.

So, there you have it, my thoughts for the holidays, but wait, we're not done yet. We still have the New Year to look forward to, don't we?
Love to you,
Robbin

On a Clear Day

There's something very refreshing about putting your little dog on her leash on a very bright and sunny day and the two of you going for a walk in the 18 degree weather. If you bundle up enough it is not bad at all. There's no wind, just sunshine, which will not last long so you learn to get it while you can. This has been our routine for the last few days. And on these nice sunny clear days, the mountains are so clear, so beautiful. I guess it is true, "On a Clear Day, you can see Forever." I wish my life was so clear to me.

I thought I was excited about blogging again. I guess I'm not. I am keeping a private journal because if I blogged what I was sometimes feeling it would make people think I'm nuts or really disturbed so I decided to keep things mostly to myself. You know, private thoughts that I must work out myself.

I don't really know how to be this new person I've become. So I'm learning slowly. I'm carrying a lot of guilt right now by not being independent and on my own. I'm wondering about and doubting decisions I've made. I don't know how to handle the stabbing pain in my heart that hits me from time to time without warning when I realize again that I've lost a child who is gone forever. I don't know how to stop saying "what if" and I don't know how to push myself to a new level.
And so I've still got a lot going on here that I've got to get through. And I will. Clearer days have got to be right around the corner as I refuse to miss out on the sun!

Long Legged Horses and Other Weird Stuff

I had a dream last night that when I woke up this morning and looked out the door I saw a horse standing in the backyard. This was not a normal horse, this horse stood on very tall legs. I mean very tall legs, like 10 foot tall legs. The rest of his body was normal. It was strange. He just stared at me and I stared at him.
From a dream interpretation site it says this about dreaming of horses.....Horse
The horse is a lucky animal in dreams, suggesting the dreamer is in control of his/her life. If you dream of a runaway horse, you are scared by your own strong, passionate feelings. ummm, doesn't mention a long legged horse at all. I'm not going to even try and understand it.
AND...I just saw a commercial for the Wii with a cooking game. A cooking game? Why not really oook! It showed a little girl and her Mom and the little girl was plenty old enough to be really cooking. Oh well, I guess it saves calories but I can't imagine it being better than really cooking. Weird to me. But then again I guess it is no worse than watching the cooking network and never cooking at all, just watching them.
And I've just learned today that cats love to play with the little ring thing that is on a milk jug. And this is such a known fact that someone actually sells them for this reason. So there you have it.....Weird Saturday.
Hope your weekend is a good one.
Love,
Robbin

Finding a "New Normal"

I've borrowed the phrase from someone who made a comment on Shirley's blog about one of her posts but it hit me as what I guess I'm looking for. And I've decided that I am way too hard on myself. I mean my life took on a huge change and maybe and only maybe when things are lined up just as they are supposed to be, then I will find a "new normal." And I'm guessing there is no set time for that. It happens when it happens. And not a minute before. In the meantime I am thankful for my kids who have enveloped me into their home and allowed me this time. How special is that?

L O S T

Tomorrow will be two weeks since I had that one interview and I've not heard anything so I suppose I'm not getting a call back. And although I need a job badly, I didn't have all that good of vibes with that place so probably it is just not the job for me. So, I need some more leads.

I've had the hardest time for the last few months. I do not regret my move, I am exactly where I want to be. I am beginning to wish maybe I had transferred instead of just quitting my job, although at the time, I needed a break. I couldn't transfer and still live close to my family so that is why I didn't and like I said, at the time I really needed a break from working. But now I need a life. I have no place to be, no friends, nothing much of my own. I think I am slowly losing my mind.

Is there no place for me? Can I be happy? I guess only the future will tell.

On the bright side Haleigh and I have Saturday night together since her parents have plans and this is what I've wanted for so long, to be able to just spend time with her. I think we'll have a rummy tournament and h'orderves! So there, I have that to look forward to and that is a LOT!

Sorry for the depressing post, just feeling a little lost at the moment. I know things will work out just as they are suppose to, this is not my first experience with being lost. Seems to be the theme of my life.

What's on TV?

My grandmother made the best caramel cake ever and I've not thought about it in years until this morning when there it was.........on the Today Show. I recognized it by looks alone before they ever told what is was, and the kicker is....some southern lady makes them and ships them everywhere, she's made it into a business! If only my Grandmother had thought of that she'd have been rich!
I've really got to wean myself from the TV. I'm really quite sick of it yet I can't seem to look away. I can't seem to turn it off, it sucks me right up and I'm lost in Day time talk shows, my soap, and night time Dancing with the Stars and The Biggest Loser and........oh so many shows. It's driving me nuts!
The thing about TV is that you can waste hours in front of it and (in most cases) afterwards not really be any wiser than you were. Even if you watch the news, you just get depressed.
OH, I've got to go, The View just came on......

Not So Much Going On with Me

My walks with Sweetie lately have meant wearing a "real" coat, not just a hoodie. And I kept some of my knit hats from my hairless days and they are feeling pretty good too. It feels good to me still. I like it.
Quiet around here this weekend as little Haleigh is sick with a cold and has spent most of her time curled up on the couch. I hope she feels better soon.
We start a new week and maybe this will be my week when something happens.
Hope your week is a good one,
Love,
Robbin

News from Lake Webogan

Ok, really from Cordele Ga. but it sounded a lot like a Garrison Keillor story from A Prarie Home Companion show.
Today is my mother's 72 birthday so a call was in order. I'd gotten an email earlier informing me to call her on her cell phone as she wasn't at home and in the email she told me exactly what time to call her because my stepfather would be taking her out for dinner since I wasn't there to cook her birthday meal or her cake. And she said, "I guess that's my fault for having one child so boohooboohoo." That made me feel, ah, I'm not sure how that made me feel. I've often wished she'd had another child as well to take some of the pressure off of me.

My Aunt Betty who is unemployed and only lives on her social security is taking her to lunch today only she can't afford to pay for my mother's lunch so she'll have to pay for her own.

We talked a minute about my job hunting and I was told that my cousin who had gotten fired earlier from her job because her little son had used her work lap top had just landed a job with Walmart making 60 thousand as an assistant manager. I'm happy for her, she supports her family, her husband has always been the house husband, (she likes it that way). Anyway she has to dress up for work and wear dress shoes and her feet were hurting and who knows how long that will last.

My mother over sees a KOA campground and had to fire the family that worked for her there so she'd taken up the slack but she's hired some people. She asked for prayers at church for employees so one woman's granddaughter's husband needed a job and then another lady had a daughter who is working. My mother loves them both, which she always does love the new people she hires........for about two weeks. We'll see how this goes.

And it goes on and on. 72 years old and going strong. She is really amazing. And that's the news from home.
Happy Birthday Mama.

Paint it Black

Really dark and odd colored fingernail polish did not appeal to me for a long time but all of a sudden I like them. I read where the rule is if you wear dark colors your nails should be short, never long. I'm not wearing black yet but I do have a pretty dark red on right now that is pretty to me. These days I have to find different ways to entertain myself you see. The problem with that is things that entertain me cost money. I need to watch how I spend my money until I get a job. Of course there are free things too. Like a walk in the park. Like an evening with my grandchild, now that's entertainment!

I'm reading again which makes me really happy as I've always gotten so much enjoyment out of a good book. Right now I'm reading "Her Fearful Symmetry" which is a little weird but holding my attention pretty well. The author is the same who wrote The Time Traveler's Wife if you read that one or if you plan to see the movie. She's a good story teller. The Time Traveler's Wife is one of my favorite all time books.

And those are all my thoughts for today, pretty sad huh? Oh well, sometimes life is like that.