To Make the Pain Vanish

I had so many dreams for my firstborn. Almost twenty nine years ago when they first put him in my arms I thought I couldn't contain all the love I felt for him. Being barely nineteen at the time of his birth I knew absolutely nothing about being a mother. That of course didn't matter because those maternal instincts kicked in and all I knew was that I'd do whatever it took to protect him from any pain that came his way. How very naive I was.
Such a perfect baby he was. He was so perfect in fact that three years later when I gave birth to his brother I couldn't believe that this wrinkled red thing that seemed to be all limbs was mine! I laugh now but my first child came out with beautiful olive colored skin, perfectly proportioned body, a head full of hair and was the sweetest baby one could ever imagine. I guess I thought all babies were like that. And although his younger brother grew into those limbs and was just as beautiful around three months, he didn't come into this world like his older brother did.
During his early years he was the easiest child to raise one could imagine. But around the age of seven or eight something happened to his spirit, to his soul maybe. I'm not sure, but I do know he's fought demons ever since. There is no peace for him ever. His life is always in chaos. He nevers feels good enough, he creates so much drama for himself. He drains all of us dry, the ones of us who love him. But he doesn't think anyone loves him.
To see one's child in pain is so much worse than being in pain yourself. If I could take away his pain, cast it into my own heart, I would in a minute just so he could be happy and realize how special he really is.
I think back so often of what I could have done differently and though I don't know for sure if anything we did could have caused this, I'd still love to go back and do things maybe differently. His brother is a completely different person, and I raised him the same way. So who knows~
So, I'm putting another dream in the Cedar Chest tonight. I'm hoping and praying that my son will find happiness soon and know that he is of value. I'm hoping his pain will disolve and he can at last stand proud and stand on his own. Life isn't easy for anyone, but most of us learn to cope. I'm hoping he'll learn this soon.
My sweet, sweet, perfect baby.