Time for Goodbyes

I have to say goodbye to this little silly girl today. She and her mother head back to Washington today, her father has a flight out tomorrow. As you can imagine, this is not going to be easy for me. I want to wrap myself around their legs and hold on for dear life. Matthew and I will drive them to Jacksonville today to the airport and the trip back will be just him and me, and it will be a precious three hours that we've not been able to have alone since all this has happened.
For so long it was just me and Matthew and Jonathan and we went through some pretty tough times as they were growing up. I thought we'd made it through it all pretty well, we did what we had to do to survive and we took care of each other. In November, the three of us were together for the last time and we sat up half the night remembering some of those times. I know that was such a gift now. I knew it was a gift then too (you couldn't always count on Jonathan to come to family functions) but I didn't know how much of one it was until now. So , it feels weird that one of us is missing. But as strange as it may sound, and as much as it hurts, and as much as I'd love to have him with us again, I can understand why it was his time to go. For so many reasons it fits and the timing was right for him. Of course my own selfish self wants him back alive and living but I couldn't help him with his pain. And if I had the choice of him coming back to life today, his same life, I don't know that I would agree to it. If I were promised he'd be able to function and handle his problems and not have to fight that darkness I'd love for him to be back with us, and I'd gladly exchange my own life for him to be able to do that.
But that was not the plan. There are people who suffer a long time from the pain that my son suffered. Some of them end up homeless and all alone. Jonathan didn't have to do that and because I loved him so very much, I am glad.