Last Minute Customers and a Difficult Christmas Tree

We were pretty busy yesterday, it was the last day of the big contact lens sale and of course we had people who waited until the very last minute and so even though we closed at six, and everyone else had left me by five, I got stuck with a few people and didn't really close until six thirty or so, but that was ok, I didn't have a hot date or anything to get to.
At some point we've got to decorate for Christmas and so Steph and I at least put the tree up. We have one of those that you buy that already has lights on it and we fought with it because half the lights were out. We finally got all of them to come on except the top third of the tree and we ended up having to change out every little bulb. IT was a pain but it is up. The girls will decorate it the rest of the way Monday, I hope.
I have to work today, but it is only a five hour day and it is the end of the month so I have paperwork to do, so I'll be busy, even without too many customers.
Next week I have to go get one more blood test for the blood thinner and then I only have to take it a few more weeks and I'm off of that and also Thursday is the day I go see the Radiologist to see what decision they came up with for me.
It would be nice not to have to see anymore Dr's for a long time but we shall find out. I'm ok with whichever way we go. And that is a good place to be.
In the meantime, I am feeling fine and that is a very good thing. Happy Sunday to you all,
Love,
Robbin

Rain & More Rain

I'm not complaining about the rain though, I like rain and we always need it. It was rainy all day yesterday and looks like it will be that way today too. Working seems to have cured my waking up at four thirty in the morning. I slept until seven thirty this morning but I don't go in today until ten thirty so I'm ok.
We had a pleasant day at work, the big store was busy but we stayed pretty busy as well and although we are a little behind our budget, I am pleased we've done as well as we have in this economy.
After work I stopped by for left overs for supper up at my Mom's and I hardly remember anything after that, I came home and not too long afterwards went to bed.
Back in July when we had the Family Reunion here, one of my cousins came up with the idea of having just a "Cousin's" reunion. She and her husband live up in the Georgia Mountains and are care takers of a group of cabins and they can have people stay there if the family that owns them aren't using them. I figured she was just wishing and talking about it but it looks like she is really planning it and since I am planning on moving miles away in the Spring she wants to do it before I move.
I'm not much on reunions but this would be different, just us cousins who've always loved each other but never gotten to spend much time with each other since we've been grown, so if it happens I think I'd love it.
And so, that's about all I know for now.
Have a good day!
Love,
Robbin

Friday Ramblings

I got coffee brewing and I'm ready for a cup. Because the Walmart Store has all those early bird specials, our company thinks the Vision Center should open early to maybe attract some of those customers. Of course it has been our experience that those people are not interested in glasses that early and so usually it is a waste of time. Our District manager kind of left it up to us this year and so I decided to go in alone and open at eight instead of nine, and maybe I'll sell something but I doubt it. Some of the stores will open at seven, but I don't see the point in that.

We had a pleasant day of Thanks yesterday. Ate too much, but the food was very good of course and then a nice nap and I watched a movie and then we ate again.

This morning it is raining and the frigid cold is gone for the moment. One of my biggest problems lately is staying warm. Even at work I freeze to death when everyone else is either comfortable or hot. My body temperature seems to be way off.

I think I work straight through everyday until Wednesday now, and that's good, I am feeling good and stronger everyday. The better I feel the more I hope they don't do the radiation. But then again I want every chance I can get for the disease not to come back. At any rate I'll find out on Thursday.

And so I must get my day started. Hope your day is a good one.

Wishing all of you a Very happy Thanksgiving. I have lots to be thankful for this year. I am thankful for my family, I am thankful I had a son in my life for thirty years that was a complicated, loving, talented gift to me. I am thankful for his brother Matthew and hope we will soon be together and I am thankful he wants that also. I am thankful that I am Cancer Free, and I am thankful to live in a Free and Beautiful country. I am thankful for my job. I am thankful also for all my blogger friends. Hoping you all the best wishes and the happiest of Turkey Day.

Back to Work I GO

Not sure if it was all the excitement from going back to work or if I just had an off day but I felt lousy all day yesterday. At least it was my day off and so I just didn't do too much and this morning I woke up feeling fine again. Maybe just one of those days.
Anyhow....today it is back to work and I'm ready. We have a Big Contact Lens Sale twice a year and today starts that, so we're all there. It is cold this morning and I'm waiting anxiously for my coffee to get ready.
Our Thanksgiving will be just us, my parents and myself but my mother was trying to figure out the menu and was going shopping late last night to avoid the crowds.
The economy may be bad and we may all be watching our spending but most of us are going to eat for sure. I wish every American Family would have a nice warm meal tomorrow but I know not everyone will.
And so, I've got to get my day started and I hope for you all a good day and a Very Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow.
Love,
Robbin

Flowers I got Yesterday

The ones on the left are from my girls at work, they had them waiting for me on my desk. The ones on the right came from Matthew, Amy, & Haleigh and were delivered to me. And then when I got home, Roses from my special Warrior, thank you my Warrior Friend.

A Good First Day

I had a great day yesterday. The girls at work went all out to make sure I felt welcomed back. I've got a conference call this morning, if fact in a few minutes but I've got pictures to post and things to tell you about what they did and so I'll be back to do that.
I am off today, after the conference call at least.
I was very tired by the time I got home, really only hit me when I finally sat down, but it was a good kind of tired.
Be back soon!
Love,
Robbin

Off to Work I Go, YAY!

Ok, today's the day. I hope I remember how to log on to our computer. I hope I remember how to sell glasses and talk to customers about what they need. I hope I remember how to deal with insurance. I hope my head covering doesn't fall off. Work has been so far from my mind for so long, I hope it all comes back to me.

I am up early, as usual, and I don't have to be at work until eight forty five. I thought I'd try to sleep at least until seven but at five thirty I was wide awake. I work today and am off tomorrow and am off on Thanksgiving and I work the rest of the week.

I am feeling quite well, really strong but I know being on my feet all day will be a challenge. I can sit if I need to, and if we are busy, we are up and down and then I have a tiny little office I can escape to if I have to. But I have a feeling I am going to be fine. I am so excited to get back out there and so very thankful I am able to.

Hoping whatever you do today will be a good one.

Love,

Robbin

We are What we Eat

I've researched a lot about certain food that may or may not help the body fight off cancer. According to this site these are the top ten Cancer fighing foods.

1. Tomatoes
2. Broccoli Sprouts
3. Berries
4. Soybeans
5. Tea
6. Pumpkin
7. Spinach
8. Garlic
9. Pineapples
10. Apples

The Road Ahead

As excited as I am to go back to work, I am surprised that I am also nervous. My stomach is churning and I have that anxious feeling and it finally occurred to me it has to be all about tomorrow.
It was weird to go back after being out for six weeks when I had surgery, but this time it has been 4 and a half months. That's a long time!
As I look down the road ahead of me, it is my plans to be able to move to Washington in the Spring. I am told the people at work, (because they know I've wanted to do this for a long time, and spent a year trying to decide if it was the right move for me)thought I'd just not come back to work here, but it is not that simple. I've got to have a job lined up, I've got to be able to pack stuff up, it has to be a time when Matthew can come help me and get me. My boss is aware of my plans and she will help me however she can as far as a transfer. My mother, knows my plans, although I don't think she really believes I am going to. She doesn't understand my son WANTS me there. And of course after all I've been through and having her to go through it with me, it throws me back into that mode of feeling guilty for leaving her. But like Matthew says, when she and my stepfather needs us, we can come back, I am not deserting her. It will be hard, but I'm not going to doubt again what I want.
Some people say having Cancer was the best thing that happened to them. I'm not at that point. I am very thankful that I responded to that nasty Chemo, and I have realized in a double way, dealing with my son's suicide and my disease, how precious life is, and how you can be sailing along in life and POOF! Everything changes.
So, as I take my first step onto this road ahead of me, I am going to try and live the best I can, and we will see where it leads.
Hope you have a good Sunday,
Love,
Robbin

Feeling So Good

It is, and I don't know why really, amazing to me how I get stronger and stronger everyday. That is a good thing, and my body is on hardly any medication anymore, and no more poison so it makes sense, and I've been poked and prodded so much that at least I know I'm pretty healthy and so I can take that and run with it.
I've finished my six bracelets and got them boxed and ready to deliver. And I'm reading a book by Lance Armstrong called "It's Not About the Bike, My Journey Back to Life", which is pretty amazing. I didn't think I'd care for it because I figured he talked a lot about cycling and he does, but it is interesting.
It is still cold here in Georgia, and suppose to be really really cold tonight.
And the Radiologist called me today and he is leaning toward me NOT having radiation....but as I've learned with this ordeal, don't believe anything the first time you hear it. My case has to be presented to the Cancer Board of the hospital and though he thought they'd agree with him, I am ok either way. That board of Dr.'s are a lot smarter than me on the subject and so I'll find out on Dec. 4th when I have an appointment with him.
Other than all that, I've had a pretty uneventful day. This is the last few days of me staying at home and I can't tell you how glad I am to be going back to work, even if I am bald! BIG DEAL! I'm alive!!

A Nice Day

I've had a really good day. I met Steph for lunch, and even though she took a long lunch, still wasn't enough time to catch up on things, we're behind four months really.
And then I had to buy groceries, which isn't my favorite thing, and then I came home to see my supplies for the bracelets are here, so I made three of the six and then my Aunt called and I promised her one (I'm nutty). Anyway, my legs are a little wobbly but I tested my strength today and I think I'll be fine for work on Monday. I still have heard nothing else about radiation. Not sure that is a good sign or a bad one. Anyway, it is going to be a good thing for me to get back out in the world. I am sooooo ready.
I hope your day was a good one.
Love,
Robbin

AND ONE MORE THING......

My friend and fellow warrior, Tammy, did a post on me yesterday that featured this beautiful Angel of Courage and although I can't believe someone as courageous as she gives me so much credit, I did want you to visit and read it and the poem she wrote. It is just beautiful and I am honored to have her as a friend. Thank you Tammy with all my heart. I'll never forget the day you emailed me and told me I had to be a WARRIOR. And after reading your blog, I knew you knew what you were talking about. You truly live the life of a Warrior everyday and have done so for a long time.
Ok, this is my 4th post for today and I'm done. (Maybe)

My Cousin

I have a cousin, Chad in Iraq. He is special to me, one reason being when Jonathan died, he called me from Iraq. It meant so much to me to hear from him at that time. Anyway, his wife sent out this picture the other day of him meeting a former President and I think that was way cool. So I wanted to share it.

More About My Yesterday

I was so very nervous yesterday when I got to the Dr.'s office that my heart rate was off the charts. So much so that the nurse didn't trust the machine and took it with her hand and it was beating like a drum playing Wipe Out. I told her I was very nervous and anxious. She made sure I didn't have dizziness or shortness of breath, which I assured her I didn't. I was just plain scared to death!
When I saw the Dr. he took his sweet time telling me. He was really jolly though and I thought surely if he had bad news he wouldn't be so happy, but you never know about Dr.'s. They are indeed strange creatures for sure. He said, "Now you've only had five treatments?" And I said, "NO! I'm done with the treatments, I've had all six." He says, as he searches his notes, "Well, I just don't see where I recorded that." I was getting a little impatient with him so I said, "You're suppose to have a CT scan. HE says, "Oh, that I do have." And he still is searching his notes. I sit there, my heart I think is simply going to jump right our of my chest. Finally he says, "The CT scan looks wonderful, you are completely Cancer Free!"
At first I thought surely I did not hear him correctly, so I was silent for a minute and then I just burst into tears and told him I loved him, lol. He told me he loved me too. I don't have to see him again until three months.
We discussed Radiation. He's never seemed to be real keen it seems to me on the radiation if I responded so well to the Chemo but he has to refer me back now to the Radiologist that referred me to him and he says that since I'm only 51 and could possibly have 20 or 30 more years to live, they would want to do any preventative measures to keep it from reoccurring and you know that is what anyone with Cancer always fears. So, I still don't know if they are going to do that or not, they are trying to figure it out and maybe I will hear soon.
Radiation will not be a party, I know and it has its own side effects, and I will have to work while I do it. Radiation is usually every day of the week for five or six weeks. But I will do it if they think I need to. After these last four months I feel like I can do this one last thing. SO we shall see.
I am looking forward to going back to work this coming Monday. I am having lunch Thursday with Steph, my best friend and my assistant manger at work. She got left with it all and has worked hard and I appreciate her keeping things going so much. She has done a good job but I know she is tired and has missed many days off. Somehow I need to make that up to her.
I'll end my rambling for now. I hope you are having a good week. I got to start thinking about moving. I'm getting closer and closer to being where I want to be and I'm over the moon!
Love,
Robbin

THE Marie Antoinette Award

I woke up this morning to find a blog award to me from Linda over at Vulture Peak Muse . It is an award for speaking your truth with sincerity and integrity and Linda awarded it to me for speaking the truth of my cancer journey. Thank you Linda! I am honored and I hope if someone else faces this battle and they search for others like I did, they will land here and know they can get through it, even dealing with other problems as well. I too seem to choose blogs of people who are honest and truthful about their lives and I think all on my blog list do that as well.

Linda is a talented artist and if you've not ever visited, please do. She faces challenges as well and shares all of it with truth and her honest feelings, and her heart is big as Texas. She has never failed to encourage me and share her feelings and thoughts with me. Thank you Linda.

I'm not going to award it to any one person, but if you'd like it or like to share it with someone you know, please do.

I'm sorry.........

.......to be so late in getting back to you. I've spent the afternoon with my mother and also making calls. I've got two words to share with you all.

CANCER FREE

Those are the words that belong to me! I am so happy, so glad, and so very thankful. Thankful to God, and to all of you who've been on this journey with me. How can I ever thank you? Some days your words are what got me through. It is still up in the air about radiation, the two Dr.'s have to discuss it but that's ok. I am going to be ok. And at last I can move forward.

I'll tell you more tomorrow, for now I'm just going to enjoy knowing that that Chemo did what it was suppose to.

Thank you again, all of you so much,

Love,

Robbin

Ok, today's the day and I'm a nervous wreck. My appointment is at ten, but you know how that goes, I probably won't get in to see him until an hour past that. All I can do is hope that Chemo did its job and we'll see where we go from here. I'll post this afternoon. MY mother is going with me and she has plans to go shopping at Walgreen's when we get done, she's clipped coupons and I have a $25 dollar certificate there because I transferred a Rx from Walmart, only because Walmart didn't have the drug I needed. So, I gave it to her, so we'll see how that goes.

So, wish me luck and I'll be back.

Cold Monday Morn

I slept this morning until almost 7:30 which is a record for me. I got my coffee brewing and it is in the 30's here this morning. Wednesday morning will be in the 20's! But I'm warm and snuggly inside and so I don't care.
Since I'm going back to work a week from today, this week I'm going to try and take a walk every afternoon and test my strength out. I will however wait until this afternoon when it is a little warmer. Sweetie has gotten fat! Although I can let her out alone out here in the country and trust her not to go to the road, she never wants to stay out long and so a walk will do her good as well.
Tomorrow I see the Dr. for the results of the CT scan. I'm a little nervous. I never trust them because it has been my experience they'll tell you everything looks good and then all of a sudden it doesn't. Well, that happened once and it scares me.
Anyway, I have the faith that it is going to be good news. I expect they'll want me to do radiation but please, please, no more chemo. It is what I fear the most.
But I'm thinking positive for good news and so we shall see.
I finished Edgar Sawtelle and it was a good book. A very different book, but one that caught me and held me and the characters are still with me. At least Edgar is. I especially loved the way the author talked of the dogs. That's about all I can say without giving anything away but it was a book worth reading for sure and I'm glad I did.
Other than that my weekend was quite.
And so another week has started and we are closer to me getting back out into the world. I think that will help me more than anything I could do. Living alone through this, there have been times when I've felt so isolated and alone. I'm a loner anyway but this time has been way more than even I've ever wanted.
I hope your week is a good one.
Love,
Robbin

A Special Gift

Remember when my friend Tammy did the walk for ALS? Well, she wore this band during her walk and guess what? She sent it to me. I don't think she realizes how special it is for me to have it. It says "Never Give UP" and I am so proud and honored to have it. So thank you Tammy. I love you and if I ever knew anyone who Never Gives Up, it is you. You are my inspiration for sure.

Just Me, YADA YADA YADA

Today is one of those days I think that start off at a warm temperature and gets colder as the day goes on. It is dark and rainy this morning but by in the morning it is suppose to be cold. And cold all week. I'm not sure how cold but down here if it gets below 50 degrees, we are COLD!
It is my company's policy that once you go on long term disability and you're on it for thirty days they can terminate you. I had read this in the policy book before I left work and I didn't know exactly if that meant you'd really get terminated or what. Yesterday I spoke with my boss and guess what? They really mean it. She got an email from the girl in HR and it told her to please send in my termination paperwork. My boss was shocked and not aware of this policy and so she called her and said NO! I don't want this person terminated and so the HR woman told her she'd have to get it approved from a company exec and so thank goodness she did. I was very appreciative because if I lost my job, I'd lose my insurance and oh brother! Can't even think about that without shaking.
SO, that was a relief and I am grateful to have a boss who stood up for me. She is the district manager but she was a manager when I came to work for the company and she originally hired me, so we go way back.
I am planning to go back to work in nine days and I'm excited about it. Regardless of whatever the DR. says on Tuesday, I'm going back to work. And I am so ready. I'm on straight salary but my boss told me if I can't start back full time they can pay me hourly and I told her I wanted to try and start off full time, we'll see how it goes. If I have to have radiation I can still work but I may have to goo hourly if that happens.
SO anyway, this morning I am grateful for my boss and for the company I work for and to God for not letting me lose my job.
My friend over at Rapunzel's Castle mother is fighting Lung Cancer (please add her to your prayers) and on her sidebar she has this which I'd like to share because it is so true.

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit.
~Anonymous

What I Know For Sure

Becca wrote a post inspired by an article in Oprah's magazine where you think about what you know for sure. She posed the question on her blog as well as her list. I read that article too and here's my list.

I know that life is not fair and can change in a heartbeat.

I know that you can't control other people but you can control yourself.

I know that you can live with a broken heart but it is hard.

I know that most people honestly care, even the ones you maybe think don't.

I know that good things come out of bad things sometimes.

I know that you have two choices when you face adversity, you give up or you fight like a warrior .

I know that you can love people you've never met face to face.

I know that life is a gift and we are here to help each other.

I know how strong my spirit is and that there is devine intervention that keeps me going.

I know that being a Grandma is the best feeling in the world.

What do you know for sure?

I'm Up Really Early This Morning...

....and having Hazelnut coffee and you know how you get it in your mind that it is a certain day of the week but it really isn't? I keep thinking today is Saturday and I have to keep reminding myself that it is not. Not that it matters that much to me at the moment. All my days seem to be the same.
Today we have bad weather predicted, bad storms and tornado warnings. I don't mind so much, well, I don't want a tornado but I like the rain. Especially if I can stay home, which is what I do most of the time anyway.
I keep checking my head to see if I can spot some hair growth. So far not anything. I have a little fuzz in some places, but nothing else. I am ready to see something growing there!
I can't start on my bracelets until my materials come in but I may work on making some pieces today. Usually I make up some this time of the year and make a little extra money selling it for Christmas gifts. Actually my mother does a better job at selling it than me.
Oh and yesterday I got two cards from customers of mine. Very sweet that they miss me and care enough to send me cards. A few weeks ago I go one from another one too, an elderly lady that is a favorite of mine.
And so that is about all I know for the moment. I'm still into my book and so reading and jewelry making and my computer will keep me occupied today. I hope your day is a good one.
Love,
Robbin

A Lazy Rainy Day

I'm all done with the CT scan and it is a dreary, cloudy, misting day. Perfect day to curl up with a book. At last I'm able to read, I couldn't for the longest. And it so happens I'm into a really good one too. I'm mostly a sucker for Oprah's picks and although I don't buy all of them, she was so excited about this one I just figured I had to have it. So far it is very good, has me captured. It is also the author's first book and it is my experience that the first book an author writes it usually the best. Not always, but most of the time.
So, I am going to lose myself today in this lovely book and take it easy. I'm not feeling as good as I have, nothing big, just tired and my legs ache. Hope you all have a good day.

A Good Day At Last

So far this week has been really nice. On Monday I got another package from the girls at the store that have sent me little care packages from time to time. This time I got the cutest Christmas pins (two of them) and 3 pair of Christmas earrings. And as always a funny card that makes me smile. I also finally had a long phone call from one of my most favorite people, Tammy who showed up here just when I needed her. She's my inspiration for sure and she and I both had a bad week last week and didn't get to talk. So that always cheers me.
Yesterday my blood work was good so I don't have to change the dose of the blood thinner I'm taking and she said if it stayed good next week I wouldn't have to have blood work every single week, they could spread it out. That is very good news because I cannot tell you how tired I am of being stuck!
And, yesterday afternoon my Nurse called me and told me she had a lady there that saw the bracelets I'd made them and she wanted to know if I'd make her three of them except with a breast cancer ribbon. She caught me off guard a little and I really quoted a price that is way too low, barely pays for my materials, but that is ok, and then she called back and said the lady wanted two more, and then she called back and said she wanted one more, so six all together. WOW! I got work to do now. I have all I need except the ribbons so I had to order them. But I was so excited that someone actually wanted them! So that made me happy.
I also got some Christmas shopping online done. I've always wanted to give my granddaughter the world so I bought her a globe. So all in all, I had a very good day. We'll see how today goes and not think about tomorrow morning when I have two big old jugs of that chalky stuff to drink for my CT scan, YUCK! But then I remind myself that this would have been the week I would have had Chemo so the chalky stuff is really NOTHING! Have a good day!

SOME GAVE ALL

Don't forget to take some time out of the day to honor our Vets. I am so grateful for these brave men and women who keep us and our country safe. For the ones who gave their lives, for the ones who made it back, for the ones who are fighting at this very moment, I am so proud of them and for their families who sacrafice so much. Thank you!

Back to Myself

So sorry I've been absent from the blogging world for awhile. The good news is I worked my way out of the darkness of depression and to test my body out I ventured to the grocery store early Sunday morning and shopped and brought my groceries in and put them away and was not at all worn out. That made me happy. Very happy. It is hard to judge just how strong I am here at home but that outing which was so different from a few months back when I last tried was great and gave me even more energy.
And so maybe the chemo is not going to leave me with any lasting effects which I've feared for sometime now.
This week I get the scan on Thursday but I won't see the Dr until next Tuesday. So I have that to look for.
I have to go out this morning for blood work since I'm still on the blood thinner. I have to stay on that for three months, well, actually only two more months now. And I'm looking forward to returning to work on the 24th of this month.
But thank goodness the depression left me and I once again feel hope for whatever happens.
It is cold here in the mornings and I can't seem to stay warm. But it warms up nicely during the day.
I got a jewelry catalog yesterday and there was a necklace in it that had a quote I liked and think it will be my new mantra, it said, "Don't worry about tomorrow because God is already there." I liked that. It works for me at the moment.
Hope you are all well, I have some catching up to do reading every one's blog. Thanks to all of you who've left me comments last week and this week.
Love,
Robbin

A Bad Few Days

I've had a couple of bad days. Not so much physically but mentally. Today I seem to be coming out of it somewhat and for that I am glad. Depression seems to be a side effect I experience too but this time it was pretty bad. It drags you down physically too and so I've been like a sack of potatoes, just sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I'm done with that. I cried myself a river and that helps I think.
And so today I'm going to try and get some things done around here and at some point I need to go grocery shopping. I feel stronger and I'm pretty sure I can handle that.
I cannot tell you how glad I will be for this to be over and for me to go back to work. I have too much time to think here, and work will help that.
That's about all that is going on in my world at the moment. Hoping you have a good weekend.

What I Think

I can't help it, I cry when I see the pride and the awe in the elderly Black American citizens as they witness the fact that they lived to see a black president elect. Not that many years ago, black people couldn't vote. Not that many years ago, in a society that I can't fathom only I did live in, black people couldn't go into many public places. People gave their lives for civil rights, some gave blood, innocent children died and just because of the color of someones skin they weren't treated equally. NOT that long ago. How proud I am to live in a country that voted for who they thought would do the best job but if I were a black American how double proud I'd be walking today and how I pray with all my heart of our new President's safety for although we've come a long way in our country and are far removed from those barbaric times, there are still crazy people walking around.
We shall see what changes are to come and I hope he can accomplish great things. Its been a long time since we've had a president that accomplished great things. I'm hoping. And not too far off in the future maybe a woman will be added to that list of presidents. And I'm all for that!
Have a good day.
Love,
Robbin

Note to Marge, all morning I've tried to leave a comment on your blog but it won't let me so if you read this I just wanted to say your daughter is in my prayers and so are you! Love you!

The Week to Come

I am glad this week not to have to be probed or stuck too much nor to have anything dripped into my body. I do have to go in tomorrow and have a blood test and get a flu shot but other than that I'm home free. Thank goodness.
My body and spirit needs this time to heal and regroup.
Wednesday is my mother's birthday and we will celebrate that with just supper and a cake and just us. She needs a little attention as for months now she has had to deal with me and my problems.
I am also glad the election will soon be over. For two years we've been listening to this and I'm ready for it to be over. So ready.
And that is about all I know for now. Hope your coming week is a good one.

Self Examination

It is obvious to anyone now that I have cancer, or that I am having Chemo. The cancer doesn't cause you to look this way. It is the cure that does this. You know the look, not just the hair loss. If you see someone wearing a hat that is obviously bald that is not a sure sign but I am at the point where the lashes are gone and there are circles under my eyes. Most of the time there is not much color to me, I am a ghost. My skin is dry and flaky and I look a little like an alien. My face is puffy, as are my hands. Yes, I now look like a Cancer patient. I stare at this strange person in the mirror. I wonder who she is. I don't see me there.
The way I look on the outside is not who I feel like and so each time I see myself it sort of shocks me.
I'm a little blue tonight. And I can't sleep. I went to sleep earlier, too early really and now I'm wide awake. I'm tired. I'm weary. I'll be ok. I'm tough you know. I search in the mirror beyond the puffy face, into my eyes. I search for a spark, a light, but even my eyes stare back at me empty. I don't like that. I need to see something in my eyes. I need to see a tiny piece of me left, that piece that has faith and hope and desire. And passion. But nothing is there. Where have I hidden that part of me? When will I be back and who will I be? And then I see something. It is compassion. Compassion to my own self. Compassion to all those who've walked this path before me and after me and with me. Those eyes, dark and lashless and empty show compassion to my own soul and others, for all the hurt and fear and unknowns. My Spirit is still right there if I stare long enough and then I smile and there is light there too.So I must remember to smile, keep smiling. And I know it will be alright.

My Experience

Well, that life port, the one that gave me lots of trouble from the start was to come out on Thursday. I was just so relieved to be able to get it out, I could have never dreamed that morning when I left home at six thirty what my next few days would be like.
The port came out but there was a part of it, a big chunk of it missing. So when the surgeon goes back in to find the rest of it, he couldn't find it. After an xray there it was in the heart chamber. Things got interesting and scary after that. I was not allowed to hardly move, I was rushed by ambulance to a bigger hospital about an hour away. They assured me that this had to be done sometimes and that the surgeon there had done it lots of times, making a lasso of sorts of some kind of tool and "fishing it out". Well, this is me we are talking about and it wasn't that easy. After three and a half hours in a freezing operating room on a skinny little table, they finally got it out. Just before they had to open my chest up and take it out. I was awake the whole time, I'm not sure why and it was the most horrible experience I've ever had in my life but I'm getting past it and going on and don't want to think about it much anymore. I am grateful they got it out, it was a very serious deal and the important thing is I survived thank goodness and lived to tell the story.
After I was released from the hospital and went to WALGREENS to have scrips filled my sweet nurse's voice that had stayed with me while I was still at the hospital here came up behind me and although I wouldn't have recognized her face, I'll never forget her voice. She hugged me and introduced me to her husband like this, "This is my patient I was telling you about yesterday honey." I never ever wanted to be a "patient that someone went home and told her husband about" but I was that day. I wish I could have taken her with me to the bigger hospital. At that place the nurses weren't nearly as caring and assuring as she had been to me.
And so that is it in a nutshell, there was a lot more to it but I'll spare you the gory details. I don't know why the thing came apart inside of me, I'm just glad it is out of me, ALL of it. And I thank God I am ok and survived it. CAN you believe this? It just goes on and on and on.
But, forward we go one more time.
Love,
Robbin

My Granddaughter

Lately I've not been able to show off my cute Granddaughter but Amy did a cute post that shows her from nearly every HALLOWEEN since her birth, go visit and see my cutie if you haven't already. Go visit here to see. The one above is her gift from me right after her soccer game.

Just in Case You Wondered

I had some complications with my surgery but I am ok, and have a story to tell, which I will in a few days, but in the meantime, if you missed me and was wondering, I am ok. Seems like life is playing a game with me to find out how much physically and emotionally I can take. So far, I'm still up one.
I'll be back soon to catch up on things. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts, I can assure you they work.
Love,
Robbin