Just me Thinking

A few weeks back Tammy wrote a post about her Christmas pasts, present and future and it got me to thinking.
My Christmas pasts were wonderful as a child. Santa came to see me early on Christmas Eve because my mother just couldn't wait. She'd arrange for us to go somewhere always right after supper on Christmas eve and lo and behold when we returned home, Santa had come. I never remember waking up to Christmas morning Santa. I thought I was special because he came to my house early.
When I was a teenager Christmas got a little sad and I learned it was so much more fun seeing Christmas through the eyes of a child. When my parents divorced we moved near my Aunt and her kids so for the next few years it was nice. And then of course Christmas was fun with my own boys.
But suddenly I found myself all alone, with my grandchild far away and Christmas became more of a chore than a joy. As I browse other people's blog and see their families decorate the tree I realize what I've missed for a long time now. I can't remember the last time I have felt the Christmas spirit or felt true joy.
This Christmas I am extremely grateful to be alive and well. This Christmas I miss Jonathan who in his own way brought a little Christmas joy to me if only to just show up on my doorsteps and ask me to babysit his dog while he went to a Christmas party, like he did last year. Since Matthew moved away from home, I've seldom even had a tree up as he was the one who always made sure I had one.
As for my Christmas future, next year I hope to be helping my family decorate the tree. I hope to find magic through my granddaughter's eyes. I'm tired of being alone during this season. I'm tired of going through the motions and feeling short changed. But next Christmas I hope to be with the people I love the most in the world. Losing Jonathan, going through Cancer, these things have made realize more than ever that we're not promised tomorrow and I've wasted enough time!!