The Conversation

My mother has known for quite some time that I am moving only she refused to really believe it. I mean after all, talking about it and doing it are two different things. Last spring when I had my hysterectomy, and before the cancer thing, Matthew and I thought I'd be able to move last summer but then I kind of got side tracked. Anyway, at that time Matthew talked to her about it and as expected she expressed how she just couldn't believe it and that she felt like we were deserting her and my stepfather.

First of all, I am my mother's only child. I've never lived more than an hour away from her in all my almost 52 years. As long as I've lived I've probably never done anything that would really rock her world. I've tried to be a good daughter but she never seems to think I am. And I've tried for my whole life but she is the type of person that has always pointed out my faults, and I can never really truly tell you anything I've ever done that she thought was admirable. I get that too, that is just who she is. I quit trying to figure it all out a long time ago. She is my mother, I love her and I know she loves me, but our relationship does not bring me acceptance or comfort.

And so, you can understand how hard this move is for that reason. She can make me feel so guilty, and so this week I had to finally (yes, I have put it off this long) have the conversation and to let her know that this is really happening.
She told me she supposed her and my stepfather would just go live in a nursing home. There would be nobody here to take care of them. At 71 years old the woman is healthier than I am! My Stepfather is only 60 years old and is not feeble at all I can assure you. But I was expecting that, it is why I put it off so long. There is no way I'm going to get her blessing. She doesn't understand why in the world I'd even want to move way up there. "But don't worry about us."

And so she will not make it easy for me. Part of the excitement and joy of this new adventure will be tainted for that reason. And my whole life, I've got to tell you, I've not ever done things for fear of upsetting someone else's world. That's just how I'm made up, how I roll. So I've got to be strong here. And I knew this all along. So she'll be pitiful until I leave. And I've got to concentrate on what I want, what I need. In my dream world she would tell me she loves me and although she will miss me, she is glad I am doing this and she understands how I need to be with Matthew and his family. But that ain't gonna happen. In my dream world she'd fly out to visit me and we'd see all there is to see out there but oh no, she told me right away that her traveling days were over and she wasn't going anywhere. So I have to live with this and go forward, no matter how hard it is.