Hello Fall!

I began this journey back in the Spring. I had no idea when I went for a hysterectomy what was ahead of me. If I'd known, maybe I would have ran and hid under the covers. But life has to be faced, you can't hide.
And now, after the long hot summer, Fall has arrived. It is my favorite season. I hope it will bring some calmness and better times but if it doesn't I know I am strong and can face what there is to come. You learn these things when you go through two of the worse days of your life. First when they tell you that you have Cancer, and then, a month later, they tell you your son is not alive anymore.
You learn a lot about yourself.
The fatigue has gotten inside my body and taken a toll on me in the last few days. There is no way to describe it, you have to kind of experience it, which I hope anyone reading this, never has to.
And this is the time, as I've mentioned recently, that for some reason in between treatments, it works on my emotions. So, I have to constantly remind myself that this will not last forever.
Today starts a new season, and it would be nice if it would be a really good season for me. Since it is my favorite season of all, that would be great.
Hoping a good week for you all.
Love,
Robbin

Isolation

Today although I feel ok physically, my emotions are a little off. I should be used to that by now, it's like a roller coaster ride, much like the blood counts they keep up with so much. You never know when you're going to feel on top of the world or so depressed you just isolate yourself. I tend to do that anyway. But that doesn't make me feel less lonely in this or hide me from the fact that I'm all by myself, although really I am not.
But I know this too shall pass and so I go on but I've learned not to fight the feelings, I let them come. And I remind myself of how lucky I am for so many things in this. Some people at this point can't get out of bed and have so many more complications that I have not had. And I constantly have to remind myself that this is just for now. That's the hardest part as the days pass slowly and I'm cut off from so many things that had been my life. And it bothers me that I've lost that passion that was mine for sometimes the simplest things. I can't seem to find passion for anything. Can't work up enough energy to be passionate about things. And that's a sad thing. It's hard to think past this, it's hard to know I'll be me again, or will I be me again? Anyway, all these thoughts are flooding my brain today, I have too much time to think. But if nothing else I know I am strong, physically and mentally, and I can't wait for the day when I find that passion again.

Somewhere in Nebraska

This is a deserted old farmhouse somewhere in Nebraska. I have no ties to Nebraska, I've never been there but I have a friend who is working out there right now and he took some pictures for me. Knowing I'd love this one, it is my favorite of what he sent. He sent it in color but I like it a lot in black and white. I look at this picture and wish it could come alive and tell me of the family or families that had lived there. What was their life like? What joys and hardships did they face? I can almost imagine a bunch of kids running around in overalls outside in the yard. I can imagine a hard working farm woman, like my own grandmother, taking care of her kids, working the fields, doing what it took to sustain life. I imagine a husband and father, quite spoken and proud. I wish this house could talk.

Friday Already?

After the blood test yesterday morning, I felt so good, and my mother was with me, I asked that we stop and get some fruit that I'm craving at a local grocery that has more "local" stuff than Walmart, which is really the only other store we have. But then, since I was in the grocery store, I needed this and that and I wore myself out again at the grocery store. But once I got home I was ok. Wore out, but ok. It's the fatigue that I just never could imagine before how it would be and then of course a combination of blood sugar still not quite off and also the blood test shows my blood is too thin now, so we back off the blood thinner. It's a balancing act with that and the reason I will have to have blood tests ongoing while I'm on the blood thinner. Just part of it and a part I can certainly live with.
Not much else going on in my world today. But that's my life at the moment, just concentrating on taking care of me. It's a full time job too! I'm up early and got some Hazelnut coffee going. I love Hazelnut. The smell is almost as good as the taste.
I hope a happy day for you and a very good weekend. And please check out what is going on with my friend Tammy, and participate if you want to or can. You can be a "virtual" walker like me or find a walk close to you. It would mean a lot and I am so proud of her!
Love,
Robbin

Giant Marigold

My Stepfather is growing tomatoes in buckets and there are a few Marigolds planted with them to keep the worms away. This is the most hugest Marigold I've ever seen. WOW. As for the tomato vines they are full of tomatoes that won't seem to get ripe! I did have one the other day and it was so wonderful. I forgot what real tomatoes taste like because here all you can get are the ones in the grocery store that come from who knows where.
Most people who go through Chemo have a metallic taste when they eat but I've not experienced that at all. What I have experienced is food tastes more intense. Meat is not so good to me, it all taste too meaty. Like wild game almost. I can eat chicken breast a little but not much else. Sweet stuff is too sweet, salty stuff is too salty, it's a little weird. But those tomatoes, Yummy. They were perfect. And fruit is good to me, it taste wonderful.
Anyway, just wanted to share this GIANT with you and to say have a good day. I'm off to get another blood test. My poor veins, I think I'm going to run out of good ones before long.

So far so good today too. And I am grateful for every minute. Although I still can't do much, it is nice to feel good while you're not doing much. My mom has a few odd flowers blooming, I think I will take the camera out for a stroll and see what I can capture.

And my brain is more clear also than it's been for a little while. Not at all fuzzy. So that is a good thing too. So I'm hoping for another good day, minute by minute, hour by hour how truly greatful I am for this blessing.

Love,

Robbin

SHH!

I'm not shouting this info from the mountain top yet, but just between you and me, I've had a really good day today. I woke up feeling a little yucky but then things got better. Nothing much in the way of side effects. I'm tired, always tired but nothing sick like I was last time and I'm five days away from the last treatment and I'm still eating real food. I've so far had no pain from the super dooper cell building shot. I got out and visited my mother this morning and got in some nice cool fallish sunshine under my belt. My iron count is up, and so maybe, just maybe this treatment which was suppose to be my worse yet will not be. Which means, and I am whispering this, that there is a possibility that I may have a few good weeks before my next treatment. Wouldn't that be cool?

And it is eleven thirty at night and I'm not asleep, which I usually am by now and......I am happy. Do I dare to think that this one could be easy on me? YES, I'm daring, let's say I think this one is going to be a lot better than the last one.

Time will tell, every good day I'll accept for sure, and not question it. Only two more treatments! So, ok, go ahead and sing it JAMES!

Bumpity Bump

I hit a bump. On Wednesday I went for my treatment, very encouraged over my PET scan results (still am) and what should happen but the port that I have was blocked with a blood clot. SO, I got my treatment anyway through an IV in my arm, but the bad news was I was put in the hospital to get my blood thin. My surgeon who put the port in says it is not unusual for it to happen but because the way to get rid of a blood clot is to thin the blood, that has to be monitored in the hospital. You can imagine how well I took that. I got so upset about having to go to the hospital that I sat there and cried and they gave me something to calm me down. At first they told me a few days but it ended up being from Wednesday to Sunday. I did however get both my chemos so that is a good thing.
Also while in the hospital and back on the steroids my blood sugar went nuts and I am now on insulin. Scary to me but I am handling it ok. The silver lining of course is I have such good care providers is that they catch these things and we can fix them and go on. But now I will be on a blood thinner throughout the rest of my treatments and the Diabetes will stick until after the treatments too. But they assure me these are only temporary.
I have truly not felt bad during all of this. I have no energy but that is nothing different and the blood sugar thing makes me feel weird, but not bad. And even so far (knocking on wood) this treatment that was always said to be my most difficult has not made me feel too bad yet. And usually by the third day I am feeling kind of rough but it is the forth day this morning and so far so good. I do have to go get that super dooper white cell building shot today and it makes me ache so we'll see.
I know it sounds like a lot and that I am falling apart but as long as I know we are making progress I am still feeling good about it, it gives me a boost and I feel like we are on top of everything, even if I do have to deal with three different doctors to take care of everything. Every one has his or her jobs and that is what they are interested in.
I have read everyone of your comments and thank you so much for your encouragement and for checking on me. I'm sorry I had to leave you all hanging there for a while but I am ok, and I am facing this with head on as it comes and bump after bump. The only thing stressing me out at the moment is that I've had to depend on my mother so much and I'm afraid it is showing on her. She has been through so much these last few months. She's lost a grandson, her husband had major surgery and she's had to deal with me. She's tough but she is also 70 years old and I see the wear it is putting on her. I think sometimes this sort of thing is worse on the family than it is for the patient.
I am glad to be home, out of the hospital, with my little dog and around my own things. I am so thankful not to be in pain, and not to be feeling bad right now. And I'm thankful for each little blessing I can find in this journey of mine. And I am especially thankful for those of you who send me light and love and prayers from so far away. And so, I am OK.

Off For Treatments with a New Outlook

"When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the morning light, for your life and strength.
Give thanks for your food and the joy of living.
If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies in yourself."
.......Tecumseh

Although I dread the treatment today, I have new faith in it and that I am responding to it and that makes a big difference. At least I know I am responding to that Chemo that makes me feel so yukky. And there is light at the end of the tunnel. And who knows, maybe this time won't be so bad although the Dr. has promised me this time and the next time will be the worse ones so far. Maybe I'll prove him wrong!

Hoping you all have a good Wednesday and find time to be thankful for all you have in your life.

Some Good News At Last

Today I finally got to have the PET scan. And guess what? We got the initial results back and the PET scan has improved. The several "hot spots" I had are gone except for a tiny little spot in my pelvic area. That was very good news and my Dr. was very proud. So now, we go on with the next treatments, three more. I didn't have one today, will instead have one tomorrow and one Thursday, which only puts me a day behind the regular schedule.
At least I know it is helping and that will make me even stronger to face the next treatments.
So, I am happy tonight and assured that I will get through this.
Just wanted to share and to thank you all for your encouragement, prayers, good vibes, kind words and at times more faith than I had that I can handle this.
Love,
Robbin

Ten Years Ago

On this day, ten years ago, a boy, who had just turned 19 two days before, had graduated from high school the summer of that year, and had joined the Navy and was headed to Chicago for basic training really soon, came home on this September afternoon, in shorts and a tee shirt along with his girlfriend of less than a year I'm thinking and announced to me that they had just gotten married. It was not a complete surprise, I knew they were going to do it even though I thought it was a big mistake. But I didn't know when and so yeah, I had to sit down. TOO young, and he about to go into the world, see the world, and I just couldn't believe they were going to get married. But they did. By the Justice of Peace in a little tiny town, just like that! I had an instant daughter in law that I just wasn't too sure about.

Just goes to show what I know.

Happy Anniversary Matthew & Amy

I love you both! And I'm so proud of both of you.

Too Sweet for my Own Good

After a trip to my regular Dr, I was given some medicine to lower this blood sugar of mine. My Oncologist called and talked to me, he says, "I hear you are just too sweet for a PET scan." Not so funny to me, but he had sent me for a blood test that tells them I've not been diabetic long, so it tells them that it is indeed Steroid induced. All he really cares about it getting my sugar down low enough for the PET scan he wants. I'm worried about what kind of damage these high levels are doing to other organs.

So, my own Dr. is my advocate for that too and she prescribed medicine that at first I thought was doing nothing. I had to buy a meter to check it and at first the levels were sky high but finally yesterday the drug seems to be working and yesterday my levels were much lower and this morning even lower. Which is a good thing since I have another PET scan scheduled for first thing in the morning. Also it is my treatment week, so I guess I'll have Chemo tomorrow and Wednesday as usual. This depending I think on if I get the PET scan. What a mess!

But I feel better that my Dr. is helping me monitor the diabetes and she says probably after the treatments,and the steroids are out of my system it will go away.
I usually have a good last week before starting the chemo but the diabetes took that away from me last week. Just my luck!

Just a bump in the road, bumps are to be expected. Through it all, I've tried to find humor in it, I've tried to keep my spirits up, and all I can do is just shake my head and think what next?

And so I go on, stomping forward in my combat boots. And as much as I dread this next treatment, another part of me knows that it will just get me closer to the end of this.

Happy Birthday to my Son

Today my youngest son turns 29. I chose this picture because this past April when I had surgery he flew from Washington to be with me afterwards and to help me. One of the things he did was to wash my car. It was a luxury to me to have someone to that for me. He and I had a lot of good quality time together. He was still here for my birthday which was in May and he took me shopping and we bought a computer game and spend the next few nights playing it together. It was so much fun and a memory that I will have forever.
We didn't know at that time that in a few weeks he'd be flying back, this time because we'd lost Jonathan. He and I have had a hard year. But I am so proud of his strength and the man he's turned out to be.
On the morning of Jonathan's memorial I didn't think I could make it. I honestly just wanted to crawl in bed and stay there forever. On that morning I texted him on his phone and asked him "How will I make it through this day?" and quick as a wink an answer came back, one word, and it was "Together."
Happy Birthday Matthew, I love you with all my heart and I wish we could be "together" right now.

Unleashed Feelings

Dealing with Cancer makes you a pretty selfish person I think. You have so much to deal with, the ups the downs, the Doctors, the Nurses, the hospital where you have lab work done, keeping up with medicines and all the changes that the chemo is making in your body. Your days are consumed with it all. Nothing distracts me from it. NOTHING.

And then there are people who don't know what to say or if you sound a little down or if you ARE a little down they give you a speech that you have to say positive and you should be thankful for this or for that. And then there are people you never hear from, almost like they are hiding from you during this time.

I understand that most people can't understand what you are going through unless they themselves are going through it. And those are the people that say "Oh buck up, you'll get through this just fine!" At the same time I don't want people to feel sorry for me and think I'm done for. It's just hard for people to know what to say or what to do. And I don't blame them. But I don't try and make myself feel better when I don't. And I take the good days for what they are and try and make the most of them.

I've noticed when I'm out and about with my hat or scarves on, some people won't even look me in the eye. These are people I know from town, just people that maybe were customers of mine or that I know from one place or another. It's really kind of funny in a way, as if they are afraid to acknowledge you, perhaps they might catch cancer or something.

I don't really know what point I'm trying to make here except these are just my observations.
I had an email from someone who says to me "Are you ok? Your tone has changed in your emails and I'm worried about you." Well, no, I'm not ok. Am I still fighting with every ounce of my being? Yes, I am but when you are sick, you are sick and I can't be cheery all the time. I can't be positive all the time and so even though I don't tell the whole story, how very sick I can get, how the chemo is taking away my iron, making my blood sugar high, took my hair, causing me not to want to eat because food taste like crap, turns my nails dark, causes me not to be able to even buy my own groceries or hardly get out of my house unless it is to another Dr. appointment or treatment, I am not giving up. But the truth is the truth and I can't sugar coat it or pretend to be ok, because NO, I'm not ok. But I will be. But not now.

Am I being selfish and thinking of nothing but what is going on with me? Yep, I am because it is all I know now. Am I happy that people are living their lives and going places and seeing things and having fun? Yes, I'm happy for them but am I envious? Yes, probably so. And I know that I will be able to do things again, and go places and think about other people, and find my passion in life again, and really care about something again. But right now, I can't .

These are my darkest days, these are the hardest days and I'm facing the treatments that the Dr. told me the first time I met him would be my hardest. That's what I have to look forward to and I'm scared and I'd rather not go through them. But I have no choice. I have the will to live, I'm only 51 years old. I pray that one day when they find a cure for this monster of a disease that the cure and treatment won't be worse than the disease itself. I wish nobody had to go through this. I wish little children didn't have to go through this. I can't imagine how a little child has to suffer through chemo.

So, I guess I just need to get it off my chest how I really feel. The warrior is still inside me, I am not planning on giving up, but am I ok? No, I'm not ok at this moment. I am sick. And I can't pretend for other people's comfort that I'm am not. Can anyone do anything at this point to help me? No, only I can help me and the Doctors that I have to put my faith in, although I sometimes think they are trying to kill me!

Am I ticked off that I have to deal with all this? YES! Do I question why this has to happen to me now? Of course I do. Am I going to kick Cancer's but? You bet! But am I ok now? NO, I'm not, nothing is right in my body and in my world. So please don't expect me to be positive and Miss Sunshine all the time, I can't. I find myself trying to protect the people around me from knowing how bad I can feel. I can't do that anymore, so if my emails have a different tone, I'm sorry. It is what it is and I have to face it the best way I can.

The truth is I am very selfish right now. And that's just how it is. And this too shall pass.

Just Checking In

I still didn't have the PET scan, could be I've developed Diabetes and so for the next few days as I'm tested and prodded and given something to get my sugar down to take a Pet Scan, I'm a little distracted. I'm ok, just another hurdle I guess.
I'll be back soon. And I'm hanging in there. Just need sometime to take it all in and deal with it.

Tuesday Ramblings

Well, Gustav was bad enough but it could have been a lot worse, so good for that. Now we have Hanna and Ike and even Josephine after that. They seem to be lined up like soldiers, these tropical storms, possibly hurricanes. It's a rough year for them.
Of course I'm very imformed about all of this because the TV is my constant companion these days. So I'm overdosed on politics and weather.
Tomorrow I will try again to have the PET scan. Hopefully it turns out a little better than next week and I actually have it. My mother is a diabetic and has a meter and I can check my blood sugar first so I'll know before hand if that is a problem. I feel pretty sure it has gone back to normal by now. The steroids I've stopped for over a week now.
And so that's about it for my world at the moment.
I've got cabin fever, but if I go out of this cabin I get sick. Go figure.
At any rate, it's my world for now and I'm not complaining.....MUCH!
Have a good day!

Sending prayers and thoughts to the people in the path of Gustav. Several of my blogger buddies will be affected by him and I'm hoping for them the best. It may be a while before we hear from them because loss of electricity will be a certainty. I am sending all my prayers. I wish for them to be safe and sound and will be listening out to hear from them on the other side.

It's Very True...

...I am quite stubborn. It is a characteristic I've had forever, no doubt was born with. I was in fact born under the sign of the Bull if you believe in that sort of a thing and over the years it has sometimes served me well, and sometimes gotten me into a lot of trouble.
I have also for years been very independent in that I was hurt a long time ago depending on someone and learned and was determined to never really "need" anyone ever again for anything.
And so with all that said, you will understand how very hard it is for me to actually have to ask anyone for anything now.
But you see, I know I am at the point with the therapy that I now know I will not defy all odds, that I will not go through this as if nothing is going on with me, as if I can still, at the least, go to town and get my own groceries. And it saddens me greatly. But I have come to terms with it yesterday.
Although, I feel pretty good at home, sitting lots, taking lots of naps, that doesn't mean I am feeling well enough to go grocery shopping. Even though last time around this time I did do just that and had no problems. But I was told, each time is worse and the recovery time slower. Even though I was told that this kind of fatigue was not the same kind of fatigue where you can just push yourself and get whatever done you need to get done DONE. Nope, doesn't work like that.
So, stubborn me, even though my mother offered to buy my groceries, I decided I felt good enough to do it myself yesterday. WRONG was I. I got it done, but I almost didn't make it. Several times I thought about deserting my cart and just coming home, but I needed those things, and I was so close. I barely finished, barely got them to my car, barely got them inside and put away. And now I know, I have to have help.
I've lost so much in the last few months and it kills me to give up any little bit of independence, but I have to push the BULL away and ask for help.
It's a work in progress but I'm learning. Even if I have to learn the hard way, which most of my life is the way I've learned. Nothing different here accept the stakes are higher and I've got to understand that. So lesson learned.
Happy Labor Day!
Love,
Robbin

Surviving

I'm stronger everyday and besides for a few digestive problems, I am feeling pretty well today.
My mind is a little dull however, have I mentioned Chemo Brain before? It's a real thing and I think I have it, so nothing too exciting today on my dull little brain, but I did want to at least check in and thank you all for checking on me as you do.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, it's a Holiday weekend, snuck up on me, I didn't realize Labor Day was this Monday. I'd love to be doing something fun. I can't think the last time I did anything fun. But I know it is in my future and I know, as sweet Shirley told me in a comment,
"I Will Survive". She decided it should be my theme song! And so it is.



“We are driven by five genetic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom, and fun.”
William Glasser

A Rough Few Days

I've had a rough few days but hopefully am on the mend. On Tuesday, my blood pressure decided to bottom out and my blood sugar level decided to go way up, causing me to be very sick. I couldn't get my Pet Scan, because of the blood sugar. All of this due to the steroids I have to take right after the treatements for the following four days.
So, needless to say, I've been sick.
But then again, what do I expect when the medicines they give me eat away at white and red cells, eat up my iron, makes my blood pressure and blood sugar levels nuts? It's part of it I guess.
But, I'm ok, hanging in there.
Take care you all,
Love,
Robbin

The Creation by Wintley Phipps (Reedited)

I have always love the poem by James W. Johnson called "The Creation".

I once heard James Earl Jones recite it and I searched for it on You Tube.

Instead I found it recited by someone named Wintley Phipps. His voice along with the pictures is quite moving.

Peeking my Head out a Bit

Since Friday I've pretty much been in seclusion, rolling with the waves and getting through the effects of this third treatment. With almost all the days filled with rains from Fay, it wasn't so bad. I slept off and on, I ate when I could and made yummy smoothies.

Today I will very caustiously peek out a little. For one thing I have to, the other thing is I am afraid to say I feel pretty good this morning. At this point it really goes from hour to hour so I never am too quick to say "I feel great" because it can change, but it's down hill from here on out until the next treatment.
I feel like I'm in bootcamp where they knock you down to nothing and then build you up to feel strong and ready to face whatever.

Today I have to go for a PET scan, it is the one the Dr. has ordered at the half way point to see if the Chemo is doing what it is suppose to do. I really won't know the results of it until I see the Dr. again on the 9th of Sept.
The test is late this afternoon at five thirty, which gives me a little more time to get ready and by this afternoon I should feel better than I do now, this early in the morning, and I don't feel that bad right now.
The deal is suppose to be that you have a treatment and then on the third day or so you start feeling bad and then after a few days, you start feeling better. In the past that has not really been the way with me, I usually feel worse the whole week after, but this time it might be doing what it normally does to most people. We shall see.
Either way, I'm glad to be done with the last few days. And I've survived! SO that's always a good thing.
And if I can eat today I've got to get it done by noon because of the test, I can't eat anything or drink anything after 12 noon. So, very carefully I'll peek out and go out into the big world today.
And so that's about all I know for now.
I'm hoping a good week for all of you.
Love,
Robbin

My Inspiration for Today

I've had a few rough days here but nothing I can't handle. My spirit is strong and wild and free and determined to get through each day to be where I want to be.
Just like a wild horse I have the strength and the determination to survive.

Circles

Well, here I am on my old schedule again of falling asleep at night around eight thirty and then waking up at four in the morning. I wake up several times during this time but manage to sleep again, but four o'clock in all I can manage and then I'm awake. Seems to be a part of the process here.

It has rained all night, and I suppose it will rain all day too but that's ok. We need the rain and I'm not planning to go anywhere.

When I'm feeling the worse, I wish to be alone, I don't want to venture out and I just do better on my own. I've always been like that when I don't feel good. I would just rather be left alone.

I'm not feeling that bad this morning. Just know that the Chemo is doing its thing and I'm trying to help it by eating when I can and drinking protein shakes when I can't. By not fighting it, and resting and just letting my mind rest for now. And that's a feat in itself, letting my mind rest. It wants to race ahead and leads me to thinking things I don't won't to think about right now. So I am practising thinking for the present . Not thinking too much at all.

I am just so thankful so far all of this has been manageable. It ain't always a bed of roses but I know it could be lots worse.

And so that's the way it is right now. We all are fighting our own battles and this happens to be mine right now. It doesn't take much looking around to see what things people have to endure and face that are so much worse than your own problems. But it doesn't take much either to look around while you're facing your problems and see what gifts the world offers and if you miss those, even the really simple things, then your problems will take over your world and you'll forget there are always blue skies that follow. It's the way of life. The circle of life.

"You have noticed that everything as Indian does is in a circle, and that is because the Power of the World always works in circles, and everything tries to be round..... The Sky is round, and I have heard that the earth is round like a ball, and so are all the stars. The wind, in its greatest power, whirls. Birds make their nest in circles, for theirs is the same religion as ours... Even the seasons form a great circle in their changing, and always come back again to where they were. The life of a man is a circle from childhood to childhood, and so it is in everything where power moves. "
-Black Elk, Oglala

Who Knew?

I've never really had strong fingernails. They'd break easy and I was never really able to grow long pretty nails. And then for some reason after my hysterectomy I grew the strongest prettiest nails you've ever seen. They had a good shape, they had white tips, they were beautiful for a few weeks and then Chemo entered my world.
Chemo can cause your nails to become brittle and to break easily so I was right back all of a sudden to normal but then I noticed those little moons you have at the beginning of your nails started turning dark. I had read where that might happen but it does go away after chemo, but here's the interesting thing I found out from the Dr. on Tuesday. It is mostly on my thumb nails but he says that for every treatment I get, I'll get another ring of darkness, like a tree has rings. You can count how many chemos I've had by the rings of darkness on my nails.
Very interesting to me. Very weird too. So there's your Chemo Trivia for the day.

Friday Ramblings

Tropical Storm Fay is headed our way, already is in our surrounding counties. South of us are in danger of flooding and high winds. Probably where I live just rain and probably some winds up to 20mph, but we could miss much of that. Still there will be tornado warnings and thunder storms here lasting until tomorrow they are predicting. SO that's all that is on our local news this morning.
I've decided to make my wonderful Chemo nurses bracelets but I wanted Swaraovski crystals which is the one thing I don't have enough of in my collection of beads, so I went shopping on EBay yesterday and ordered some beautiful ones and I'm anxious for them to get here.
Today with the rain I wish I could get into some of my books I have in line to read but concentrating on reading is just impossible for me and that ticks me off! I love to read, I've always read! I want to read! But I guess it's not to be right now.
So anyway, that's about all I know this early Friday morning. I feel still good. And I keep hoping maybe the side effects won't hit me so badly but it's only two days since my treatments and then I had the shot yesterday that can cause bone pain. But I'm not worrying about it for now. Taking feeling good and enjoying it for now.
Hoping you have a good Friday and a good weekend.
Love,
Robbin
P.S.
Wanted to share my emailed Inspirational quote today.

"We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only
fly by embracing one another."

-- Lucretius

A Little of This and That

Yesterday turned out to be a long day, but I am now completed with my third treatment. I have to go in this afternoon to get the shot that builds the white cells and then next week another pet scan.
I didn't leave the center until eight thirty last night. I went in at one but the Dr. has to be there before they can administer the medicine so he put us a little behind and then with the added bag of Iron he has put me on, that added time so it was a very long day to sit in a recliner and because of a positional problem with my port I am sort of limited as to how much I can move. And so needless to say I was exhausted and hungry! But after getting home and eating, I was ready for bed and I slept really good thank goodness. I'm up pretty early this morning but so far so good. None of the side effects usually show up until the weekend.
Someone has called to see about buying Jonathan's car. I am letting my mother handle this as she is good at this sort of thing and I don't really feel like dealing with it myself. It sounds promising, in his price range and he likes the way it looks. SO we shall see if that pans out.
I'm working on my coffee and fixing oatmeal for breakfast, sounds good and nourishing to me.
So I will see what today brings and onward we go. I am so thankful to wake up feeling pretty normal today with an appetite no less. I in fact am
And so I will stay focused on one day at a time.
My spirits are good, and I am happy to be doing so well right at this moment.
I hope you have a good day.
I'm going to play with my jewelry making stuff today and take it easy.

Somewhere over the Rainbow

I almost forgot to tell you that on the way home from my treatment yesterday my mom and I saw the most beautiful rainbow, one that goes from one end of the world to the other. My son is residing somewhere over that rainbow and I'm thinking just maybe he was able to send that to us to let us know all will be ok and he's pulling some strings for me. He knows how special rainbows are for me and our family because when my grandmother died his brother, Matthew was only a really little fellow, five or six and right after she died, we saw a rainbow and he said, "Look, Granny Jo is sending us a rainbow." And every since then we think of that when we see one. And.......now the both of them are sending them. At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Thank you my darling, I got the message loud and clear and I love and miss you and know you are ok somewhere over that rainbow!

One Day Down, One to Go

I saw the Dr. first thing yesterday. He greeted me with a big smile and sat beside me on the cot and said, "Well now, you look too good for someone who has such powerful drugs pumped into her body." He's such a sweetie pie and I love him even if he does keep adding medicine to my body.

My blood count was good but I have an iron deficiency. My iron was way low and I am of course anemic so he is giving me a drip today of something to help that, also a shot, and a RX of some heavy duty iron pills.

I am feeling good today, I slept well and almost to eight o'clock which is a very good thing.

Today I don't go in until one and I have the big drug where they hook me up to a heart monitor thingie and watch me closely for any allergies as this drug tends to do that to people. I did good with it last time so I'm hoping for no problems and it will be pretty late when I get done, probably around eight tonight.

Oh, and I almost forgot, I'm scheduled for another Pet Scan (pending insurance will approve it) for next Tuesday and we'll see if any progress is being made.

Everybody loved my earrings and couldn't believe I made them.

SO that's the plan for today. Thanks a million times over for all of your
support.

And now I'm off to fix breakfast. I am actually hungry. So I'm going to eat while I can. Nothing spicy and small portions. I understand that now.

Love,
Robbin

Ready for the Day

I had such a good day yesterday. I felt so good and I got something actually done productive. Got some housework done, took a little walk with Sweetie, had supper with my mom and stepfather. I got two special cards yesterday, one of them a singing one. I got a phone call from someone special. It was just an all around pleasant day and for that I am thankful.

I also had a very peaceful night, I slept good although I am up early, that seems to be a thing with me lately but that's ok.

Today I go for my third treatment. That means I'll be half way done. So the big thing now is deciding what to wear and what little hat to wear. My favorite hats to wear for treatments are made of cotton knit. I have two that tie in the back and they are my favorite ones. I have a pink one and a blue one made like that. They are the most comfortable ones to wear when I am having the treatment.

SO far my eyelashes and eyebrows are hanging in there. I've lost some of them but at least I have some.

But you know what? I've lost my nose hairs. Very weird. You never appreciate nose hairs until you don't have them.

I'm wearing my new Chandelier earrings I made last week.

I couldn't get a very good picture of them but you can get the idea there.
My appointment is at 10:45 and I'll be there all day. I'm usually done by six if things go ok. And then tomorrow I do it all over again with that other drug the Dr. added.
And so that's my story for today.
Hope your day is a good one.

I Am So Multi-Talented

At the moment I am competing in a cooking contest that takes me all over the world, right now I am in China competing against eight other cooks. I won the USA Championship already.



I also am running a ranch where I have cows, an ostrich, and acres of crops. I am quite successful in selling my crops. I have a bread making machine, a catsup machine and a jelly making machine using my grapes, my wheat, and my tomatoes. I have bee hives as well. I am making lots of money too.

Last week I played detective in San Francisco and solved a case where I had a serial killer on the lose, but don't worry, I apprehended him and he is in prison. And I was also in a poker tournament where I won over two million dollars and then lost it all just like that!



I also took care of a whole village of little people starting out with seven and populated it to over 90. I had to figure out how to feed them, keep water and fire for them going and keep them alive, while the whole time figuring out the secret of a lost city they had come to.



It's true, I am completely addicted to computer games. I always have been but now that I have all this time on my hands, it is a lot worse. But it keeps my mind occupied and in a weird sort of way, I feel like I am accomplishing something. And it is just plain challenging and fun. And keeps my mind busy.



For a while there I was addicted to what is called the seek and find games. Here's a shot of what one looks like.




There's a room full of stuff and a list of things you have to find. Not as easy as it sounds but fun and the graphics are amazing. This particular game I was a wedding planner.

So, at least while my life is on hold, I can virtually do whatever I want.

Hello There

I'm just coming in to say hi and to thank everyone for their well wishes and concerns and prayers and thoughts. I've had a good week. It's been cool enough that I could enjoy sitting outside in the late afternoons.
I've played with my beads and gemstones a little and made a few pieces of jewelry. I've eaten well and slept well since most of the Chemo is out of my body for the moment.

I have had time to reflect and put into perspective a few things and to get geared up for my next treatments coming this week. And I am ready. This will be my third one and if the Doctor doesn't change his plan, this will put me half way done. I know this is just a small little part of my life that I have to get through. I've accepted that I am a different person for a lot of different reasons but I'm not sure who that person is yet and I only hope the lessons I learn through all of this will make me a better person, more compassionate and not so quick to judge others and not blind to trials others face daily.
I have reached deep deep down and found renewed strength and faith that will carry me through this no matter how hard it gets. And I have found the peace inside that I lost there for a minute. I've calmed my spirit and I'm ready now to get on with this.

AND...........look what showed back up! My red cap that belonged to Jonathan. That made me very happy.

Taking a Blogging Break

Sunday Morning Haiku

Just before first light,

Morning and spirit inhale,

Simultaneously.

Identifying the Enemy

I've needed to rethink this dance thing I got going on with that C word. First of all, I have two partners here. They both start with C but one of them is suppose to be on MY side. I've lost sight of that a little.

And so, I take another look at my War Strategy, as I would think any good Warrior does from time to time. I need to work along beside Chemo against what could be Bad Cells, bunches of them ready to take over healthy cells. Me & Chemo, good guys. Cancer cells , bad guys.

Its just that it is hard to understand a battle partner who kicks you when you're down. One who is also destroying cells, even nice cells. It is hard to imagine this guy on your side when you never know how he is going to effect you from day to day, from hour to hour. I've in fact grown to hate this partner, to think of him as an always burning, sizzling, pot of witches brew, boiling over inside me. He constantly reminds me he's here, through what I eat, or don't eat, by the sight of me in the mirror, through the fogginess of my mind, and by taking away any sort of normal life that I knew of. He has in fact caused me not to trust my own body, not to even know it quite well at all.

And so with that said, I've got to re-think this. I do believe he is doing his job, very well. But I'm not so sure I am doing mine. It's not going to work if Mr. Chemo and I work against each other. I've got to recognize him as a "good thing". I've got to remember if he doesn't do his thing now, I could have big trouble with the real enemy down the road.

So, I'm working on getting a new visualization here. Chemo, a good guy, fighting, fighting, fighting and me, well I just keep on keeping on. It's the best I can do for now. And I'll buckle down for the four more treatments that will get only more intense.

So Let the Games Begin

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
Confucius

$$$$$? MY GOODNESS!

You guys shoulda warned me! The cost of groceries, are you kidding me?
It's been probably a month since I actually bought groceries, and I was needing stuff like toilet paper, paper towel, plus some food that I thought I might eat. AND so after being up for awhile this morning, I took off to town. It was before seven thirty and not too many people were shopping, it was cooler from the night's rain, it was now or never.

I CANNOT believe the cost of groceries. I'm making 60% of my salary but I spent money like I'm making 100%.

Now, the thing is, I hope I eat some of these things I bought that looked good to me. I still bought Ensure, sometimes that is all I can do, but it is so expensive even. So, I need to try to EAT real food.
I got lots of frozen veggies and stuff that won't go bad, but I did buy bananas and strawberries. I'm not suppose to eat anything I can't peel, but I had to have those berries, they looked yummy.
So, I got that done, got it all hauled in and all put away and now I'm beat, but still it feels good to have gotten that done. BUT MAN! I need to stay out of town. Spent too much MONEY!

Where is the Magic?

The big news today is that my Stepfather is actually getting to come home today! That's amazing to me that just three days ago he had a total hip replacement and today he gets to come home. He called me yesterday and was feeling pretty good, with a little pain. He is so popular that his friends and family are fighting over who has the best vehicle to bring him home in. I am so happy he had this done and he is going to be amazed at how good he is going to feel. My mom might even get him to clean out the barn that she fusses at all the time. We shall see how that goes.

As for me, yesterday was a much better day, I actually got some laundry done, I made supper and I even managed to give my car a drink of water, (I guess I ran the radiator dry sitting in it the other day while the power was off). So at least I felt like I accomplished something.

And so things go on. Sometimes it is hard to think that things will be better or that I will again be able to DO something, or GO somewhere or make plans. I had to also grieve a little this week as somehow I've not really had time to do that. And maybe it's a little hormonal as well as I cry at the silliest things. Still just typing that made me cry, I think I am a mess. I even grieved my uterus, how's that? Somehow losing my firstborn and my uterus at around the same time has some kind of significance, and I actually said that to someone who looked shocked! But it is how my mind is working. I grieve for both of them.

For a while there I lost my way but I am ok now, putting it back together and am searching for some of the magic I've always found in the world and in myself. I know it is still there somewhere!



I'm hoping you all have a good weekend full of fun and magic!
Love,
Robbin




Ho, ho, ho
It's magic you know
Never believe, it's not so
It's magic, you know
Never believe, it's not so

Never been awake
Never seen a day break
Leaning on my pillow in the morning
Lazy day in bed
Music in my head
Crazy music playing in the morning light

*Ho, ho, ho
It's magic you know
Never believe, it's not so
It's magic, you know
Never believe, it's not so

I love my sunny day
Dream of far away
Dreaming on my pillow in the morning
Never been awake
Never seen a day break
Leaning on my pillow in the morning light

Ho, ho, ho
It's magic, you know
Never believe it's not so
It's magic, you know
Never believe, it's not so

(PILOT, the band)

The Power that Wasn't!

Yesterday around five thirty we had a "brown out" where there was not enough power for the air conditioner, the lights went low and the TV moaned as it it were in pain. And then there was nothing. With the temperature at 100 degrees or more, it was not a good time to be without Air.

It has something to do with our Dam and all the usage of air condition.

Sweetie and I jumped in my car which was the only cool place I knew and sat there for awhile with the air on full speed and then we rode around a little and came back and sat. Finally almost two hours later, we had electricity back.

Supposively thunder showers will suround our area today bringing rain, some cool down and unfortunately heavy winds and bad lightening.

So, not sure what to expect today but less heat would be good.

I slept a lot yesterday, so was up early this morning and not feeling all that rested even with all that sleep.

It is what is is and I'll kept through it. I'm just ready to get through it!

And so the War continues but I am determined to win this battle, I'd say we're even right now, I got to get an edge on it today!

Hope you all have a good day.

Just me Dreamin' Again

I'm getting a little excited about the Olympics. Maybe because I'm stuck here or maybe because of the fact I'd love to go to China. OH, would I love to go to China!

I've Got Wanderlust this morning.

This is part of the Summer Palace.

What an exotic place! It was where the emperor spent his summers, and this is only a small part of it.

I can almost imagine the feeling of this place, smell the smells.

Feel the history.

Anyway, I'm dreaming of being in China this morning and seeing as many games as I can. But getting to tour a little too.

Time For a........

A lot can change in a life in a mere two years. When I started this blog in May of 2006, it was just a past time. It was just (and still is) mostly for my own entertainment. I'd kept a diary most of my life and with my love of the computer, it just became natural.

At first it spoke of my job, which was my life I guess. I spoke of struggles with my oldest son and wishing he could find happiness. For a year there I stressed over whether I should move to Washington. I spoke of stupid T.V. programs or an interesting customer or two. I dreamed sometimes of some material things or things I thought would make me happy. I wondered why my mother and I had to be so different and why she didn't "get" me.

People came and people went. Some people came and stayed (thank you). Mostly my blog turned into me, just talking to myself, my weird thoughts and dreams and hopes, just skipping through life not thinking anything "bad" could invade my life when all of a sudden this blog is about Chemo and side effects and traces of suicide and my pains and groans and me trying SO hard to get through this phase in my life.

I've learned a lot about me in the past few months and a lot about people in my life. I still go through the only "what ifs" concerning Jonathan. I still have to deal with selling his car, I've got it all clear and all I have to do is get it cleaned up and put a For Sale Sign on it, but although I am wanting to not have to look at it anymore, I hate to see it go.

This second Treatment is not as easy as the first one, and I knew it wouldn't be, and here a week later I'm still not feeling that great, but I'm hanging on. Life is just different. In a blink of an eye.

If I let my mind wander sometimes, I wonder what I did? Is this for something I did wrong? Am I being punished? But then I know that is not what I believe, and that is not how the world as I understand it works. But the thought enters my mind sometimes. And it is hard to push those thoughts back. But those thoughts only come when I am tired and when my spirit falters a little.

And so in the end, you go back to the things you do have and you are thankful. Thank goodness for medical insurance, thank goodness for a company that pays me disablility, thank God I have a son and daughter in law and granddaughter that I love and want to be with so much. Thank God I have friends and family who care. And for a successful Hip replacement surgery and a mother who at 70 is strong enough to handle so much right now. And so thankful I can be treated for this disease that could kill me!

And so that is the

the way Life is, and all I can do is the best I can do. I will be alright!
And so will YOU!

Have a good day everybody, the heat is bad here again, and I have to stay inside and stay as cool as possible. Chemo and heat not a good mix, this I know for sure. And that is my reality!

My Goodness, Finally!

Finally my Stepfather had surgery and the last I heard, at least the surgery went perfectly and he should even be able to drive in two weeks and go back to work if only to do the paperwork in that amount of time as well.

Of course, what we're hoping is that it will relieve him of the pain he's been in so badly for way too long.

Haven't heard from my mom since about midnight, but I am sure she is going to head home as soon as she can to get a shower and change clothes and get back over there. This hospital is about an hour away from us.

Thanks for caring. I'm up too early, will be back with a proper post later maybe.
Love,
Robbin

Still , We Wait

UPDATE: Finally in surgery for sure at 10:30 P.M.

My mother has been calling all day, my stepfather is still waiting for surgery and it is five thirty here. The Dr. put him last as it will be a long surgery, he's behind with scheduled surgeries and has had several emergencies in between. They say he will still have the surgery still today! Mom says he's next now, the last one on the board.
Poor guy, he's starving, and having to lie on his back for all these hours and well, HURRY and wait at the hospital is all part of it.
So, that's my update for now.
People are starting to call me, thinking I've forgotten to call them!
And that's all I know!

And I Suggested it!!!

This is just not ours, but very similar.I Had no time in my glutton state to have my own picture. Less meatballs, we had sauce.

I'm learning, ok? I'm new at this.

When my parents got home yesterday morning , they ate some eggs and biscuits and then took a nap, and I came back home.

My mom said she'd like to make a big pot of something, so that she'd have something to eat on this week while she is back and forth to the hospital with my stepfather being there all the rest of the week, so me , I suggest Spaghetti and it sounds good to me. So she decides she'll make it by scratch, which she's gotten really good at, and we'll eat early, say around five.

I tell her I'll be up around four thirty and do some garlic toast. Let me just tell you one thing here, Hot weather, (in which I was barely out of one house, in a car, out a car, and in a house, all of which were cool) home made spaghetti sauce, very spicy (dumb I know) and garlic bread, and whole wheat noodles, OH my god was it good and I ate too much, too fast! And I paid for it too. It gave me the worse indigestion among , ah, er, other things we won't discuss on my blog, but how stupid was I to eat that?

But man was it good! And I paid for it all afternoon but it was good. If it had been later in the day, it was still so hot here at five, if I'd only eaten a little lady like bit, I'd have been ok, so I can only blame myself but I was so hungry for it. And now I don't think I want anything ever to eat again.

But for the past few days, I'd chicken noodles, tuna fish and crackers, cottage cheese and fruit, I was ready to actually TASTE something ( and it just had to be this concoction that my mother makes and calls her "homemade" sauce. ) At some point I escaped quickly, jumped in my car and game home and felt that spaghetti making a point to me somewhere, somehow it was going to stay with me for a while. My gums burned, I felt steam coming from the nose, my through felt pure lava coming down. I deserved this. And so the spaghetti sauce was a bad companion with me last night and I swear if It felt like I sweat basil!

And was worth it, as I sat there burpi____ng that spice (WHAT iS THAT SPICE? I think she uses a secret ingredient that isn't even suppose to go in Spaghetti sauce!) But it was so good. But ok, I get it, hot weather, chemo, spicy food, (lots of it) does not MIX!

Lesson learned!

So chalk it up to experience that is so new and different to me right now. My body is not the one I know, my mind is not the one I've known, I'm living a strange new way here, on an unknown journey! Just remind me, keep it cool with the spicy food and eat a normal amount if I want to live through this.

At least I had a little action in my life today. Today I am the phone person, as soon I get word John is out of surgery I have a whole list of people to call for them. And I will try to stay out of the spaghetti pot and eat nuts and fruits and cottage cheese and maybe, just a tiny bit of spaghetti for supper. We'll see. (ok, maybe not).

Have a good day!

A Little Wild Spirit Appearing!

Ok, since I'm pretty relieved that the surgery thing will go on for my stepfather tomorrow, I feel much better, and in fact so much better, Sweetie and I walked down to the mailbox to mail a letter, and I got in my car on this old country road I live on and rolled my windows down and flew down the road a little. I shouldn't be wasting gas at the price of it, but the freedom was wonderful and I needed that little adventure.
And I just got a call saying my parents are on their way home, from my Stepfather himself, so I think I'll go up there and see if I can maybe fix some lunch for them or something useful.
So, I'm off to live my day. Have a good day to all of you.
Report back later.
Love,
Robbin

If It Weren't for Bad Luck, We'd Have no Luck at All!

UPDATE: Just heard from my Mom and the Cath is in, so surgery goes on for tomorrow. Thank Goodness!


My stepfather is scheduled for hip replacement surgery tomorrow but we are holding our breaths today to make sure that it can happen and won't be delayed. When he was in his twenties he had an accident where he was pretty much crushed from his waist down which is why he is needing this replacement now, but during pre- surgery tests it was discovered there was some scar tissue that might prevent a catheter from being put in. This morning the Urologist is doing a scope and attempting to to do it himself. If he is successful, the surgery will go on as planned for in the morning, if not it will have to be delayed until he can have his Urethra fixed again.

The surgery was originally scheduled for the 22nd of July but his surgeon had a motorcycle accident and broke both wrists. SO we are so hoping it will happen this time.

I should know something around ten or so, I am so wishing I could be there for them but I am to stay out of the hospital unless it is for me. I swear, seems like my family is falling apart here.

As for me, I am awake early but did get a good night's sleep and I am feeling better than yesterday. My nurse called and said it all sounded normal but if it wasn't better today to call her. She says the sore throat is from the Chemo, must be going to be a big side effect for me and that the bone pain in my feet was from the Shot to build cells but that yesterday, and maybe today also should be the worse of it. If not, Call. Take my temperature every few hours, do what I feel like doing, don't do what I don't feel like doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beginning to sound like a broken record around here.

So we'll see how it goes today and I am just praying and hoping my Step Father will be able to have his surgery, he is in so much pain and can't go on much longer without this new hip. My mother feels overwhelmed by my illness and now this but she is strong, thank goodness. Not so sure why all things have to happen to us at one time around here but we are hanging in as best we can and know there are better days to come. I hope!

The Madonna Lily Blooms in all her Glory

I didn't feel that great yesterday but before I got to feeling too badly I did get up to my Mom's to see this beauty. She is so delicate and white, there is not much color and it was around noon and the light was not the best but still I thought you could see her beauty.

I am finding the third and forth days are usually the worse after my treatments. Nothing too bad, just didn't feel good. Sleep was hard to keep, I woke up off and on all night and decided to just stay up this last time at around five but I got time for naps. The most aggravating thing for me right at this moment is I feel like there is a film over my throat and it bugs me. There is a chance of getting mouth sore and such but I don't think this is what this is. I am having hot Ginger tea and it soothes it a bunch.

Anyway, I'm hoping you have a good Sunday. I'm laying low today. But I'm ok.

Just a Bit of Appreciation

I continue to get cards from my co-workers and managers, and they make my day. Just a few days ago I got a really special card from one of my employees, (thanks Vicki) with the sweetest most inspirational hand written note.

I also got a hand written note, addressed by herself, in her beautiful seven year old handwriting from Haleigh that told me and I quote:

"You are the best Grandma in the hole wide universe including all the other planets."

It included a picture of me with a hat on with flowers on it and her standing beside me. How's that for a pick me up?? I'm going to write her back, my art work will not be quite as good as her's though.

Yesterday I had phone calls from family members, a cousin, both my aunts, and my very good Warrior friend.

And even some of you guys here, who I know were busy with your own weekend plans and families took the time to check on me.

How Great is that? It's good to have a support team, I don't know how you'd get through this without it, but just so those of you who read this know, I do so appreciate it, every word, every thought, every card.

While it seems the world goes on around me, without me, how amazing people care enough to take out the time to remember me, and for that I am forever grateful.

Good Morning

Well, finally after searching all last night, this morning I googled and found out the problem with Explorer and my blog was a site meter I had on it. They updated but something didn't jive with blogger and Internet Explorer, so that fixed that! Thank goodness.
Now, I've got to redo my blog like I want it, but I was ready for a change anyway and I will work on it today.
I am feeling ok, a little I guess what they say "bone" pain in my ankles. I was expecting it in my legs or arms because she said big bones, and I guess my ankles are big bones! Not bad at all, just know it there.
Nothing much going on today, just me doing what I do mostly, nothing much useful except taking care of me, and that's what I need to do.

Explorer won't let my blog load!

I can't load my blog on Internet Explorer, chances are you can't either. It loads on Fox and I'm using that at the moment but it bothers me and I've tried everything I know to fix it, changing my template, getting rid of some things that I thought might me causing it, but so far no luck.
Anyway, I'm still working on it.
I have no clue what is causing it, but I don't like it!

Inspirational Quote for Today

"The human race has only one really effective weapon, and that's laughter. The moment it arises, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations and resentments slip away, and asunny spirit takes their place."-- Mark Twain

No matter our trials or moods or pain today let's take Mark Twain's advice today and find something funny to laugh at, really laugh, deep bellied, tickled pink, so silly it makes you pee in your pants funny! Even if it at our own selves!

Closing up a Life and the Mystery of the Red Cap

Today I have to deal with finishing up Jonathan's life at least the one he left here on this earth. It took a long time to get the death certificates and finally they came yesterday. This means I can now get his car in my name. After that I have to get a tag and temporary insurance and get it cleaned up and try and sell it.
That money goes to the funeral home.

I hope we can sell it. It's an older car, 1999 Grandam but in good condition and I hope it will sell fast, I can hardly bare to look at it much longer. He loved his car. I loaned him the money to get it a few years back (loaned meaning I knew I'd never get paid back and I didn't care but I pushed him to try for his on own since of worth but of course he didn't. He made two payments but then things got rough for him and then he'd avoid me because he felt guilty and then I'd call him and tell him it was ok. My poor Jonathan. How hard his struggle was here and how helpless he felt at the end and it breaks my heart to the core.

But, I got to get this taken care of which means facing the truth that he is really and truly gone.
Although I think he is messing with me! He had a Red Baseball Cap from one of the jobs he'd held down last summer and I'd been wearing it around here to cover my bald head, I liked it mostly because it was his. Although my hair is short short short and very thin, I'm shedding so I figured he got mad I was messing up his red hat and he's hid it from me, I can't find that hat anywhere!!! Maybe when I'm done shedding it will show back up!
And so that's my day today, and I'm feeling pretty good. Going to do this early so as to not get in that heat.
Good Day to all of you.