An Odd Dream

I dreamed the other night that I woke up and TADA! Hair! Only thing is it sort of looked like Suri Cruise's hair, only lopsided, longer on one side and the bangs really uneven but I was so proud to have hair, it didn't phase me. Crazy dreams!
I do have some hair, single little sprouts, about an eighth of an inch long and so far no bottom lashes. But it has only been six weeks since the last chemo and most of what I've read says two to four months before enough grows back to really see.
It's my day to close at work so that means I go in at twelve thirty and get off at eight thirty but I'm up very early, and the regular Tuesday conference call has been put off until tomorrow. It is cold this morning but I'm thinking toward the end of the week it will warm up.
And that's about all I know this morning. Coffee's ready and calling my name.
Hope your Tuesday is a good one.

No Monday Morning Blues Here

Well, the rain is gone and Cold is back, brrr! In our store you never know what will be pouring in through the vents, heat at full speed or A/C. Doesn't seem to matter what the temperature is. We've been told, and I'm not sure how true it is that the heat and cool is controlled in Arkansas which is where Walmart's main office is. We have no thermostat in our office, so who knows! I'll layer.
Yesterday my five hours were long, I didn't have too many customers and I got all my paperwork done and then I worked on a training I'm behind in. But the hours went by very slowly, but it was a nice day. After work my mother called and invited me for a bowl of vegetable soup and after that, so tired was I, I came home and soon went to sleep.
Now that the Contact Lens sale is over, the company will focus on people who have insurance and flex accounts, reminding them by automated calls and post cards that it's close to the end of the year and if they don't use their plans they'll lose them.
I just heard my coffee pot make that last big puff so I'm going to get my first cup and listen to the news and then I'll get ready to start my day. Smiling, and so glad I'm able to.

Last Minute Customers and a Difficult Christmas Tree

We were pretty busy yesterday, it was the last day of the big contact lens sale and of course we had people who waited until the very last minute and so even though we closed at six, and everyone else had left me by five, I got stuck with a few people and didn't really close until six thirty or so, but that was ok, I didn't have a hot date or anything to get to.
At some point we've got to decorate for Christmas and so Steph and I at least put the tree up. We have one of those that you buy that already has lights on it and we fought with it because half the lights were out. We finally got all of them to come on except the top third of the tree and we ended up having to change out every little bulb. IT was a pain but it is up. The girls will decorate it the rest of the way Monday, I hope.
I have to work today, but it is only a five hour day and it is the end of the month so I have paperwork to do, so I'll be busy, even without too many customers.
Next week I have to go get one more blood test for the blood thinner and then I only have to take it a few more weeks and I'm off of that and also Thursday is the day I go see the Radiologist to see what decision they came up with for me.
It would be nice not to have to see anymore Dr's for a long time but we shall find out. I'm ok with whichever way we go. And that is a good place to be.
In the meantime, I am feeling fine and that is a very good thing. Happy Sunday to you all,
Love,
Robbin

Rain & More Rain

I'm not complaining about the rain though, I like rain and we always need it. It was rainy all day yesterday and looks like it will be that way today too. Working seems to have cured my waking up at four thirty in the morning. I slept until seven thirty this morning but I don't go in today until ten thirty so I'm ok.
We had a pleasant day at work, the big store was busy but we stayed pretty busy as well and although we are a little behind our budget, I am pleased we've done as well as we have in this economy.
After work I stopped by for left overs for supper up at my Mom's and I hardly remember anything after that, I came home and not too long afterwards went to bed.
Back in July when we had the Family Reunion here, one of my cousins came up with the idea of having just a "Cousin's" reunion. She and her husband live up in the Georgia Mountains and are care takers of a group of cabins and they can have people stay there if the family that owns them aren't using them. I figured she was just wishing and talking about it but it looks like she is really planning it and since I am planning on moving miles away in the Spring she wants to do it before I move.
I'm not much on reunions but this would be different, just us cousins who've always loved each other but never gotten to spend much time with each other since we've been grown, so if it happens I think I'd love it.
And so, that's about all I know for now.
Have a good day!
Love,
Robbin

Friday Ramblings

I got coffee brewing and I'm ready for a cup. Because the Walmart Store has all those early bird specials, our company thinks the Vision Center should open early to maybe attract some of those customers. Of course it has been our experience that those people are not interested in glasses that early and so usually it is a waste of time. Our District manager kind of left it up to us this year and so I decided to go in alone and open at eight instead of nine, and maybe I'll sell something but I doubt it. Some of the stores will open at seven, but I don't see the point in that.

We had a pleasant day of Thanks yesterday. Ate too much, but the food was very good of course and then a nice nap and I watched a movie and then we ate again.

This morning it is raining and the frigid cold is gone for the moment. One of my biggest problems lately is staying warm. Even at work I freeze to death when everyone else is either comfortable or hot. My body temperature seems to be way off.

I think I work straight through everyday until Wednesday now, and that's good, I am feeling good and stronger everyday. The better I feel the more I hope they don't do the radiation. But then again I want every chance I can get for the disease not to come back. At any rate I'll find out on Thursday.

And so I must get my day started. Hope your day is a good one.

Wishing all of you a Very happy Thanksgiving. I have lots to be thankful for this year. I am thankful for my family, I am thankful I had a son in my life for thirty years that was a complicated, loving, talented gift to me. I am thankful for his brother Matthew and hope we will soon be together and I am thankful he wants that also. I am thankful that I am Cancer Free, and I am thankful to live in a Free and Beautiful country. I am thankful for my job. I am thankful also for all my blogger friends. Hoping you all the best wishes and the happiest of Turkey Day.

Back to Work I GO

Not sure if it was all the excitement from going back to work or if I just had an off day but I felt lousy all day yesterday. At least it was my day off and so I just didn't do too much and this morning I woke up feeling fine again. Maybe just one of those days.
Anyhow....today it is back to work and I'm ready. We have a Big Contact Lens Sale twice a year and today starts that, so we're all there. It is cold this morning and I'm waiting anxiously for my coffee to get ready.
Our Thanksgiving will be just us, my parents and myself but my mother was trying to figure out the menu and was going shopping late last night to avoid the crowds.
The economy may be bad and we may all be watching our spending but most of us are going to eat for sure. I wish every American Family would have a nice warm meal tomorrow but I know not everyone will.
And so, I've got to get my day started and I hope for you all a good day and a Very Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow.
Love,
Robbin

Flowers I got Yesterday

The ones on the left are from my girls at work, they had them waiting for me on my desk. The ones on the right came from Matthew, Amy, & Haleigh and were delivered to me. And then when I got home, Roses from my special Warrior, thank you my Warrior Friend.

A Good First Day

I had a great day yesterday. The girls at work went all out to make sure I felt welcomed back. I've got a conference call this morning, if fact in a few minutes but I've got pictures to post and things to tell you about what they did and so I'll be back to do that.
I am off today, after the conference call at least.
I was very tired by the time I got home, really only hit me when I finally sat down, but it was a good kind of tired.
Be back soon!
Love,
Robbin

Off to Work I Go, YAY!

Ok, today's the day. I hope I remember how to log on to our computer. I hope I remember how to sell glasses and talk to customers about what they need. I hope I remember how to deal with insurance. I hope my head covering doesn't fall off. Work has been so far from my mind for so long, I hope it all comes back to me.

I am up early, as usual, and I don't have to be at work until eight forty five. I thought I'd try to sleep at least until seven but at five thirty I was wide awake. I work today and am off tomorrow and am off on Thanksgiving and I work the rest of the week.

I am feeling quite well, really strong but I know being on my feet all day will be a challenge. I can sit if I need to, and if we are busy, we are up and down and then I have a tiny little office I can escape to if I have to. But I have a feeling I am going to be fine. I am so excited to get back out there and so very thankful I am able to.

Hoping whatever you do today will be a good one.

Love,

Robbin

We are What we Eat

I've researched a lot about certain food that may or may not help the body fight off cancer. According to this site these are the top ten Cancer fighing foods.

1. Tomatoes
2. Broccoli Sprouts
3. Berries
4. Soybeans
5. Tea
6. Pumpkin
7. Spinach
8. Garlic
9. Pineapples
10. Apples

The Road Ahead

As excited as I am to go back to work, I am surprised that I am also nervous. My stomach is churning and I have that anxious feeling and it finally occurred to me it has to be all about tomorrow.
It was weird to go back after being out for six weeks when I had surgery, but this time it has been 4 and a half months. That's a long time!
As I look down the road ahead of me, it is my plans to be able to move to Washington in the Spring. I am told the people at work, (because they know I've wanted to do this for a long time, and spent a year trying to decide if it was the right move for me)thought I'd just not come back to work here, but it is not that simple. I've got to have a job lined up, I've got to be able to pack stuff up, it has to be a time when Matthew can come help me and get me. My boss is aware of my plans and she will help me however she can as far as a transfer. My mother, knows my plans, although I don't think she really believes I am going to. She doesn't understand my son WANTS me there. And of course after all I've been through and having her to go through it with me, it throws me back into that mode of feeling guilty for leaving her. But like Matthew says, when she and my stepfather needs us, we can come back, I am not deserting her. It will be hard, but I'm not going to doubt again what I want.
Some people say having Cancer was the best thing that happened to them. I'm not at that point. I am very thankful that I responded to that nasty Chemo, and I have realized in a double way, dealing with my son's suicide and my disease, how precious life is, and how you can be sailing along in life and POOF! Everything changes.
So, as I take my first step onto this road ahead of me, I am going to try and live the best I can, and we will see where it leads.
Hope you have a good Sunday,
Love,
Robbin

Feeling So Good

It is, and I don't know why really, amazing to me how I get stronger and stronger everyday. That is a good thing, and my body is on hardly any medication anymore, and no more poison so it makes sense, and I've been poked and prodded so much that at least I know I'm pretty healthy and so I can take that and run with it.
I've finished my six bracelets and got them boxed and ready to deliver. And I'm reading a book by Lance Armstrong called "It's Not About the Bike, My Journey Back to Life", which is pretty amazing. I didn't think I'd care for it because I figured he talked a lot about cycling and he does, but it is interesting.
It is still cold here in Georgia, and suppose to be really really cold tonight.
And the Radiologist called me today and he is leaning toward me NOT having radiation....but as I've learned with this ordeal, don't believe anything the first time you hear it. My case has to be presented to the Cancer Board of the hospital and though he thought they'd agree with him, I am ok either way. That board of Dr.'s are a lot smarter than me on the subject and so I'll find out on Dec. 4th when I have an appointment with him.
Other than all that, I've had a pretty uneventful day. This is the last few days of me staying at home and I can't tell you how glad I am to be going back to work, even if I am bald! BIG DEAL! I'm alive!!

A Nice Day

I've had a really good day. I met Steph for lunch, and even though she took a long lunch, still wasn't enough time to catch up on things, we're behind four months really.
And then I had to buy groceries, which isn't my favorite thing, and then I came home to see my supplies for the bracelets are here, so I made three of the six and then my Aunt called and I promised her one (I'm nutty). Anyway, my legs are a little wobbly but I tested my strength today and I think I'll be fine for work on Monday. I still have heard nothing else about radiation. Not sure that is a good sign or a bad one. Anyway, it is going to be a good thing for me to get back out in the world. I am sooooo ready.
I hope your day was a good one.
Love,
Robbin

AND ONE MORE THING......

My friend and fellow warrior, Tammy, did a post on me yesterday that featured this beautiful Angel of Courage and although I can't believe someone as courageous as she gives me so much credit, I did want you to visit and read it and the poem she wrote. It is just beautiful and I am honored to have her as a friend. Thank you Tammy with all my heart. I'll never forget the day you emailed me and told me I had to be a WARRIOR. And after reading your blog, I knew you knew what you were talking about. You truly live the life of a Warrior everyday and have done so for a long time.
Ok, this is my 4th post for today and I'm done. (Maybe)

My Cousin

I have a cousin, Chad in Iraq. He is special to me, one reason being when Jonathan died, he called me from Iraq. It meant so much to me to hear from him at that time. Anyway, his wife sent out this picture the other day of him meeting a former President and I think that was way cool. So I wanted to share it.

More About My Yesterday

I was so very nervous yesterday when I got to the Dr.'s office that my heart rate was off the charts. So much so that the nurse didn't trust the machine and took it with her hand and it was beating like a drum playing Wipe Out. I told her I was very nervous and anxious. She made sure I didn't have dizziness or shortness of breath, which I assured her I didn't. I was just plain scared to death!
When I saw the Dr. he took his sweet time telling me. He was really jolly though and I thought surely if he had bad news he wouldn't be so happy, but you never know about Dr.'s. They are indeed strange creatures for sure. He said, "Now you've only had five treatments?" And I said, "NO! I'm done with the treatments, I've had all six." He says, as he searches his notes, "Well, I just don't see where I recorded that." I was getting a little impatient with him so I said, "You're suppose to have a CT scan. HE says, "Oh, that I do have." And he still is searching his notes. I sit there, my heart I think is simply going to jump right our of my chest. Finally he says, "The CT scan looks wonderful, you are completely Cancer Free!"
At first I thought surely I did not hear him correctly, so I was silent for a minute and then I just burst into tears and told him I loved him, lol. He told me he loved me too. I don't have to see him again until three months.
We discussed Radiation. He's never seemed to be real keen it seems to me on the radiation if I responded so well to the Chemo but he has to refer me back now to the Radiologist that referred me to him and he says that since I'm only 51 and could possibly have 20 or 30 more years to live, they would want to do any preventative measures to keep it from reoccurring and you know that is what anyone with Cancer always fears. So, I still don't know if they are going to do that or not, they are trying to figure it out and maybe I will hear soon.
Radiation will not be a party, I know and it has its own side effects, and I will have to work while I do it. Radiation is usually every day of the week for five or six weeks. But I will do it if they think I need to. After these last four months I feel like I can do this one last thing. SO we shall see.
I am looking forward to going back to work this coming Monday. I am having lunch Thursday with Steph, my best friend and my assistant manger at work. She got left with it all and has worked hard and I appreciate her keeping things going so much. She has done a good job but I know she is tired and has missed many days off. Somehow I need to make that up to her.
I'll end my rambling for now. I hope you are having a good week. I got to start thinking about moving. I'm getting closer and closer to being where I want to be and I'm over the moon!
Love,
Robbin

THE Marie Antoinette Award

I woke up this morning to find a blog award to me from Linda over at Vulture Peak Muse . It is an award for speaking your truth with sincerity and integrity and Linda awarded it to me for speaking the truth of my cancer journey. Thank you Linda! I am honored and I hope if someone else faces this battle and they search for others like I did, they will land here and know they can get through it, even dealing with other problems as well. I too seem to choose blogs of people who are honest and truthful about their lives and I think all on my blog list do that as well.

Linda is a talented artist and if you've not ever visited, please do. She faces challenges as well and shares all of it with truth and her honest feelings, and her heart is big as Texas. She has never failed to encourage me and share her feelings and thoughts with me. Thank you Linda.

I'm not going to award it to any one person, but if you'd like it or like to share it with someone you know, please do.

I'm sorry.........

.......to be so late in getting back to you. I've spent the afternoon with my mother and also making calls. I've got two words to share with you all.

CANCER FREE

Those are the words that belong to me! I am so happy, so glad, and so very thankful. Thankful to God, and to all of you who've been on this journey with me. How can I ever thank you? Some days your words are what got me through. It is still up in the air about radiation, the two Dr.'s have to discuss it but that's ok. I am going to be ok. And at last I can move forward.

I'll tell you more tomorrow, for now I'm just going to enjoy knowing that that Chemo did what it was suppose to.

Thank you again, all of you so much,

Love,

Robbin

Ok, today's the day and I'm a nervous wreck. My appointment is at ten, but you know how that goes, I probably won't get in to see him until an hour past that. All I can do is hope that Chemo did its job and we'll see where we go from here. I'll post this afternoon. MY mother is going with me and she has plans to go shopping at Walgreen's when we get done, she's clipped coupons and I have a $25 dollar certificate there because I transferred a Rx from Walmart, only because Walmart didn't have the drug I needed. So, I gave it to her, so we'll see how that goes.

So, wish me luck and I'll be back.

Cold Monday Morn

I slept this morning until almost 7:30 which is a record for me. I got my coffee brewing and it is in the 30's here this morning. Wednesday morning will be in the 20's! But I'm warm and snuggly inside and so I don't care.
Since I'm going back to work a week from today, this week I'm going to try and take a walk every afternoon and test my strength out. I will however wait until this afternoon when it is a little warmer. Sweetie has gotten fat! Although I can let her out alone out here in the country and trust her not to go to the road, she never wants to stay out long and so a walk will do her good as well.
Tomorrow I see the Dr. for the results of the CT scan. I'm a little nervous. I never trust them because it has been my experience they'll tell you everything looks good and then all of a sudden it doesn't. Well, that happened once and it scares me.
Anyway, I have the faith that it is going to be good news. I expect they'll want me to do radiation but please, please, no more chemo. It is what I fear the most.
But I'm thinking positive for good news and so we shall see.
I finished Edgar Sawtelle and it was a good book. A very different book, but one that caught me and held me and the characters are still with me. At least Edgar is. I especially loved the way the author talked of the dogs. That's about all I can say without giving anything away but it was a book worth reading for sure and I'm glad I did.
Other than that my weekend was quite.
And so another week has started and we are closer to me getting back out into the world. I think that will help me more than anything I could do. Living alone through this, there have been times when I've felt so isolated and alone. I'm a loner anyway but this time has been way more than even I've ever wanted.
I hope your week is a good one.
Love,
Robbin

A Special Gift

Remember when my friend Tammy did the walk for ALS? Well, she wore this band during her walk and guess what? She sent it to me. I don't think she realizes how special it is for me to have it. It says "Never Give UP" and I am so proud and honored to have it. So thank you Tammy. I love you and if I ever knew anyone who Never Gives Up, it is you. You are my inspiration for sure.

Just Me, YADA YADA YADA

Today is one of those days I think that start off at a warm temperature and gets colder as the day goes on. It is dark and rainy this morning but by in the morning it is suppose to be cold. And cold all week. I'm not sure how cold but down here if it gets below 50 degrees, we are COLD!
It is my company's policy that once you go on long term disability and you're on it for thirty days they can terminate you. I had read this in the policy book before I left work and I didn't know exactly if that meant you'd really get terminated or what. Yesterday I spoke with my boss and guess what? They really mean it. She got an email from the girl in HR and it told her to please send in my termination paperwork. My boss was shocked and not aware of this policy and so she called her and said NO! I don't want this person terminated and so the HR woman told her she'd have to get it approved from a company exec and so thank goodness she did. I was very appreciative because if I lost my job, I'd lose my insurance and oh brother! Can't even think about that without shaking.
SO, that was a relief and I am grateful to have a boss who stood up for me. She is the district manager but she was a manager when I came to work for the company and she originally hired me, so we go way back.
I am planning to go back to work in nine days and I'm excited about it. Regardless of whatever the DR. says on Tuesday, I'm going back to work. And I am so ready. I'm on straight salary but my boss told me if I can't start back full time they can pay me hourly and I told her I wanted to try and start off full time, we'll see how it goes. If I have to have radiation I can still work but I may have to goo hourly if that happens.
SO anyway, this morning I am grateful for my boss and for the company I work for and to God for not letting me lose my job.
My friend over at Rapunzel's Castle mother is fighting Lung Cancer (please add her to your prayers) and on her sidebar she has this which I'd like to share because it is so true.

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit.
~Anonymous

What I Know For Sure

Becca wrote a post inspired by an article in Oprah's magazine where you think about what you know for sure. She posed the question on her blog as well as her list. I read that article too and here's my list.

I know that life is not fair and can change in a heartbeat.

I know that you can't control other people but you can control yourself.

I know that you can live with a broken heart but it is hard.

I know that most people honestly care, even the ones you maybe think don't.

I know that good things come out of bad things sometimes.

I know that you have two choices when you face adversity, you give up or you fight like a warrior .

I know that you can love people you've never met face to face.

I know that life is a gift and we are here to help each other.

I know how strong my spirit is and that there is devine intervention that keeps me going.

I know that being a Grandma is the best feeling in the world.

What do you know for sure?

I'm Up Really Early This Morning...

....and having Hazelnut coffee and you know how you get it in your mind that it is a certain day of the week but it really isn't? I keep thinking today is Saturday and I have to keep reminding myself that it is not. Not that it matters that much to me at the moment. All my days seem to be the same.
Today we have bad weather predicted, bad storms and tornado warnings. I don't mind so much, well, I don't want a tornado but I like the rain. Especially if I can stay home, which is what I do most of the time anyway.
I keep checking my head to see if I can spot some hair growth. So far not anything. I have a little fuzz in some places, but nothing else. I am ready to see something growing there!
I can't start on my bracelets until my materials come in but I may work on making some pieces today. Usually I make up some this time of the year and make a little extra money selling it for Christmas gifts. Actually my mother does a better job at selling it than me.
Oh and yesterday I got two cards from customers of mine. Very sweet that they miss me and care enough to send me cards. A few weeks ago I go one from another one too, an elderly lady that is a favorite of mine.
And so that is about all I know for the moment. I'm still into my book and so reading and jewelry making and my computer will keep me occupied today. I hope your day is a good one.
Love,
Robbin

A Lazy Rainy Day

I'm all done with the CT scan and it is a dreary, cloudy, misting day. Perfect day to curl up with a book. At last I'm able to read, I couldn't for the longest. And it so happens I'm into a really good one too. I'm mostly a sucker for Oprah's picks and although I don't buy all of them, she was so excited about this one I just figured I had to have it. So far it is very good, has me captured. It is also the author's first book and it is my experience that the first book an author writes it usually the best. Not always, but most of the time.
So, I am going to lose myself today in this lovely book and take it easy. I'm not feeling as good as I have, nothing big, just tired and my legs ache. Hope you all have a good day.

A Good Day At Last

So far this week has been really nice. On Monday I got another package from the girls at the store that have sent me little care packages from time to time. This time I got the cutest Christmas pins (two of them) and 3 pair of Christmas earrings. And as always a funny card that makes me smile. I also finally had a long phone call from one of my most favorite people, Tammy who showed up here just when I needed her. She's my inspiration for sure and she and I both had a bad week last week and didn't get to talk. So that always cheers me.
Yesterday my blood work was good so I don't have to change the dose of the blood thinner I'm taking and she said if it stayed good next week I wouldn't have to have blood work every single week, they could spread it out. That is very good news because I cannot tell you how tired I am of being stuck!
And, yesterday afternoon my Nurse called me and told me she had a lady there that saw the bracelets I'd made them and she wanted to know if I'd make her three of them except with a breast cancer ribbon. She caught me off guard a little and I really quoted a price that is way too low, barely pays for my materials, but that is ok, and then she called back and said the lady wanted two more, and then she called back and said she wanted one more, so six all together. WOW! I got work to do now. I have all I need except the ribbons so I had to order them. But I was so excited that someone actually wanted them! So that made me happy.
I also got some Christmas shopping online done. I've always wanted to give my granddaughter the world so I bought her a globe. So all in all, I had a very good day. We'll see how today goes and not think about tomorrow morning when I have two big old jugs of that chalky stuff to drink for my CT scan, YUCK! But then I remind myself that this would have been the week I would have had Chemo so the chalky stuff is really NOTHING! Have a good day!

SOME GAVE ALL

Don't forget to take some time out of the day to honor our Vets. I am so grateful for these brave men and women who keep us and our country safe. For the ones who gave their lives, for the ones who made it back, for the ones who are fighting at this very moment, I am so proud of them and for their families who sacrafice so much. Thank you!

Back to Myself

So sorry I've been absent from the blogging world for awhile. The good news is I worked my way out of the darkness of depression and to test my body out I ventured to the grocery store early Sunday morning and shopped and brought my groceries in and put them away and was not at all worn out. That made me happy. Very happy. It is hard to judge just how strong I am here at home but that outing which was so different from a few months back when I last tried was great and gave me even more energy.
And so maybe the chemo is not going to leave me with any lasting effects which I've feared for sometime now.
This week I get the scan on Thursday but I won't see the Dr until next Tuesday. So I have that to look for.
I have to go out this morning for blood work since I'm still on the blood thinner. I have to stay on that for three months, well, actually only two more months now. And I'm looking forward to returning to work on the 24th of this month.
But thank goodness the depression left me and I once again feel hope for whatever happens.
It is cold here in the mornings and I can't seem to stay warm. But it warms up nicely during the day.
I got a jewelry catalog yesterday and there was a necklace in it that had a quote I liked and think it will be my new mantra, it said, "Don't worry about tomorrow because God is already there." I liked that. It works for me at the moment.
Hope you are all well, I have some catching up to do reading every one's blog. Thanks to all of you who've left me comments last week and this week.
Love,
Robbin

A Bad Few Days

I've had a couple of bad days. Not so much physically but mentally. Today I seem to be coming out of it somewhat and for that I am glad. Depression seems to be a side effect I experience too but this time it was pretty bad. It drags you down physically too and so I've been like a sack of potatoes, just sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I'm done with that. I cried myself a river and that helps I think.
And so today I'm going to try and get some things done around here and at some point I need to go grocery shopping. I feel stronger and I'm pretty sure I can handle that.
I cannot tell you how glad I will be for this to be over and for me to go back to work. I have too much time to think here, and work will help that.
That's about all that is going on in my world at the moment. Hoping you have a good weekend.

What I Think

I can't help it, I cry when I see the pride and the awe in the elderly Black American citizens as they witness the fact that they lived to see a black president elect. Not that many years ago, black people couldn't vote. Not that many years ago, in a society that I can't fathom only I did live in, black people couldn't go into many public places. People gave their lives for civil rights, some gave blood, innocent children died and just because of the color of someones skin they weren't treated equally. NOT that long ago. How proud I am to live in a country that voted for who they thought would do the best job but if I were a black American how double proud I'd be walking today and how I pray with all my heart of our new President's safety for although we've come a long way in our country and are far removed from those barbaric times, there are still crazy people walking around.
We shall see what changes are to come and I hope he can accomplish great things. Its been a long time since we've had a president that accomplished great things. I'm hoping. And not too far off in the future maybe a woman will be added to that list of presidents. And I'm all for that!
Have a good day.
Love,
Robbin

Note to Marge, all morning I've tried to leave a comment on your blog but it won't let me so if you read this I just wanted to say your daughter is in my prayers and so are you! Love you!

The Week to Come

I am glad this week not to have to be probed or stuck too much nor to have anything dripped into my body. I do have to go in tomorrow and have a blood test and get a flu shot but other than that I'm home free. Thank goodness.
My body and spirit needs this time to heal and regroup.
Wednesday is my mother's birthday and we will celebrate that with just supper and a cake and just us. She needs a little attention as for months now she has had to deal with me and my problems.
I am also glad the election will soon be over. For two years we've been listening to this and I'm ready for it to be over. So ready.
And that is about all I know for now. Hope your coming week is a good one.

Self Examination

It is obvious to anyone now that I have cancer, or that I am having Chemo. The cancer doesn't cause you to look this way. It is the cure that does this. You know the look, not just the hair loss. If you see someone wearing a hat that is obviously bald that is not a sure sign but I am at the point where the lashes are gone and there are circles under my eyes. Most of the time there is not much color to me, I am a ghost. My skin is dry and flaky and I look a little like an alien. My face is puffy, as are my hands. Yes, I now look like a Cancer patient. I stare at this strange person in the mirror. I wonder who she is. I don't see me there.
The way I look on the outside is not who I feel like and so each time I see myself it sort of shocks me.
I'm a little blue tonight. And I can't sleep. I went to sleep earlier, too early really and now I'm wide awake. I'm tired. I'm weary. I'll be ok. I'm tough you know. I search in the mirror beyond the puffy face, into my eyes. I search for a spark, a light, but even my eyes stare back at me empty. I don't like that. I need to see something in my eyes. I need to see a tiny piece of me left, that piece that has faith and hope and desire. And passion. But nothing is there. Where have I hidden that part of me? When will I be back and who will I be? And then I see something. It is compassion. Compassion to my own self. Compassion to all those who've walked this path before me and after me and with me. Those eyes, dark and lashless and empty show compassion to my own soul and others, for all the hurt and fear and unknowns. My Spirit is still right there if I stare long enough and then I smile and there is light there too.So I must remember to smile, keep smiling. And I know it will be alright.

My Experience

Well, that life port, the one that gave me lots of trouble from the start was to come out on Thursday. I was just so relieved to be able to get it out, I could have never dreamed that morning when I left home at six thirty what my next few days would be like.
The port came out but there was a part of it, a big chunk of it missing. So when the surgeon goes back in to find the rest of it, he couldn't find it. After an xray there it was in the heart chamber. Things got interesting and scary after that. I was not allowed to hardly move, I was rushed by ambulance to a bigger hospital about an hour away. They assured me that this had to be done sometimes and that the surgeon there had done it lots of times, making a lasso of sorts of some kind of tool and "fishing it out". Well, this is me we are talking about and it wasn't that easy. After three and a half hours in a freezing operating room on a skinny little table, they finally got it out. Just before they had to open my chest up and take it out. I was awake the whole time, I'm not sure why and it was the most horrible experience I've ever had in my life but I'm getting past it and going on and don't want to think about it much anymore. I am grateful they got it out, it was a very serious deal and the important thing is I survived thank goodness and lived to tell the story.
After I was released from the hospital and went to WALGREENS to have scrips filled my sweet nurse's voice that had stayed with me while I was still at the hospital here came up behind me and although I wouldn't have recognized her face, I'll never forget her voice. She hugged me and introduced me to her husband like this, "This is my patient I was telling you about yesterday honey." I never ever wanted to be a "patient that someone went home and told her husband about" but I was that day. I wish I could have taken her with me to the bigger hospital. At that place the nurses weren't nearly as caring and assuring as she had been to me.
And so that is it in a nutshell, there was a lot more to it but I'll spare you the gory details. I don't know why the thing came apart inside of me, I'm just glad it is out of me, ALL of it. And I thank God I am ok and survived it. CAN you believe this? It just goes on and on and on.
But, forward we go one more time.
Love,
Robbin

My Granddaughter

Lately I've not been able to show off my cute Granddaughter but Amy did a cute post that shows her from nearly every HALLOWEEN since her birth, go visit and see my cutie if you haven't already. Go visit here to see. The one above is her gift from me right after her soccer game.

Just in Case You Wondered

I had some complications with my surgery but I am ok, and have a story to tell, which I will in a few days, but in the meantime, if you missed me and was wondering, I am ok. Seems like life is playing a game with me to find out how much physically and emotionally I can take. So far, I'm still up one.
I'll be back soon to catch up on things. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts, I can assure you they work.
Love,
Robbin

A Memory

Last year this time I was busy and excited getting ready for my Mother's 70th surprise birthday party. And we surprised her for sure. It would also turn out to be the last time I had both my sons together, and I knew even then it was a gift but of course I didn't know just how much of a gift it really was, for her and for Matthew and myself.
You just never knew about Jonathan when it came to family affairs. If he showed up, which was mostly not, he'd mostly find something to get upset about and no matter how much we wanted him to know how loved he was and how special he was, he found a way to make the occasion a little uncomfortable.
Last November he didn't do that. He was happy to be there, he enjoyed his time with his brother and he made his grandmother very happy by handing her his dozen roses and wrapping her up in his big bear hug way he had of hugging you.
I held my breath that he would show up, even though he had promised me, that didn't always mean anything. But he came and after the party, that night when we came back to my house, just my sons and me, we had the best time talking about the party, discussing the guests, and being very proud of ourselves at how we'd pulled iit off.
I will forever have that memory, and for that I am grateful.

Not Much to Talk About

We're getting real winter in the next few days, which is a little early for us down here. Usually the poor kids are sweating in their Halloween costumes but not this year.
I'm feeling ok so far, I've lost my voice nearly again. That happened to me last time too and I stayed hoarse for a week or so. Just a side effect that is not too hard to deal with. Yesterday I stayed in all day and watched movies and slept.
On Wednesday I have an appointment with the surgeon who will take out the life port on Thursday if everything is ok. I'm ready to get that done with.
There's nothing much to write about when you just stay home and watch movies and sleep. I am so anxious to get back into life. And it feels good to know that the Chemo is over and I am closer to getting to do that.
And so that is about it for now. Hope you have a good Monday and a good week.

Just me Jabbering

I woke up to the news of Jennifer Hudson's mother and brother having been shot to death and her little nephew is missing. You know her, American Idol, Dream Girls and she's in the Secret Lives of Bees Movie right now. My heart goes out to her, I just can't imagine. Sad, sad, sad.
This year has not been the best year. I will always remember 2008 for sure.
I have my first usual side effect, a sore throat, but other than that I am feeling really good this morning. I even slept all night, sort of. I went to bed early, woke up at two and then slept in the recliner from about three to seven. Not bad since I'm on the steroids. I have two more days of them and hope I never have to take those little suckers ever again. They are also the culprits of the high blood sugar. But they help me from being sick, sick like hanging on the toilet sick and thank goodness I've not had that to deal with.
Yesterday we had a nice slow rain all day. No more rain today but I think it is going to be kind of balmy looking, at least it looks that way out there now.
My thoughts are with Tammy today as this is the day for the ALS Walk. She is actually going to walk too and I'm so proud of her and she's raised so far almost two thousand dollars which is awesome. I wish I could be there right beside her walking away. She's in California and I'm way down here. But my heart is there.
And so, that's about all I know for today. I hope your weekend is a good one.

I Got a Surprise

I had to go to get my shot this morning and when I got there my Angel Nurses had a surprise for me. They gave me a teddy bear and we had sparkling grape juice and a very sweet card with a very sweet note. It was so sweet. They both had their bracelets on too, so that was cool.
It is a cold rainy day and I'm home the rest of the day and since I've been wide awake since two this morning, I'm going to try and sleep. So far, so good with the way I feel. That shot will cause me pain and since I am on the blood thinner, I can't take Alieve anymore so I have a narcotic and it zonks me out but I am not taking it until I have pain. I hate them, hate the feeling they give me but they take care of the pain for sure.
I'll take a picture of my Teddy Bear later, I like him much better than the clown they gave me first.
Love,
Robbin

The Bracelets

I gave the nurses their bracelets yesterday and they were touched and proud of them. I meant to take pictures of the bookmarks I made to go along with them but I didn't. I bought foam bookmarks in the craft department and typed up my note on one side and what the colors meant on the other sides. They turned out really good. It felt good to give them something back for all the kindness they've shown me, the laughs we've had and even the tears. And I've watched them show each and every patient the same kindness. They are well loved in that little Oncology department. Anyway, wanted to share with you what I wrote. When I was trying to put my thoughts together my brain was a little off and my son Matthew sort of put it all together here for me, thank you Matthew. It said all I wanted it to. So here's what it said

"For all you do, the love you give, and the care you provide. With this gift I want to let you know how much you mean to me and all the people to whom you are a champion. In our fight for life you are strong, caring, and constant and there can be no question how much you truly care for us.
The colors of this bracelet represent awareness for the
different types of cancers that you face everyday.
The charm & teal beads represents my personal fight with Uterine Cancer, which I could not imagine facing without you. I hope that you wear this bracelet as a badge of courage for all to see. When you look at it, I hope you think about the love and the appreciation that so many feel for you. You are truly my hero, and my family and I could not have gotten through this part of the battle without you.
For everyone you have held, laughed with, cried with, loved, and lost I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Love,

Robbin"



They were surprised and yep, we had tears. They both put them on right away and they looked so pretty. Those crystals make up so pretty and when the light catches them they are just beautiful. I hope they will enjoy them and know that I meant every word their bookmarks say.

You know, I think nurses are like teachers. They have to have a special calling and I was lucky enough to have two that I have no doubt found their calling in life.

Dear Body,

I just want you to know that there will be no more poison pumped in you and together you and I can start to heal. We are done! We still may have to face a few more things, but I know now how strong you are and we'll do it together. But no more poison! Now, lets grow some hair and get our sugar levels and iron levels regulated and let's get on with life! Together let's try to eat healthy and get exercise and take better care of ourselves. I know we can do it.
Love,
Robbin

Today's the Day

Almost everyone has decorated their blogs in beautiful fall colors but I'm leaving my blue skies. Mostly because I've not been able to go out and take any pictures and it has been so dry here, we don't have many colors, the leaves just fell off and we have some naked trees.

But then I figured I still needed the blue sky for a while. Blue sky is a priority for me right now, so I'm staying blue for now.

Today is the day. One more. And then my body can start to heal and perhaps I'll get a little hair pretty soon, and nose hairs would be nice too. Here's the plan. This treatment will be nice to me. Nothing odd will happen, the side effects will be mild and I can start to get a little exercise. My legs are weak, the muscles don't want to work so well. I got to work on that.

Today I get a drug called Taxol. It is one he added starting the second treatment and they serve a sedative and benadryl with it. So it knocks me out. I usually sleep through it and then come home and sleep through the rest of it and sometimes I sleep the next day through it. I'm not sure why they do that but they do. So, in a few hours I'll be sitting in the recliner and getting my last hook up. So hold on body, we're going to get through this yet!

To all of you, have a good day and know how much I appreciate you all. You all follow me around like the Verizon commercial, carrying me through it all and I can always hear you now.

In Memory of George

Today because I was early to treatment, I got my choice of recliners. It was probably the only one I'd not tried out before. A new location to people watch better. Some times I chose the one in the very back corner where you couldn't see anyone and they couldn't see you. But today I chose a middle one where I saw people coming and going. I heard people complaining and worrying. I saw people who were scared to death to begin Chemo and people who have been doing it for 6 years off and on. I saw lovely women come in whose hair was beginning to grow back, curly and seemed to be growing straight up and so beautifully white was one. Snow white. I thought she was beautiful.

And then I spent a lot of time remembering George. I have not a clue who he was so I had to imagine him. There is a very nice fish aquarium in the office and I sat a few feet from it. It is full of beautiful fish, happy fish, all sizes. On the bottom there is a plaque that simply states, "In Memory of George." I imagine George to have been a little on the elderly side, I imagine him a fighter. And I remembered him every time I look at the aquarium, even though I've not a clue if he was tall or short, thin or heavy, suffered a long time or not. All I know as I tried to imagine him was that he and I shared something. He left on to his next journey but not before leaving a beautiful aquarium with happy living fish. And I think that was pretty cool of him. Because I do remember you George, my fellow warrior, who may even at one time sat for hours in the very chair I sat in today. And I wish for you now all the peace you deserve , pain free and maybe, just maybe those happy fish hear you talk to them and it makes you smile to see them and I just know even though your family misses you, as they watched you slip away, they are proud to have left something in your memory to help cheer a place that can be pretty depressing sometimes. Yes, I will remember you George. I know you in my heart. And thanks for leaving behind a memory of yourself.

Change of Plans Again

As I've said before, if I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. This life port wanted to be ugly yesterday so off they send me to x-ray to do a study on it. This has happened every single time, so I am used to it and most of the time, it is ok except that one time it had a blood clot and they put me in the hospital. Anyway, yesterday again it wouldn't work. All of that took so much time that by the time I saw my Dr., it would have been really really late to get through with the treatment, (which they will put in through an IV in my arm this last time.) My Dr. wants the Life Port out as soon as possible so I'm scheduled to have that done next week. That means I can get off these dang blood thinners which they've never gotten the dosage right , my blood is either too thin or too thick. AND so, I just came home and will go in early today and get started.
In a few weeks I will have another scan, to see where we are and we'll go from there. I hate those scans because you worry and worry what they are going to see or tell you. But this time I'm not worrying. What ever happens, I can deal with it and I since the one he did midway showed great progress, I think it will be all clean. We'll see.
So, for sure I'm getting the treatments today and tomorrow and then I'll be done with chemo.
Thanks for your prayers and thoughts yesterday. Have a good day yourselves!
Love,
Robbin

At Last the Last

I can hardly believe today will be the 6th treatment. In many ways it seems like the time has passed so slowly and it has been 18 weeks, which is a pretty long time I guess. Of course I have to have one tomorrow too, so officially my last one won't be until then.

It would be nice if this one would be easy on me. Wouldn't that be nice? I'm praying hard.

If all goes well I should be able to go back to work around the middle of November. I am ready to go back to work. I am ready to get back in the world.

My appointment is not until 12:15 today and the first thing is I have to see the Dr. Usually he is late and then this life port of mine doesn't act right and they send me to xray to check it out and then by then they give me the choice of having the treatment today or waiting until tomorrow. Because I hate that the nurses would have to stay so late with me, I usually just say we'll do it tomorrow but after talking to my friend Tammy, and my Mom, I've decided since this is the last one, I want the treatment today! No matter how long I have to stay. Let's get this over with! Today I'm being selfish!

And so that's my story for today. I've learned through all of this that Chemo sucks! If it has destroyed cancer cells I am glad but it makes you wonder and wonder if it is worth it. At this point in time it is all we have and so we have to go with it. I heard Melissa Ethridge say that she believes years from now we'll look back on Chemo therapy and think how barbaric is was. It is for sure. But we are tough, us human beings and we fight to live and most of us survive Chemo, whereas we don't always survive cancer.

I'm surviving, and I'm going on to live the rest of my life for me. I've tried so hard my whole life to please everyone else and it has gotten me so far from what I want. So if Cancer has taught me anything, it has taught me to follow my heart to my own happiness. And that is what I'm going to do, no matter how much time I have left, none of us know how much time we have left on this earth. And I know I can face whatever I have to face now and get through it. With faith, with people who support me, and with my own spirit I am going to survive and go from there.

"There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do."
-- Freya Madeline Stark

I'm Ready

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."
-- Soren Kierkegaard

After a few days of just letting myself feel a little defeated with life in general, I'm back to understanding that I must keep fighting to be where I want to be. I'm so close to being done with the Chemo and at least that will be behind me. If they say radiation, I can handle that too. I'm not fond of the radiation doctor but he is one of the best in this area and getting another Dr. at this point makes little sense to me. Plus I'm getting ahead of things here, there is still the chance that they don't recommend radiation. Another Pet Scan will let us know where we stand.
So, this week, the last Chemo and then we'll go from there. I'm ready for whatever happens. Fighting Cancer, or any disease can be a lonely thing. No matter how much support you have, no matter how many people really care, you are basically alone in it, alone with your thoughts, alone with your fear. You put on a brave face for the people who want so badly to help you but what really helps is when you accept it yourself and face it head on. During the Chemo I've been able to just sort of not think about much but getting through whatever it brought but the time is coming to move forward and I'm ready.

A Bad Mood Post, Read at your own Risk!

I am in a bad mood. Not really a snap someone's head off, evil eyed, all negative bad mood, but a bad mood just the same. I don't like it and times like this it is probably a good thing I live alone.

Physically I am feeling much better. Thank goodness for that, so I shouldn't complain and yet I do. Shame on me!

Feeling guilty makes my mood worse! These past few months are such a blur to me. My world is just so weird at the moment. My future is unclear to me on so many levels.

So I'm in a bad mood!

Hunting Season started this morning. I've heard several shots, I hope they missed my deer that live around here. I hope they are bad shooters.

My fingernails are almost all the way dark now, just the tips left. The skin on my hands look so old, like I'm 90. I feel 90.

What if my hair doesn't grow back?

Jonathan's death still doesn't feel real to me. Somewhere in the back of my mind I keep thinking he'll call me and I'll say, "I knew it wasn't true!"

I'm on long term disability now and I'm not sure how much longer I am going to have to miss work and I'm afraid I'm going to lose my job.

I don't want to have radiation after all this and I'm afraid I will have to.

I can't seem to "feel" anything about anything. That's not like me. Usually it doesn't take much to excite me.

All food taste like crap!

I told you I'm in a bad mood.

But this too shall pass. But in the meantime it is no fun!

New Blood

Alrighty then, let's see if this person whose blood is now happily melting with my own poor blood was fond of liver and turnip greens and all iron rich foods because I need all the iron I can get! I never knew before what type blood I have so it was interesting to learn I'm O positive.
The first thing that happened by the time I dragged myself to the Oncology Department was of course they take my temp and blood pressure. AH.....new development. Low Blood pressure reading. Or maybe I should say what blood pressure?? I hardly had a blood pressure. She brushed it off at first, and put the cuff on the other arm. Still too low. They call my Doctor. He says, "Give her the first bag of blood (I was to get two) and if her blood pressure is not up, give her a bag a fluids in between. I think the nurses found it hard I was even conscious. So, we start the first bag of blood. In between, my blood pressure slowly was surely rose. And finally, although it never got normal, it did rise. By the time I had the second bag it was lots better. So they decided no fluids. All I cared about was that they didn't decide I had to go to the hospital.
I have my own blood pressure checker and this morning it is still a little low but not bottomed out and for the first time in quite sometime, I can walk from room to room in my house without feeling like I've just climbed a mountain. Those little red blood cells are merging quite well, (thank you Mr. or Ms. Blood Donor) Please go give blood if you can. And I am so happy. Too bad we didn't discover this a week ago!
So, we shall see how today goes. I've got to finish my bracelet projects which were put on hold, and I need to do some household chores which have gone undone for a long time, and I will also take it easy in between. My appetite is still off but I can eat and so I eat what I want when I want when I can. It is working for now.
I hope for all of you a wonderful weekend.
Love,
Robbin

"I Vant to Drink Your Blood!"

I'm going to a Halloween Party today as a Vampire. Ok, so I won't be drinking blood, it will come pre-packaged in a little bag and it will be put inside my veins, which is ok by me, I didn't really want to bite anyone. And it won't really be much of a party, everyone there will be hooked up to something going into their veins and I don't think the party snacks will be that great.
As it turns out my hemoglobin is down, down, down, which explains why I've had so much trouble recovering this time. As I understand it, it is not uncommon for Chemo patients to have to get blood, most of the time earlier than I have. We've fought my iron levels for a while now, they've given me a special shot every treatment, put pure iron from an IV bag in me, and I'm on some pretty powerful iron pills but alas my body is not absorbing much of it and this week it really went way down.
The good thing is I can do it right there in Oncology and have to be put in the hospital. And I have to have two bags, so it will take about 4 hours. For Cancer patients they have to use a special blood that they've done something to, so yesterday I had to go give them some of mine to match and it was ordered and it will not come until today sometime. I'm just waiting for a call that it is there and I'll go get it.
I have to admit I am so ready to feel better that I am looking forward to getting it. AND so, there you go, thank goodness for people who give blood. GO now, give blood. It is a good thing, it saves lives for sure.
In the mean time, I've got to pick out my best Vampire Dress to wear today, I'm going in style!
Only thing is, I'm going to be a bald headed Vampire, darn it! Sort of spoils the look!

I'm Still Here

Ok, well, maybe all those sweet pictures did it, or maybe I forgot the dance steps of this Chemo thing. Sometimes, one step forward, two steps back, but yesterday was a bad day. I forget that you can't say "OH, I feel pretty good today, tomorrow will be even better!" Nope, not the way it works for me. But I got through it, I made it, that day is behind me and this morning, so far so good. I am very shaky, ready to jump out of my skin, but Xanax helps that. My head is a little clearer, but still I don't really feel like I'm living in the moment. It is hard to explain, just weird. I'm plagued with other things not so pleasant to talk about so I won't and my appetite just doesn't seem to exist, not even for brownies!
But I got through yesterday and the day before that and that's saying something!
I had to got get a blood test this morning for the blood thinner thing. My mom took me and I actually am not worn out, (ok, a little tired) but I'm thankful I didn't have to do it yesterday.
MY next and last treatment is this coming Tuesday. I think they have it figured out just how much they can give you until they kill you.
And so that's all I got today. I'll be glad for the day when I can post and not mention Cancer or Chemo, or feeling bad. And I thank all of you for always checking in on me and for offering your prayers.
Love,
Robbin

Finally as I Come out of my Chemo Coma........

I am hungry! So hungry. I've hardly ate, had to force myself to drink and wouldn't you know what I crave to eat is not at all what I really need. So, instead of eating any of it and killing myself, I decided to just look at pictures. The funny thing is, I'm not much of a sweet eater under normal circumstances and I sure don't need to be one since the steroids have given me the gift of diabetes and since cancer cells seem to love sugar! SO...I'm dreamin' of this,
and a little of this,
And some of this,
Just a bite of this,
And a taste of this,
oH, AND SOME OF THIS

AND A TINY BIT OF THIS,

That Brownie looks divine. I think Brownies are my favorite. But that pie, that's a banana cream pie. And I love cupcakes.....ah. Anyway, I'm feeling a little stronger every day. This treatment has been a bad one but I'm coming out on the other side. Slowly but surely and HUNGRY!

In reality and for tonight I had this. No sugar added.

J E L L O , umm.

I usually try to answer each of your comments but because each of you in the last few days have been so alert to the fact that I'm having a hard time, I wanted to sent a special post to all of you.
It has been rough, and each message you've left me has filled my heart with such joy and thankfulness. Just to know that you'd take the time from your busy lives to leave me notes of encouragement and love, overwhelms me so much.
I think I'm a little better today but if I still can't eat or drink too much, I have the option of going in and getting some fluids and as the day goes by, we'll see if I do that. I was able to eat a tiny bit of real food yesterday and I'm drinking some but for the first time during all this I've experienced nausea. I've been able so far not to actually throw up, but the feeling is there at times and so far I have a pill that helps instantly. I've had those pills since the beginning but have hardly had to take them until the last few days. The real danger is of course, is getting dehydrated.
Anyway, treatment number five will go down so far as being my worse but I am hanging in there and feel a new strength today that I've not had in the last few days. Thank you again for being here for me. Your understanding of my feelings when I don't even really tell you is uncanny to me and all I can say is what wonderful friends I have all over this country.
So, keep the prayers and good thoughts and candle lighting and all you got for me, it does so help. You will never know how much.

Seaching for Some Light

I have to go back for another blood test this morning. They can't get the blood thickkness right, it is now too thin. Wearing on my nerves a little. And this is the week the chemo works on my emotions. It's hard to look past it, even though I know I only have one more treatment, I don't know what will happen after that. I don't know so much and it plagues me.

Coming out of the fog a little, I search for some sunshine. And I know it is there, somewhere, but just hiding from me a bit for the moment.

Hope your day is a good one.

Just Another Day

Just got back from town to get a blood test. This one is to keep track of the thickness of the blood since I'm on the blood thinner. They'll call me this afternoon and I'll adjust the pills I take, or I won't. Whichever. Since I'm still in a bit of a fog, my mother took me this morning. I was quite, which worried her, and although I don't feel really bad, I'm just sort of in that fog, there's no other way to describe it. The fatigue not so bad yet, nor the bone pain. Maybe I'll skip all that this time but I keep reminding myself it has only been four days since the treatment and sometimes these things come on later. But hey, I can hope they don't come.
And so, here I am back home, sitting in my recliner, with my computer. Every once in a while I get a jolt of energy and I think I can jump up and do a little house work, but I never get much done. SO back I sit. BUT hopefully not too much longer of this. I can't believe I only have one more treatment. And I am so grateful I've not had nearly as hard of a time with Chemo as I could have.
And that's about all there is with my boring life today. One day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. But I'm making it and that's what counts!

THis is MY Brain on Chemo

Just checking in to let you know I'm doing pretty good so far this time. The different thing this time is I'm so foggy headed so this post is going to be very short as I'm not able to hardly concentrate to type. It's a weird feeling for sure and has been my constant companion, really since I left the Cancer Center on Thursday. But I can handle being a little out there I guess, as long as I don't try to do anything too important.
Other than that, all is well.
Hoping you all have a good weekend.
Love,
Robbin

What Happens During the Treatment

My friend Shirley asked me in the comment section some questions about what goes on while I'm getting treatment and it occurred to me if anyone was searching for the info, it might help them know too if they are curious before starting treatment so I decided to answer her questions in a post.

You've probably heard me speak of the life port. It is what caused me to stay in the hospital a few days as it had a blood clot in it. My surgeon that put it in says it can happen about 20% of the time. I was put on the blood thinner and it dissolved so I can still use it. The purpose of it is so that they can put the drugs in through it instead of having to stick you each time in your veins. So when it works right, it is a wonderful thing. It is a little gadget inserted right under your skin, in your upper chest. IT has wires that are wired into veins. This frees your arms up and so you can have freedom to move your arms whereas you couldn't so much with the IV inserted straight in your veins.

In the room there are big soft recliner chairs and you can sit or lay back. Their are TV's and you the room is open with little partitions, and you usually share your little space with another patient. Most people sleep because of the drugs. When you have to go potty, you just tell the Nurses and they help you push your IV stand to the bathroom, so no big deal there.

They have juice and other drinks they offer you and if you are there at lunch time or supper, they bring you a sandwich tray.

So, Shirley, even though you are confined to the chair, you certainly can move around a little and you don't have to lie down all the time, so it isn't too bad. You can read, play cards with a friend, sleep, watch TV, listen to your ipod or books on on CD.

And so that's pretty much it.

I love nature and trees and mushrooms. This tree in my yard has mushrooms growing right into it. I'm not sure how healthy this might be for this tree but I thought it looked interesting.

One Day down, One to Go

Just a little quickie post this morning to let you know my life port was clear, no blood clot, (thank you God) and my day was very long but not unpleasant. I met a cute little lady and her very sweet grown granddaughter which I will blog about later. I'm up early and my mind is a little scattered this morning so if I tried a detailed post this morning, it probably wouldn't make much since.
Today's treatment will be a shorter one and I'm hoping to be home by three if all goes well. Yesterday was from nine until about five thirty.
So for now, I'm feeling fine and anxious to get today over with.
Wishing all of you a wonderful Thursday full of love and light and happiness.
Love,
Robbin

CANCER AWARENESS BRACELET

Ok, I got one finished. This is the one I'm giving to my two nurses. It represents different cancers with the ribbon being my own. So, I got to make one more, make the cards I want to go with them explaining how important they've been to me and others, and explaining the colors. I hope they like them.