Surviving

I'm stronger everyday and besides for a few digestive problems, I am feeling pretty well today.
My mind is a little dull however, have I mentioned Chemo Brain before? It's a real thing and I think I have it, so nothing too exciting today on my dull little brain, but I did want to at least check in and thank you all for checking on me as you do.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, it's a Holiday weekend, snuck up on me, I didn't realize Labor Day was this Monday. I'd love to be doing something fun. I can't think the last time I did anything fun. But I know it is in my future and I know, as sweet Shirley told me in a comment,
"I Will Survive". She decided it should be my theme song! And so it is.



“We are driven by five genetic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom, and fun.”
William Glasser

A Rough Few Days

I've had a rough few days but hopefully am on the mend. On Tuesday, my blood pressure decided to bottom out and my blood sugar level decided to go way up, causing me to be very sick. I couldn't get my Pet Scan, because of the blood sugar. All of this due to the steroids I have to take right after the treatements for the following four days.
So, needless to say, I've been sick.
But then again, what do I expect when the medicines they give me eat away at white and red cells, eat up my iron, makes my blood pressure and blood sugar levels nuts? It's part of it I guess.
But, I'm ok, hanging in there.
Take care you all,
Love,
Robbin

The Creation by Wintley Phipps (Reedited)

I have always love the poem by James W. Johnson called "The Creation".

I once heard James Earl Jones recite it and I searched for it on You Tube.

Instead I found it recited by someone named Wintley Phipps. His voice along with the pictures is quite moving.

Peeking my Head out a Bit

Since Friday I've pretty much been in seclusion, rolling with the waves and getting through the effects of this third treatment. With almost all the days filled with rains from Fay, it wasn't so bad. I slept off and on, I ate when I could and made yummy smoothies.

Today I will very caustiously peek out a little. For one thing I have to, the other thing is I am afraid to say I feel pretty good this morning. At this point it really goes from hour to hour so I never am too quick to say "I feel great" because it can change, but it's down hill from here on out until the next treatment.
I feel like I'm in bootcamp where they knock you down to nothing and then build you up to feel strong and ready to face whatever.

Today I have to go for a PET scan, it is the one the Dr. has ordered at the half way point to see if the Chemo is doing what it is suppose to do. I really won't know the results of it until I see the Dr. again on the 9th of Sept.
The test is late this afternoon at five thirty, which gives me a little more time to get ready and by this afternoon I should feel better than I do now, this early in the morning, and I don't feel that bad right now.
The deal is suppose to be that you have a treatment and then on the third day or so you start feeling bad and then after a few days, you start feeling better. In the past that has not really been the way with me, I usually feel worse the whole week after, but this time it might be doing what it normally does to most people. We shall see.
Either way, I'm glad to be done with the last few days. And I've survived! SO that's always a good thing.
And if I can eat today I've got to get it done by noon because of the test, I can't eat anything or drink anything after 12 noon. So, very carefully I'll peek out and go out into the big world today.
And so that's about all I know for now.
I'm hoping a good week for all of you.
Love,
Robbin

My Inspiration for Today

I've had a few rough days here but nothing I can't handle. My spirit is strong and wild and free and determined to get through each day to be where I want to be.
Just like a wild horse I have the strength and the determination to survive.

Circles

Well, here I am on my old schedule again of falling asleep at night around eight thirty and then waking up at four in the morning. I wake up several times during this time but manage to sleep again, but four o'clock in all I can manage and then I'm awake. Seems to be a part of the process here.

It has rained all night, and I suppose it will rain all day too but that's ok. We need the rain and I'm not planning to go anywhere.

When I'm feeling the worse, I wish to be alone, I don't want to venture out and I just do better on my own. I've always been like that when I don't feel good. I would just rather be left alone.

I'm not feeling that bad this morning. Just know that the Chemo is doing its thing and I'm trying to help it by eating when I can and drinking protein shakes when I can't. By not fighting it, and resting and just letting my mind rest for now. And that's a feat in itself, letting my mind rest. It wants to race ahead and leads me to thinking things I don't won't to think about right now. So I am practising thinking for the present . Not thinking too much at all.

I am just so thankful so far all of this has been manageable. It ain't always a bed of roses but I know it could be lots worse.

And so that's the way it is right now. We all are fighting our own battles and this happens to be mine right now. It doesn't take much looking around to see what things people have to endure and face that are so much worse than your own problems. But it doesn't take much either to look around while you're facing your problems and see what gifts the world offers and if you miss those, even the really simple things, then your problems will take over your world and you'll forget there are always blue skies that follow. It's the way of life. The circle of life.

"You have noticed that everything as Indian does is in a circle, and that is because the Power of the World always works in circles, and everything tries to be round..... The Sky is round, and I have heard that the earth is round like a ball, and so are all the stars. The wind, in its greatest power, whirls. Birds make their nest in circles, for theirs is the same religion as ours... Even the seasons form a great circle in their changing, and always come back again to where they were. The life of a man is a circle from childhood to childhood, and so it is in everything where power moves. "
-Black Elk, Oglala

Who Knew?

I've never really had strong fingernails. They'd break easy and I was never really able to grow long pretty nails. And then for some reason after my hysterectomy I grew the strongest prettiest nails you've ever seen. They had a good shape, they had white tips, they were beautiful for a few weeks and then Chemo entered my world.
Chemo can cause your nails to become brittle and to break easily so I was right back all of a sudden to normal but then I noticed those little moons you have at the beginning of your nails started turning dark. I had read where that might happen but it does go away after chemo, but here's the interesting thing I found out from the Dr. on Tuesday. It is mostly on my thumb nails but he says that for every treatment I get, I'll get another ring of darkness, like a tree has rings. You can count how many chemos I've had by the rings of darkness on my nails.
Very interesting to me. Very weird too. So there's your Chemo Trivia for the day.

Friday Ramblings

Tropical Storm Fay is headed our way, already is in our surrounding counties. South of us are in danger of flooding and high winds. Probably where I live just rain and probably some winds up to 20mph, but we could miss much of that. Still there will be tornado warnings and thunder storms here lasting until tomorrow they are predicting. SO that's all that is on our local news this morning.
I've decided to make my wonderful Chemo nurses bracelets but I wanted Swaraovski crystals which is the one thing I don't have enough of in my collection of beads, so I went shopping on EBay yesterday and ordered some beautiful ones and I'm anxious for them to get here.
Today with the rain I wish I could get into some of my books I have in line to read but concentrating on reading is just impossible for me and that ticks me off! I love to read, I've always read! I want to read! But I guess it's not to be right now.
So anyway, that's about all I know this early Friday morning. I feel still good. And I keep hoping maybe the side effects won't hit me so badly but it's only two days since my treatments and then I had the shot yesterday that can cause bone pain. But I'm not worrying about it for now. Taking feeling good and enjoying it for now.
Hoping you have a good Friday and a good weekend.
Love,
Robbin
P.S.
Wanted to share my emailed Inspirational quote today.

"We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only
fly by embracing one another."

-- Lucretius

A Little of This and That

Yesterday turned out to be a long day, but I am now completed with my third treatment. I have to go in this afternoon to get the shot that builds the white cells and then next week another pet scan.
I didn't leave the center until eight thirty last night. I went in at one but the Dr. has to be there before they can administer the medicine so he put us a little behind and then with the added bag of Iron he has put me on, that added time so it was a very long day to sit in a recliner and because of a positional problem with my port I am sort of limited as to how much I can move. And so needless to say I was exhausted and hungry! But after getting home and eating, I was ready for bed and I slept really good thank goodness. I'm up pretty early this morning but so far so good. None of the side effects usually show up until the weekend.
Someone has called to see about buying Jonathan's car. I am letting my mother handle this as she is good at this sort of thing and I don't really feel like dealing with it myself. It sounds promising, in his price range and he likes the way it looks. SO we shall see if that pans out.
I'm working on my coffee and fixing oatmeal for breakfast, sounds good and nourishing to me.
So I will see what today brings and onward we go. I am so thankful to wake up feeling pretty normal today with an appetite no less. I in fact am
And so I will stay focused on one day at a time.
My spirits are good, and I am happy to be doing so well right at this moment.
I hope you have a good day.
I'm going to play with my jewelry making stuff today and take it easy.

Somewhere over the Rainbow

I almost forgot to tell you that on the way home from my treatment yesterday my mom and I saw the most beautiful rainbow, one that goes from one end of the world to the other. My son is residing somewhere over that rainbow and I'm thinking just maybe he was able to send that to us to let us know all will be ok and he's pulling some strings for me. He knows how special rainbows are for me and our family because when my grandmother died his brother, Matthew was only a really little fellow, five or six and right after she died, we saw a rainbow and he said, "Look, Granny Jo is sending us a rainbow." And every since then we think of that when we see one. And.......now the both of them are sending them. At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Thank you my darling, I got the message loud and clear and I love and miss you and know you are ok somewhere over that rainbow!

One Day Down, One to Go

I saw the Dr. first thing yesterday. He greeted me with a big smile and sat beside me on the cot and said, "Well now, you look too good for someone who has such powerful drugs pumped into her body." He's such a sweetie pie and I love him even if he does keep adding medicine to my body.

My blood count was good but I have an iron deficiency. My iron was way low and I am of course anemic so he is giving me a drip today of something to help that, also a shot, and a RX of some heavy duty iron pills.

I am feeling good today, I slept well and almost to eight o'clock which is a very good thing.

Today I don't go in until one and I have the big drug where they hook me up to a heart monitor thingie and watch me closely for any allergies as this drug tends to do that to people. I did good with it last time so I'm hoping for no problems and it will be pretty late when I get done, probably around eight tonight.

Oh, and I almost forgot, I'm scheduled for another Pet Scan (pending insurance will approve it) for next Tuesday and we'll see if any progress is being made.

Everybody loved my earrings and couldn't believe I made them.

SO that's the plan for today. Thanks a million times over for all of your
support.

And now I'm off to fix breakfast. I am actually hungry. So I'm going to eat while I can. Nothing spicy and small portions. I understand that now.

Love,
Robbin

Ready for the Day

I had such a good day yesterday. I felt so good and I got something actually done productive. Got some housework done, took a little walk with Sweetie, had supper with my mom and stepfather. I got two special cards yesterday, one of them a singing one. I got a phone call from someone special. It was just an all around pleasant day and for that I am thankful.

I also had a very peaceful night, I slept good although I am up early, that seems to be a thing with me lately but that's ok.

Today I go for my third treatment. That means I'll be half way done. So the big thing now is deciding what to wear and what little hat to wear. My favorite hats to wear for treatments are made of cotton knit. I have two that tie in the back and they are my favorite ones. I have a pink one and a blue one made like that. They are the most comfortable ones to wear when I am having the treatment.

SO far my eyelashes and eyebrows are hanging in there. I've lost some of them but at least I have some.

But you know what? I've lost my nose hairs. Very weird. You never appreciate nose hairs until you don't have them.

I'm wearing my new Chandelier earrings I made last week.

I couldn't get a very good picture of them but you can get the idea there.
My appointment is at 10:45 and I'll be there all day. I'm usually done by six if things go ok. And then tomorrow I do it all over again with that other drug the Dr. added.
And so that's my story for today.
Hope your day is a good one.

I Am So Multi-Talented

At the moment I am competing in a cooking contest that takes me all over the world, right now I am in China competing against eight other cooks. I won the USA Championship already.



I also am running a ranch where I have cows, an ostrich, and acres of crops. I am quite successful in selling my crops. I have a bread making machine, a catsup machine and a jelly making machine using my grapes, my wheat, and my tomatoes. I have bee hives as well. I am making lots of money too.

Last week I played detective in San Francisco and solved a case where I had a serial killer on the lose, but don't worry, I apprehended him and he is in prison. And I was also in a poker tournament where I won over two million dollars and then lost it all just like that!



I also took care of a whole village of little people starting out with seven and populated it to over 90. I had to figure out how to feed them, keep water and fire for them going and keep them alive, while the whole time figuring out the secret of a lost city they had come to.



It's true, I am completely addicted to computer games. I always have been but now that I have all this time on my hands, it is a lot worse. But it keeps my mind occupied and in a weird sort of way, I feel like I am accomplishing something. And it is just plain challenging and fun. And keeps my mind busy.



For a while there I was addicted to what is called the seek and find games. Here's a shot of what one looks like.




There's a room full of stuff and a list of things you have to find. Not as easy as it sounds but fun and the graphics are amazing. This particular game I was a wedding planner.

So, at least while my life is on hold, I can virtually do whatever I want.

Hello There

I'm just coming in to say hi and to thank everyone for their well wishes and concerns and prayers and thoughts. I've had a good week. It's been cool enough that I could enjoy sitting outside in the late afternoons.
I've played with my beads and gemstones a little and made a few pieces of jewelry. I've eaten well and slept well since most of the Chemo is out of my body for the moment.

I have had time to reflect and put into perspective a few things and to get geared up for my next treatments coming this week. And I am ready. This will be my third one and if the Doctor doesn't change his plan, this will put me half way done. I know this is just a small little part of my life that I have to get through. I've accepted that I am a different person for a lot of different reasons but I'm not sure who that person is yet and I only hope the lessons I learn through all of this will make me a better person, more compassionate and not so quick to judge others and not blind to trials others face daily.
I have reached deep deep down and found renewed strength and faith that will carry me through this no matter how hard it gets. And I have found the peace inside that I lost there for a minute. I've calmed my spirit and I'm ready now to get on with this.

AND...........look what showed back up! My red cap that belonged to Jonathan. That made me very happy.

Taking a Blogging Break

Sunday Morning Haiku

Just before first light,

Morning and spirit inhale,

Simultaneously.

Identifying the Enemy

I've needed to rethink this dance thing I got going on with that C word. First of all, I have two partners here. They both start with C but one of them is suppose to be on MY side. I've lost sight of that a little.

And so, I take another look at my War Strategy, as I would think any good Warrior does from time to time. I need to work along beside Chemo against what could be Bad Cells, bunches of them ready to take over healthy cells. Me & Chemo, good guys. Cancer cells , bad guys.

Its just that it is hard to understand a battle partner who kicks you when you're down. One who is also destroying cells, even nice cells. It is hard to imagine this guy on your side when you never know how he is going to effect you from day to day, from hour to hour. I've in fact grown to hate this partner, to think of him as an always burning, sizzling, pot of witches brew, boiling over inside me. He constantly reminds me he's here, through what I eat, or don't eat, by the sight of me in the mirror, through the fogginess of my mind, and by taking away any sort of normal life that I knew of. He has in fact caused me not to trust my own body, not to even know it quite well at all.

And so with that said, I've got to re-think this. I do believe he is doing his job, very well. But I'm not so sure I am doing mine. It's not going to work if Mr. Chemo and I work against each other. I've got to recognize him as a "good thing". I've got to remember if he doesn't do his thing now, I could have big trouble with the real enemy down the road.

So, I'm working on getting a new visualization here. Chemo, a good guy, fighting, fighting, fighting and me, well I just keep on keeping on. It's the best I can do for now. And I'll buckle down for the four more treatments that will get only more intense.

So Let the Games Begin

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
Confucius

$$$$$? MY GOODNESS!

You guys shoulda warned me! The cost of groceries, are you kidding me?
It's been probably a month since I actually bought groceries, and I was needing stuff like toilet paper, paper towel, plus some food that I thought I might eat. AND so after being up for awhile this morning, I took off to town. It was before seven thirty and not too many people were shopping, it was cooler from the night's rain, it was now or never.

I CANNOT believe the cost of groceries. I'm making 60% of my salary but I spent money like I'm making 100%.

Now, the thing is, I hope I eat some of these things I bought that looked good to me. I still bought Ensure, sometimes that is all I can do, but it is so expensive even. So, I need to try to EAT real food.
I got lots of frozen veggies and stuff that won't go bad, but I did buy bananas and strawberries. I'm not suppose to eat anything I can't peel, but I had to have those berries, they looked yummy.
So, I got that done, got it all hauled in and all put away and now I'm beat, but still it feels good to have gotten that done. BUT MAN! I need to stay out of town. Spent too much MONEY!

Where is the Magic?

The big news today is that my Stepfather is actually getting to come home today! That's amazing to me that just three days ago he had a total hip replacement and today he gets to come home. He called me yesterday and was feeling pretty good, with a little pain. He is so popular that his friends and family are fighting over who has the best vehicle to bring him home in. I am so happy he had this done and he is going to be amazed at how good he is going to feel. My mom might even get him to clean out the barn that she fusses at all the time. We shall see how that goes.

As for me, yesterday was a much better day, I actually got some laundry done, I made supper and I even managed to give my car a drink of water, (I guess I ran the radiator dry sitting in it the other day while the power was off). So at least I felt like I accomplished something.

And so things go on. Sometimes it is hard to think that things will be better or that I will again be able to DO something, or GO somewhere or make plans. I had to also grieve a little this week as somehow I've not really had time to do that. And maybe it's a little hormonal as well as I cry at the silliest things. Still just typing that made me cry, I think I am a mess. I even grieved my uterus, how's that? Somehow losing my firstborn and my uterus at around the same time has some kind of significance, and I actually said that to someone who looked shocked! But it is how my mind is working. I grieve for both of them.

For a while there I lost my way but I am ok now, putting it back together and am searching for some of the magic I've always found in the world and in myself. I know it is still there somewhere!



I'm hoping you all have a good weekend full of fun and magic!
Love,
Robbin




Ho, ho, ho
It's magic you know
Never believe, it's not so
It's magic, you know
Never believe, it's not so

Never been awake
Never seen a day break
Leaning on my pillow in the morning
Lazy day in bed
Music in my head
Crazy music playing in the morning light

*Ho, ho, ho
It's magic you know
Never believe, it's not so
It's magic, you know
Never believe, it's not so

I love my sunny day
Dream of far away
Dreaming on my pillow in the morning
Never been awake
Never seen a day break
Leaning on my pillow in the morning light

Ho, ho, ho
It's magic, you know
Never believe it's not so
It's magic, you know
Never believe, it's not so

(PILOT, the band)