Thursday, December 31, 2009

GoodBye 2009

This past year has not been a bad one for me but it has been more of a "bridge" to where I want to be. Physically I am where I want to be, with the people I want to be with. So that's a start. I'm hoping this year will bring the rest of what I need to survive and settle down again. I have great hopes for me and for YOU.
"Happy New Year" to you.
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Sunday, December 27, 2009

I've decided I like nothing better than the sound of the crunch of the frost as I walk across the grass in the park. Much to my dismay, no snow yet. But I'm still hoping it will come soon.
I hope you had a very nice Christmas. We did and all I can say is to finally be able to spend Christmas and Birthday with my Granddaughter has been the best gift I could ever get.
Things I've learned from my granddaughter since I've arrived have been numerous but right off the top of my head are these two little tidbits.
Just when you think you've lost all the joy and magic of Christmas, see it through a child's eyes. Even though every year more and more of her little friends tell her that Santa is not real, she is just not ready to give it up and her belief is so strong that a few times I thought I heard Santa's sleigh on Christmas Eve. Never stop believing because if you do you become a bitter person.
The other thing is this. Haleigh's Birthday is Decemeber 26th and I always hated that for her. I felt like she'd always get cheated on her birthday but here's the thing I've learned. She is not upset about it at all, instead it is a wonderful thing for her because when Christmas is over for everyone else she still has the day after to look forward to. It is just a continuation of her joy and that just blew me away. And I love that about her.

So, there you have it, my thoughts for the holidays, but wait, we're not done yet. We still have the New Year to look forward to, don't we?
Love to you,
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Thursday, December 10, 2009

On a Clear Day

There's something very refreshing about putting your little dog on her leash on a very bright and sunny day and the two of you going for a walk in the 18 degree weather. If you bundle up enough it is not bad at all. There's no wind, just sunshine, which will not last long so you learn to get it while you can. This has been our routine for the last few days. And on these nice sunny clear days, the mountains are so clear, so beautiful. I guess it is true, "On a Clear Day, you can see Forever." I wish my life was so clear to me.

I thought I was excited about blogging again. I guess I'm not. I am keeping a private journal because if I blogged what I was sometimes feeling it would make people think I'm nuts or really disturbed so I decided to keep things mostly to myself. You know, private thoughts that I must work out myself.

I don't really know how to be this new person I've become. So I'm learning slowly. I'm carrying a lot of guilt right now by not being independent and on my own. I'm wondering about and doubting decisions I've made. I don't know how to handle the stabbing pain in my heart that hits me from time to time without warning when I realize again that I've lost a child who is gone forever. I don't know how to stop saying "what if" and I don't know how to push myself to a new level.
And so I've still got a lot going on here that I've got to get through. And I will. Clearer days have got to be right around the corner as I refuse to miss out on the sun!