Thursday, July 31, 2008

Amy, you Might want to skip this Post


My Daughter in Law, Amy, hates needles, she has improved a lot lately but this is going to freak her out. The shot I had to get today, I got in the stomach. Now I know that sounds terrible but here's the deal, I felt it not at all. They say it stings something terrible in the arm but she promised me it would not in the stomach. She went in right next to my belly button and I hardly knew she stuck me. TOO COOL!

Of course as with any of the drugs, this on has side effects possibly and it is bone pain of the large bones. The meds builds white blood cells so it goes straight to the bone marrow in your bones. Very interesting really. AND so now I'm a mean white cell making machine!

So far so good. She advised me to start taking Ibuprofen and to keep some in my system for the next few days, so that's what I'm doing.

ANYway, I've had a good day, the heat zaps me and when I went into town it was like the hottest part of the day but I wasn't out much nor for long.

I am almost completely bald and I wore a cute denim hat with a silk flower in it with jeans and a blue top, so I thought I was cute.

My Nurse is so proud of how my body is handling that big dose of drugs yesterday, and I am too. Another good take which I accept with all the grace and I can muster..

AND I GOT A SHOT IN THE STOMACH! Am I tough or what?

Have a good night! See ya in the morning.

Love,

Robbin
P.S. I warned you AMY, but I know you read it anyway, lol!

Nature's Colors

The Crepe Myrtles are blooming more at last. I got these yesterday morning. (Perhaps, Aisling I had a Wednesday Stroll this week instead of Sunday but it was nice to get out before the heat and I was feeling really good.)
Though my friend Tammy is taking a blogging break, I know she is still reading and the Crepe Myrtles are for her because I know she likes them.
This is called a Balloon Flower. I love the color
Posted by Picasa
The Cana Lily is blooming up in my mom's garden. IT looks like a burst of sunshine to me. I loved the yellow daylily but this lily is my favorite at the moment. We are forecasted for stormy weather today but I was hoping it would start during the night, as far as I know it didn't. But maybe today. I do have to go in to town around four for my super duper white cell building shot. It's a big shot too! And I'm not usually a weanie for shots but get this, it burns when they give it and so they say if you take it in the stomach it won't burn. I've never had a shot in the stomach before, and I think I'll go for the arm, sting and all. We'll see.
I woke up super early but I am feeling well rested.

Yesterday I witnessed a lady finding out about her cancer and being told about her treatments and when they told her she'd lose her hair she busted out crying. The nurse gave her a hug and some info on where she could shop for hats and wigs. I felt so bad for her, but she'll soon realize it's just hair. And maybe she'll accept it soon, and concentrate on the fight she has on her hands. I hope for her she does. She had a supporting husband there with her and he'll help her.

Anyway, nothing much new here. Everyday gets me closer to where I want to be and that's the deal for now, one day at a time.

I hope this day is a good one for all of you,
Love,
Robbin

Message From the Universe


You needn't worry. There is time. You have all the time in the world. You preceded time and you will exist beyond it. Age is irrelevant; more meaningless than a number. Forever, Robbin, you have FOREVER. There is no dream you now have that you will not manifest. There is no challenge you now face that you will not crush and dispose of. There is no point in spending one more second of your awesome, amazing life, thinking anything to the contrary.
Olé,

The Universe

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I'd be Happy Dancing if I had the strength!

A really short post to let you know I did great with the new drug, my heart stayed strong, my breathing was great, my blood pressure stayed in a good place and I didn't have rashes or itches or nothing, so they didn't have to stop it and I feel great. Tired, very exhausted and off to bed soon, but just wanted you to know I'm great. Tomorrow I go back for a shot that super builds white blood cells, it has side effects we'll talk about them if I have them. Thanks for all your prayers and good wishes!! So far so good.
Love you all,
Robbin

I Forgot.....

...I wanted to share a lady's story that I met yesterday in Oncology. She saw the Dr. before I did. She was older than me, probably closer to 60 and she and her husband came out of the office smiling like crazy yet her husband had tears running down his face. I had just spoken to her a bit before but just chatted about how long we'd all had to wait and I didn't know of her condition. She had no hair and a cute yellow baseball cap on, (all of sudden I'm obsessed with hats). Anyway, when she sat back down in the recliner next to me and they started hooking her up she looked at me and said, "I just got wonderful news". She had cancer in the lining of her lung and it had moved to her liver. Hundreds of little legions. She'd been fighting it for six months and today she'd gotten the word from my wonderful Dr. that there is no sign of cancer in her body! I was so happy for her. They were giving her one more treatment for good measure, she was set to have several more, and after this one they would do one more CT and told her it would be as if she never had it at all. She had not had a bad time with her treatment at all either.
I am so happy for her and her husband. He is a lot older than her and you could just see in his eyes all the relief and all the love he had.
I love happy endings.
Have a good day everybody!

About Yesterday

Ok, yesterday was quite interesting. First of all the Dr. who comes from a nearby larger town was two hours late getting there. So by the time he came, he had around twenty people waiting. I've never seen more than five or six people in there at a time. The nurse told us we could if we wanted go ahead and eat lunch so we ate at the hospital and came back and he was there and we didn't have to wait too long. But in the meantime I had to go to xray because my port was acting not nice, and they wanted to make sure it was ok, it was.

I really like Dr. Neal. I had told the nurses about my fear that my kidneys weren't acting like they were suppose to and they'd already sent me for blood test, for my blood count and for the kidney function. So he assured me my kidneys were working good.. He asked me how I'd been feeling and I told him that actually I'd felt pretty good. I told him I was tired mostly but had only had a few days when I had felt really crappy. He said, "Oh, come on, you can tell me the truth" and I told him I Was, but he smiled at me and I said, "I told you I was tough!" and he said I know and you are! I had first told him I had to work and he had told me he didn't think so but I decided he knew more than me and I told him I had decided not to try to work and he told me he knew I'd decide that.

And he poked and prodded a little and listened to my heart and made sure my ankles weren't swelled and then here's the deal.

He is a young Dr. and he is constantly up on new studies. He starts off telling me about the study which I won't bore you with here and what he wants to do and what I've decided to let him do is to add another Drug to my treatment. I will take it by itself, every three weeks, the day after my normal treatment, starting today. It is Taxol which is commonly used but he's giving me a pretty good punch because he says I'm young (I love this guy) and strong and in good enough health to handle it and because I've got lots more years to live he thinks we should do all we can to make sure cancer does not recur.

This one has mostly the same side effects as the others but the one big thing is that it has caused an allergic reaction to enough people that they will put me on a heart machine, monitor my blood pressure and who knows what else while they give it to me today, and maybe every time, I'm not sure about that.

I asked him if he was determined to make me sick??? And he said he was determined to make me well, so what could I say? He is the Dr and I do trust him and so there it is. BUT the best thing about it is, if I respond well, there is a chance,, no promise but a chance that I won't have to have radiation at the end of this and that would be wonderful!

So, another surprise thrown at me, but one I'm not feeling too badly about.
I feel fine this morning, and I don't go back until one this afternoon. I'm taking all kind of pills to ward off the effects and I think this first jolt of chemo every time actually makes me feel good, but I'm weird you know.

I'm not under house arrest anymore, I will go in tomorrow and get a shot that super builds the white cells up and although I still have to be careful I can go and buy groceries and do shopping. So that is good.

SO, hang on it could be a bumpy ride but I seem to be hanging on for dear life and that's what I'm fighting for, DEAR LIFE!

Thanks for being there all of you.
I'll keep you posted.

Spreading the World

A few weeks ago I got an email from a lady named Valarie Bastek. Here's what it said:

Hi Robbin,

Very sorry to read about your health battles on your blog. However, your positive attitude is certainly an inspiration.

I am contacting you because I am currently working with the digene HPV Test, the only FDA approved HPV test in the United States. The test is approved for use in women age 30 and older in conjunction with a Pap, and only used if a Pap comes back abnormal. I've spoken with many bloggers and online contacts, and it is my understanding that women just don't know about the test. I was hoping that you would be willing to help spread awareness through an article or link on your site. We really believe that knowledge is power, and strive to create a site where women can learn from each other and draw inspiration from one another’s experiences. You can collect more information about our test on our Web site, http://www.theHPVtest.com. I can also provide you with cervical cancer survivor stories, fact sheets, etc. for publication on your site. Please let me know if you're interested. I hope to hear from you soon.
Best Regards,

Valarie

Please take the time out to read this article and spread the word of this test that so few women know about and Dr.'s aren't using. For years it seems like researchers didn't do much researching on gynocological cancers but they've come a long way so here's a new took to help protect yourself and your daughters. Although I didn't have cervical cancer I do know and have read about people who have and found out about it much too late.
Thanks,
Robbin

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Just checking In

Chellie, I forgot to tell answer back your comment so this paragraph is for you especially. I wore my new yard sale blouse which was white with green designs that matched my tote bag with almost the same design that Steph gave me for my birthday. I had my off white beanie cap on and my new dangle earrings and dark green pants on and a real Jade whale's tail necklace for luck that someone special gave me a long time ago. I was styling, I'm telling you and I wore make up even! And yes, I socialized. LOL.

I'm very tired, got home way late, after nine, (long story that I will blog about tomorrow, but I wanted everyone to know I'm ok, feeling good, my kidneys are working great and seem to be fine.

There is a change in plans which I will tell you all about tomorrow. Too tired tonight.

Thanks for all your good wishes and thanks for your prayers, keep'em coming.
Good night for now.

Off to see the Wizard


I'm so excited about getting to actually get in the car and go somewhere this morning which is really nuts considering where I've got to go. It's a big door inside the hospital that has the words "Oncology Department" on it. It's not a door that I think anyone would really like to go willingly, yet here I am, excited to see people. Excited to see my two nurses, and even the grouchy, unsmiling receptionist that works there. Excited to see my young Dr. who looks like he might be 30 but he is bald, shiny bald, and that strikes me as funny considering most of his patients are too, me included. I'm excited to see those vampires at the lab who never ever hurt me and know just how to draw the blood without causing me to want to scream.

Yep, I think I've lost it, but being stuck at home all week has made me a little stark crazy. Which in itself will strike the people who know me for real quite funny as they know I'm quite a loner and at any other time in my life would be quite content to stay home, alone, for a week.

Things are different, not normal for me, whatever that is now. My thoughts drift to places I don't want to go when I'm alone, and so I'd rather be listening to other people's talk, to their problems. I want to be where things are going on, even if it is a busy hospital, watching people do their jobs, even hooking me up to a drip of meds that affect my body in ways I've just begun to understand.

Would I rather be getting ready to go on a nice vacation to the beach? Would I rather be catching a plane to Washington? Would I rather be going on a picnic or the zoo? YOU bet, but I'll take what I got for the moment. It's called acceptance and if nothing else in the last few months I've learned a lot about that word. This is my world at the moment, and you know what? I'm able to walk on my two legs into that place, I've got a cute hat to cover my bald head, I've got family and friends that support me, and I am alive!

So, wish me luck, I'm hoping my blood count is good so we don't put this treatment off, I want them to happen and be over. I'm hoping all goes as well with this treatment as the one before and maybe, just maybe, this chemo is destroying what it is intended to destroy. And that I will accept gladly.

Have a good day!
Love,
Robbin

Monday, July 28, 2008

This and That

The thing about blogging when you've not really been out of your house except for a few times up to my mom's in almost a week is there is not a lot to share.
I watched a movie called "Reservation Road" that was good. A sad story (I can't seem to get a movie that doesn't touch on something that is happening to me, I guess that stuff makes good movies) but I also watched a cute movie called "Over Her Dead Body" light hearted and funny, although death was involved there too!
I am also reading a new Lu Anne Rice Book that centers around the death of a woman's 18 year old son. I promise I am not seeking these things out for that reason, it just happens
.
I have also become involved in a computer game that amazes me, it is a Virtual Village of people that you have to keep alive. You have to figure out how to get them food, how to train them in trades so that you'll have Dr's and Builders, and farmers. You can have babies, if you can get two people to like each other. It's funny, they go inside a hut and if it works, the woman comes out carrying a baby. It keeps my mind occupied but the thing is, you get kind of attached to these people and just like in real life they die! The game goes on even after you aren't playing, so sometimes you log on and you've lost some people. The villager's bury them and everything. It's amazing how far they've come with computer games since I first had my first computer ten years ago.

I don't know what to expect this week. Tomorrow I go to the Dr. and we'll see how my body is doing since the first treatment and we'll see if the plan to have the next one goes on. I am concerned about my kidneys, and although the antibotic I am thinking fought off an infection I want to make sure that they are not suffering in all this. My kidneys have always been the weakest link in my body, I had kidney stones at 22 and I've had a history of infections during my life. And now that I know more about what having Chemo does to me, I have questions for the Dr. that I didn't know to ask before.

Ok, so I've written a long post about really nothing here, but it's my life for the moment. Thanks for all ya'lls words of encouragment, for always being here to listen to me.

I hope for you all a very good Monday and a good rest of the week.
Love,
Robbin

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Looking out From my Chemo World

Ok, well I didn't come out too bad yesterday from my mom's Yard Sale Day. I got two blouses, (one I like, the other one, not so much). I got a pair of dangley earrings, since I've not made my own. And I got a denim baseball cap (caps are a part of my wardrobe these days). SO not anything I won't use at least.

I had a nice phone conversation with my granddaughter and my son on the phone. That's always good for my spirit. And we had a rainy afternoon here so I watched movies.
It's weird to explain how I feel. I don't feel all that great, I don't feel all that sick, I just feel weird. And no energy and well, I guess this is what it feels like to have chemo drugs in your body. But the last few days I feel my mind is sort of dull, my thoughts strange, I don't feel like myself. Maybe just my imagination.

This Tuesday, if all is ok with my blood I will have the second treatment.

Anyway, I've got a bad case of cabin fever and actually look forward to getting to go someplace on Tuesday. Even if I do have to have a chemo treatment. That's pretty sad I guess.
In many ways I feel like I'm just a bystander in the world right now. Everyone is living their lives and doing what it is they do. I am just here, peeking out in the world and really wanting to live my life too.

But then I remember that I've not had all that bad a time with this round and I'm grateful. I'm thankful that I will get through this and go on to live my life, where I want to. I am reminded that life has it ups and downs and I know I am strong. And I know that I'll have better days ahead.

It's a rainy day again today, I like rainy days. Hoping you all have a good and restful Sunday.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

NO more Stuff Please......


My mother and her sister got up this morning early, met for breakfast and then will go to all the Yard Sales they can find. I shudder to think what my mother will buy thinking I need. I have enough stuff and am trying hard not to add more because when I finally do get to move, I'm going to have to get rid of some of my own junk already. But anyway, I hope they have fun.

I had fish again last night at my parent's house. My step father grilled grouper again and I actually got it down quite nicely and feel good about getting fish in me.


No plans for me today, I have got involved in a new game on the computer. You see there's this little villiage of people who are trying to survive on an island and it is my job to make sure they learn how to do things and that they find food and build housing and wooo, it wears me out. I let one of them die, and they buried him and I felt so guilty, I think I may not play it
anymore!


I think Hot is the theme of the weather again today and so that means I'm inside for the day.

But my days seem to go by fast, I seem to fill the hours and this week seems to have flown by.


I'm hoping you all have a good weekend and get to do something fun.

Love,

Robbin

Friday, July 25, 2008

Friday Ramblings

I had a nice long night's sleep and I feel pretty good this morning. Of course I've not had coffee yet and I'm needing to get some going.

I finally got to watch one of movies yesterday, it was August Rush and it was very good, I enjoyed it. I also rented Alvin and the Chipmunks because I like the guy in it (Earl) and because I loved the Chipmunks as a kid. It was ok, a little silly but what did I expect? The next movie I have is "Reservation Road". It has Joaquin Phoenix in it, and I like him, so we'll see how it is, I'll watch it today.

Not much excitement around here, not much to talk about. I've ordered Haleigh some more of a series of books I got her started on called "Fancy Nancy". I can just order them from Amazon and have them sent to her. I'm going to try to get her the whole series and maybe she'll cherish them and save them like I did some of my books as a kid.

And so, we'll face another day and see how it goes.
Happy Friday to you all,
Love
Robbin

Thursday, July 24, 2008

A Poem I Wrote


There is a part of who I am more valuable than jewels .
It acts on its on without control, it follows no man's rules.
Free as an eagle, wild as the lion, it lives where it belongs.
Deeply embedded within me it dwells, this Spirit keeps me strong.

Never does it leave me nor let me down; always it sustains.
It shines through from the inside out and filters all the pains.
No matter what flesh and bones go through this part of me goes on.
And as of late it is this part of me I mostly rely upon.

It is able to soar as high as a dove in wide open spaces,
No matter what terrible things my physical body faces.
It stays strong long after my body is spent
This Spirit of mine shall never ever relent.

If you look closely you might catch a glimpse in my weary eyes.
It can never break or bend, no matter how hard Life tries.
No person or a thing can take away this strength I've found inside of me.
This Spirit of mine shall forever remain wild and strong and free.

In the Mailbox today.....

.....I got a sweet card from one of the girls at work. HI Loni! She reads my blog but never comments. The card was sweet and made me smile so thanks a bunch. I miss you guys.

It had a dandelion on the front (which is one of my most favorite things)and it says,

"From small beginnings come great things," and on the inside it said, "Little by little your dreams will blossom."

And she wrote me a sweet note. It was very special.

It is nice to get the cards and the ones I get are so special, like you know the person took the time out to find just the perfect words.

Thanks again Loni, I love ya!

The Battle Continues






Although I woke up yesterday thinking I felt better than the day before, the day actually turned out to be my worse day yet in this battle. But I fought back, after all, I am a warrior and my secret weapon? SLEEP. I pretty much slept all day, and all night too. I worried as I actually was thinking I was getting a kidney infection, I've had them often, though not for a few years now and dad gum it! NOW is not the time to have one. But with no defense methods working in my body, it was trying I think to sneak in.

I finally called the Nurse yesterday late in the afternoon and she asked me a lot of questions, did I have fever? Did I have pain? Was I able to pee? I had a little twinge of pain in my lower back but not bad, my temp did go up to 99 during the night and I was drinking enough water that peeing was not a problem.

I just ached like I had the flu and I was very weak. She decided that we'd wait and see if I felt better after the antibiotic kicked in which she said would around 24 hours, and that should have been around 4 o'clock yesterday afternoon. She told me if my temp went higher than 100.4, if I stopped peeing or if the twinge of pain in my lower back got worse to call them, even in the middle of the night. In the meantime she told me just to rest.

And so I did. Boy did I. I feel like I lost a whole day. At one point I woke up around nine o'clock last night and thought, "Great, I'll be up all night now" but nope, I slept another six hours in the recliner, got up and went to bed and woke up at 7:30. And though I'm still not 100%, I feel lots better.

The sad thing is yesterday morning I put a whole chicken in the crock pot, some brown rice and mushrooms and well, it kind of cooked way too long and I now have a whole pot of gooey rice and chicken cooked all to pieces and you have to pick the bones out before you can even begin to eat it and it taste terrible.

I feel strength today that I've not felt for the last two days and maybe all that sleep helped my white cells reproduce and they are hard at work. Thank you white cells, I need you now more than ever, little soldiers that you are. I can't fight this battle without them and so when they are down my spirit has to take over and I refuse to let Cancer or Chemo destroy that!

" Sleep is the best meditation. "
Dalai Lama

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The Fight is On! & Other Miscellaneous Thoughts


Got my war paint on this morning and doing my war dance. I am still not quite right, but feel better than I did yesterday. I feel a little more protected since starting the antibiotic, and I'm suppose to take my temp every few hours and so far so good with that. The magic number is 100.4 degrees, if it goes over that I am to call them.


I don't feel extremely bad, just don't feel good, lol. Dah, that probably make a lot of sense. I woke up very early this morning, five o'clock to be exact but I slept a lot yesterday.

And so here I sit, waiting for those white cells to reproduce themselves. My body is working hard, I can feel it and my Spirit is fighting even harder.


I've had three Netflix movies since sometime in May, and finally I sent them back so I'm getting three new ones today. So I'll have movies to watch.


My head is not smooth bald, still have hair, like a man's really short crew cut and I keep rubbing it, it feels weird. Both my sons shave their heads and I remember seeing them do that, rub their heads, now I understand why.. it feels weird!


I have all I need to make a pair of chandelier earrings. I might do that today.


I miss work, and the girls there and the Doctor there. I miss the customers, even the grouchy ones. I feel like I'm so useless to the world, like I'm contributing nothing much. That is why I need to get back to the jewelry making, at least maybe I'd feel like I'm accomplishing something.


I don't think I'm going to be able to be with my mother when my Stepfather has his surgery and I hate that. Of course by then, August 5th, I'll have had my second treatment which is on July 29th, so we'll see.


Anyhow......I hope you all have a good day. Keep those prayers and thoughts and good vibrations coming my way, I appreciate them so much you know.

Love,

Robbin




My Granddaughter, the Actress

Is she not the cutest thing you've ever seen? You can read all about it on Amy's Blog.
TAKE a good look at that face, it may show up on Broadway someday!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

MY White Blood Cells Under Attack



These are white blood cells. Usually about midway through your chemo treatment they reach their lowest count. And so mine are low at the moment. Not so low that I had to have that super duper shot that builds them back fast, but low enough where I'm under house arrest. No crowds, no stores, nowhere around kids.. I am a sitting duck for an infection. The Dr. has ordered an antibiotic to ward off anything that maybe starting up. I have strict orders to call my medical team day or night if my temp goes over 100 degrees, if I get chills, a sore throat, a cough. This is all normal, they assure me, and by next week they should be build themselves up again, those white blood cells and then you start all over again.

Also, during this time people seem to get weaker and depressed. Explains my tears yesterday perhaps and my very down in the dumps feeling today, but not to worry. It's happening just as it is suppose to, and hopefully it has already killed the right cells that are the evil cancer, or at least it is working on them.

So, not much pizazz today, but I'm ok. So very grateful I've done as well as I have and this is all part of it. If my cells weren't low that would mean the chemo isn't doing what it is meant to do.

And that's my report. I'm going to settle down with my new book, drink some hot tea, and be a good girl.

Can this all Really be for Real?


There are times when I feel as if I am living someone else's life. In reality of course I know this is my life and these challenges are mine. If I forget, all I have to do now is to look at myself in the mirror, or reach up to my left chest area and feel that port that is implanted right under the skin. AND that throws me back into what is going on here.


Jonathan loved movies, and if he saw one he thought I just had to see, he'd call me and tell me. And I would do the same with him. If he really liked a movie, he'd buy it, if he happened to be working and had money. He ended up with quite a collection and some of them he watched over and over.


I find myself now, when I watch a movie that I think he'd like, thinking "I wonder if Jonathan has seen this one?" and then of course I have to remember he hasn't.

He couldn't bare to watch movies where animals got hurt or mistreated. Even if I assured him it all worked out in the end, NO! He couldn't take it.


Even now, two months later, his death still doesn't feel all that real to me. It wasn't unusual at certain points in his life for us not to communicate for months at a time. It was usually when he was so unhappy, when he was in that dark cold place where he felt so all alone. But I knew I'd eventually hear from him, I knew always he was out there somewhere and I prayed a million prayers that he'd find peace and happiness, I never gave up hope.


So I have to constantly remind myself, he is no longer out there somewhere on this earth, that he won't just pop in, he won't text me those silly forwards from his phone. During these realizations, a great sadness overwhelms me, grips my heart so tightly that I can't breathe, hurts me physically down to my very soul. I don't expect that will ever go away.


I've never really been angry at him for taking his own life. I've been angry that he had to fight so hard all his life, I feel helpless that I couldn't help him more to fight those demons that showed up more than not. But I've never been angry at him. I still can't believe he is gone. Even now. Even though there's an Urn sitting on my shelf with his ashes. Matthew and I have plans for them when I get to Washington. I fear I'll forget what his voice sounded like. I know that every year on his birthday I'll think, "today he'd have been 32 or 35 or how ever many years I live, I'll think of how old he would have been." I know that I will never be the same in some ways. How can I be? I am now incomplete, I am missing a part of my self.


In a really weird way, going through grieving my son and fighting cancer at the same time is a blessing. It gives me the strength I need to get through the treatments and the testing and the sticking. Because compared to losing my son, it is really nothing. I've no doubt I'll get through this cancer thing and go on to live a lot more years, but I can't bring my child back. And that is the reality of my life.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Hair today.......Gone tomorrow

Actually it's gone now. Turns out my mom has a sinus infection which her Dr. told her was not contagious and so late this afternoon, we did it. We buzzed it. NO pictures, sorry, I'm not that brave, might scare you all away. But I'm not too freaked about it. It actually feels good. And I got a few cute hats and I ordered two more today so I'm fine. This way I got it before Chemo did, goodie, goodie, goodie!
It's raining here, believe it or not and although there could be bad thunder and lightening with it, I don't hear that part yet, but I do hear wonderful pitter patter of rain on my roof.
I wondered if Sweetie would bark at me when I came home, but she noticed nothing different or if she did, she was much too polite to let on.
I think I'm going to bed early, I didn't even start my new book. Maybe I'll do that now.

Matthew asked me if I looked like this:

And I lied and told him there was a strong resemblance between Demi and myself. (I don't think he believed me.)

I wish I looked like this,
Even Brittney looked good at her worse moments!












But in reality I look much more like this:





Anyway, I'm going now to look for that "Pesky Wabbit!" Just wanted you guys to know, I did it.
Goodnight, sweet dreams to you all.

Oh, and by the way, at least I have no lumps or bumps, there is a scar where I busted my head somewhere in my life..

I needed groceries and some other things from town, so I got myself up and ready early so I could get it done before the heat settles.. Today 100 degrees is the forecast and it will feel like 110. I'd like to be in Washington State right now for sure. It was in the fifties there this morning I know from a good source and that would feel nice.

And so I'm home now, my groceries put away, my chemo Nurse has called me, and all is well for now. My mother however is catching a cold so I'm staying clear of her. The last thing I need is a cold. The last thing SHE needs is a cold. She's not one to have them often but when she does they are BAD. She called the Dr. and has an appointment in hopes of getting something to help before it turns bad.

I had a bad headache last night and my Nurse seems to think its not a side effect at this point, probably just sinus ,since I told her it was pressure and she told me to take something for sinus today and we'll see if that stops it from happening again.

This morning I'm an emotional wreck. If it were still possible (it is just us girls here, isn't it?) I'd swear I was about to have my period. You know, where a commercial makes you cry? Yesterday I was finally able to sit and watch a movie all the way through. I've had three Netflix movies since before Jonathan died and one of them was " Things We Lost in the Fire." I had tried to watch it earlier but one of the first lines of the movie was about the pain of losing a son. So, OUT it came from the DVD player. But I did watch it yesterday and I cried all the way through it, but it was a good movie. Not that I needed a good reason to cry at all.

I also splurged while ago and bought a new book by LuAnne Rice that I hope to get into. I've not been able to read either. Since I don't have my mother to play with this week, I got to do something. AND.......I want to make jewelry. So who knows, I might do that too.


And so that is just my rambling today. I have to go back to town in the morning for the weekly drawing of blood, but other than that, I'm just chillin' or trying to in 100 degree weather. Thank goodness for A/C, I can't imagine surviving this without it.

OH, and a report on the hair, I still have it. I have lost another little patch, my mother found it in her travel trailer, but at least I got through the family reunion with it. I'm thinking the buzz cut is coming. Soon. At least my head will be cool!

Have a good day you all!
Love,
Robbin

I Got Sent a Rainbow




One night last week when I came home from the Campground late, I was tired and ready to just fall into bed. There was a package there on my porch however from one of the sister stores of the company that I work for. It was from the manager and her employees of a store. The manager I know well, I've never met her employees at all.
Inside the bag was a big bag, (41 ounces) of Skittles. The card said, "Remember after the rain there is a Rainbow. " When you opened up the card it said, "And if I have to - I'll come over and paint the darn thing on your ceiling!!!"
It cracked me up. Denise (the manager) wrote me a note and told me she just wanted to give me a smile, which she did, but then her employees, each wrote me a little rainbow note as well.
Like, "Taste the Rainbow", and "We'll paint with all the colors of the wind and have your bedroom tasting of Skittles."
Very sweet and made me smile big too. Skittles anyone?
'

Sunday, July 20, 2008

A Good Time


Today, I'm not leaving home. I've had such a good time for the last three days but I am very tired and am going to be very lazy today.
The meal for the reunion was at noon yesterday and although the Camp Kitchen was air conditioned, it was hot and crowded in there, (we had a really good turn out) and so I fixed my plate and went outside to eat along with some others that did the same thing. After I ate I walked just a little distance to where one of my cousins was (at the playground). There was a bench and I sat there for a minute, in the shade and when I got up, my world was spinning. I thought it would get better but it didn't and I had to go to my Mom's trailer and lie down for a bit. I just got too hot before I realized it I guess.

Before long one of my cousins came to see about me, and then another and then before long, we had our own little private reunion together. The three sisters are our mothers and we can all relate because some of their ways , well really a lot of their ways are alike.

I think they worried we were plotting against them, lol as one of or other of them kept opening the camper door and just sticking their heads in checking on us, just like they did when we were kids. Cracked me up. We're in our late 30's and late 40's and I am the oldest at 51 but of course we are still those little kids to them.

I had the best time, my mother and her sisters may have a hard time getting along but we've always loved each other, and although we've all gotten busy with our lives and don't see each other like we should, we can usually catch up quickly. We always promise to stay in touch better but somehow we don't. I wish we would.

Anyway, everyone will leave this morning but I won't be out there so I had to say my goodbyes last night and by the time I got home, I have never been so tired. I know now what they mean by Fatigue. It's different from just being tired. But I had a good sleep, woke up way to early which is beginning to be my habit but there is a few naps in my future for today.

I hope you all have a good and peaceful Sunday.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Reunion Day

Well, today's the big day. The meat has been smoked and chopped, salads are made, desserts are made and Watermelons arrived straight from the field. Decorations were being put up as I left last night.
The last few days have been filled with lots of commotion, laughter and love. I've been able to spend time favorite cousins

I've had my mom's camper to go to when I needed to take a break and rest and we're ready for the extended family to arrive. We're expecting around fifty or sixty people.
That one Aunt,
(that perhaps everyone has?) has even been nice and helpful and treated both her sisters with respect and love. That has not always been the case with her. But she is being a really good girl so far. (She is the younger of the three sisters.)

I've been good, just very tired after I come back home but able to sleep well and start all over the next morning. I haven't been much help to them in the preparations, I wanted to, I could have, but they won't let me. But then again I'd have missed some of the best moments if I'd been part of all that work they were doing.



Have a good day to you all and I'll report back tomorrow.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Good Morning

I've got some catching up to do this morning on responding to my comments on my other posts, I read this last night but when I got home, I was tired, but tired in a good way. I had a really good day yesterday.
MY mom, in her retirement, and not being the kind of person who didn't want to work, if not for just the money, but just for the satisfaction of being out and around people, over sees a KOA Campground and that's where our reunion will be held on Saturday. And so she and my Step father are out there in their travel trailer and also her sister and his husband and numerous cousins of mine. Just sort of Us, yesterday, the family I am closest to.

Like I've said before our family is sponsoring the reunion this year, and so they've come in to to all the preparations ready. The men spend most of the afternoon going after a pig that had been butchered and then preparing it for the smoker where it has filled the air of the campground with wonderful smells all night.

The women, not really able to prepare what we're planning as it is a little early, didn't do much cooking. I made a pasta salad and my mom baked a few cakes, things like that, but mostly we just visited and had a good day. MY cousin's daughter, a 15 year old cutie pie was my constant companion. I enjoyed her company, sometimes teenage girls that age think I'm really cool because, well, I think because I'm just an old hippy at heart, usually very interested in how they see the world and I'm just a "little" different in the way I perceive things. Plus I helped her fix her laptop and of course I can text on the cell phone with the best of them! Oh, well not that fast but she was fun to be with. And she helped me with my pasta salad and we talked and giggled and had lots of fun.

It was after ten before I came back home and I was tired. And I even slept until almost eight this morning, and so that is much better than getting up at 4:30.

This morning I will go back out there and more major cooking will take place. We're having supper cooked tonight not only for us but for others that will be arriving, most of them staying in town at a hotel but if any want to come out and eat with us, we'll get word to them. These are the more distant relatives such as my Mama's Dad's sister's children who have great grandkids by now. The people you know are kin to you but that you don't really know that well.

So, there you go. My teenage sidekick will ditch me in a heartbeat today as she has cousins coming in that are her age. And that's ok, I have my own aged cousins coming in too and I'll enjoy visiting with them.

And then tomorrow is the big Shindig!
So, that's what is going on with me.
Steph and Chris, my best friend and her husband often go out to the KOA to swim in the afternoons and they did yesterday so Steph and I got a little visit in. And I got to see little Robbin whom I've not seen in a while. I got a picture of them in the pool.
I'll get more pictures today. Here's my mom, too.



In one of the rare sightings of her being still.

And so that's about all I have to report for now. I'm moving slow this morning and probably won't get back out there until late morning.

Hoping you all have a nice weekend.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

The Moon Woke Me



Ok, not really, but it was shining bright and yellow in my bedroom window and so almost full this morning at 4:30 when my eyes suddenly opened and I was up for the day. I tried to go back to bed, but after an hour or so, it was no use. I went to sleep pretty early and I guess I'm done sleeping. So, even though my camera in no way is able to get a shot of the moon, well, I just had to try and got that one over there which isn't very good, but you can see how orange it is. I love the moon.

For the next few days I will be busy with family reunion stuff, helping out and visiting with family that have come in early to help, my mother's immediate family , who's throwing the whole shindig this year. They are out at the Campground today. I'll drive out later this morning and watch my mother flitter around like a mad woman. She makes me nervous and I get in her way, but so is the way it is with the two of us. I'm hoping this year and I've asked her to let her sisters to things, but they do things different from the way she does and she just can't help herself, it is who she is.
Anyhow......that's about it for my life right now. CAN you believe how good I feel? I wish you knew how good I feel. I'm afraid to say it too loud or too much. And I know as more of the chemicals get into my body things will get harder but my goodness! What a blessing this time. And a blessing I do not take for granted. So far, no more hair has fallen out, just that little weird patch in front, I'm wearing a base ball cap during the reunion and not worrying about it for now. Next week, we'll think about buzzing it. I'm determined to do it myself before the chemo does it, gives me a sense of power over it or something weird like that.
Anyway, the moon has passed over now and the sun is preparing to rise, maybe I'll see that too, the moon and the sun in the same morning, what a gift that is.
I'm anxious to spend time today with one of my favorite cousins that I grew up with. He and I are only a few years apart. He's faced lots of challenges in his own life but his humor always makes me feel good and we never get to see each other much. I think he is going fishing today though darn it! I want to go fishing! I can't for fear I'll get sunburned. But I could sure use an afternoon sitting in a boat in the middle of a pond fishing. I've not gone fishing for years!
And so, I'll end for now, if you're still with me, lol. I'm rambling here, nobody here to listen to my mind go on and on. Even Sweetie is still asleep.
I hope for each of you a wonderful day.
I'm really excited to have somewhere to go and something to do and to be around people this weekend.
Love,
Robbin

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I Got an AWARD!


Linda, over at Vulture Peak passed this thoughtful award along to me and I'm so proud. I told you about her yesterday, she in fact made the theme of my whole day be COLOR yesterday.
And like I said, she is always checking on me and her page, well, it just makes you feel good without even reading a word.
Anyway, I am honored to get it, and the rules are to pass it on to seven or more bloggers that you admire. It's a good way to share blogs, and to meet other bloggers that you made have not found. Linda included the rules on her page if you'd like to follow them and give the award to someone on your blogroll.
I am going to pass it on to a group of people that have meant so much to me lately, and like Linda says, feel no obligation to do anything with it, just know it is sent to you in the spirit that I think you are all wonderful women.
But............my feelings might get hurt just a little if you don't display it proudly!
Linda and I share a few of the same blogs and she included them on her page, so check them out for sure, but here are mine.


Chellie at The Dolphin Cove
:
Chellie and I have been friends for a long time now, and we've shared ups and downs and downs, lol. We both faced major surgery, we both survived. We think alike in many ways and her heart is as big as they come and she is Real and that's always what attracts me about people. Chellie, thanks for always being with me and there for me. Chellie and I have even spoken on the phone and there is only one other blogger I've done that with, and if both of these Ladies knew how shy I am to talk to people on the phone, then they'd really appreciate how much I love them even more. (although once on and I heard Chellie's voice, well, she had me at hello, what can I say? ) I know Chellie's future is so bright, I have a feeling, have had for some time that something really special is coming her way soon. Sometimes you just know these things.


Tammy at The Daily Warrior
:
This is the only other wonderful friend I've spoken to on the phone, she tricked me into it because I emailed her for an opinion on something and she told me she'd email me back but I'd wear her little finger out typing, so I gave in and talked to her just yesterday. And like with Chellie, I knew how much putting a voice with that person made me feel. And I know we'll have lots of other conversations and I know this for sure, and laugh if you want, I know for sure this woman is going to be a part of my life forever. And in person too. Just wait for that post on my blog, you'll see. Sometimes you just know these things. This I know. (sorry Tammy, you're stuck with me)
Tammy came out of what seems like nowhere to me and was at my side right when I needed her the most. She lives as a Warrior and from the start she made it clear that was what I needed to do too, and she was going to help me. She spent a day with what she called, "a Robbin blog reading day" and caught up with just who I was and from that, she knew me, just like that! At first when she emailed me and said, look what we have in common!, I was impressed but then when I read her blog, sometimes I felt like I was reading my own words. Anyway, if you've not visited her , please do, her story is something, but SHE is the reason her story is so inspirational. A Real true person, a real true heart of
Gold. Plus she is an excellent and talented writer. Her poetry is wonderful and she wrote me my very own poem that is on my sidebar! Forever. (with Dave's flowers of course).


Amy at Embracing Change
: What can I say, she is my daughter in law? But without being bias, I can assure you she writes so well and her outlook in life in general is something to embrace. She and I are kindred spirits and that's pretty cool when you're like that with your son's wife. There you can catch glimpses of my BEAUTIFUL grandchild, my VERY handsome son and learn a little about their lives in the Pacific Northwest. Amy is a talented singer and actress on the side, good enough to do it professionally really! But for now she does it on the side and is teaching my grandchild all she can about the joy of being artistic and true to herself. Love you Amy!


(Geez, sorry I'm writing a book here, but I'm not kidding you about these
people. )


Marge at Road Sage
:
You may have noticed that my friend Marge just lost her mom, so I know she will not see this for a while but I still wanted her to have it. She has become a cheerleader in my corner. Not a day or night or sometimes both goes by that she doesn't check on me. She comes from a family whose roots are so deeply embedded in family love that it amazes me. She and her husband retired a few years back and toured the country in a RV. She has bunches of grandchildren whom she loves and adores and she is such a calming sweet spirit for me to have around. Though I've only just met her here, I feel I've known her always. So, Marge, I love you and I'm thinking of you and know how much I care.



Mary at Pathways
:
Mary is a very new friend, I've been visiting her for a little while now, I kept going back for just a nice homey family feeling. She loves her children and the time she spends with her grandchildren is precious to her. Mary offers me encouragement and lets me know she is thinking of me in sweet, short, comments. Her husband Harry, has live reef tanks where he grow things like Coral and other stuff. Search her blog for amazing pictures.



Becca at Becca's Byline
:
This is a new friend to me too. Becca is a writer in the true sense of the word (and a teacher too, please don't get on to me for using sense if it were suppose to be since or since, I could never get that.) Her thought provoking posts keep me thinking long after I've left her and I'm just now getting to know the special soul she is. She checks on me too, offering me encouragement and special thoughts. I look forward to getting to know her better.



Shirley at Meemaw Bake's Memories
: Now, Shirley is so funny to me. There are mornings when her posts crack me up and it is always, always, something you can relate to. Her family is very important to her too. She lives her life really and truly as a Christian woman, enjoying her church family and friends. She pokes fun at herself but I think she is pretty special. She's been with me every step of the way through my deal here and I will never forget the day I had my first chemo she told me she had a yellow sticky note on her computer at work with my name on it so she prayed for me every time she saw it. How's that for a friend? I know I gave you one award, but you needed another one so there!



The rules weren't that you had to say something about the people you wanted to honor but this was my opportunity to put you all in the same room sort of and let you know how special each one of you are to me. Whether you made a comment or you just read or I read something you wrote, it didn't matter. I read so many blogs where people are trying too hard to be cute or funny or caring and it just doesn't come off very well, but all of you, every single one of you are Real and have qualities that I admire. So, sorry to get mushy here, but it is true. You've all carried me from step to step, from day to day each one in your own special way. And for that I thank you all.


Special note to Aisling: Linda got you first but you know how high up you rate with me. And thank you for my new desk top, he is happy there and makes me smile!

For my dear Friend Marge.
Though miles separate us my dear friend,
Please somehow feel me there with you.

Just me Rambling

The pattern of my experience so far, this week has been this. I wake up feeling great. That first cup of coffee only helps. My mind is clear, my spirits are high and I am so thankful that so far my body is handling things this well. I do some things that I must be done, in ways of housework and such, I learned early this is not the time to take on any big projects. I usually can't eat breakfast for at least a few hours but I do eat usually cereal or something like that and then as the day progresses I try to take a few walks, very short ones, in the cool of the morning, and in the late, late afternoon. Around eight o'clock in the evening I get what this week has become a familiar feeling of heaviness. It's not that I feel weak, or even tired. Those are not the right words. It's that all of a sudden, my neck feels like it can't hold my head up. And my shoulders feel the strain from my neck and head, and my torso feels the strain, well you get the picture. I feel like I can move only in slow motion. Sitting down doesn't help, lying down doesn't help. I am usually not sleepy at this point, but sleep does help, and so I usually just go to bed and do sleep and the next morning I wake up without the feeling.

Considering how badly I could feel, and what a bad time some people do indeed have, this is a small price to pay. I wish so badly everyone that goes through Chemo could get through the first one like this. I really wish nobody ever had to get Cancer at all. But the truth is they do, even little children and when I think of that it really breaks my heart.

Although I know there have been great strides made in Cancer Research I'm beginning to understand there is still so much the Doctors and Scientists do not know. Sometimes treatment is a shot in the dark, a guessing game, sometimes the treatment is worse than the disease.. it is unpredictable and I was told from the beginning when you have cancer you are always a cancer patient, always! Even if you are at some point considered Cancer Free. IT plagues you forever, there's always that chance it will show up again, somewhere, anywhere. That's a lot to have to face.

I don't spend any specific amount of time thinking about all of this. My focus for now is to get through this and to go on with the next part of my life living where and around the people that I need the most and that need me. I've no doubt that will happen. The road there will not be easy but seldom are the best things in life so easy to get to.

The lessons I'm learning here with all of this, including the heartbreak of losing a child, are lessons that will help guide me through the rest of the journey. There are people that have come into my life because of this that I will cherish forever. I have insight on things that I may have never had, had this not happened to me. Am I glad I had to go through this? NO! Am I scared of what lies ahead? Yes. Would I trade places with anyone else in the world? NO, I wouldn't because this is Me, the same Me I've known all my life. I'm a work in progress and I'm not done yet.

So onward I travel, and somehow, somewhere along the way, it is my hope, my dream, my desire to be of service to someone else. If this opportunity allows me to indeed learn lessons that others before me have learned, I want to be able to share the knowledge. Every time one of us reaches out to someone else the world becomes a better place. Every single little tiny bit of kindness shown, be in tiny or monumental makes a difference. The world is altered, it becomes the world it is meant to be. This I know for sure. We need each other. Plain and simple.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

At Least I am Singing!


All day, since this morning I've had an earworm of a song that I had no idea why I was singing it and then it suddenly hit me. It was the Title of my post this morning, "Looking for Colors"

And for some odd reason here's the song I'm singing in my head over and over:


"I was looking for love in all the wrong places

Looking for love in too many faces

Searching your eyes, looking for traces Of what..

I'm dreaming of...

Hopin' to find a friend and a lover

God bless the day I discover Another heart, lookin' for love"


Go figure!
But that reminded me of an old Perry Como Song called,

" The Colors of My Life"
and I looked it up and decided what pretty lyrics it had.

"The colors of my life, are bountiful and bold!

The purple glow of indigo, the gleam of green an’ gold!

The splendor of a sunrise, the dazzle of a flame,

The glory of a rainbow, will put ‘em all to shame!

No quiet browns or grays, I’ll take my days instead,

And fill them ‘till they overflow, with rose and cherry red!

And should this sunlit world, grow dark one day,

The colors of my life, will leave a shining light, To show the way!

No quiet browns and grays,

I’ll take my days instead,

And fill them ‘till they overflow, with rose and cherry red!

And should that sunlit world, grow dark one day,

The colors of my life, will leave a shining light,

The colors of my life will light the way! "

Can you tell that I'm bored?
I couldn't find the songwriters of either of these songs or I would have certainly credited them but Waylon Jennings sung a version of the first one and like I said, Perry Como, The Colors of my Life.

......and speaking of the Colors of my Life,

I've had a fairly Colorful morning. I woke up feeling Fantastic, I bugged my best friend on Instant messenger just when I knew she would be on our infamous "Conference Call" with our boss at work. We both always dread it and now, poor thing, she has to be on every Tuesday instead of me. So, I thought, when I saw her sign on the computer, I'd try to make her smile a little, she's having a hard time right now, I want to wave a magic wand and make it better, but I can't so I figured I'd distract her a little from our boss's voice talking about...well, the things a bosses talks about. In our case, sales, doing things correctly by company policy, that lovely stuff.

We chatted for a bit and then I had to get ready to go to town, to the hospital, to get blood drawn. In the shower, I washed my hair and then I got out, and albeit I don't have much hair, because of my mother's shears, as I dried what is left, I kept seeing more scalp than hair. I kept picking at it with my fingers, trying to get it to plump up. NO cigar! I then yanked on it and nothing, it was all intact, but then I decided to check the drain, and TADA~ Hair! Seems a bit has washed out, right in front no less.

So, ok, I get to wear a hat~ I got a really cute one from Walmart that comes down pretty low for when I am totally bald and I tied a yellow ribbon around it and off I go to the Oncology Department, thinking how cute I am, and OH, so fashionable. So, all goes well. I see my Nurse for a minute or two, talk about a little sore throat I've had off and on, they give me the paperwork, I got to the lab and do the deed and then I take my blood back to the Oncology Rooms.

I have a few errands to run, and since I'm feeling so great I do those, still really cute and fashionable. I am completely and utterly at peace with myself, all the other people I come in contact with and the world in general. Life is good.

I get a bite to eat, drive back to the country. I bring in my bag from shopping and notice the air is not on. Ummm. Ok, this time of year the power will go off and on sometimes, people using the A/C so much. I don't get too upset. After a while I start trying to remember if I did mail my light bill. And then I know I did. I look it up in my check book, and yep, there's where I wrote it down, check # 1058, last week, the 9th. But then I get the actual bill receipt out and it says, "CUT OFF DATE JULY 15, 2008".

Ummm. Ok, I know I mailed it. I remember because that was the day my mom helped me match receipts of the hospital bills and what the insurance had paid, I wrote a number of checks that day. AND MAILED THEM!

There are two things I do know about our County Power Commission. Their cut off date is TRUE. (Believe me, I know this) and they never leave a notice that they've done it. It bugged me and so I just had to jump in the car and just see for myself if my mother had power. She is not home but I can still check.
Sure enough, she has power!
So, I called the Power company, "yep" the guy just cut it off for non payment. The lady was nice, told me to call the bank and see if it had cleared, and then have them to fax it to her front and back. OK, I say, sweating now, and getting a little stressed.

The bank lady, very nice, but no check. So, my mother is in town, I called and asked her to go by and pay it again for me. I have to go through it all again with her, just to hear her say, "You paid that, I saw you when you wrote the check!"
Yes, but... they have no check, the bank has no check and I have no AIR! It would cost me a bunch to stop payment on the check, and the Power Commission will just credit it if it comes. I did have to pay a $15.00 re connection fee which ticks me off a little, buy oK, whatever, I just got to have AIR!

So, here I sit, on my mom's porch, where there is a cool breeze at the moment waiting for one of the power guy (who is having lunch) to come and restore my power. And yes, I know what he's thinking, "Why don't people just pay their bills!"

I could go inside the house here, but it is feeling good to me here right at the moment. There are birds singing and grass growing and I'm still feeling fantastic. And guess what? Life is still pretty good.

Looking for Colors

Recently I've made a new friend here. She has supported me from the start I think of when I first lost Jonathan, or soon afterward. She checks on me faithfully, she is funny at times, she is having a hard time with medical issues and has had for sometime now. She is an Artist. Just to go to her page usually makes me feel better, whether there's a new post or not.
This morning she features a painting for her granddaughter that you just got to see. It is beautiful in so many ways, full of love and care, a project that at times she did not feel well enough to work on, but she kept going, and all I can say is it is just awesome.
My son Jonathan was an artist. We listed that on his obit as the first thing that described who he was. He never sold a painting or a drawing, his work is mostly nowhere to be found now, except his childhood drawings that I could manage to keep. Some people didn't understand why I would describe him as an Artist but that's because they didn't know. He never thought he was. If he could have learned to take his feelings, his demons, his fears, his joys, his mixed up insides and to put them on something tangible to keep, I could have shown you what an artist there was inside of him. But his concentration wasn't there for that. Plus he thought his paintings or drawings were nothing.
How wrong he was. He painted and drew constantly inside his soul. And I knew it and so therefore, he was an artist.
For a while a couple of years ago, he and I spent a lot of time together. He was crushed about his pending divorce, he was just so lost, and I bought him an easel, all kinds of charcoal pencils, water paint, oil paints, and a surfaces for him. My idea was if he could get back into it, he would maybe get some therapy from it.
He did do that for a while. And somewhere out there, those pieces exists, I hope.. When he moved on, he took them with him. None of them were returned to us and I can't say for sure he didn't destroy them, which he may have but in my heart, I like to think they are out there somewhere. Maybe someday someone will come across one and frame it and it will be special to them, even though they have no idea his story.
So, anyway thank you Linda, for sharing your work and I'm so glad you are a part of my world now. Thank you for bringing your colors in my life when I am searching for any grasp of color I can get.

Monday, July 14, 2008

A Little Lesson Learned

I've had a really good day, full of nothing very productive, at least not in the physical way, but very emotionally Good.. first I get an Email that cracks me up and makes me laugh right out loud, real loud. I'm learning to really laugh you see. Maybe a giggle before, or a little smile, but I want to see real humor and I want to laugh REAL laughter.
And so I did.
Then I went to the mailbox and I had a card from my best friend's Mom, and it was a very special one and a wonderful little handwritten note, and it made me know she was thinking of me and that made me feel good.
I spent some time with my mother, to break the day up, and she filed my all of a sudden long nails and put a coat of clear shiny fingernail polish on them, so I am shiny! Or at least my fingernails are.
And then, I got the most special phone call from one of the most special people I know, and that made my DAY!
SO, see, you don't have be accomplishing THINGS to have a good day. Some times it's enough to just recieve Things. And for me it is a lesson I'm learning.

And so a New Week Begins

I'm glad to report this morning that I feel pretty good. And the reason is, well, I wasn't so sure I was going to feel so fine today. I sort of had a bad night, not real bad, but perhaps a little reminder that my body is experiencing some thing.
It started before I went to sleep last night, a hard thing to explain, I didn't hurt, I didn't ache or feel weird, I just didn't feel RIGHT or good. And so I went to bed and after some time went to sleep and slept but when I woke at five thirty, that feeling was still there, just sort of a "I don't feel good" thing, and so I went back to sleep and when I woke again at eight, I am fine.
SO, ok, I can live with that.
Could be just that fatigue thing they keep warning you about, could be I did a little too much yesterday, I really didn't do that much, could be it was just what it was.
I'm just so on ALERT right now with my body I guess, and it could be I just didn't feel good. LOL. I make a lot of sense here don't I?
Anyway, I had a lovely dream of me working, only I didn't work in a little optical shop, I dreamed that I was running a huge Department Store and man you should have seen me, I was something to behold, I was solving problems going and coming. (Believe me, this is not a dream I have) and so I worked all night and it was good.
And so we start a new week. My family is scrambling and gathering to get ready for this Reunion for the weekend, the sisters (my mom and her siblings) are already trying to out do each other with some recipe that is going to knock people out, and so I'll just be here to lend a hand, to stir a pot or to cut a potato or whatever.
Should be an interesting week for sure.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

With things so hot and dry here, nothing much exciting is blooming but then that doesn't mean you can't still take a stroll and see what you can see. This morning, Sweetie and I had a place in mind where there is fruit bearing like crazy! A fruit that I didn't care much for as a child but one that I've learned to love. We got out early, while the grass was still very wet with dew, but it is going to be very hot again today so it was our opportunity.
It was around eight thirty and the sun is blazing already but the humidity not so bad. And with my fake Crocks, the dewey wetness felt very good to my feet.
There's nothing much in my yard except overgrown shrubbs and grass, but LOOK, there are tiny little pecans growing on my pecan trees.
We keep walking toward my mom's house where that big old family Fig tree is. And it is going nuts or FIGS I guess I should say. SO we have a second breakfast right off the tree. Sweetie eats them too!
This is the big tree itself. It is from a clipping, I've said before from my mother's grandfather's tree that she ate off from a child.
And here's the lucious fruit that by the way has great health benefits, if you want to read about them here.
My Step Father's upside down tomato plants didn't work out, they broke off but he got some more and are growing them right side up and they are looking great. He has a marigold plant in each one to prevent the bugs.
My mom has this Hydrangea that is sort of a weird color right now. IT is not the prettiest right now, almost dried up, but you can still see the color.
This is just the front of the property that shows the pines. It was beautiful to me this morning.
And then we walked back home through the wooded little path and watched for anything we could see, but it was just pretty woods.
And of course, Sweetie had to stop around some junk to search for Lizards, her favorite sport. My mother would be horrified to know I posted this picture which is at the barn between her and my house, but it is just JUNK that my Step father has , And sweetie thinks its a great place to find Lizards..
Thanks to Aisling for inviting us to always join her on Sundays, don't forget to visit her and to join in if you want. Happy Sunday to you all.