Thursday, July 31, 2008
Though my friend Tammy is taking a blogging break, I know she is still reading and the Crepe Myrtles are for her because I know she likes them.
This is called a Balloon Flower. I love the color
I woke up super early but I am feeling well rested.
Yesterday I witnessed a lady finding out about her cancer and being told about her treatments and when they told her she'd lose her hair she busted out crying. The nurse gave her a hug and some info on where she could shop for hats and wigs. I felt so bad for her, but she'll soon realize it's just hair. And maybe she'll accept it soon, and concentrate on the fight she has on her hands. I hope for her she does. She had a supporting husband there with her and he'll help her.
Anyway, nothing much new here. Everyday gets me closer to where I want to be and that's the deal for now, one day at a time.
I hope this day is a good one for all of you,
You needn't worry. There is time. You have all the time in the world. You preceded time and you will exist beyond it. Age is irrelevant; more meaningless than a number. Forever, Robbin, you have FOREVER. There is no dream you now have that you will not manifest. There is no challenge you now face that you will not crush and dispose of. There is no point in spending one more second of your awesome, amazing life, thinking anything to the contrary.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
I am so happy for her and her husband. He is a lot older than her and you could just see in his eyes all the relief and all the love he had.
I love happy endings.
Have a good day everybody!
I really like Dr. Neal. I had told the nurses about my fear that my kidneys weren't acting like they were suppose to and they'd already sent me for blood test, for my blood count and for the kidney function. So he assured me my kidneys were working good.. He asked me how I'd been feeling and I told him that actually I'd felt pretty good. I told him I was tired mostly but had only had a few days when I had felt really crappy. He said, "Oh, come on, you can tell me the truth" and I told him I Was, but he smiled at me and I said, "I told you I was tough!" and he said I know and you are! I had first told him I had to work and he had told me he didn't think so but I decided he knew more than me and I told him I had decided not to try to work and he told me he knew I'd decide that.
And he poked and prodded a little and listened to my heart and made sure my ankles weren't swelled and then here's the deal.
He is a young Dr. and he is constantly up on new studies. He starts off telling me about the study which I won't bore you with here and what he wants to do and what I've decided to let him do is to add another Drug to my treatment. I will take it by itself, every three weeks, the day after my normal treatment, starting today. It is Taxol which is commonly used but he's giving me a pretty good punch because he says I'm young (I love this guy) and strong and in good enough health to handle it and because I've got lots more years to live he thinks we should do all we can to make sure cancer does not recur.
This one has mostly the same side effects as the others but the one big thing is that it has caused an allergic reaction to enough people that they will put me on a heart machine, monitor my blood pressure and who knows what else while they give it to me today, and maybe every time, I'm not sure about that.
I asked him if he was determined to make me sick??? And he said he was determined to make me well, so what could I say? He is the Dr and I do trust him and so there it is. BUT the best thing about it is, if I respond well, there is a chance,, no promise but a chance that I won't have to have radiation at the end of this and that would be wonderful!
So, another surprise thrown at me, but one I'm not feeling too badly about.
I feel fine this morning, and I don't go back until one this afternoon. I'm taking all kind of pills to ward off the effects and I think this first jolt of chemo every time actually makes me feel good, but I'm weird you know.
I'm not under house arrest anymore, I will go in tomorrow and get a shot that super builds the white cells up and although I still have to be careful I can go and buy groceries and do shopping. So that is good.
SO, hang on it could be a bumpy ride but I seem to be hanging on for dear life and that's what I'm fighting for, DEAR LIFE!
Thanks for being there all of you.
I'll keep you posted.
Very sorry to read about your health battles on your blog. However, your positive attitude is certainly an inspiration.
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Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I'm very tired, got home way late, after nine, (long story that I will blog about tomorrow, but I wanted everyone to know I'm ok, feeling good, my kidneys are working great and seem to be fine.
There is a change in plans which I will tell you all about tomorrow. Too tired tonight.
Thanks for all your good wishes and thanks for your prayers, keep'em coming.
Good night for now.
I'm so excited about getting to actually get in the car and go somewhere this morning which is really nuts considering where I've got to go. It's a big door inside the hospital that has the words "Oncology Department" on it. It's not a door that I think anyone would really like to go willingly, yet here I am, excited to see people. Excited to see my two nurses, and even the grouchy, unsmiling receptionist that works there. Excited to see my young Dr. who looks like he might be 30 but he is bald, shiny bald, and that strikes me as funny considering most of his patients are too, me included. I'm excited to see those vampires at the lab who never ever hurt me and know just how to draw the blood without causing me to want to scream.
Yep, I think I've lost it, but being stuck at home all week has made me a little stark crazy. Which in itself will strike the people who know me for real quite funny as they know I'm quite a loner and at any other time in my life would be quite content to stay home, alone, for a week.
Things are different, not normal for me, whatever that is now. My thoughts drift to places I don't want to go when I'm alone, and so I'd rather be listening to other people's talk, to their problems. I want to be where things are going on, even if it is a busy hospital, watching people do their jobs, even hooking me up to a drip of meds that affect my body in ways I've just begun to understand.
Would I rather be getting ready to go on a nice vacation to the beach? Would I rather be catching a plane to Washington? Would I rather be going on a picnic or the zoo? YOU bet, but I'll take what I got for the moment. It's called acceptance and if nothing else in the last few months I've learned a lot about that word. This is my world at the moment, and you know what? I'm able to walk on my two legs into that place, I've got a cute hat to cover my bald head, I've got family and friends that support me, and I am alive!
So, wish me luck, I'm hoping my blood count is good so we don't put this treatment off, I want them to happen and be over. I'm hoping all goes as well with this treatment as the one before and maybe, just maybe, this chemo is destroying what it is intended to destroy. And that I will accept gladly.
Have a good day!
Monday, July 28, 2008
I watched a movie called "Reservation Road" that was good. A sad story (I can't seem to get a movie that doesn't touch on something that is happening to me, I guess that stuff makes good movies) but I also watched a cute movie called "Over Her Dead Body" light hearted and funny, although death was involved there too!
I am also reading a new Lu Anne Rice Book that centers around the death of a woman's 18 year old son. I promise I am not seeking these things out for that reason, it just happens
I have also become involved in a computer game that amazes me, it is a Virtual Village of people that you have to keep alive. You have to figure out how to get them food, how to train them in trades so that you'll have Dr's and Builders, and farmers. You can have babies, if you can get two people to like each other. It's funny, they go inside a hut and if it works, the woman comes out carrying a baby. It keeps my mind occupied but the thing is, you get kind of attached to these people and just like in real life they die! The game goes on even after you aren't playing, so sometimes you log on and you've lost some people. The villager's bury them and everything. It's amazing how far they've come with computer games since I first had my first computer ten years ago.
I don't know what to expect this week. Tomorrow I go to the Dr. and we'll see how my body is doing since the first treatment and we'll see if the plan to have the next one goes on. I am concerned about my kidneys, and although the antibotic I am thinking fought off an infection I want to make sure that they are not suffering in all this. My kidneys have always been the weakest link in my body, I had kidney stones at 22 and I've had a history of infections during my life. And now that I know more about what having Chemo does to me, I have questions for the Dr. that I didn't know to ask before.
Ok, so I've written a long post about really nothing here, but it's my life for the moment. Thanks for all ya'lls words of encouragment, for always being here to listen to me.
I hope for you all a very good Monday and a good rest of the week.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
I had a nice phone conversation with my granddaughter and my son on the phone. That's always good for my spirit. And we had a rainy afternoon here so I watched movies.
It's weird to explain how I feel. I don't feel all that great, I don't feel all that sick, I just feel weird. And no energy and well, I guess this is what it feels like to have chemo drugs in your body. But the last few days I feel my mind is sort of dull, my thoughts strange, I don't feel like myself. Maybe just my imagination.
This Tuesday, if all is ok with my blood I will have the second treatment.
Anyway, I've got a bad case of cabin fever and actually look forward to getting to go someplace on Tuesday. Even if I do have to have a chemo treatment. That's pretty sad I guess.
In many ways I feel like I'm just a bystander in the world right now. Everyone is living their lives and doing what it is they do. I am just here, peeking out in the world and really wanting to live my life too.
But then I remember that I've not had all that bad a time with this round and I'm grateful. I'm thankful that I will get through this and go on to live my life, where I want to. I am reminded that life has it ups and downs and I know I am strong. And I know that I'll have better days ahead.
It's a rainy day again today, I like rainy days. Hoping you all have a good and restful Sunday.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
I finally got to watch one of movies yesterday, it was August Rush and it was very good, I enjoyed it. I also rented Alvin and the Chipmunks because I like the guy in it (Earl) and because I loved the Chipmunks as a kid. It was ok, a little silly but what did I expect? The next movie I have is "Reservation Road". It has Joaquin Phoenix in it, and I like him, so we'll see how it is, I'll watch it today.
Not much excitement around here, not much to talk about. I've ordered Haleigh some more of a series of books I got her started on called "Fancy Nancy". I can just order them from Amazon and have them sent to her. I'm going to try to get her the whole series and maybe she'll cherish them and save them like I did some of my books as a kid.
And so, we'll face another day and see how it goes.
Happy Friday to you all,
Thursday, July 24, 2008
It acts on its on without control, it follows no man's rules.
Free as an eagle, wild as the lion, it lives where it belongs.
Deeply embedded within me it dwells, this Spirit keeps me strong.
Never does it leave me nor let me down; always it sustains.
It shines through from the inside out and filters all the pains.
No matter what flesh and bones go through this part of me goes on.
And as of late it is this part of me I mostly rely upon.
It is able to soar as high as a dove in wide open spaces,
No matter what terrible things my physical body faces.
It stays strong long after my body is spent
This Spirit of mine shall never ever relent.
If you look closely you might catch a glimpse in my weary eyes.
It can never break or bend, no matter how hard Life tries.
No person or a thing can take away this strength I've found inside of me.
It had a dandelion on the front (which is one of my most favorite things)and it says,
"From small beginnings come great things," and on the inside it said, "Little by little your dreams will blossom."
And she wrote me a sweet note. It was very special.
It is nice to get the cards and the ones I get are so special, like you know the person took the time out to find just the perfect words.
Thanks again Loni, I love ya!
Although I woke up yesterday thinking I felt better than the day before, the day actually turned out to be my worse day yet in this battle. But I fought back, after all, I am a warrior and my secret weapon? SLEEP. I pretty much slept all day, and all night too. I worried as I actually was thinking I was getting a kidney infection, I've had them often, though not for a few years now and dad gum it! NOW is not the time to have one. But with no defense methods working in my body, it was trying I think to sneak in.
I finally called the Nurse yesterday late in the afternoon and she asked me a lot of questions, did I have fever? Did I have pain? Was I able to pee? I had a little twinge of pain in my lower back but not bad, my temp did go up to 99 during the night and I was drinking enough water that peeing was not a problem.
I just ached like I had the flu and I was very weak. She decided that we'd wait and see if I felt better after the antibiotic kicked in which she said would around 24 hours, and that should have been around 4 o'clock yesterday afternoon. She told me if my temp went higher than 100.4, if I stopped peeing or if the twinge of pain in my lower back got worse to call them, even in the middle of the night. In the meantime she told me just to rest.
And so I did. Boy did I. I feel like I lost a whole day. At one point I woke up around nine o'clock last night and thought, "Great, I'll be up all night now" but nope, I slept another six hours in the recliner, got up and went to bed and woke up at 7:30. And though I'm still not 100%, I feel lots better.
The sad thing is yesterday morning I put a whole chicken in the crock pot, some brown rice and mushrooms and well, it kind of cooked way too long and I now have a whole pot of gooey rice and chicken cooked all to pieces and you have to pick the bones out before you can even begin to eat it and it taste terrible.
I feel strength today that I've not felt for the last two days and maybe all that sleep helped my white cells reproduce and they are hard at work. Thank you white cells, I need you now more than ever, little soldiers that you are. I can't fight this battle without them and so when they are down my spirit has to take over and I refuse to let Cancer or Chemo destroy that!
" Sleep is the best meditation. "
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
These are white blood cells. Usually about midway through your chemo treatment they reach their lowest count. And so mine are low at the moment. Not so low that I had to have that super duper shot that builds them back fast, but low enough where I'm under house arrest. No crowds, no stores, nowhere around kids.. I am a sitting duck for an infection. The Dr. has ordered an antibiotic to ward off anything that maybe starting up. I have strict orders to call my medical team day or night if my temp goes over 100 degrees, if I get chills, a sore throat, a cough. This is all normal, they assure me, and by next week they should be build themselves up again, those white blood cells and then you start all over again.
Also, during this time people seem to get weaker and depressed. Explains my tears yesterday perhaps and my very down in the dumps feeling today, but not to worry. It's happening just as it is suppose to, and hopefully it has already killed the right cells that are the evil cancer, or at least it is working on them.
So, not much pizazz today, but I'm ok. So very grateful I've done as well as I have and this is all part of it. If my cells weren't low that would mean the chemo isn't doing what it is meant to do.
And that's my report. I'm going to settle down with my new book, drink some hot tea, and be a good girl.
Monday, July 21, 2008
It's raining here, believe it or not and although there could be bad thunder and lightening with it, I don't hear that part yet, but I do hear wonderful pitter patter of rain on my roof.
I wondered if Sweetie would bark at me when I came home, but she noticed nothing different or if she did, she was much too polite to let on.
I think I'm going to bed early, I didn't even start my new book. Maybe I'll do that now.
Matthew asked me if I looked like this:
And I lied and told him there was a strong resemblance between Demi and myself. (I don't think he believed me.)
I wish I looked like this,
Even Brittney looked good at her worse moments!
But in reality I look much more like this:
Oh, and by the way, at least I have no lumps or bumps, there is a scar where I busted my head somewhere in my life..
And so I'm home now, my groceries put away, my chemo Nurse has called me, and all is well for now. My mother however is catching a cold so I'm staying clear of her. The last thing I need is a cold. The last thing SHE needs is a cold. She's not one to have them often but when she does they are BAD. She called the Dr. and has an appointment in hopes of getting something to help before it turns bad.
I had a bad headache last night and my Nurse seems to think its not a side effect at this point, probably just sinus ,since I told her it was pressure and she told me to take something for sinus today and we'll see if that stops it from happening again.
This morning I'm an emotional wreck. If it were still possible (it is just us girls here, isn't it?) I'd swear I was about to have my period. You know, where a commercial makes you cry? Yesterday I was finally able to sit and watch a movie all the way through. I've had three Netflix movies since before Jonathan died and one of them was " Things We Lost in the Fire." I had tried to watch it earlier but one of the first lines of the movie was about the pain of losing a son. So, OUT it came from the DVD player. But I did watch it yesterday and I cried all the way through it, but it was a good movie. Not that I needed a good reason to cry at all.
I also splurged while ago and bought a new book by LuAnne Rice that I hope to get into. I've not been able to read either. Since I don't have my mother to play with this week, I got to do something. AND.......I want to make jewelry. So who knows, I might do that too.
And so that is just my rambling today. I have to go back to town in the morning for the weekly drawing of blood, but other than that, I'm just chillin' or trying to in 100 degree weather. Thank goodness for A/C, I can't imagine surviving this without it.
OH, and a report on the hair, I still have it. I have lost another little patch, my mother found it in her travel trailer, but at least I got through the family reunion with it. I'm thinking the buzz cut is coming. Soon. At least my head will be cool!
Have a good day you all!
Sunday, July 20, 2008
The meal for the reunion was at noon yesterday and although the Camp Kitchen was air conditioned, it was hot and crowded in there, (we had a really good turn out) and so I fixed my plate and went outside to eat along with some others that did the same thing. After I ate I walked just a little distance to where one of my cousins was (at the playground). There was a bench and I sat there for a minute, in the shade and when I got up, my world was spinning. I thought it would get better but it didn't and I had to go to my Mom's trailer and lie down for a bit. I just got too hot before I realized it I guess.
Before long one of my cousins came to see about me, and then another and then before long, we had our own little private reunion together. The three sisters are our mothers and we can all relate because some of their ways , well really a lot of their ways are alike.
I think they worried we were plotting against them, lol as one of or other of them kept opening the camper door and just sticking their heads in checking on us, just like they did when we were kids. Cracked me up. We're in our late 30's and late 40's and I am the oldest at 51 but of course we are still those little kids to them.
I had the best time, my mother and her sisters may have a hard time getting along but we've always loved each other, and although we've all gotten busy with our lives and don't see each other like we should, we can usually catch up quickly. We always promise to stay in touch better but somehow we don't. I wish we would.
Anyway, everyone will leave this morning but I won't be out there so I had to say my goodbyes last night and by the time I got home, I have never been so tired. I know now what they mean by Fatigue. It's different from just being tired. But I had a good sleep, woke up way to early which is beginning to be my habit but there is a few naps in my future for today.
I hope you all have a good and peaceful Sunday.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
The last few days have been filled with lots of commotion, laughter and love. I've been able to spend time favorite cousins
I've had my mom's camper to go to when I needed to take a break and rest and we're ready for the extended family to arrive. We're expecting around fifty or sixty people.
That one Aunt, (that perhaps everyone has?) has even been nice and helpful and treated both her sisters with respect and love. That has not always been the case with her. But she is being a really good girl so far. (She is the younger of the three sisters.)
I've been good, just very tired after I come back home but able to sleep well and start all over the next morning. I haven't been much help to them in the preparations, I wanted to, I could have, but they won't let me. But then again I'd have missed some of the best moments if I'd been part of all that work they were doing.
Have a good day to you all and I'll report back tomorrow.
Friday, July 18, 2008
MY mom, in her retirement, and not being the kind of person who didn't want to work, if not for just the money, but just for the satisfaction of being out and around people, over sees a KOA Campground and that's where our reunion will be held on Saturday. And so she and my Step father are out there in their travel trailer and also her sister and his husband and numerous cousins of mine. Just sort of Us, yesterday, the family I am closest to.
Like I've said before our family is sponsoring the reunion this year, and so they've come in to to all the preparations ready. The men spend most of the afternoon going after a pig that had been butchered and then preparing it for the smoker where it has filled the air of the campground with wonderful smells all night.
The women, not really able to prepare what we're planning as it is a little early, didn't do much cooking. I made a pasta salad and my mom baked a few cakes, things like that, but mostly we just visited and had a good day. MY cousin's daughter, a 15 year old cutie pie was my constant companion. I enjoyed her company, sometimes teenage girls that age think I'm really cool because, well, I think because I'm just an old hippy at heart, usually very interested in how they see the world and I'm just a "little" different in the way I perceive things. Plus I helped her fix her laptop and of course I can text on the cell phone with the best of them! Oh, well not that fast but she was fun to be with. And she helped me with my pasta salad and we talked and giggled and had lots of fun.
It was after ten before I came back home and I was tired. And I even slept until almost eight this morning, and so that is much better than getting up at 4:30.
This morning I will go back out there and more major cooking will take place. We're having supper cooked tonight not only for us but for others that will be arriving, most of them staying in town at a hotel but if any want to come out and eat with us, we'll get word to them. These are the more distant relatives such as my Mama's Dad's sister's children who have great grandkids by now. The people you know are kin to you but that you don't really know that well.
So, there you go. My teenage sidekick will ditch me in a heartbeat today as she has cousins coming in that are her age. And that's ok, I have my own aged cousins coming in too and I'll enjoy visiting with them.
And then tomorrow is the big Shindig!
So, that's what is going on with me.
Steph and Chris, my best friend and her husband often go out to the KOA to swim in the afternoons and they did yesterday so Steph and I got a little visit in. And I got to see little Robbin whom I've not seen in a while. I got a picture of them in the pool.
I'll get more pictures today. Here's my mom, too.
In one of the rare sightings of her being still.
And so that's about all I have to report for now. I'm moving slow this morning and probably won't get back out there until late morning.
Hoping you all have a nice weekend.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Chellie at The Dolphin Cove: Chellie and I have been friends for a long time now, and we've shared ups and downs and downs, lol. We both faced major surgery, we both survived. We think alike in many ways and her heart is as big as they come and she is Real and that's always what attracts me about people. Chellie, thanks for always being with me and there for me. Chellie and I have even spoken on the phone and there is only one other blogger I've done that with, and if both of these Ladies knew how shy I am to talk to people on the phone, then they'd really appreciate how much I love them even more. (although once on and I heard Chellie's voice, well, she had me at hello, what can I say? ) I know Chellie's future is so bright, I have a feeling, have had for some time that something really special is coming her way soon. Sometimes you just know these things.
Tammy at The Daily Warrior: This is the only other wonderful friend I've spoken to on the phone, she tricked me into it because I emailed her for an opinion on something and she told me she'd email me back but I'd wear her little finger out typing, so I gave in and talked to her just yesterday. And like with Chellie, I knew how much putting a voice with that person made me feel. And I know we'll have lots of other conversations and I know this for sure, and laugh if you want, I know for sure this woman is going to be a part of my life forever. And in person too. Just wait for that post on my blog, you'll see. Sometimes you just know these things. This I know. (sorry Tammy, you're stuck with me)
Amy at Embracing Change: What can I say, she is my daughter in law? But without being bias, I can assure you she writes so well and her outlook in life in general is something to embrace. She and I are kindred spirits and that's pretty cool when you're like that with your son's wife. There you can catch glimpses of my BEAUTIFUL grandchild, my VERY handsome son and learn a little about their lives in the Pacific Northwest. Amy is a talented singer and actress on the side, good enough to do it professionally really! But for now she does it on the side and is teaching my grandchild all she can about the joy of being artistic and true to herself. Love you Amy!
(Geez, sorry I'm writing a book here, but I'm not kidding you about these
Marge at Road Sage: You may have noticed that my friend Marge just lost her mom, so I know she will not see this for a while but I still wanted her to have it. She has become a cheerleader in my corner. Not a day or night or sometimes both goes by that she doesn't check on me. She comes from a family whose roots are so deeply embedded in family love that it amazes me. She and her husband retired a few years back and toured the country in a RV. She has bunches of grandchildren whom she loves and adores and she is such a calming sweet spirit for me to have around. Though I've only just met her here, I feel I've known her always. So, Marge, I love you and I'm thinking of you and know how much I care.
Mary at Pathways: Mary is a very new friend, I've been visiting her for a little while now, I kept going back for just a nice homey family feeling. She loves her children and the time she spends with her grandchildren is precious to her. Mary offers me encouragement and lets me know she is thinking of me in sweet, short, comments. Her husband Harry, has live reef tanks where he grow things like Coral and other stuff. Search her blog for amazing pictures.
Becca at Becca's Byline: This is a new friend to me too. Becca is a writer in the true sense of the word (and a teacher too, please don't get on to me for using sense if it were suppose to be since or since, I could never get that.) Her thought provoking posts keep me thinking long after I've left her and I'm just now getting to know the special soul she is. She checks on me too, offering me encouragement and special thoughts. I look forward to getting to know her better.
Shirley at Meemaw Bake's Memories: Now, Shirley is so funny to me. There are mornings when her posts crack me up and it is always, always, something you can relate to. Her family is very important to her too. She lives her life really and truly as a Christian woman, enjoying her church family and friends. She pokes fun at herself but I think she is pretty special. She's been with me every step of the way through my deal here and I will never forget the day I had my first chemo she told me she had a yellow sticky note on her computer at work with my name on it so she prayed for me every time she saw it. How's that for a friend? I know I gave you one award, but you needed another one so there!
The rules weren't that you had to say something about the people you wanted to honor but this was my opportunity to put you all in the same room sort of and let you know how special each one of you are to me. Whether you made a comment or you just read or I read something you wrote, it didn't matter. I read so many blogs where people are trying too hard to be cute or funny or caring and it just doesn't come off very well, but all of you, every single one of you are Real and have qualities that I admire. So, sorry to get mushy here, but it is true. You've all carried me from step to step, from day to day each one in your own special way. And for that I thank you all.
Special note to Aisling: Linda got you first but you know how high up you rate with me. And thank you for my new desk top, he is happy there and makes me smile!
Considering how badly I could feel, and what a bad time some people do indeed have, this is a small price to pay. I wish so badly everyone that goes through Chemo could get through the first one like this. I really wish nobody ever had to get Cancer at all. But the truth is they do, even little children and when I think of that it really breaks my heart.
Although I know there have been great strides made in Cancer Research I'm beginning to understand there is still so much the Doctors and Scientists do not know. Sometimes treatment is a shot in the dark, a guessing game, sometimes the treatment is worse than the disease.. it is unpredictable and I was told from the beginning when you have cancer you are always a cancer patient, always! Even if you are at some point considered Cancer Free. IT plagues you forever, there's always that chance it will show up again, somewhere, anywhere. That's a lot to have to face.
I don't spend any specific amount of time thinking about all of this. My focus for now is to get through this and to go on with the next part of my life living where and around the people that I need the most and that need me. I've no doubt that will happen. The road there will not be easy but seldom are the best things in life so easy to get to.
The lessons I'm learning here with all of this, including the heartbreak of losing a child, are lessons that will help guide me through the rest of the journey. There are people that have come into my life because of this that I will cherish forever. I have insight on things that I may have never had, had this not happened to me. Am I glad I had to go through this? NO! Am I scared of what lies ahead? Yes. Would I trade places with anyone else in the world? NO, I wouldn't because this is Me, the same Me I've known all my life. I'm a work in progress and I'm not done yet.
So onward I travel, and somehow, somewhere along the way, it is my hope, my dream, my desire to be of service to someone else. If this opportunity allows me to indeed learn lessons that others before me have learned, I want to be able to share the knowledge. Every time one of us reaches out to someone else the world becomes a better place. Every single little tiny bit of kindness shown, be in tiny or monumental makes a difference. The world is altered, it becomes the world it is meant to be. This I know for sure. We need each other. Plain and simple.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
We chatted for a bit and then I had to get ready to go to town, to the hospital, to get blood drawn. In the shower, I washed my hair and then I got out, and albeit I don't have much hair, because of my mother's shears, as I dried what is left, I kept seeing more scalp than hair. I kept picking at it with my fingers, trying to get it to plump up. NO cigar! I then yanked on it and nothing, it was all intact, but then I decided to check the drain, and TADA~ Hair! Seems a bit has washed out, right in front no less.
So, ok, I get to wear a hat~ I got a really cute one from Walmart that comes down pretty low for when I am totally bald and I tied a yellow ribbon around it and off I go to the Oncology Department, thinking how cute I am, and OH, so fashionable. So, all goes well. I see my Nurse for a minute or two, talk about a little sore throat I've had off and on, they give me the paperwork, I got to the lab and do the deed and then I take my blood back to the Oncology Rooms.
I have a few errands to run, and since I'm feeling so great I do those, still really cute and fashionable. I am completely and utterly at peace with myself, all the other people I come in contact with and the world in general. Life is good.
I get a bite to eat, drive back to the country. I bring in my bag from shopping and notice the air is not on. Ummm. Ok, this time of year the power will go off and on sometimes, people using the A/C so much. I don't get too upset. After a while I start trying to remember if I did mail my light bill. And then I know I did. I look it up in my check book, and yep, there's where I wrote it down, check # 1058, last week, the 9th. But then I get the actual bill receipt out and it says, "CUT OFF DATE JULY 15, 2008".
Ummm. Ok, I know I mailed it. I remember because that was the day my mom helped me match receipts of the hospital bills and what the insurance had paid, I wrote a number of checks that day. AND MAILED THEM!
There are two things I do know about our County Power Commission. Their cut off date is TRUE. (Believe me, I know this) and they never leave a notice that they've done it. It bugged me and so I just had to jump in the car and just see for myself if my mother had power. She is not home but I can still check.
Sure enough, she has power!
So, I called the Power company, "yep" the guy just cut it off for non payment. The lady was nice, told me to call the bank and see if it had cleared, and then have them to fax it to her front and back. OK, I say, sweating now, and getting a little stressed.
The bank lady, very nice, but no check. So, my mother is in town, I called and asked her to go by and pay it again for me. I have to go through it all again with her, just to hear her say, "You paid that, I saw you when you wrote the check!"
Yes, but... they have no check, the bank has no check and I have no AIR! It would cost me a bunch to stop payment on the check, and the Power Commission will just credit it if it comes. I did have to pay a $15.00 re connection fee which ticks me off a little, buy oK, whatever, I just got to have AIR!
So, here I sit, on my mom's porch, where there is a cool breeze at the moment waiting for one of the power guy (who is having lunch) to come and restore my power. And yes, I know what he's thinking, "Why don't people just pay their bills!"
I could go inside the house here, but it is feeling good to me here right at the moment. There are birds singing and grass growing and I'm still feeling fantastic. And guess what? Life is still pretty good.
This morning she features a painting for her granddaughter that you just got to see. It is beautiful in so many ways, full of love and care, a project that at times she did not feel well enough to work on, but she kept going, and all I can say is it is just awesome.
My son Jonathan was an artist. We listed that on his obit as the first thing that described who he was. He never sold a painting or a drawing, his work is mostly nowhere to be found now, except his childhood drawings that I could manage to keep. Some people didn't understand why I would describe him as an Artist but that's because they didn't know. He never thought he was. If he could have learned to take his feelings, his demons, his fears, his joys, his mixed up insides and to put them on something tangible to keep, I could have shown you what an artist there was inside of him. But his concentration wasn't there for that. Plus he thought his paintings or drawings were nothing.
How wrong he was. He painted and drew constantly inside his soul. And I knew it and so therefore, he was an artist.
For a while a couple of years ago, he and I spent a lot of time together. He was crushed about his pending divorce, he was just so lost, and I bought him an easel, all kinds of charcoal pencils, water paint, oil paints, and a surfaces for him. My idea was if he could get back into it, he would maybe get some therapy from it.
He did do that for a while. And somewhere out there, those pieces exists, I hope.. When he moved on, he took them with him. None of them were returned to us and I can't say for sure he didn't destroy them, which he may have but in my heart, I like to think they are out there somewhere. Maybe someday someone will come across one and frame it and it will be special to them, even though they have no idea his story.
So, anyway thank you Linda, for sharing your work and I'm so glad you are a part of my world now. Thank you for bringing your colors in my life when I am searching for any grasp of color I can get.
Monday, July 14, 2008
And so I did.
Then I went to the mailbox and I had a card from my best friend's Mom, and it was a very special one and a wonderful little handwritten note, and it made me know she was thinking of me and that made me feel good.
I spent some time with my mother, to break the day up, and she filed my all of a sudden long nails and put a coat of clear shiny fingernail polish on them, so I am shiny! Or at least my fingernails are.
And then, I got the most special phone call from one of the most special people I know, and that made my DAY!
SO, see, you don't have be accomplishing THINGS to have a good day. Some times it's enough to just recieve Things. And for me it is a lesson I'm learning.
It started before I went to sleep last night, a hard thing to explain, I didn't hurt, I didn't ache or feel weird, I just didn't feel RIGHT or good. And so I went to bed and after some time went to sleep and slept but when I woke at five thirty, that feeling was still there, just sort of a "I don't feel good" thing, and so I went back to sleep and when I woke again at eight, I am fine.
SO, ok, I can live with that.
Could be just that fatigue thing they keep warning you about, could be I did a little too much yesterday, I really didn't do that much, could be it was just what it was.
I'm just so on ALERT right now with my body I guess, and it could be I just didn't feel good. LOL. I make a lot of sense here don't I?
Anyway, I had a lovely dream of me working, only I didn't work in a little optical shop, I dreamed that I was running a huge Department Store and man you should have seen me, I was something to behold, I was solving problems going and coming. (Believe me, this is not a dream I have) and so I worked all night and it was good.
And so we start a new week. My family is scrambling and gathering to get ready for this Reunion for the weekend, the sisters (my mom and her siblings) are already trying to out do each other with some recipe that is going to knock people out, and so I'll just be here to lend a hand, to stir a pot or to cut a potato or whatever.
Should be an interesting week for sure.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
It was around eight thirty and the sun is blazing already but the humidity not so bad. And with my fake Crocks, the dewey wetness felt very good to my feet.
There's nothing much in my yard except overgrown shrubbs and grass, but LOOK, there are tiny little pecans growing on my pecan trees.
We keep walking toward my mom's house where that big old family Fig tree is. And it is going nuts or FIGS I guess I should say. SO we have a second breakfast right off the tree. Sweetie eats them too!
This is the big tree itself. It is from a clipping, I've said before from my mother's grandfather's tree that she ate off from a child.
And here's the lucious fruit that by the way has great health benefits, if you want to read about them here.
My Step Father's upside down tomato plants didn't work out, they broke off but he got some more and are growing them right side up and they are looking great. He has a marigold plant in each one to prevent the bugs.
My mom has this Hydrangea that is sort of a weird color right now. IT is not the prettiest right now, almost dried up, but you can still see the color.
This is just the front of the property that shows the pines. It was beautiful to me this morning.
And then we walked back home through the wooded little path and watched for anything we could see, but it was just pretty woods.
And of course, Sweetie had to stop around some junk to search for Lizards, her favorite sport. My mother would be horrified to know I posted this picture which is at the barn between her and my house, but it is just JUNK that my Step father has , And sweetie thinks its a great place to find Lizards..
Thanks to Aisling for inviting us to always join her on Sundays, don't forget to visit her and to join in if you want. Happy Sunday to you all.