Monday, June 30, 2008
Tomorrow (Tuesday) is the trip to the Chemo Doctor. And I'm scared.
I'm not nearly as OK as people think I am.
I worry about upsetting people.
I ate Pringles today, not low fat either.
It bothers me now when people get so upset about unimportant stuff.
I wish I could hear Jonathan's voice again.
I don't really want to hear about that person you knew who had chemo and lost all their hair, or the one you knew that looked so good up until the week before she died.
Did I mention I'm SCARED?
of which there are many roads to travel.
There are no signs to give directions
Over smooth sands or paths of gravel.
Some say life is but an illusion
Of which nothing is real or alive.
Just a dream of our own imaginations
And that is the only reason we thrive.
Some believe life is a passing phase,
A gateway to a wonderful Utopian bliss.
Where there is no sickness or troubles
And none of earth's problems will exist.
Some say life is made up of the same souls,
Learning more and more each time they return.
From a tiny insect to an intelligent man,
Based on the lessons in each life we learn.
Some wise men say life is what we make it,
That we each hold our own destinies.
An attraction of the positive or negative,
Our thoughts and actions acting as affinities.
However one chooses to view this life,
It is for sure an experience to behold.
Each day through pure resilience,
Life and all its miracles continues to unfold.
My Mother struggles every year to come up with something for a gift for him and this year, a few days before his birthday she tells me, "I know exactly what "we" can get John for his birthday". Ok. She brings out some sort of catalog and shows me this weather station thing that tells the temp inside and out, the wind speed, the windchill factor, the pressures of all kinds, the phase of the moon, and lots more stuff. He had told her he'd like to have that one day. It costs $99.99. Ah, so ok, that's what "we" would get him.
The only problem was that it had to be ordered and there was no way we'd get it before his birthday so we decided to cut the picture out and wrap it up to give to him on Wednesday. She went a step further and wrapped it in a small box and put that one in a bigger box and then a bigger box, well you get the picture. SO, it was funny to watch him open about seven or eight wrapped presents, only to get a picture. We told him this is what we would have gotten him if we could have afforded it. It was hilarious. We of course told him it was on the way and he was happy.
While they were gone over the weekend, it arrived and he called me at work yesterday to ask me to bring home batteries for it. When I got home he was disappointed because he had found out through the directions that he had to have the altitude for here and he'd have to call the library which wasn't open or the airport (our airport is tiny) and nobody was answering the phone there. They tend to forget that by owning a computer they have this sort of information at their fingertips, so we found the altitude and I thought home I 'd get to go but oh no! I had to help him set it up. He had to put part of it outside, which he'd already installed but setting the manual setting of the main unit was too confusing to him. So, we got that done.
And then I had to stay and eat, and finally I got home around eight o'clock. But he was so funny to me. He watched it closely an when the wind would speed up, he'd point it out and get real excited. And I'm not sure what it is about the weather that gets men so excited. I remember my mother in law telling me that when my boy's Daddy was a little boy he'd get up on the couch with a stick and pretend like he was the weather man, pointing out on the back of the couch where it was sunny and where it was raining.
"The only difference in men and boys is the size of their shoes and the price of their toys".
Sunday, June 29, 2008
and I thought if I got caught up with my paperwork
here at work, I'd have my computer to finish up what
I was working on.
But, the thing is, I'm still not quite done with my paperwork and stuff
here at work, but here I am on the computer. Go figure!
Only one person works on Sunday, so if you don't have any customers and if you're not so inclined to clean the ever dusty eyeglasss frames and all the mirrors in this place, one can get a little lonely.
So, I guess I'm a little lonely.
But even more so than that, I was thinking about life and such and just being amazed at how quickly your life can change.
I mean, you HEAR that statement all your life, and you know it's true, you've seen it happen to other people around you. You see it on TV and in the movies. But when it happens to you, well, it takes on a whole new meaning.
In a blink of an eye, your world can change by something you see, or something you feel or in my case, words that were spoken to me. Words that nobody would ever wants to hear.
And after a while, people will say to you, "you'll realize that there's a reason all this is happening."
A REASON? Are you kidding me? WHY do terrible things have to happen to anyone? Why do perfectly nice people in the prime of their lives get stricken with some sort of disease that nobody even knows a lot about?
Why do terrible things happen to little innocent children? Those are reasonable questions and age old questions. And questions we'll never know the answers to.
And you do what is the only thing you can do which is to hold on tight. Weather the storm, hope for better times.
I don't spend a whole lot of time dwelling on WHY but just HOW to make it one more day. How to find joy in every day, and laughter. And if I'm lucky, I"ll be a more compassionate person , a more perceptive one when I come out on the other side of this. Maybe a better daughter, a better mother, a better friend, a better person.
And you know what? Those are all the things I've always strived for anyway. I'm taking a crash course I guess.
Happy Sunday ! I'd better get back to this work that I get paid to do.
In this world of such modern medicine she was able to have major surgery and come home the same day. I am so glad she was able to have it that way and her recovery should be so much shorter. But she knows to still take it easy and take care of herself.
Chellie and I have held a special bond since we found each other probably a year or so ago. So when we both knew we faced surgery, we tried to be there for each other as much as one can be "there" without being there. And as I drove home from the dentist on Thursday, with my mouth full of gauze, she somehow, as soon as she could open her eyes texted me and let me know she had made it through. I was so relieved to hear it and so thankful that she was able to do that. She had promised me she'd find a way to let me know and she did!
So, get well Chellie and then you can go on with your life, pain free and see what life has in store for you. I've a feeling it has many good things planned for your future. You deserve it and I'll be there cheering you on!
Saturday, June 28, 2008
I have a friend who lives in Washington. They've had nice weather for the last few days and he promised me a picture of the mountains as they showed themselves. This is Mt. Rainier and since he knew today was Jonathan's birthday, he sent it to me in memory of him.
Jonathan loved that part of the country. He in fact drove cross country twice to be with his brother. The first time he did it, he was on the phone with me constantly. "MAMA, you should see this!" or "Oh Mama, I wish you could see what I'm seeing right now" and he'd tried to explain to me all the beauty he was seeing. He soaked it all in, and wanted so badly for me to see what was outside our little world here. He was brave and not afraid to experience adventures in life for sure.. Maybe he knew all along his time was short. I am glad now that he was able to have as many experiences as he did in his short life.
So this was a special gift from a special person on a day that he knew would be hard for me. And I thank you very much, with all my love. He also knows that mountain gives me strength to fight to get done with what I've got to face and to reach my goal of seeing that mountain for real.
I posted before that Kammy would visit me this weekend, her mother was coming to this town to a party or something. Those plans have been canceled. I'm not too upset about it because, well, I thought it felt a little forced. Something didn't feel right about it. Kammy and I will ease into our relationship our own way.
Plus today is Jonathan's birthday and I'm a little weepy and perhaps her visit would have made that better or not. At any rate, it feels ok that she is not coming this particular time.
So, its just a regular working weekend for me.
My jaw is still really sore, I'm beginning to wonder if it should still be this sore by now, but I'll see how it feels on Monday. It was like I said, not an easy tooth to get out. The roots must have been way down there.
And so that's about all I know for now.
I'm off to work.
~~ Author Unknown ~~
Friday, June 27, 2008
As a child, when I first discovered Helen Keller I was so amazed. I read everything I could on her and Annie Sullivan. And to this day I still am in awe of how she accomplished things in a world where she couldn't hear or see. Today the inspirational quote is from her:
Today's Inspirational Quote:
"Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can
never do anything wise in this world."
-- Helen Keller
I hear you Miss Helen, loud and clear.
It seems I am just in a fowl mood. So I'll keep this short.
I have work today and I have a big swelled jaw that I think is going to be a little bruised as well. Just another battle scar I got going here.
My parents left yesterday for a weekend "get away" in the travel trailer with some friends. That is good for them especially since their Colorado vacation got interrupted.
Hope all is well with you guys and that you have a good weekend.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
I must be going through the Anger stage of grief, because I'm....well, I'm just pissed. Not even particularly at anyone or anything, I'm just MAD. And I don't usually get that way.
So, I picked a branch of Honeysuckle, it always makes me smile and brought it into the house with me. I tried to write a Haiku to go with the picture, but no poetry in my soul tonight. But then again I am drugged.
I am just MAD! And maybe there are things and people in particular that I'm mad at.
And maybe I am mad at Jonathan, I don't know. I'm mad with Cancer, I'm mad with my Aunt Ellen who I guess thought she was helping me when she emails me and tells me even if they tell me this can't be cured to continue my plans to move. HUH? Does she know something I don't know, I mean Cancer is scary for sure but I wasn't thinking in terms of not being cured.
I'm mad cause my jaw hurts, I'm mad cause I'm not in Washington now. I'm mad because I can't spell. I just am MAD!
I'm mad because Saturday is Jonathan's birthday and now when I think of his birth, I have to think of his death as well. I'm mad because I'm mad!
I'm just angry. I need to scream and shout and beat something up.
So, just ignore me tonight, I'll be ok. I'm going to bed and maybe I'll have sweet dreams filled with Honeysuckle smells and not wake up MAD. But for right now, that's what I am. And so I'll go with it.
Today's Inspirational Quote:"When I hear somebody say, Life is hard, I am always tempted to
ask, Compared to what?"-- Sydney J. Harris
I found this one interesting and thought of it for a bit. Life is all we have here on this earth so what do we compare it to? As far as know right now, we are all given one life, at least here on earth. Is our life planned out in advance, or just how much control do we have? If we'd done anything differently, would we still have ended up just where we are now? Would it make a difference? Do we compare how hard life is to us personally based on other people's lives? Do any of us escape the hardships of life? I think not.
Life for me is hard right now, and I'm comparing it to other times when I wasn't touched so personally by death, suicide, cancer and all the fears that go along with those things. So now, life is hard at this moment, compared to the other parts of my life but the thing about life is that each day brings a new beginning. And I do have a choice of course. I can feel sorry for myself, hide under the covers, think my life is over and will myself to stop living. But each day is a new day and sometimes things happen you never would have expected. Life is magic, full of unexpectful events, some wonderful, some tragic and lots of little things inbetween. Life is constantly changing, you just never know what to expect. Life tests your character, and your strength, life rewards you with unexpected gifts, it gives and takes. Sometimes it seems like it takes more than it gives but mostly it gives. It gives us the chance to see what we are made of, it gives us a chance to fail and succeed , it gives us a chance to reach out and help someone else. It throws things at us to gain wisdom and insight so that we are better equiped to handle other things. Life is all we have, to make of it as much as we can. When life is hard for us, we look around and see someone who is going through so much more. So we compare our hardships to those of others and while we are strong we are able to help those others. There comes a time when those people come to your aide. Life is hard but compared to what?
Life is a gift, and yes, it is hard sometimes if compared to the only other things we have to compare it to , which is the past or to your neighbor's life.
Life is also wonderful, compared to what? Compared to all the hard times we have and survived. Life is full of unexplainable miracles, life is full of heartache and many tears, but mostly Life is what all we have in common, sharing it with all that grows around us. Life is forever changing and I'm just too curious to know what it brings next to dwell on the hard things. I'm learning just how life hard can be, but there is nothing to compare it to at this point, we'll know one day.
So Sidney J. Harris, we compare Life to Life. Ever Changing Life. DAH!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
One of the teeth that he filled, well, it is a back jaw tooth and it had a filling but it was broken and he, trying to save the tooth and save me from another root canal, filled it. It actually is more filling than tooth. It's been fine until a few days ago and it got a little sore. So, wouldn't you just know it? Tomorrow that tooth is going to be pulled. It is abscessed underneath the filling or at the root or something like that.
Because of the Chemo I will have soon he said it was important that we get it out as to not have any infection when the chemo and radiation is started. So, as badly as I hate to have to do it, it really is a good thing, good timing. Wouldn't have been good to get an abscessed tooth during the treatment.
So, my dentist had heart attack a few years back and he no longer pulls teeth, but he sends his patients to an out of town dentist that I've been to several times, so in the morning I'm off to that town, I'll get my tooth pulled and then go to work.
I'm very tough you know, so NO problem.
Thanks so much for everyone who commented on my last post. I can't tell you how much inspiration I get from you guys.
This is a pretty boring post but besides for the tooth thing, the day was pretty uneventful and that was a good thing. I could use a few uneventful days in a row.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
I had the PET scan and sure enough, that lymph node in my stomach glowed like a Christmas tree which mean is has cancer. Apparently there are also some in my pelvic area, not glowing as much but glowing just the same.
Treatment is Chemo and then the radiation that I was expecting anyway.
I have an appointment next Tuesday with the Chemo Dr.
The Oncologist Radiologist that I saw today, will hardly answer any questions. So that's all I know. All he says is that there is cancer in that one node, a little in the others in the pelvic area and they are going to treat me and make me well and he is going to pray for me, GOODBYE.
I'm hoping the Chemo Dr. will answer the questions I have, but we'll see.
I'd like to say FORGET it, I'll take my chances but I can't do that of course. I'm going to move to Washingon, I got places to see and things to do.
And so, as you can imagine I feel like I'm a punching bag right now, could sure use some GOOD news.
Thanks for everyone's help in thoughts and prayers. I'm sure they were answered in ways we don't understand, or at least in a way I don't.
Monday, June 23, 2008
I took this picture yesterday after it had rained, it's the relection of the trees and sky in a puddle of water.
And although the water is murkey, I notice the light from the sky is shining through those trees. And I know light is shining in my soul too. But tonight it is just a little less bright, and it is finding it hard to feel the warmth that light can bring.
Just part of what I have to feel sometimes. And I've learned not to fight it, I just feel it.
Without being linked we're bound to sink
Leaving hearts disconnected and stained pink
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Even thought the midwest is about to float away, here in South Georgia we are very dry. My thoughts and prayers are with the flood victims. We did however get a shower this afternoon. After the rain, Sweetie and I took a short stroll down our drive. We were hoping to see a deer, I saw one earlier today, but no camera in hand and she was on the run anyway. It is my dream to get a picture one day.
I found ONE blackberry left on a dried up bush, it is no longer there, it's in my tummy. Damp with raindrops. Yummy too. I missed the blackberry crop this year.
Looks like there are more clouds rolling in. We are thankful for all the drops we can get.
Don't forget to join Aisling over at The Quiet Country House to see the other Sunday Strolls and if you want to, let her know you've posted yours. Hope everyone had a good and restful Sunday.
by William Wordsworth (1770-1850)
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
The waves beside them danced, but they
Outdid the sparkling waves in glee;
A poet could not but be gay
In such a jocund company
I gazed, and gazed, but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought;
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
Our doctor left a little earlier than usual and so we decided to order a pizza and we ate and talked and listened to each other. They listened to me talk about things that have happened to me, they listened to me talk about Jonathan. I've talked so much to different people in my life, I forget who I've told what and my conversations start off with,
"Please stop me if I've told you this before".
They never do, but I do think I've repeated things over to some of the same people. They both told me yesterday how they are awed at my strength and how well I'm doing. One of them told me that I'm an inspiration to her because when she starts feeling sorry for herself lately about the problems she faces in her life, she thinks of what I'm dealing with and it helps her to move on.
I'm always a little taken aback when people say this to me. Because I don't feel strong at all. In many ways I feel like I'm in a dream and every step I take is guided by a force that is very strong. And yes, that would of course be God.
I was raised in church, I attended Sunday school. I took my children to Sunday school, I was a Sunday school teacher. I am in the Bible belt, but the way I believe is a little different, but yet the same. It is private, I don't share my thoughts on this subject with many because here you are ridiculed if you think differently.
My beliefs didn't just come to me, I didn't make them up as I went along. I started a journey to figure it out when I was in my thirties because what I'd been taught and what I felt was right became so confusing that I had to figure out where I stood.
And when I got it all clear in my mind because of certain things that led me there, I went with it. And this force, this thing greater than I believe our minds are even capable of grasping is what is leading me, and I am following it with the faith of a child.
Some people think because I don't attend church or talk about God much or my beliefs, that I am just a wayward soul, lost to God and prayer and a higher being. They are wrong of course, but I never try to correct them. My thoughts are private on these things, between me and my creator.
I never do that to them, I respect every one's beliefs, and if they share that with me, I am never offended or think they are wrong. You can tell the people who know for sure what is inside of them and their soul and believe it with a conviction that brings them peace and comfort for you can see it in their eyes. Some of these people attend church regularly, some of
them have never set foot in a church. You can see the people who pretend to have this peace, who want it but have yet to find it. It's in their eyes too and in their demeanor. Showing love and respect, offering help when you can, being honest and true, prayer in any form, these are goals to strive for. Striving to be the best imperfect person you can be, because we are all imperfect, we are humans, made that way on purpose, here to learn,here for each other. And to me whatever religion you are is a choice. It is what brings you comfort and strength. And not once during this whole ordeal has my beliefs felt wrong to me. In fact they have been validated in all the gifts I've been given this past week. And all those prayers going around for me, all the prayers that I am sending, those are keeping me going, this I know without a doubt.
Happy Sunday everybody.
Robbin who is filled with graditude and peace on this Sunday morning. I'm hoping the same for you.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
When I got home today I had a package in the mail. It was from my sweet Daughter in law. She sent me the most beautiful journal, and a beautiful book called
"The Grieving Garden".
And there was a card. But not just any card. It was beautiful. Starting with the envelope. Can you see the seal?
It's a hummingbird and the seal is gold.
And on my very first blank page of my new journal, (doesn't that blank page look so inviting to those of us who write?) , I'm going to write my first entry. AND I'm going to tell about this treasure, this special gift and I'm not talking about these things you see that mean so much to me, I'm talking about that very special gift that was given to me almost ten years ago, the best, most thoughtful daughter in law anyone could ever have.
When I married a man with a long weird last name and Jonathan was actually born, I knew I couldn't possibly put such a long name on a child, he'd never learn to spell it I thought and so I stayed with Jonathan and added Lee (his father's middle name) instead of Terrence
And then for some odd reason I decided we'd call him LEE. And we did for about three days but it never felt right and so I declared he would be forever Jonathan. We never called him Jon or anything else in our family. Sometime during the time between his death and the memorial, or maybe after the service and there were so many people at our house, I heard someone, one of his friends say how much he hated the way his name was spelled and that he often called himself JO Nathan. (actually his grandmother called him that sometimes affectionately) but when I heard her say this it stung me to the bone. His name was the first gift I ever gave him and although I could have spelled it JOHNATHAN, as I've seen it spelled, that was not the way I wanted to spell it.
I, also at 14, just knew that my second child would be a girl. And I had her name picked out too. She would be Starla Amber. At the time I was pregnant with this second child I was reading a novel and the main character was Carrie. And at the very last moment I decided I loved the name Carrie and so my daughter would have that name.
Well, so much for my intuitiveness about the sex of my second child, and although I could have named him Cary, that was not right. I had not even thought of another boy name and then it came to me. (Their father had nothing to do with naming these children and I'm afraid that was not because he didn't want to have a say so but I'd been through the pregnancies, I'd went through labor, and I was determined I was going to name them!) The name Matthew came to me just as I was about to have to leave the hospital. I never called him anything but Matthew but of course others know him as Matt.
Anyway, I was just remembering that remark about Jonathan not liking the way his name was spelled and thinking how I never knew that. I'm sure there was a lot about Jonathan I didn't know, things his friends knew, or the person he was to them. Some of them that knew him only saw the side of him he wanted them to see. Those of us who were closest to him, who he loved saw all sides, the whole of him. Sometimes it was not pretty, and sometimes he was the most precious person you'd want to be around. But really that is the way we all are.
There are still places I've yet to let my mind go concerning him and before I am truly healed,(well as healed an I can be) I know I'll have to face those things. My mind dances around how he must have felt right before he made the decision he made. But as his mother, I can't go there yet. So, I dismiss those thoughts immediately. There are thoughts I have about the hell he gave us when he was a teen but I can't go there yet either. One thing people always say is "Remember the good times", but I don't want to just remember the good times. He was who he was, the bad times included, and believe me there were very bad times that I need to rethink , but even those moments were a part of his life and I want to remember them too.
I believe there are lessons to be learned there and wisdom that I lacked so much then. I've got 20/20 hindsight about some of those times now. I might have gained wisdom that one day might help someone else or at least help me realize that I did the best I could. I think. How do you know if a child's behavior is just odd teenager rebellion or if there is more going on there? I know now without doubt, he was not just a normal teenager.
And so these are just thoughts I've been greeted with this early Saturday morning. Today ends my first week at work, I'm off tomorrow. It has been an interesting week for me to say the least.
Can't wait to see what awaits me next week. OH wait, I can wait, I have to go back to that Doctor on Tuesday. YUK!
Friday, June 20, 2008
She had an eye infection for which he wrote her a RX but then she also wanted to order new contacts, which is where I come in. As I looked up her account on the computer, she was so nervous, so upset, that she made me a nervous wreck. She dug and dug in her purse looking for a credit card, she constantly apologized, and I kept telling her it was ok. She dropped her purse and bent down to pick it up and the stuff that had dropped out and then she just stopped, plopped her purse down on the counter and these are the words she said to me,
"I'm so sorry, I'm such a mess, but my husband committed suicide three weeks ago."
My heart came to my throat. I immediately came around the counter and put my arms around her and told her "my son did the same thing, about a month ago."
Her look was almost wild. "Oh my God," she said. "Please don't cry."
"I'm not." I said to her.
I went back to my side of the counter and she and I finished the sales transaction.
And then she asked, "How?"
I answered, "He shot himself in the head"
She said, "My husband did the same."
She asked me if I had found him, I told her no and I asked about her and she nodded and told me she had.
She asked, "Why?"
I told her he'd suffered depression most of his life and I guessed he made the decision because he just broke, couldn't take the pain anymore."
I asked if she had any reason why her husband did it.
She told he'd also suffered depression and for the last few years & he'd been trying to get the right meds but she felt like they'd only made him worse.
She told me they'd been best friends since they were 13 and had been married for over 30 years. She told he was the last person in the world she thought would do something like that. She then said, "you have it much worse, I loved my husband to pieces for all those years but I don't know how you're standing here after losing a child.
I told her that it was different but her pain was as real as mine. Pain is pain. She told me she felt like she was such a terrible person to live with that he felt like he had to kill himself. I told her that wasn't true I was sure but I understood the guilt, it was normal. And then, all of a sudden, she turned around and told me she'd come back to me, and she ran, and I mean ran from me out of the store.
It left me stunned.
When I open, I work alone until ten o'clock. It was about nine thirty. I started shaking, and I mean really shaking. I thought maybe I had said too much to her, that I had upset her. I felt so bad for her. And I shook. I felt like I was losing it. A man came in to have new nose pads on his glasses and of course it was nosepads that have to be screwed in. I shook so badly I could hardly do it. Something I can usually do in about a minute, took me almost ten minutes. And I shook.
I started wondering if something was wrong with me since I am doing so much better than her. I wondered if she thought me to be a cold person who seemed to have it all together when it had still been so soon. .
Finally as soon as my associate came in at ten, I went outside and called my mother. She was the only one I knew to call at the time. And believe me, it's taking a chance to go to her when you need some comfort. I told her when she answered that I was at work and I had just had an experience that had shook me up pretty badly and I told her the story. I told her I couldn't keep from shaking and I wasn't sure why, and that I was so worried I'd said something to cause her to have to run from me. I never asked her anything except the same questions she asked me. I wanted to say so much more to her, but it wasn't the right time or place and maybe not even my place to say anything to her.
My mother told me that she was sure it wasn't me who said anything wrong to her and the lady just didn't want to break down there in public, and I can sure understand that, and that is right.
After that, I calmed down a lot and the rest of the day was fine. But I kept looking for her to come back, part of me wanted her to and part of me hopes I don't see her again. It was just so bizarre! In all the years of working retail, no one has ever told me of this experience and now, right when I'm having it, someone else enters my life that has experienced it a week later.
Of course she probably hasn't been pouring her heart out to the World Wide Web and she doesn't have the support group that I have that has wrapped their cyber arms around me from the beginning. Perhaps she hasn't had the people at work to support her as I have or the family to talk things out with. I'm not sure. But I know one thing, everyone grieves differently, and my outlet is to write. I hope she finds some peace soon.
I have much to say to her, and I have nothing to say to her. Am I weird or what?
Today's Inspirational Quote:
"Try not to become a person of success, but rather to become a person of value."
-- Albert Einstein
Thank you Albert. I love you.
And actually they were pretty good to me. She has peppers galore from her farmer cousin's grandson's garden. He is only eight but he is already a farmer in his own right. And because his father is right in the middle of cantaloupe season, she went to the garden and picked bunches of them of which she is freezing for their family so that they'll be able to enjoy them later. I thought that was pretty cool of her.
Happy Friday to you all. I'm off to work soon.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
I'm pretty tired tonight but a good kind of tired. Work was good again, and I had a couple of things I wanted to share because both meant something to me and because I don't want to forget either of them.
Also her mother is coming to this town next Saturday to attend a party for a friend and says that Kammy can stay with me if I want that afternoon. I have to work but she can come after work. The only thing, and I didn't mention this to her mother but that day happens to be Jonathan's birthday. I'm not sure how I'll be that day but then I thought maybe that would be a good thing. My parents are taking a short vacation that weekend and I'd be home all alone that weekend anyway.
I was off yesterday and spent most of the morning with my mother. Like me, she has good days and bad days. She and I, being so very different can offer each other very little comfort. She tends to want to put Jonathan on a pedestal, as we often do when we lose someone and I choose to remember him just as he was, it was who he was, the whole package, the good with the bad. I can be at peace with my thoughts and spend just a little time with her when she is having a bad day and leave her with mixed up feelings. Because it was suicide, we differ in our thoughts about that too, of which I won't get into that here, but anyway, as usual, it is hard for me to understand some of the thoughts she has, and I guess hard for her to understand what I think.
Anyway, off to work I go today again, and we'll see how it goes. I still feel so good physically and for that I am thankful. Work seems to energize me. If I'm home I don't seem to have any motivation to do anything around here. Hoping you all have a good day. (It is cool here for a Georgia June morning (in the 60's) but no worry, we'll get up into the nineties before the day is over.)
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
It makes you rethink everything you thought you understood. It makes you feel compassion for complete strangers, because you know they too have probably at some point felt your pain, or you know at some time in their lives that they will. None of us can escape that. And it makes you remember how very fragile life can be. IT makes me try and take this pain I have that hurts so badly and convert it to something that will help me have a better understanding for my fellow humans.
Nobody knows better than I how stressful it is to live from paycheck to paycheck but money is just money. If you lose your home, your vehicles, your worldly possessions it is hard, but if you lose a person, a child, a parent, a grandparent, a friend, then you know that you'd trade all of those things in a heartbeat just to have them back with you.
Death reminds us to appreciate the living. For me personally, the world's biggest introvert, it has reminded me that I need people. I need to remember that we are all connected, our stories are different but our beginnings and our ends are always the same. It's the time in between the beginning and the end that is important. We celebrate births and we grieve deaths and I'm thinking, no matter how hard life gets on this earth, how painful the things we face each day are, there is a gift given to us every day. Some people see those gifts, some people don't. They are hidden in every living thing , in the sunset, the rising of a full moon, the laughter of a child.
For me, now, it is that beauty I seek out every moment. I have a great respect for every one's religion and beliefs and through my own beliefs, which I've known were the right ones for me for sometime now, I am glad to say they have not let me down. The faith I have in nature proves truer to me now than ever before.
The trust I've put in the whole of the universe, the true balance that I believe is the answer to all things have made me understand that this is my journey, this is my life and though I had to let go of a precious person that was my son, he is among those gifts given to me each day, he is here, he is there, he is in my heart, he is just where he is suppose to be. He is just where my creator has planned for him to be. And now, knowing he is safe, knowing he is a part of all that I hold sacred in this world, I can move on to appreciate the living and remind them everyday how much I love them and respect them and strive to live what's left of my
"in between" without hurting anyone and without selfishness. And to remember how lonely life can be if you don't let people "in" sometimes.
These are just my thoughts today on this path I am walking.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
And I had about as close to a perfect day as one person could ask for.
After conference call this morning my boss called and we talked for a long time, she's known for quite some time that I was thinking of moving to Washington and it is of no surprise to her that I've made the decision to do that after whatever treatment I have to have for the cancer is completed.
One of the reasons I debated and debated for over a year now to make the decision had to do with my job. I've worked for the same company for going on 14 years now and I like the company and the thought of trying to find another job and starting over somewhere was scary to me. But today she made me feel so good, she said she'd help me with a transfer and there are lots of stores up that way, and we'd get me somewhere. She told me I was a valued employee and that there would always be a place for me someplace. So I can't tell you how good that made me feel.
And then, well, there was that one little thing about me being late for work. I was looking at a clock on the wall that I knew was losing time, it needs a new battery but I had forgotten that and turns out it was an hour behind. Good thing I'm the manager or I wouldn't have bought that reason and would have gotten in trouble, but I hurried up and ended up being only thirty minutes late. But as I pulled out of my yard onto the dirt drive to the main road, there stood the most beautiful Doe I've ever seen. She stood there long enough for me to get a good look at her and she at me and then very calmly just walked into the woods. She was the most beautiful color.
After I got on the paved road I saw something in the middle of the road, now remember this is around noon and it was sunny. It was a huge Owl. I had to stop and look at him, and I wondered what in the world he was doing out in the bright sunlight. He flew off after a little while , and I thought, "goodness", people pay good money to see the creatures I've just seen .
Work was pleasant. We got a lot done and we laughed a lot and we had a good sales day.
I closed and there is sometimes not a lot of customers that come in during that last hour but tonight I was visited by the sweetest, purest of heart fellow human being I've ever known. She is a lovely lady, in her late 70's, regal with pecan colored skin, very tall and just as beautiful as she can be. She's always been a favorite of ours and she's very spiritual and it comes from so deep in her soul, I heard myself telling her of the things I've faced in the last two months. You should have heard the words she said to me, and the comfort she brought me is such that I felt blessed by an angel when she left me. We call her "Ms. Essie".
When I got home, our family had received a card from our neighbors, telling us that a donation for a church here in town had been made in Loving memory of Jonathan. It was a church building fund where he and Matthew had gone to Bible School and it was so sweet and I am so grateful and touched.
On the way home the full moon was rising and it was pink, baby pink. I watched it all the way home, it was beautiful and by the time I got home it had turned orange and was the brightest I've ever remembered it being.
And so that was my Perfect Day.
It may not sound all that exciting or amazing but it is the best day I've had for sometime now.
And for the cherry on top, I feel soooo much better physically than I have in so long.
When you look for beauty and blessings you can find them and then sometimes they just come to you. And today they just came. And for that I am thankful.
I noticed when she was here she was wearing a little beaded necklace so I'm going to work on a necklace for her too.
If you're a little dog named "Sweetie" and you have the opportunity to go visit Grandma, you spend some of your time begging Grandma for a treat, (my mother started this by always giving her some little treat when she goes up there, and now she expects it and begs, and I tell my mother when Sweetie looks at her she must look like a big pork chop.) But once you give up on Grandma on the treats then you proceed on to your next favorite thing and that is the sport of lizard hunting. That is what she is doing here, and it is so funny to watch her. When she spots one, her little stubb of a tail starts wagging and the hunt is on.
She very seldom catches one but when she does it is not pretty. It's like when a cat catches a mouse. She plays with him for a minute until he just has no fight in him and then she very seldom eats him. But mostly it's just the fun of the chase. And for the poor lizard I am grateful. But I do so love to watch Sweetie in action.
It is an early morning call and I don't go into work actually until noon and I will close the store at eight, it's my night to work late.
So, I'm getting a second cup of coffee and listen to my boss fuss about how bad sales are and not taking the excuse that the cost of gas and the cost of food is causing people to put off buying new glasses right now. But it's true. It's just the way it is right now, but it is her job to make sure we are doing all we can. And so that is what I will do for the next 45 minutes.
Monday, June 16, 2008
I spent most of my time catching up on memos from our home office and talking with Steph about things that had been discussed on our weekly conference call, and I even had time to catch up on my associates lives and what's been up with them.
SO, see, all those thoughts for me helped greatly.
Thank you all who wished me well.
There were a few people who I knew as customers who made it a point to tell me how sorry they were and to give me a hug, and one sweet lady in particular came in to buy contacts. She's been a customer of ours for a long time and after she finished with her purchase she told me how sorry she was and hugged me and whispered to me that she too had lost a child, so she understood what I was going through. I thanked her and told her we were "kindred" spirits. AND... I handled all that with no tears! (ok, maybe one or two) but it was sweet of her to tell me that. I am drawn to those who tell me that they've lost children, I do feel a kinship with them because I know their pain. And even years later its still in their eyes when they mention it.
So, OH, and I almost forgot. Before the leave of absence I could hardly hold out a whole day, so the hysterectomy helped me so much, I was so weak and ached all over and was anemic. I remember hardly being able to get through the day before my surgery, so yay! I'm tired, but just a little.
So, there's my report.
I hope you all had a good Monday.
Thanks again for sending all those good vibes.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
I thought I'd have a hysterectomy, have a nice 6 week rest and return and things would go on as usual. Boy was I wrong!
The person who will show up at work tomorrow is not the same person who left for sure. It just goes to show you that in blink of an eye, things can change.
As weird as this sounds, and you know my thoughts can go that way sometimes, losing my uterus and my son exactly a month apart have a connection. I will not miss that womb, as it was causing me lots of problems and it was sick but it was where my first born started and grew, it was there he lived right under my heart for nine months. It was there where his little heart beat and there where he'd kick so hard, you could actually see those kicks if you watched. His father and I would laugh because once he got going, he'd kick and kick. That womb did a good job keeping him safe and healthy until he made his appearance into this old world.
So, tomorrow I go back to my life as a very different person. I've lost but I've found out a lot about myself, I've found strength I never thought I had. And I go back with the reminder of how precious time is and how your life can change in the blink of an eye.
But I'm ready to go back. It is time. I need some sort of routine again and I need to be out and about in the world, or at least this part of the world. And I know whatever I must face with my health, I can do it!
My mother married him the year I turned 20. I was already married and was expecting Jonathan at the time. And he is 9 years older than me and 11 years younger than her, so although I've never really thought of him as my father figure, he is the grandfather of my children in every way.
When Jonathan was born, he was only 29, and he proudly told all the nurses that this was his grandson. They just laughed at him and thought he was just very strange. But it was true and having no children of his own, and not being able to because of an accident he'd had in his early 20's, it worked out well.
I have made a few pieces of Jewelry for my little granddaughter Kammy. Just some bracelets on elastic that I'm hoping she will like. I know she doesn't know me yet, and she is very shy but I can't wait until she can say to me she loves me. But she doesn't know me yet, and she lives an hour and a half away and we are emailing, I don't won't to rush her but I can't wait to hear those words, "I Love you Grandma Robbin". Maybe I will hear them one day.
Love you Matthew,
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Thank you Steph for being there. And I'm sorry I haven't thanked you before now.
We've been best friends for 13 or 14 years now. We've worked together that long too which is where we met. We've worked together in three different towns for the same company. Our lives are different now, I'm very much an introvert, she is married now and has a child (named after me whom I love with all my heart) and we don't have a lot of time to spend with each other as she is involved with family and her church and other things. But we're always just an email away and boy has she had some heart wrenching emails from me those first few weeks.
Thank you Steph for standing by me when I got the news. You're in my heart forever. But you knew that.
And of course the people outside of our family, are asking that question because Jonathan hid well his hurting heart. He was kind and funny to his friends and gave them good advice about their own lives, and so this has shocked some of them. But it never shocked me. Of course I never wanted it to happen and I had the thought locked in the deepest part of my soul and hoped I'd never have to experience what it would cause for us.
I think the first words I said when I was told was "Where was he?" "How"? and then I said something like, "This does not shock me" or something like "This is not something I wasn't expecting." And the very moment I was told, I felt a weight being lifted from me. I didn't think about it until much later but as crazy as it sounds, I did. And I think that was his own pain that I'd felt for so long. But HIS was gone and I knew that immediently. And in those first few moments of being told I felt relief and almost peace. Of course that didn't last as within the next moments as things sank in I felt like my heart had been ripped from me.
I didn't allow myself to think about those first feelings at first because they confused me and I thought how could I have felt Relief when I was told he was gone but now I understand. We feel every pain our child has, whether he has a skinned knee at six or he suffers every day of his life with depression. As mothers we FEEL it all from them and we carry it with us. Maternal Love is a complicated kind of love and one not something you can explain, you have to feel it.
And so that is how I know for sure he is no longer huring. When he took his own pain away, it lifted from me. But it was replaced with hurt that will be with me forever now, and it's my pain for myself. I know longer hurt for him. He is in peace now.
Going back is going to be strange. It scares me a little, I still have some very unstable moments that catch me when I least expect it. Sometimes things that come up will not cause me to get upset that you'd think would and then other things, something you wouldn't think would, will.
But I suppose work will be a distraction. And I have to work. And so I dread it and look forward to it all at the same time.
My world stopped for a little while and now I have to join back in where people still get up and go to work and deal with people, and have routines. Back in the rat race.
Friday, June 13, 2008
The Daily Warrior . It is such a peaceful place to visit and she is a Warrior for sure, so visit her when you have time. I posted the rules of the one she wrote below and her poem was beautiful, and so I thought I'd give it a try since I love poetry and words. Aisling, over at The Quiet Country House, introduced me to many different types of poetry last year on her blog and I enjoyed it so much. So anyway here are the rules and the definition of a cinquain.
A cinquain has five lines. Line 1 is one word (the title). Line 2 is two words that describe the title. Line 3 is three words that tell the action. Line 4 is four words that express the feeling. Line 5 is one word that recalls the title.
I wrote three of them, and I'm new at it but I'll share.
No longer whole
Can it be mended?
drips like rain
contantly in my heart
is needed always
What I seek daily
My mother has bird feeders and today she said, "I need to put food in the feeders so the FISH have something to eat."
I lost my cell phone while I was up at my mom's. We called my number but no ring. I knew it was there, I just knew I had brought it with me. Finally after searching everywhere, I realized I had left it at home on the charger, but I could have sworn I had it with me.
My mother gets Cantaloupe this time of year from her farmer cousin and she called me up there to tell me to come get a tomato and that she had cut it up and put it in a Ziploc for me already. I wondered why she would want me to have one tomato and then cut it up for me. When I got there, it was a cantaloupe.
I got a nice sympathy card from Jonathan's 6th grade teacher today and I wanted to show it to my mom but I forgot to bring it in. I told her about it and then later I said, let me go to the car and get that tennis shoe Mrs. Gay sent.
We just have to laugh at ourselves, and hope this is a temporary thing. So, if I write something here that makes no since whatsoever, just try to figure out what I mean, ok? There's no telling what I'm really trying to say.