Today I have a Dr's appointment. It is just a follow up with the gynecologist, scheduled a month ago and then next week I go back to the oncologist. Funny, just a few weeks ago this all seemed so traumatic, the scare of the cancer, the surgery. Now it seems like nothing to me compared to the pain I've experienced lately.
I spent yesterday afternoon alone for the the first significant amount of awake time since all this happened. I'm a loner, I am usually comfortable alone but I don't want to be alone, and I don't want to be around people. How's that for being confused?
I am going to the Dr alone this morning. My mother would go with me if I wanted but I am ok to do this alone, although when I get in the car I may have the urge to drive and drive and drive in search of a place where I don't hurt anymore, but I know there is no such place right now.
And I worry about the people in my life. My son, who has to deal with me and his grandmother and his brother's belongings and his own family and even a father who has been absent from his life since he was nine. I worry about my mother who I know is hurting but my own pain is so bad I don't know how to help her and she is not one who knows how to "share" pain. She goes from being "strong" to helping me to accusing me that I'm not the only one who hurts. (Twilight zone time with her as usual.) She goes from telling other people she is all for me going to live in Washington to telling me in private that she can't believe I am going to desert her and my step-father.
I worry about my best friend, and other friends who don't know how to help me and are hurting for me and want to help and I can't tell them how to help me.
And I know with time it will get better. I also know I have to live with this big empty feeling that Jonathan has left me with. And I know I can try and fill it with all this love and concern from the people who love me and nature's beauty and with the comfort in little things I am searching for every minute of the day.
But for now, this moment I just worry.