Saturday, January 31, 2009

A Weekend of Work

I can't seem to reach a nice balance in my work life at the moment. I don't know what's more stressful, being not busy at work or actually being busy. We've been slammed for the last two days, all week really but especially Thursday and Friday. And that's a good thing unless your payroll has been cut and you are short at least one person during this time. But somehow we manage even if I do feel like I've been hit by a Mac truck when I get home. And I know my fellow associates feel the same way. I sort of over did it on Thursday and paid for it yesterday but this morning I feel much better. Looks like it's either famine or feast lately for us.
It's cold here this morning. I at least don't have to go in until 10:30 today.
It's my whole weekend to work, so I don't get a day off until Wednesday but then I have next weekend off and my plans are to get some stuff packed up.
A couple of people who had crossed Jonathan's life path crossed mine this week. One was the appartment manager where he'd lived for about six months a few years ago. He came in as a customer and asked me how my son was. It took me a minute to realize who he was and then I had to tell him about Jonathan. The other was a person he'd attended kindergarden with. She has quite a unique name and he used to accidently bring her work home, and we'd kid him that she was his girlfriend. It would make him so mad, but time after time he'd have her work in his book bag. Low and behold she came in and made an appointment yesterday and though she had no idea, memories of that little boy, so cute and sweet flooded my mind.
And that's about all I know at this point in my life. I'm just biding time I guess and ready to get on with the next part.
Hope your weekend is a good one.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Nothing Exciting

Here it is Thursday and I've not blogged since Monday. Really there is not much going on for me but work, work, and work. Things have picked up a little this week and that is a good thing. People are starting to get their tax refunds and although they are still guarded on what they buy, they are at least buying glasses. The next month is a big budgeted month so I hope it continues.

Still nothing on a transfer and I'm still trying to figure out the health care isssue but all in all I am in good spirits and getting more and more excited about my move. It is in fact all that is on my mind.

I'm reading an autobiography called "Home" by Julie Andrews. It is very interesting and I'm enjoying it a bunch. I noticed John Grisham has a new novel and I used to be a big fan but have not enjoyed his last few novels as much and I'm not sure I'll read this one.

And so that is where I am at the moment. I hope your day is a good one, I'm going to try to have a good one.



Monday, January 26, 2009

Monday Again

A new work week starts and I'm expecting a busy day today. The Dr.'s book is nearly full and even if we have some no shows we should be fairly busy.
Not much else going on with me lately, just work it seems, which pretty much wipes me out and when I come home I just crash.
My hair is coming in nicely although still not enough to not wear a hat, my widow's peak and little sideburns show now under my hats. I hope by the spring and my move I can go hatless.
So, I hope your week is a good one. The weeks just seem to click by, don't they?

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Traveling West

Matthew and I are looking forward to driving back west together. He described it as "a liberating pilgramage west". Of course our wagon will be a small U haul truck but we can pretend huh? Jonathan made that drive twice. He was my wild child remember and the first time he drove out he called me often and would say, "Oh Mama, I wish you could see this!" And so I hope he knows that I will finally get to see some of the things he saw.
Matthew has dreamed of me doing it too, and we always have such a good time together so I know it will be a once in a life time thing and we hope to make the most of it.
And we'll have it a little easier than the original pioneers. Here's what they had to take with them.
"They would take as many supplies as they could with them. Some of the the food they would take included: yeast for baking, crackers, cornmeal, bacon, eggs, dried meat, potatoes, rice, beans, and a big barrel of water. The pioneers might even take some chocolate for special occasions. They would also take a cow if they had one. They would use it for milk and meat. Pioneers made their own clothing so they brought cloth to sew, needles, thread, pins, scissors, and leather to fix worn-out shoes. They had to make their own repairs so they brought saws, hammers, axes, nails, string and knives. " (from this site.)

Just This & That

Yesterday my boss showed up in our store to do the inspection for that big clean up we had. We passed on everything. So I was proud of that. I also gave her my last day I was planning to work in this store, so that felt good. Makes it real.
She said she knew I needed to be up in Washington with my son but she'd rather he be down here with me. Sorry.
Our Dr. took yesterday and today off. Usually when the Dr. is off we don't do too much but yesterday was an exception. We had a lot of outside scrips and so we ended up with a pretty good day. Don't know what to expect for today.
For all of you who commented yesterday, thank you. As always you all are my inspiration and remind me that nothing is impossible. I'm not going to stress out about any of it anymore and just have faith that it will work out. My heart knows this is what I have to do, what I need.
And so I have to get ready for work with the hope we are busy. When we are not it makes for a very long day. I hope you all have a great day.

Friday, January 23, 2009


My mind is spinning, my thoughts have been consumed with just how I can afford to take a year off when I move. Nothing is easy as you know and it turns out my company pays a lot more for their part of our group policy which means Cobra for me would be way expensive. And because I've had Cancer, getting private insurance is not so easy and if I do could be quite expensive.
I can't take the chance of getting caught without health insurance. And so, I'm trying to get back on track of realizing I need to try and stay with the company and transfer. But even that doesn't seem that possible. There is really nothing so close that I wouldn't be commuting for quite some time each day. So, that is why my mind is spinning you see.
I know it will all work out but in the meantime the stress my boss is putting on me because of low sales is not helping. She is concerned I'm not doing all I can be doing to bring in business.
I am just a mess right now.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

A Long Story

I thought I'd share the story of the time I knew the person I spoke of yesterday. He popping back in for a moment has brought back memories of the story. And no, I've not called him back yet but if I don't I think my mother is, lol.

It all started when the man who owned the house we rented decided to rent out the property across the street in lots for mobile homes. One day a big long mobile home appeared and a man, in his fifties I will guess now, came over and introduced himself. He was the first person I can ever remember meeting from up North, he was from Indiana. He explained that he had moved down first because he had a job in our little town and that his wife and son were coming later. He talked of his son with pride, he was a big shot football player and would make our local football team a legend. Umm, I thought. My father and he sort of hit it off and afternoon he was at our house and pretty soon he was a fixture at our supper table.

I'm not sure how long before his family arrived but when they finally did, his son was arrogant and snobbish. To him I was just a pest . I think he was fifteen at the time. I was twelve. He was plenty good looking though. His mother on the other hand became one of my favorite people in the world. She and I immediately became buddies. She made me feel so special.

The events that happened next have stayed with me all these years. She found a lump in her breast. She went to the Doctor by herself to get the results and it was cancer. She called her husband at work to tell him and he dropped dead right there at work on the phone with her from a heart attack. Can you imagine?

Because we were basically the only people they knew in our town, my parents just took over and helped her get through it. She had to have her breast removed, she had radiation. Her son became withdrawn and so sad and the only person he really had anything to do with was my father. They played horseshoes for hours of every day.

I remember we all watched man walk on the moon for the first time together. I remember the son listened to Neil Diamond all the time. And I remember how my parents gave this family so much that summer. The son went on to play football that year, when his mother wasn't able to go to the games, my family did. When she was able to drive herself to her many Dr.'s visits I went with her and she always treated me to a burger at the Dairy King. Yes it was a Dairy King. And it was a big deal to me, I had never gotten fast food much before that. She convinced my mother to let me finally shave my legs, she bought me little gifts that she knew I would love.
After her treatment she got better and they became less dependent on my parents. She made other friends and her son did too. But the year I turned 14, he finally noticed me as something other than a pest. It was short lived however as one of his big shot high school buddies convinced him I was too young and he really should be dating a cheerleader. (I was not a cheerleader, lol.)
We soon moved to another house and although we still saw them, it was not nearly as often and pretty soon her cancer came back. She had an older son who was still in Indiana and this time he came and got her. She died there. She was brought back to our little Georgia town however to be buried beside her husband. And that was the last time I saw her son. He had joined the Navy by then and had a wife by his side. He stood there in his Navy Whites, as handsome as ever.
And that's the story.
As I think about it, my life mirrors his mother's life somewhat. She had to deal with terrible grief and cancer at the same time. I remember visiting her husbands grave with her and she'd lay down right on his grave stone and cry. I'd always been taught you shouldn't stand on grave stones and it amazed me to watch her unabandoned feelings take over and to see her grieve like that.

And I just remembered something else. His older half brother who had come and got his mother was Mormon. And remember I said he was in Utah? Ummm.
Ok, ok, I know I have to call him. I will. Maybe.

Monday, January 19, 2009

A Blast from the Past and I'm Chicken

Yesterday the oddest thing happened. My step father called me and said he'd gotten a phone call from someone that was looking for me. When he told me this person's name I didn't recognize it at first. He said he used to live across the street from me. And so he did, when I was 12 and he moved away when I was 14. I was in fact so in love with him. Well as in love as a little girl that age can be. My stepfather told him he'd give me his number and I could call him if I wanted to. I have no idea how he tracked me down through my stepfather as my mother at the time I knew him was married to my father and we lived in another town.
I was too chicken to call him. He is in Utah now. I know this because I looked up his number in the reverse phone number website. Very strange.
If I get up the courage I may just call him to find out how he found me. He'd be probably 54 or 55 by now, he was older than me by a couple of years. WOW. I often wonder if the people who have come and gone out of my life ever think of me as I think of them and maybe some do, huh? I have wondered a few times whatever happened to him. You just never know.

THE Decision

All along since I'd decided to make my move I'd wanted to hold on to the connection with the company I work for. It made sense, there are stores sort of close by where I want to live. And Matthew and I wanted me to live in the town where they are, not an hour away or further. If I am moving to be with them, I want to be close by. There aren't any stores really that close and I'd spend a good bit of time commuting to and from work. Something about this move has not felt right.
Last week it hit me. Why am I holding on to this job? Of course I'll need a job but for now I need to be with the people I love much more. I need some time to regroup and to nourish my granddaughter, and I need to be nourished myself. And that is being and always has been offered to me on a silver platter. Pride has stood in my way. I didn't want to move into my son's house and depend on him to take care of me, it would be too much of a burden on him and my daughter in law. But guess what? This is what they want and this is what I need for now.
This decision brings me such peace I can't believe it. And to have a son who wants this for me feels me with such joy I can't begin to express it.
And so I think I'm going to let my job go for now. I will be offered Cobra and I can get a little part time job maybe to help pay for that. I am really pretty debt free except for my cell phone and car insurance and little things like that. I think I can make it work and take off at least six months to a year.
It sounds a little crazy to give up a job during these times but there comes a time when money is not the most important thing.
And so that is where I stand at the moment. Sometimes the answer is right in front of you even when you can't see it.

Friday, January 16, 2009


Maybe now that the dust has settled, maybe now that I've had time to breathe and think, maybe this is the reason that I am totally lost and confused. My heart hurts constantly with the pain of Jonathan's death. Our doctor has two grown sons and it is a constant reminder to me that I don't.
I had treatment at the same time as some older people that I knew that have died from their cancers, and I feel guilty about that, I feel like I'm not as grateful as I should be. I also know some of them that had to go on and have more rounds of chemo and radiation. My joy for not having to go through this is dimmed when I find out what they have to go through. I wish they didn't have to.
The stress of my job is getting to me as business is not so great and my boss is questioning me as to what I'm doing to cure this. And to be honest, my heart is not in it. In fact I am questioning that retail is what I really want to do anymore. It is hard, people when they don't have money are not always so nice and they are so desperate for money that they are wanting refunds.
For the first time in my life I am thinking of talking to someone professional. I can't shake the depression and I need to get my thoughts together and be not such a mess when I move. I have the need to help others but how can I do that when I'm not handling things so well myself?

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Tuesday Morning Thoughts

Well, conference call for me this morning. And if you read my blog regularly you know how I feel about that so I won't elaborate.
The newest thing about me is that I can't stay up at night even long enough to watch much TV, I'm ready for bed by eight thirty. And I sleep all night. I guess my body is just catching up on sleep, so I don't fight it. But it makes for a life where all I seem to do is work, eat and sleep. Oh well. That makes for pretty boring blogging too but after the year I had last year, boring is ok for now.
Of the three district managers my boss emailed about my transferring only one of them was really willing to work with me, meaning I'd have to float around until maybe an opening came in Tacoma. One did say something may be brewing and to contact him closer to the time I get ready to move, and the other one had a "maybe" position in a town way too far for me to drive. I'm a little bummed about that, I was hoping something perfect would just be there. And maybe still it might come, we'll see.
At work, things are slow, we have people coming in but most of them just don't have the money right now to buy glasses. That makes my job stressful as my boss doesn't take the state of the economy as an excuse. I'm sure she is under stress too and it flows downhill.
Hopefully people will get tax refunds and maybe they'll buy glasses. It is usually our best time of year so we're hopeful.
Anyway, hope you have a good day and week.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Another Week Starts

Our little burst of warmer weather has gone and it is in the thirties this morning and projected to be in the high teens by the end of the week. So time to bundle up again. We go from sweats and heavy coats to short sleeves and back again. It is just life in Georgia. I should be used to it by now.
Our big clean up at work is going well, we are almost done. We gave away what we could and threw away bunches and now we have much more space and it is nice. It will take some getting used to to be without the coffee pot, the fridge and the microwave but we will do what we have to do.
I was off yesterday and really did not accomplish very much, it was a nice quiet day just to relax and get ready for the new week, so that is what I did. I tried to stay up and watch the Golden Globe Awards but I didn't get through it all.
So another week starts and we'll see what it holds. Hoping a wonderful week for you all and a special prayer or my friend Tammy who is sick with a cold and not checking her computer right now, I know, but my thoughts are with you my friend and I miss you!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Celebrating Women

If I'd been given a choice at birth I think I would have chosen the gender that I am. Even after being warned of all the things that come with being a woman. We are really something. If you think about it, women are the backbone of all there is in this world. We are strong but tender, we are supportive but know when to push hard, we encourage and advise. And the most wonderful thing about women are we are there for each other. I mean who understands all our moods and worries and joys and fears better than another woman?
We are mothers and grandmothers, sisters and daughters,daughter in laws, wives and friends. I've talked about the last few days not feeling right, not feeling like myself, feeling not so sure footed and yesterday at work a couple of things happened that brought on the tears that I've held at bay all week. The two women I worked with yesterday listened to me, hugged me, made me laugh and was just there for me. And just plain understood without judging me or laughing at me. For that I am grateful and glad I happen to work with other women. And you know what? Age has nothing much to do with the support we give each other. An older woman can learn a lot from a younger woman.
It is from women that I get support from here too, strong women who so unselfishly are there to offer an encouraging word or a cyber hug.
Yes, I'm proud to be a woman and to have such strong amazing women in my life. I don't think I'd have it any other way.

Friday, January 09, 2009

Clean Clothes and Back to Work

Back to work for me today. I don't think since I've been back to work that I've actually had two days off in a row until this week. I did laundry yesterday, I think everything I had was dirty and I was a little off, not sure why, just not much energy. But this morning I am fine and ready to get back to work.
My District manager emailed three or four other district managers in the area where I want to transfer. So far we have heard from one who sounds really positive in that she will work with me and maybe I'd have to float around before actually getting into a store that is near where I'd like to stay. So that is good news. I'm hoping maybe we'll hear from some of the others that may have an opening but so far we've not.
As I've said before, transferring with my company is a security blanket to me and will make the move a lot less scary for me for sure.
I'm still in a weird place in my mind, full of questions like what is my place in this world and so ready to change my life and be near my family. I feel almost in limbo for now and not quite sure who I even am at the moment. I'm working through it as best I can.
Anyhow....nothing much going on for now, I hope you have a good Friday. I'm going to do my best to do just that.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Changes From Within

I was awaken around four A.M. by heavy wind and rain. It only lasted a little while but it scared my poor little dog to death. She hates bad weather. She's not always been that way, just something that has developed in her older years.
I have a dentist appointment just for a cleaning this morning and I also need to go to the laundry mat but because I have tomorrow off too, I may put that off until tomorrow. We'll see.
I don't feel like myself lately. I'm not sure what it is exactly or how to explain it except that I feel like I'm in some sort of stage of metamorphosis. And I guess that makes sense after the things I've experienced. It is not a bad feeling but one of uncertainty as if I don't know who exactly I'll be when I come out of the other end. It feels like one of those rides at the fair where your back is against the wall and you are spinning and the floor sinks down. I seem to think more before I take a step or say a word. It is really weird. Just part of my life's journey I guess. I'll just hold on tight and see where it leads me.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Just Work Stuff

After not having conference call for the last four weeks, our boss made up for it this morning for sure. We were on almost two hours! I mute and put the phone on speaker, saves the ear. You just have to be ready to unmute if she speaks to you personally which she doesn't do that often or in case you have something to add or ask, which I don't often either. I close tonight and so I don't go in until noon. So, back to normal I guess.
I've turned in to my boss the stores that are within driving distance to where I want to move, so, let's see if anyone wants me or needs me. I pray they do.
My little dog Sweetie is restless this morning, she wants in and out and is driving me nuts but then I'm a little restless too.
We have a big clean up to do at work. Because Walmart is supposedly on a campaign to clean up their stores, even though our particular store is not owned by Walmart, we are having to make some changes also. No more decorations, no more food in the vision center. We have a room set off to the side where we have a little fridge and a microwave but that's history now. Also all the decorations, even the stored decorations have to go. So, it is a big cleaning we have to work on. It won't be too bad, just finding the time to do it.
And that's about all I know for now. Nothing real exciting. That comes later.

Monday, January 05, 2009

Happy First Monday of 2009

One good thing about having to work on Sunday is that you get two days off during the week. I usually like to have mine next to each other, so I'm off Wednesday and Thursday. On Wednesday I have errands to run and a dentist appointment for a cleaning.
I haven't given a hair report for a while but I am getting it. Still not enough not to wear a hat but it is growing back pretty good lately. I can actually get a hold of enough in the back to pull.
Today marks the day when things get pretty much back to normal. School starts back, lots of people who've been off go back, and no more holidays for a while.
Back during my deal with Chemo I bought a necklace for myself that has a charm that simply says, "One Day at a Time." It was a reminder that I needed to do just that. I've worn it ever since and yesterday at work almost everyone that came in noticed it and commented on it. One of my favorite customers came in and commented and before I knew it I was telling her about my year and my plans. Turns out a few years ago she moved here from California and started all over. She is about my age. She moved here because her mom was here and was sick and needed her. She'd lived in California her whole life. She was such an inspiration to me, she assured me I was doing the right thing and that it would be the best thing I could ever do. She gave me a big hug as she left and told me she would miss me. I've not shared anything so personal with any of my customers and I'm not sure why I opened up to her but I'm glad I did.
And so, I'm off to get ready for work. Happy Monday morning!

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Wading Through the Paperwork

It's my Sunday to work. I have loads of paperwork to do, not just end of the week, or month, but the year also. It is enough to keep me busy for most of the five hours that I have to work.
Concentrating on my job and what is right for our store is going to be a challenge for me these next few months. I have moving on the brain. This week I will give my District Manager the list of stores that are in the vicinity that I want to transfer to and we'll see what happens. Staying with this company is sort of a security blanket to me. I have been with them for 15 years this year, I am familiar with them, I just want to stay with them if anyway possible. So we'll see what happens. I'm a good employee, I'd want me if I was available, lol.
The idea of moving so far from here still scares the begibbers out of me but when I am with my family I know all that will go away. For some reason I have a real connection with that state anyway, I have for a long time, way before Matthew ever moved out there. thoughts are obsessed with the move now and I'm ready for things to move forward, which they will, faster than I can imagine I suppose.
Hope your Sunday is a pleasant one whatever you are doing today.

Friday, January 02, 2009

Don't Do Today what You Can Put off 'til Tomorrow??

I'm so weird today. I can't say I'm nervous, or restless. It is more like I have Attention Deficit Disorder. Umm, maybe I do have ADD but for me it means A Disorganized Disaster. Things have piled up around me, some things I need, some not so much. But I have no motivation to get going on trying to organize any of it. I have to you know. I'm moving in a few months. There, I said it out loud and matter of factly. I'm moving. I've moved before. Let's see, in my life time I can tell you how many times I've moved. Exactly eight times. Mostly within the same area and the furthest was about 60 miles since I was an adult. Probably around 250 miles when my parents divorced and my mother and I ended in South Georgia.
Moving is a great way to not get cluttered down in junk. Unless you are like my grandmother was who just moved her junk from one place to the next.
At any rate I have got to get a plan going here. Being sick for six months didn't help. I let things pile up. Plus if you live out in the country and you have to haul your stuff off and you don't have a truck or a man, it is hard. For sure it is.
And so, today I just feel a bit overwhelmed but I'll work through it.
It is a beautiful day outside and Sweetie and I have spent some of the morning out in the sunshine. It is almost 70 degrees right now. (see I told you I was easily distracted today!)
So is my life for now, today I'm planning in my head but pretty soon this planning has to be put into action. Time is marching on you know. SO stop procrastinating, ROBBIN! Maybe I'll just play like Miss Scarlett and worry about it all tomorrow! Hush Mammy!

Thursday, January 01, 2009

I am such a party animal. I was in bed by eight fifteen and sound asleep dreaming sweet dreams by midnight. I heard several texts coming in on my phone but I didn't even look at them until this morning. They were Happy New Year wishes from several people and one from someone whose number I didn't recognize. Either someone who had a little too much to drink and dialed a wrong number or maybe straight from Jonathan up in heaven. I prefer to think the latter.
I know that this is going to sound really a bit strange but as soon as I woke up this morning things seem different. I can't explain it and maybe I'm putting way too much hope on this brand new year. I can never remember feeling this way before on the start of a new year. I just seem to have such hope for myself, for my family, for my friends, and for our country. So we shall see what happens.
I have to work today but it is only a short day, we close at three.
Since my mother is out of town, I will not be having black eyed peas and collard greens today, I am instead having PIZZA. My co-worker and I have already decided that we are having one delivered and it will also be the last of my bad eating, I'll go back to lean meats and veggies.
And so that is my plans for today. Hoping you all a good First Day of the Year. I am glad to see its arrival. Hope it is good to us all!