Maybe now that the dust has settled, maybe now that I've had time to breathe and think, maybe this is the reason that I am totally lost and confused. My heart hurts constantly with the pain of Jonathan's death. Our doctor has two grown sons and it is a constant reminder to me that I don't.
I had treatment at the same time as some older people that I knew that have died from their cancers, and I feel guilty about that, I feel like I'm not as grateful as I should be. I also know some of them that had to go on and have more rounds of chemo and radiation. My joy for not having to go through this is dimmed when I find out what they have to go through. I wish they didn't have to.
The stress of my job is getting to me as business is not so great and my boss is questioning me as to what I'm doing to cure this. And to be honest, my heart is not in it. In fact I am questioning that retail is what I really want to do anymore. It is hard, people when they don't have money are not always so nice and they are so desperate for money that they are wanting refunds.
For the first time in my life I am thinking of talking to someone professional. I can't shake the depression and I need to get my thoughts together and be not such a mess when I move. I have the need to help others but how can I do that when I'm not handling things so well myself?