Friday, January 16, 2009

Confessions

Maybe now that the dust has settled, maybe now that I've had time to breathe and think, maybe this is the reason that I am totally lost and confused. My heart hurts constantly with the pain of Jonathan's death. Our doctor has two grown sons and it is a constant reminder to me that I don't.
I had treatment at the same time as some older people that I knew that have died from their cancers, and I feel guilty about that, I feel like I'm not as grateful as I should be. I also know some of them that had to go on and have more rounds of chemo and radiation. My joy for not having to go through this is dimmed when I find out what they have to go through. I wish they didn't have to.
The stress of my job is getting to me as business is not so great and my boss is questioning me as to what I'm doing to cure this. And to be honest, my heart is not in it. In fact I am questioning that retail is what I really want to do anymore. It is hard, people when they don't have money are not always so nice and they are so desperate for money that they are wanting refunds.
For the first time in my life I am thinking of talking to someone professional. I can't shake the depression and I need to get my thoughts together and be not such a mess when I move. I have the need to help others but how can I do that when I'm not handling things so well myself?

6 comments:

linda said...

hi robbin...I follow you so have kept up with your busy days since getting better and have been amazed at your strength...now perhaps it is catching up a bit and your fried brain is yelling "uncle"....I don't know but wanted to stop by and offer a hug (((((robbin)))))to you as you go through this whatever you call it ... you have been through so much, I hope your life soon becomes a much happier place to be!
X

Me Maw said...

Robbin, you'v had so very much to deal with in such a short period of time...allow yourself some time. Most people don't consider "getting well" a stressor...but in reality it is. You now are expected to function as a "well" person...but getting well is more than being pronounced "cancer free". And in your case of the death of your precious son, complicates the picture, so even more time is needed.

I promise you there is a way out of the darkness...one baby step at the time.

I can't think of anything more healing to mind, body, soul and spirit than to help others, no matter how messed up you feel, that's a great plan. Doesn't have to be earth moving...just some small something, whatever God may lead you to do. The benefits of such good deeds are as powerful than Prozac or Cymbalta!

Blessings my friend, sorry I've been a little "long in the tooth" this am.

MeMaw

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Hi Linda, so good to see you. And thanks for the hug. I'm going to get where I want to be, things are looking brighter.

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Hi Memaw, thanks for your words, they always help me. I've had a few light bulbs come on this week, and things are beginning to make a little more sence. I think I'm going to take a leap that may seem crazy for some people but might just be what I need. You are in my thoughts and prayers, hang in there.

Me Maw said...

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers Robbin...it's a blessing we can share our burdens with each other.

Aisling said...

Robbin,

I read your post just this morning, as it has been a remarkly busy week for me. I see, through your comments here, that you are already working through this darkness. You will come up with the right answer, I just know it. I will be reading and listening, and as always, wishing you the best!