Sunday, April 29, 2007

I Wander.....

why do his goals have to be so grandiose? Why not start with, let's say...
getting a job?

Dreams Not in the Cedar Chest any More

In the quiet of the Sunday morning here I have time to reflect upon the very hectic week I've just lived and I realize that I never really have the time to think through things. Thoughts linger in my head but they just sit there, un-thought out. I wonder why I can't be comfortable thinking in terms of what would make me happy. I usually come to the conclusion that I don't have a clue what that would be. It's really a shame to be so confused especially when one is about to become the grand age of 50. I thought by the time you are that age you should be pretty content with life, but I'm not. I am so alone.

Let's take inventory here. I am so bored with my job that I don't think I'm doing a very good job. I work, have worked all my life and have not one dime to show for it. The home I live in is falling apart and is hardly worth putting any money into. I have an almost 30 year old son who can put everything he owns into his car (that I bought) and has no idea what he is going to do. I want so much even at this age to have my mother's praise about something, anything, I've done. Did I say I am so alone? I want to be with my son and his family in Washington but I am too chicken to make that change for many reasons and I can't make it feel right. I can't think in terms of WHAT DO I WANT, because other people or things stand in the way.
On the other hand, I have a home, a job, sons who love me. I have lived to this age with very few scars and have survived a lot of things. What the heck is wrong with me? If I take a look around I should be ashamed of myself for even feeling the least bit sorry for myself.

When I was a little girl I had dreams of being a writer. I wrote stories that included my classmates and the stories would be passed around for them to read while we were supposed to be learning math or geography. Even if we got caught and the teacher took away the story I never got into trouble because the teacher would praise me on my writing. But you know what? Life happened and when I did finally have time to go back and start writing, I realized I had nothing to say that hadn't already been said. I don't think I ever got over that realization.

When I got married I had dreams of being happily in love forever and raising perfect children and we'd be one happy family, with a big house and a big yard full of beautiful flowers. My husband would always love me and we'd grow old together in a peaceful bliss. Boy did that one die hard.

I've lived most of my life just taking what fate has handed out to me and trying to go from there. There's been just enough magic to make me know that life is never what you expect and that it can change in the beat of a heart. There's been just enough heartache and tears to make me appreciate what I have and to try and be happy with that. There's been just enough curiosity to always want to go on to see what is around the corner. I've not accomplished great things or had much of an impact on anyone Else's life. It seems all my time has been spent on just trying to survive and trying to avoid as much confrontation as I can.

If it is true that we are here to learn lessons I wonder what great lesson it is that I am suppose to be learning? I am questioning my whole existence, I am like George Baily wondering what good I have even been to anyone? I am having a crisis here inside my head, inside my soul. And I am so alone.

My friend,who is well past 50, tells me what I am going through is normal and that after after age 50 you settle down and become more content, more at peace with who you are and you are filled with a wisdom that you never had before. He says this is something I have to do, reflect upon the past years and mourn the things that didn't happen and be thankful for the good things that did. And he says that I'll sort it all out and find the peace and know for sure what I need to make me happy.
I hope he is right.

Saturday, April 28, 2007


Car: $2,100
Gasoline: 31 cents/gal
House: $18,000
Bread: 19 cents/loaf
Milk: $1.00/gal
Postage Stamp: 3 cents
Stock Market: 436
Average Annual Salary: $5,500
Minimum Wage: $1.00 per hour

Wild Week

I can't believe I've not posted since Tuesday. Of course I had an out of town meeting for two days and then yesterday I just didn't seem to have enough hours in the day.
Plus my emotions have been all over the place this week. Not sure why unless it's just the M word getting to me worse than usual or if it's J being here or it's that I'm still thinking about what I want to do as far as living here. Or maybe it's that big 50 that is coming around the corner. Whatever, I've had a roller coaster ride this week.
Anyway, I tried to be tough this week and not really have a day off but I'm going in late today, after all I have to work tomorrow too and I have an early meeting in my store on Monday morning. I do however get two full days off in the middle of the week next week and that will be nice.
That's about all I know this morning. I slept in and I've got coffee and it's a beautiful day outside. We'll see how I manage today.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Getting used to sharing my space

I cried when my younger child left home. Some people laugh at me when I tell them that my arms ached that day because I kept imagining how he'd felt as a baby in my arms and the pain of him leaving actually settled there.
After I was alone for awhile I got really used to living by myself and I discovered that it wasn't all that bad. I could eat when I wanted, come home when I wanted without anyone worrying about me. I had less clothes to wash and fold and put away, it was quiet and I could watch whatever I wanted to on TV. I could use every room in my house for my stuff! I'm having to learn to share my space again and so far so good. But my little dog, Sweetie isn't taking it so well, especially since there's a little puppy around. She is an old lady and doesn't take too kindly to this little black thing jumping on her and licking her and getting so excited that she wets the floor. She warns her with growls and a look. Sweetie thought they were just staying the weekend I guess and by yesterday her patience had worn thin and the growls became snaps and a terrible look of distaste! I guess Sweetie has a lot to learn about sharing her space.

Native American Wisdom

Go Forward With Courage

When you are in doubt, be still, and wait;
when doubt no longer exists for you, then go forward with courage.
So long as mists envelop you, be still;
be still until the sunlight pours through and dispels the mists
-- as it surely will.
Then act with courage.

Ponca Chief White Eagle (1800's to 1914)

Painting by Steph

Monday, April 23, 2007

A Picture Story of a Little Girl and the Tulips

Pure Torcher for a little girl who loves to pick flowers!
Peak-a-boo through the tulips.
Ok, so I'll just smell them.

All these Tulips and they won't let me pick even one!!!

Ok, so maybe this one was on the ground!!!
Nobody says I can't pick a Dandelion and I think it's just as beautiful as those Tulips!

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Care Camp for Kids

Kampgrounds of America (KOA) does a fund raiser every year around this time to raise money to send kids with cancer to camp. My mother and best friend's husband coordinate and put this on every year here in our town. My mother asked me to make some jewelry to donate and this year they are having a silent auction. I wanted something eye catching and something people would surely bid up on to raise as much money as possible. This is what I've come up with. So...we shall see what happens.


This morning I woke up and smelled smoke. For a moment, in the haze of still being half asleep I wondered if I was dreaming but when I looked out the window there was a thin blanket of smoke lingering in the air. My house is surrounded by pinetrees and woods and our State is having wild fires and we need rain badly so I grabbed my car keys and rode around the property making sure the woods weren't on fire. I never found the source of the smoke and it is not unusal for farmers to burn their fields off this time of the year but it still makes me nervous. One careless flick of a cigarette out the window and POOF!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Clowning Around

On rare occasions at work, we have a silly day. We don't plan it and I'm not sure if one of us sets the mood or if we all happen to feel good that day. How ever it happens I usually try and never squash it. We do the necessities, we serve our customers well, if not better, but we play and joke and generally have a good time. We might model the biggest, weirdest sunglasses we have, we might just stand around during slow times and talk. Today was one of those days. It's nice to just clown around sometimes. We may have more dust around tomorrow and the store might not be as neat as it is most of the time but sometimes you just need a play day.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Vacation Memory

Wondering where his Grandma is!!

I wonder......

What gives some people the right to judge others or to try and belittle them. Maybe it makes them feel superior. I never wanted to feel superior. And you know what, I just judged the people who judge people.
Life is so hard sometimes.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

His Journey Continues

As a parent when you are raising your children, all you really want is to prepare the child to survive. You hope along with the ability to survive, they will find much happiness. You hope you've given them the tools to handle life's ups and downs. If you can accomplish anything close to this, you feel as if maybe you've done your job.
I wonder if I'm allowed to have a do over? Can my child, after being out in the world for more than ten years come back home, wipe his slate clean and let me try again? Of course I know the answer to this. He is not a child anymore. He's a grown man.
No matter how grown a child is, he is still your child and so he will come back home. He'll lick his wounds, I'll listen to him as he tells me how unfair life is to him and I'll offer whatever words of comfort I can. And all I can hope is he'll move forward and realize you can't just blame life for all that is wrong. I thought he had started this journey a while back, but he took a detour. Perhaps he is ready to continue now, and I hope I can help just by being here. Maybe now, at last he can grow up.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Vacation Memory

A Beautiful Day,
A Sweet Little Girl,
just the two of us.
And Pink Cupcakes.
It was a perfect day!

Native American Wisdom

"Listen with courtesy
to what others say, even if you feel
that what they are saying is worthless.
Listen with your heart."

Just another day

Not much to say today, not in the mood to write. I am in the mood to make jewelry and I have been. I've got new stuff to work with and that always gets me going. I'll scan some soon and share.
Work was pretty uneventful and that's a good thing.
I'm going to bed early I think, at least early for me. Sweet Dreams.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."
Alan Cohen

I Wonder....


...if they are having a Luau in Heaven today.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Scientist say (according to Womans World Magazine) that things we think will make us happy may not, that actually sometimes it's the opposite that does. For example if you think you'd be happier if you could be younger again, could be just the opposite. Research says that actually people become happier as they get into their 50s, 60s, & 70s. Older people seem to have a brighter picture of the future and a better ability to downplay the negative because they've had more experiences which they've survived and so they've learned to not sweat the small stuff. Ummm, alrighty then.

Vacation Memory

My daughter-in-law decided for Easter she was going to make an Apple Pie, from scratch no less. I listened to her and remembered the one and only time I decided to make a pie crust from scratch. It was not pretty but then I'm not much of a cook, don't really like to do it. And so early on Easter morning she began and it was perfect, in looks and taste. And I'm proud of her!

Friday, April 13, 2007

A Native American Wisdom

Listen to and follow the guidance given to your heart. Expect guidance to come in many forms; in prayer, in dreams, in times of quiet solitude, and in the words and deeds of wise Elders and friends.

Off to Work I Go!

Back to the real world today. We have inventory this weekend and I have a meeting to get ready for that we are having in a few weeks. Lots to keep me busy for a while.

My mother was busy all day yesterday so I didn't get to see her, I wanted to share the pictures of my vacation with her and tell her all about what we did but she is not really interested. The truth is, if it doesn't involve her, she really is not interested. But, OH well, that is just her and nothing much I can do about it. She doesn't "get" me and I guess I don't get her either.

I'm still a little off time wise. You wouldn't think three hours would make that much of a difference but it does on this end. I didn't really sleep much at all last night. It was four o'clock before I slept at all.

You know how I've been worried about my birthday and that big scary number coming up? Well, it is approaching fast. It was funny at some point I mentioned to my granddaughter that she had to go easy on me because I was getting "old" and she said, "You're not old Grandma!" Yep, like I said, sometimes a six year old really does know best.

Anyhow.......back to work I go. I'm trying to get into the mood but it ain't happening.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

My body may be here in Georgia but my heart is still in Washington. I keep looking at the time and converting it back three hours and I know where they are and what they are doing. Swim Lessons tonight, a trip to McDonald's. Such a battle this heart of mine and head have going. Such a battle that my brain hurts and my heart aches. Such a battle that I'm hoping for a sign, something to convince me to follow my heart, and it will come if I watch closely enough. I hope it comes soon.

Vacation Memories

"GRANDMA, LOOK! Take a picture!"

I'm busy in the kitchen and without looking I say, "Haleigh I can't right now, Grandma is busy."

And then I look. "OK, you're right, we need a picture, hold on!"

Sometimes a six year old DOES know best!

Monday, April 09, 2007

Such a Good Day

Today I got to see a Gray Whale in the ocean. It was amazing.
We also went into the city of Seattle to Pikes Market and we bought some cheeses we've never tried before and some fruits and we had that for our dinner. It was yummy. Today was a good day. Wish it didn't have to end.

Coming to the End

Haleigh and I aren't speaking of this out loud but in the back of our minds we know that my visit is coming to an end. It's always hard to leave her but the older she gets the harder it seems to get.

Today my son and DIL are off and we are planning to go into Seattle to the market. I love doing this. The weather has held up really well, it is cool today, (Ok, it's cold!) but still is a pretty day after the sun came out.

My visits always make me question myself and wonder why am I not living here with the people I feel the most comfortable with? There's a harmony I feel here, I feel better physically, I can BREATHE better, and I'm not talking about just breathing, I'm talking about Breathing, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, when I get back to my real world my thoughts settle down some and I get back into the same thing I was doing before I left for vacation. Who knows, maybe one day I'll come to my senses!

Friday, April 06, 2007

Quiet Time

When you're the grandmother of a six year old and if you see her maybe once a year, when you visit, your time is occupied. When she collapses at the end of the day, so do you. So...this morning I woke up at five o'clock. I've had coffee and computer time and enjoyed the quietness of the morning. I'm ahead of the game little girl, but now I'm waiting and waiting and wondering, "When are you going to wake up?" Today we must go to the park, take a walk, bead some new creations, play with the dolls, watch a movie, read a book, talk about very important things, and we'll do many of these things at the same time! Wake up Haleigh, I can't wait to start the day!

Monday, April 02, 2007

The Wait is Over

In four hours I will start my trip and I will be in the Great Pacific Northwest. I doubt that sleep will come to me, maybe a catnap, but not even that. We shall see.
I'm in really bad need of a vacation. I'm tired and I'm off kilter a little, not myself. And though a vacation won't solve my concerns and problems, it will give me a different view and that in itself can't hurt. So it is very timely I think.
I'm off balance, lost my direction, lost the peace and calm that I crave in my life. Not sure when it happened or how, or why, but that's where I stand at the moment. I AM A MESS!
And I go into the wild blue yonder in search of me.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Rumor Confirmed!

Here's the proof!

I've just heard a rumor......

...that a certain little girl lost another tooth last night. I hope the Tooth Fairy was good to you. If she wasn't Grandma will have a talk with her when she gets there!

It Came!

The rain did come and I believe it has settled some of the yellow powder that has been a constant with us lately. For that I am grateful.
I had a pleasant day at work, I got my paperwork done and I had a lovely older couple who came in for glasses. I had a poor lady who called me in a panic thinking there was a contact still in her eye and she couldn't get it out. When she came in, it was not there but she left convinced it was. It wasn't.
And now I have one more day at work, and I'll be leaving early (and I mean early) Tuesday morning for my vacation.
My Cedar Chest may not get opened for the few people that visit me from time to time but I'll be back and I'm sure I'll have much to share.
Happy Sunday night to everyone.

Rain, Rain please come!

Funny, I'm about to leave for my trip in a few days to a place where it seems to rain all the time but here I am at home wishing for rain. Rain, you see might settle some of the pollen that is still plaguing me. I usually hate to complain too much about Mother Nature as she knows what she is doing I am sure of it. But a nice slow rain would be nice and I'd welcome it!
I'm also about to leave a place where the low for the nights have been in the 60's and going to where the lows are in the 30's. Have to keep that in mind when packing!
I have to work today but I have loads of end of the month stuff to do and so the day will pass fast, whether I have any customers or not.
And so, that is all I know for today. Just got to get through two more days and then off I go into the wild blue yonder! And I am READY!