Thursday, December 31, 2009
This past year has not been a bad one for me but it has been more of a "bridge" to where I want to be. Physically I am where I want to be, with the people I want to be with. So that's a start. I'm hoping this year will bring the rest of what I need to survive and settle down again. I have great hopes for me and for YOU.
"Happy New Year" to you.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
I've decided I like nothing better than the sound of the crunch of the frost as I walk across the grass in the park. Much to my dismay, no snow yet. But I'm still hoping it will come soon.
I hope you had a very nice Christmas. We did and all I can say is to finally be able to spend Christmas and Birthday with my Granddaughter has been the best gift I could ever get.
Things I've learned from my granddaughter since I've arrived have been numerous but right off the top of my head are these two little tidbits.
Just when you think you've lost all the joy and magic of Christmas, see it through a child's eyes. Even though every year more and more of her little friends tell her that Santa is not real, she is just not ready to give it up and her belief is so strong that a few times I thought I heard Santa's sleigh on Christmas Eve. Never stop believing because if you do you become a bitter person.
The other thing is this. Haleigh's Birthday is Decemeber 26th and I always hated that for her. I felt like she'd always get cheated on her birthday but here's the thing I've learned. She is not upset about it at all, instead it is a wonderful thing for her because when Christmas is over for everyone else she still has the day after to look forward to. It is just a continuation of her joy and that just blew me away. And I love that about her.
So, there you have it, my thoughts for the holidays, but wait, we're not done yet. We still have the New Year to look forward to, don't we?
Love to you,
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I thought I was excited about blogging again. I guess I'm not. I am keeping a private journal because if I blogged what I was sometimes feeling it would make people think I'm nuts or really disturbed so I decided to keep things mostly to myself. You know, private thoughts that I must work out myself.
I don't really know how to be this new person I've become. So I'm learning slowly. I'm carrying a lot of guilt right now by not being independent and on my own. I'm wondering about and doubting decisions I've made. I don't know how to handle the stabbing pain in my heart that hits me from time to time without warning when I realize again that I've lost a child who is gone forever. I don't know how to stop saying "what if" and I don't know how to push myself to a new level.
And so I've still got a lot going on here that I've got to get through. And I will. Clearer days have got to be right around the corner as I refuse to miss out on the sun!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
From a dream interpretation site it says this about dreaming of horses.....Horse
The horse is a lucky animal in dreams, suggesting the dreamer is in control of his/her life. If you dream of a runaway horse, you are scared by your own strong, passionate feelings. ummm, doesn't mention a long legged horse at all. I'm not going to even try and understand it.
AND...I just saw a commercial for the Wii with a cooking game. A cooking game? Why not really oook! It showed a little girl and her Mom and the little girl was plenty old enough to be really cooking. Oh well, I guess it saves calories but I can't imagine it being better than really cooking. Weird to me. But then again I guess it is no worse than watching the cooking network and never cooking at all, just watching them.
And I've just learned today that cats love to play with the little ring thing that is on a milk jug. And this is such a known fact that someone actually sells them for this reason. So there you have it.....Weird Saturday.
Hope your weekend is a good one.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
I've had the hardest time for the last few months. I do not regret my move, I am exactly where I want to be. I am beginning to wish maybe I had transferred instead of just quitting my job, although at the time, I needed a break. I couldn't transfer and still live close to my family so that is why I didn't and like I said, at the time I really needed a break from working. But now I need a life. I have no place to be, no friends, nothing much of my own. I think I am slowly losing my mind.
Is there no place for me? Can I be happy? I guess only the future will tell.
On the bright side Haleigh and I have Saturday night together since her parents have plans and this is what I've wanted for so long, to be able to just spend time with her. I think we'll have a rummy tournament and h'orderves! So there, I have that to look forward to and that is a LOT!
Sorry for the depressing post, just feeling a little lost at the moment. I know things will work out just as they are suppose to, this is not my first experience with being lost. Seems to be the theme of my life.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I've really got to wean myself from the TV. I'm really quite sick of it yet I can't seem to look away. I can't seem to turn it off, it sucks me right up and I'm lost in Day time talk shows, my soap, and night time Dancing with the Stars and The Biggest Loser and........oh so many shows. It's driving me nuts!
The thing about TV is that you can waste hours in front of it and (in most cases) afterwards not really be any wiser than you were. Even if you watch the news, you just get depressed.
OH, I've got to go, The View just came on......
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Quiet around here this weekend as little Haleigh is sick with a cold and has spent most of her time curled up on the couch. I hope she feels better soon.
We start a new week and maybe this will be my week when something happens.
Hope your week is a good one,
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Today is my mother's 72 birthday so a call was in order. I'd gotten an email earlier informing me to call her on her cell phone as she wasn't at home and in the email she told me exactly what time to call her because my stepfather would be taking her out for dinner since I wasn't there to cook her birthday meal or her cake. And she said, "I guess that's my fault for having one child so boohooboohoo." That made me feel, ah, I'm not sure how that made me feel. I've often wished she'd had another child as well to take some of the pressure off of me.
My Aunt Betty who is unemployed and only lives on her social security is taking her to lunch today only she can't afford to pay for my mother's lunch so she'll have to pay for her own.
We talked a minute about my job hunting and I was told that my cousin who had gotten fired earlier from her job because her little son had used her work lap top had just landed a job with Walmart making 60 thousand as an assistant manager. I'm happy for her, she supports her family, her husband has always been the house husband, (she likes it that way). Anyway she has to dress up for work and wear dress shoes and her feet were hurting and who knows how long that will last.
My mother over sees a KOA campground and had to fire the family that worked for her there so she'd taken up the slack but she's hired some people. She asked for prayers at church for employees so one woman's granddaughter's husband needed a job and then another lady had a daughter who is working. My mother loves them both, which she always does love the new people she hires........for about two weeks. We'll see how this goes.
And it goes on and on. 72 years old and going strong. She is really amazing. And that's the news from home.
Happy Birthday Mama.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
I'm reading again which makes me really happy as I've always gotten so much enjoyment out of a good book. Right now I'm reading "Her Fearful Symmetry" which is a little weird but holding my attention pretty well. The author is the same who wrote The Time Traveler's Wife if you read that one or if you plan to see the movie. She's a good story teller. The Time Traveler's Wife is one of my favorite all time books.
And those are all my thoughts for today, pretty sad huh? Oh well, sometimes life is like that.
Monday, November 02, 2009
Sweetie and I have yet to go for our walk but as soon as I get my bath and get dressed, off we'll go. She's on a time clock and starts begging to go out around the same time every morning. I've had coffee and Cinnamon toast and I'm all set and so another week we'll start.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Matthew absolutely loves Christmas so maybe this year his love for the season will rub off on me. I've not had the Christmas spirit for a long time and I really hate that.
Oh Dear November, bring me a job so that maybe by the first of the year I can find my own little home. Help me find a way to give of myself to someone who needs something I have to give.
Hoping your November is a good one,
Saturday, October 31, 2009
This is my granddaughter, the zombie pirate. Pretty scarry huh?
My interview went well I thought and they are of course going to interview some other people and then do call backs. I also dropped off my resume at another optical office that is in need of employees so maybe I'll hear from them too. At least I had an interview and that made me feel like something was happening.
So far this morning I'm stuck in front of the TV. Having all these channels is new to me remember and since it is Halloween there are all kinds of shows on spooky stuff. I'm not a big spooky movie person but I do get interested in paranormal stuff.
The sun is shining beautifully and I need to get myself outside for a nice long walk. Not working and having bunches of TV channels and a TV in my room is not so good for one's weight. I need to move my butt!
Anyway, not much else going on. Hope your day is a good one.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
SO we'll see if this is meant to be.
If you've not figured it out so far, I'm trying to title each of my posts after a song. So far it's been pretty easy. And just recently I've become a real Etta James fan so At Last was in my head. It's because I watched the movie Cadillac Records the other night.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Haleigh and I have had some interesting conversations today, one being that I think the honeymoon of having her grandmother living here is over. She says when I just came to visit I always had something for her and I let her do whatever she asks and I never said no to her. Ummm, I guess life is tough like that. I told her I'd move out again way far and only visit again if she thought that was best and she said...."NO!!! that's not what I meant!" I know what she means, it is very different but in a good way. And anyway she still has another grandmother in Georgia that can do her that way. Me, I get to be the mean grandmother now but maybe she'll have good memories of me like I do of my grandmother that I got to spend some summers with when I was little. She'd come stay with us for the summer and I still have memories of some of our experiences and conversations. I can only hope.
I like the weather as it gets colder. We'll see how I fare with the winters here but something tells me I'll do fine. If it snows I'll just keep myself at home! Hope you have a good week,
That's what all the people say
You're riding high in April
You're shot down in May
I know I'm gonna change that tune
When I'm back on top in June
I say that's life
& as funny as it may seem
Some people get their kicks
Stompin' on your dreams
But I don't let it, let it get me down
'Cause this fine ol' world keeps spinning 'round
I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn & a king
I've been up & down & over & out
But I know one thing
Each time I find myself, flat on this face
I pick myself up & get back in the race
I can't deny it
I thought of quitting, baby
This heart wasn't gonna buy it
And if I didn't think it was worth one single try
I'd jump right on a big bird & then I'd fly
I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn & a king
I've been up & down & over & out
And I know one thing
Each time I find myself flat on my face
I pick myself up & get back in the race
That's life & I can't deny it
Many times I thought of cutting out
But my heart won't buy it
But if there's nothing shakin' come this here July
I'm gonna roll
I'm gonna roll
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball & die
Can't deny it
Sung by Frank Sinatra
Written by Kay Gordon
Friday, October 23, 2009
near the water or at least with a mountain view. I dream of decorating it and being surrounded by only the things I love. Maybe I've confused living for the future and having dreams. I think I have realized that I need dreams, I need
to be able to have something to look forward to, to think about when I lie down to sleep. And maybe I've realized that just because I hope for something in the future doesn't mean I can't enjoy and appreciate what I have today,
at this moment in time. And I have to remember my favorite passage from the bible.
"To everything there is a season,a time for every purpose under the sun.A time to be born and a time to die;a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;a time to kill and a time to heal ...a time to weep and a time to laugh;a time to mourn and a time to dance ...a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;a time to lose and a time to seek;a time to rend and a time to sew;a time to keep silent and a time to speak;a time to love and a time to hate;a time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
So I suppose dreaming of where I'd like to be in the future is not necessarily not living in this moment. Life is always progressing, ever changing and like whoever wrote the book of Ecclesiastes says, "To everything there is a season" and I look forward to what each time holds for me. It's what keeps me interested in life. I'm just nosy enough to want to find out what will happen next. And that's how you know you're not depressed when you have things to look forward to.
It's a beautiful shade of gray here today, matches my mood and that's ok. It's just a gray mood and not that veil of depression that can creep upon me. It's funny how I've learned to know that difference. When it finally lifted I felt it physically leave me. It stuck around for quite awhile and just when I thought I was going to have to get some help it left me. I hope it keeps away!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The other day I saw that a big red leaf had blown right into her web and got stuck. Suddenly she appeared out what seemed like nowhere and just stared for a while at the leaf. If was like she was in shock that this had happened to her web. I watched to see what she'd do if anything and sure enough after a little while she ran in a spider like way to the leaf and started working around the intruder and finally disconnected it. But it only fell a little bit further down the web and got stuck again. Without hesitation this time she crawled down and worked to disconnect it again only for the same thing to happen. I could almost see her frustration but she didn't stop, she kept working until finally the leaf was gone. But then she had work to do for every time she'd scrambled to get the leaf loose she'd destroyed a section of the web. She seemed to rest a few minutes and then she set off to work to repair her world. And she did too, before long all was just like it had been before that big red leaf came crashing in.
Now there's a life lesson in this if you choose to see it which I do. Sometimes these little lessons about life come in strange ways.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
And apparently chemo can cause heart problems of which I have developed in the form of A-fib. It is a long story of which perhaps I will share soon but right now I just sort of have it on the back burner until I see the cardiologist again in December. I've told nobody about this outside of this house and one other person simply because I figure they are tired of hearing of my tragedies. I AM tired of having them for sure. So, anyway, since I'm on Wafarin which is a blood thinner, I have to go to have that checked every week or so and I go to a nearby town of Silverdale. I like to go to the stores there to buy fruit but lately the fruit everywhere looks bad, I guess it is in between seasons. Apples and Pears are lovely but the oranges and grapefruits looks bad. I bought some navel oranges that looked ok and when I got home I realized they are from Australia! WHAT THE HECK??? I'm not so far from California, why can't I have California oranges? Or even Florida would be wonderful, why do we have to get fruit from other countries?? It disturbs me greatly.
AND last but not least, Haleigh and I made terrariums this summer(or maybe I should say last summer) and the African Violet is blooming again in mine. I'm really excited because I've never been able to make any plant live much less BLOOM.
And that is my story for today.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
So, my blog has a new look, my thoughts are sharper and almost clear and I'm ready to write. The biggest thing I have going right now is I WANT A JOB! I have cabin fever and I'm ready to get out into the world. I NEED A JOB! Not just for the obvious reasons of food and shelter but because I need to feel like I'm contributing something to the world. So that is what we'll explore for a while. If I could just snag ONE little interview I'd be really happy.
SO stay tuned.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
It is a time for some self reflection and time to think about what I want to do in the future. After all, I can't pretend to be an eight year old forever. But for now it sure is fun.
Hope you all have a good week,
Monday, July 06, 2009
I'm not going to give up the blog just yet but recently my heart has just not been into it and you know how that goes.
Tomorrow Haleigh and Amy leave for their two week vacation to Georgia. I am going to so miss them. Haleigh has become my shadow since school has let out. Yesterday she and I beached combed and found lots of good stuff to look at and to bring back home with us. AND then she painted my nails. Florescent green with hot pink tips and a pink polka dot on each one!
Too funny. She is so much fun. And for now I'm soaking up all the time I can get because in a few years she won't have too much time for me I know.
AND my biggest best news is that in a little over a week my friend Tammy that I've not met in person is coming to visit family here in my town and she and I will get to spend time together and I am so so so excited! I can't wait. Tammy has been my inspiration and I met her here when I needed her the most. She was with me through the chemo and the grieving. Once she had my phone number she'd call me just when I was needing to hear from someone. She made me know how strong I was, she shared her own thoughts and feelings with me, she was just there for me when other people weren't. And so meeting her is going to be so wonderful because at last I can give her that hug I've been wanting to for a year now!
Saturday, July 04, 2009
I had a good day today. I hope you did too!
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Here at our house the big news is that I taught Haleigh how to play the card game rummy and she is now obsessed with it and has learned it so well that she is beating the heck out of me almost every time!
Amy got interested in the Twilight story and is now finishing up the last of the books. There were four of them I think.
And Matthew is working a second job as security at a Rodeo. He left not too long ago in his cowboy garb looking like a true cowboy!
Amy and I decided since there was not a man to feed tonight we wouldn't cook, just eat what we wanted of what we already have. Women can do that you know.
And that is about all that is going on around here at the moment.
Haleigh has a spend the night guest so I'm off the hook as far as rummy is concerned at the moment.
Amy is reading, Haleigh is entertaining and I'm watching TV, all is well in our world.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Nothing too exciting going on with me lately. Haleigh is out of school and two days a week it is just the two of us until her parents come home from work. We've had fun so far.
Yesterday the tide was way out and we donned our rubber boots and beached combed. We found huge star fish and what maybe was jelly fish and big crabs and crab parts and big sheets of green slimy sea weed.
Also I've been making muffins. I'm glad this family shares my love of muffins. Today we have Raspberry Lemon muffins and Orange muffins.
In a few weeks Amy and Haleigh will leave for their visit to Georgia. They'll be gone for two weeks. Man will I miss them.
All is well. I am not missing those hot days in Georgia. I still have days when I just want to cry and cry and Jonathan's birthday is Sunday. For a year I've not allowed my brain to concentrate on the moment when that trigger was pulled. Lately that's what I tend to go to. I worry that he felt it and hurt, I worry that he regretted it the moment he did it. I try to stay away from those thoughts but it occurred to me that maybe I need to think it all through to be able to move forward but it hurts too badly.
ANYHOW......enough of that. My life is full of laughter and sunshine and salt water and ocean smells and is filled with love from the people I live with. WHO could ask for anything more? I do wish to find a friend though, someone my age, another woman to talk to. Guess I have to get out in to the world for that to happen huh? ALL in good time.
Hope you are all well.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I love the drive to almost anywhere we go because you never know what you'll see. Maybe you will come around a corner and there will be mountains! Or there are rolling green pastures with cattle, sheep, buffalo, or alpacas. And always there is water, maybe the canal, maybe the sound, maybe a river, you never know, but it is a constant.
When I was a little girl and we'd get new calendars for the new year I'd look at the pictures of places that didn't look real to me. Now I'm living in those pictures!
Monday, June 15, 2009
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Today I got to attend my first ever dance recital. It occurred to me that I'd never ever seen a dance recital before, let alone a ballet. Raising little boys didn't take me to things like that. We mostly attended baseball games and football games. I did get to go to a few spelling B's.
The program was Peter Pan. Every age group was included from the tiny little toddlers to the teens. Haleigh was one of the parrots and I am truly not being bias when I tell you that in her little group of five girls she stood out as the best. Really! I promise.
My love for this little girl just gets stronger and stronger. If for no other reason this big move of mine has been worth it just to be with her. She is so amazing and though I've missed a lot, I'm entering her life at such a wonderful time. A time when she is still a fun loving, silly little girl but at the same time she is learning who she is going to be. The love I receive in return is as pure and beautiful as anything I've ever known.
I lived alone for a long time and missed the human touch. Only recently have I realized this. It is so natural for this wild child to ease her wiry body on to my lap, to give me a hug for no reason or to crawl in bed with me just to cuddle and giggle.
Sometimes on the weekends she and her parents go a few houses down to the neighbors to socialize and eat with their friends. I choose to stay home but that concerns Haleigh. Each time they go she'll ask me if I am sure I'm Ok with staying home alone and I'll say "Yes, Grandma likes to be by herself sometimes." and she'll say "I completely understand" but it is not unusual for her to come back home a few times to check on me. It makes me smile.
The other day she had worked on building her own bird's nest. Her father and I were sitting on the deck, her father reading something when she came to him and asked him if he wanted to come and see the nest. He told her he couldn't right then so she asked me and I said "Sure I want to see it." Without missing a beat she turned to her father and said, "SEE! That's why I have a Grandma!" And so it's true, that is why she has a grandma! I don't won't to miss another thing!
We are going to put a turkey breast in the crock pot and make some potato salad before we go and hopefully meet up for supper together. We'll see how that goes.
So, happy Sunday to you. Hope you have a good day.
Thursday, June 04, 2009
This is the tree I spoke of yesterday, so yes, Shirley, it is blooming and it smells wonderful which is what caused us to notice it more probably.
It is nice and I am so fortunate to be able to notice trees blooming, and spring smells and to bird watch. It is this time in my life I do not take for granted. I am lucky as not everyone, I know, would be able to take this sabbatical.
Each day I grow a little stronger and a little more like myself. And though life will never be the same, there is a life for me.
The chemo left me with no feeling in my feet or hands. Now it is only in the tip of my toes and fingers. The death of my child left me dull to the feelings of passion toward things I'd loved before. I feel that lifting some and I have faith that will continue to improve.
I do know had I not been able to be where I am at this point things would be not so good. So for this I am grateful.
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
We did spend over an hour last night trying to research and idenify a tree in the backyard. That was fun and when we finally did figure out what it was we had to read all about it. Turns out it is an Acacia tree.
I need to do my laundry today, it could wait until tomorrow, so we'll see.
Hope your day is a good one.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Have you ever owned something that you liked so much that all you could do was to stare at it and touch it and admire it? A few weeks back Marge over at Road Sage had a giveaway and I won! It's one of her handmade totes and I got to choose the color and it arrived today. It is as lovely as I knew it would be but it is so special to me because of where it came from and who made it. Marge has been an inspiration for me for a long time now and she has stuck with me through thick and thin. Thank you Marge, for everything. I LOVE IT and YOU too!
We made daisy chains (which she taught me to do by the way) and read poetry and sang and she serenaded me with her harmonica. And we were visited by squirrels.
And we laughed and we giggled and had such a good time.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
They also bought this book....
....because Amy bought these....
And we are doing a lot of this. We have to be able to idenify the birds!
While at the ocean this past weekend we collected rocks. This is our white collection along with one small black pebble.
I'm going to keep them on my window sill. For inspiration.
Matthew also found this stone. It is heart shaped, can you tell? A Stone Heart and a sign to us.
He decided to put it in Amy's Flower Bed. I like that a lot.
The simple things in life are the best! They are what make me smile. They make me know like is worth living.
Here are two quotes from my new book.
"Even when he travels far, he is not separate from his own true nature." (Tao Te Ching)
"The motion of nature is cyclic and returning." (Tao Te Ching)