Thursday, December 10, 2009

On a Clear Day

There's something very refreshing about putting your little dog on her leash on a very bright and sunny day and the two of you going for a walk in the 18 degree weather. If you bundle up enough it is not bad at all. There's no wind, just sunshine, which will not last long so you learn to get it while you can. This has been our routine for the last few days. And on these nice sunny clear days, the mountains are so clear, so beautiful. I guess it is true, "On a Clear Day, you can see Forever." I wish my life was so clear to me.

I thought I was excited about blogging again. I guess I'm not. I am keeping a private journal because if I blogged what I was sometimes feeling it would make people think I'm nuts or really disturbed so I decided to keep things mostly to myself. You know, private thoughts that I must work out myself.

I don't really know how to be this new person I've become. So I'm learning slowly. I'm carrying a lot of guilt right now by not being independent and on my own. I'm wondering about and doubting decisions I've made. I don't know how to handle the stabbing pain in my heart that hits me from time to time without warning when I realize again that I've lost a child who is gone forever. I don't know how to stop saying "what if" and I don't know how to push myself to a new level.
And so I've still got a lot going on here that I've got to get through. And I will. Clearer days have got to be right around the corner as I refuse to miss out on the sun!

5 comments:

linda said...

hi robin, i have been reading your blog with interest and am sorry you are having a hard time of it just now...perhaps when the 'holidaze' are over [personally I am not too fond of them myself, having my family so far away], you will start to feel more like your old self again..

and maybe not.

I wouldn't think you would be anywhere near the end of your grieving the loss of your dear son yet. And perhaps you are expecting more of yourself than you can give at the present time to everyone, your blog, your family, your life and finding another occupation-if you do at all...I was hoping you got that job but things being what they are right now, it's so hard for people to find the perfect fit.

anyway, I am hoping for you a brighter spring...as for keeping your feelings and "craziness" to yourself through a private journal, please feel free to email me [vulturepeakmuse [at]gmail.com]anytime...I know all about that 'crazy' stuff and would love to lend you a helping hand if you feel you want one...either way, feel peace and some joy in your heart that you have that little but quickly sprouting little girl by your side sometimes....such a blessing for us old ladies and one which I so wish I had in my life [often leads me to tears and depression because it is not to be just now..]

apologies for leaving you such a long little comment!♥

Marge said...

Remember that you are loved. I'm going to email you rather than talk here.

Marge

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Anonymous said...

Hi!

I've read your blog for a long time ... maybe a year? I thought I'd stop by to see how you're doing, and was bummed out that you're taking a little break from blogging. At the same time, I'm behind you all the way - some things are best worked out all by yourself, without others' opinions or even well wishes.

I hope you and your dog and your granddaughter, et al are enjoying some bright lights and making some memories. I'll be looking forward to reading your next post, whenever you feel like publishing one!

- April in RI