Wednesday, December 31, 2008

My Yesterday and My Year in Review

I am off today. Yesterday was a long day, I worked from nine until eight but the day went by fast as we were busy. You couldn't tell we were busy by the amount of money in our till but we have days like that. On these days we have patients who see the Dr. and will come back later for glasses or we are dispensing glasses or we are solving problems or we are adjusting or repairing or just making friends. If you work these days right it can bring people back in to you when they do have money.
At any rate we had a pleasant day, just three of us and my newest employee who is young and eagar to learn stayed with me until closing so she could learn to do that. She is very smart and I hardly have to explain things to her and she's got it.
My parents are taking their travel trailer to a campground not too far away just to get away for a few days. I always envy them this, I'd like to get away too.
It is not even five thirty here in the morning and I've been up for an hour. What can I say? I was done sleeping.
As this year comes to an end and I think about the year we are leaving it all seems so surreal to me. In January I made an appointment with a gynecologist only to cancel it when my step father had to have a heart cath and my mother needed me to go with them. In February I called again and made the appointment but I couldn't get in until March 3rd. On April 22nd I had a total hysterectomy, going in knowing there were some odd cells that looked very much like cancer cells. I was sent home to recover and then had an appointment with a radiologist. My son came from Washington and spent over a week with me and got to celebrate my birthday with me for the first time in a long time. Little did I know that was the last peaceful moment in time I'd have for quite a while. The day he flew home was also the appointment with the radiologist and he went with me, with the hope that I'd be told I didn't need any treatment. That was not to be. At first he planned to have me do 22 treatments but he wanted a Pet Scan first. With that news and Matthew leaving, that was not a good day.
Two weeks after this, my other son, my eldest, took his own life. Matthew got to come back but not for any celebrating. Haleigh and Amy came later. I can barely remember those last weeks in May. I don't know now how I functioned. Maybe I didn't.
In June I went for the pet scan only to find out cancer cells had spread and I was sent to the Chemo Dr. My nightmare just went on and on. I had one day surgery to have a port put in. I spent the whole summer and into the fall undergoing Chemo. Most of you went through it with me, thank you for that. And at last done, I had a little episode with the Port coming out, supposedly a simple procedure that turned out to be the worse experience my poor body ever went through.
After another scan in November I was declared Cancer Free and I went back to work the end of that month.
And now I look back and I just can't believe the year I had. It left me with battle scars for sure, both physically and mentally but the important thing is that I survived, and that's what life is all about. I put on my catcher's mitt and tried to catch all those crappy pitches life was throwing at me. And I just tried to do what I had to do and I found peace in knowing that whatever happened, it would be ok in the end.
And so I am not sorry to say goodbye to 2008. I have no idea what 2009 will bring but after a year like I've had I am hoping things will be better. It wasn't entirely a year of loss though. I found out that most people really care, I met people I wouldn't have known had I not had cancer. I got reacquainted with a granddaughter that I thought I'd never see again and though we are not close she does keep in touch with me with her cell phone and google chat and it warms my heart and I know Jonathan would be proud.
I am looking forward to my big adventure in 2009 of moving across the country to a new and strange land although each time I've visited it does not feel strange to me but very familiar. But then again home is where your heart is and my heart is definitely there.
HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

A Very Personal Vent

As we age I guess we all develop habits that may irritate members of our family. And I'm sure what I'm about to share about my own mother is an age thing. I pray for understanding of this and hope not to snap at her every time she does it, it is really petty in the big scheme of things but sometimes it can be hurtful. Who knows what I'll do when I'm 71 that will drive Matthew crazy.
It started getting bad I guess a couple of years back. She and I would have a conversation about something and I'd state my opinion and then a couple of days later she'd say, John (my stepfather) says and then she'll repeat verbatim what I'd said a few days before. At first I'd ignore it, but after it happened a few times I'd say, "Mama, I said that." She quickly snap "Well John said it too!" Alrighty then. No big deal I guess if she wants to discount what I say and give her husband credit for it.
The really hurtful one came the other night though. A few weeks ago I shared with her a moment I'd had with Jonathan. He'd come to me and asked me why he couldn't just be normal, why he couldn't have a relationship, keep a job, manage his life. It breaks my heart every time I think of his questions. It hurts my heart that he was so lost and I couldn't help him. Well, the other night we were talking about him and sure enough she starts telling my story to me only it was her he'd gone to. I stopped her and said, "Mama, he came to me, I just told you this the other day." Quick as lightening she responded, "He came to me too!"
Perhaps he did go to her with the same questions, he was searching for answers but I doubt very seriously her answer to him was the same as mine. I reminded him what the last therapist had told him, that "normal" was just a setting on a dryer. I told him that I loved him the way he was and he would get it together one day. That was exactly what my mother said she told him.
I'm not sure why she does this and I've no doubt she doesn't do it intentionally, I just wish she'd admit to me when she does do it that she remembers our previous conversation, but she won't do that.
Ok, I'm done venting now. I am lucky to still have my mother in my life and without her with me during my last few months I don't know what I would have done. She is in good health but this habit of hers really gets to me sometimes. I try to understand it and not let it get to me, but it was hard to let that one slide off my back.
The mother/daughter dance is not an easy one sometimes.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Hi There

Friday night I did not sleep good and Saturday morning I did not feel so well, but thinking I'd be better I went to work anyway. Not hardly there I knew I had to come home. It was some sort of virus I guess. Yesterday I ached and had the chills but today I am much better thank goodness.
Hope all is well with everyone. I'll post a real post soon. Just checking in to let you know I've not fell off the earth.

Friday, December 26, 2008

And SO It's Over

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. We had a nice quiet day, eating, watching movies and eating again. My good eating habits have really gone bad lately but the first of the year I plan to get back to healthier eating habits.

I am working a half day today and the crowds at Walmart will be heavy this morning as people go for the after Christmas bargains. I doubt we'll do too much business but then again you never know.

I have lots of planning and packing to do after the first of the year. I'm excited to get started with it My wish is that I'll get my mother's blessings on this move, but that is not going to happen. Sadly. But enough of that, I'm sure there will be more in the future on this subject.

Today my Granddaughter turns eight! I can hardly believe she is eight! How did that happen? The pull to her is stronger than ever. I want to be there to experience things with her, to just be there. I don't want to miss the next eight years.

Happy Birthday Haleigh, Grandma's coming!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Happy Christmas Eve

Our party went well yesterday, everyone in good spirits and we had lots of goodies to eat and our White Elephant went well even though we all kept the first gift we got and nobody swapped out. I told them we are just boring people but maybe we are just proud of what we get the first go round.
Today I work until three o'clock and then I'll go up to my parent's where we'll have finger foods and open our gifts and that will pretty much be our Christmas but what a glorious Christmas it is. A few months back I had no idea if I'd be alive and well. If it was a wake up call I needed, boy did I get that. I've had a roller coaster of a year with loss and pain and joy and gratitude. As I reflect back and try to move forward, I can't help but think there is a purpose in my life I've not seen before. I've just got to figure it out and live to the best of my ability to fulfil that purpose.
One of my customers loaned me a book called The Christmas Sweater by Glenn Beck and it is wonderful. Read it if you haven't already.
And so I'm off to get ready for work. Hoping all of you a safe and happy holiday filled with love and family and friends.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Cold one Day, Hot the Next

Crazy weather here. It was freezing cold yesterday, freezing cold this morning but by Christmas day it will be 70 degrees. No white Christmas here.
I close today so I don't go in until noon. But as usual I am up early and working on the pot of coffee. Today is our Christmas party at work. We call it a party but we still have to work, so we just party in between patients and we eat. This year our White Elephant gifting should be fun.
We were busy yesterday which just proves you can't predict retail sales as this week is not generally a week that we are. Glasses are not a big Christmas item but there are people who are trying to use their insurance benefits before the end of the year so that helps us. And we love Flex cards as some people have money left over and glasses are a good way to use that up. SO who knows! Today we could be slow or not. No way in knowing.
Tomorrow we are open and I am working but we are only open until three o'clock so that will be a pretty short day. I have one of our part timers working with me, and the other girls have kids or family visiting or grand kids, so I try to always give them Christmas Eve off.
And so we are almost there and I wish you all the Merriest of Christmases. And have a great day today.

Monday, December 22, 2008

A Little Girl's Dream Come True

Nothing could I say would beat this picture this morning. Will she have a white Christmas? Doesn't matter, she's having fun now.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Just me Thinking

A few weeks back Tammy wrote a post about her Christmas pasts, present and future and it got me to thinking.
My Christmas pasts were wonderful as a child. Santa came to see me early on Christmas Eve because my mother just couldn't wait. She'd arrange for us to go somewhere always right after supper on Christmas eve and lo and behold when we returned home, Santa had come. I never remember waking up to Christmas morning Santa. I thought I was special because he came to my house early.
When I was a teenager Christmas got a little sad and I learned it was so much more fun seeing Christmas through the eyes of a child. When my parents divorced we moved near my Aunt and her kids so for the next few years it was nice. And then of course Christmas was fun with my own boys.
But suddenly I found myself all alone, with my grandchild far away and Christmas became more of a chore than a joy. As I browse other people's blog and see their families decorate the tree I realize what I've missed for a long time now. I can't remember the last time I have felt the Christmas spirit or felt true joy.
This Christmas I am extremely grateful to be alive and well. This Christmas I miss Jonathan who in his own way brought a little Christmas joy to me if only to just show up on my doorsteps and ask me to babysit his dog while he went to a Christmas party, like he did last year. Since Matthew moved away from home, I've seldom even had a tree up as he was the one who always made sure I had one.
As for my Christmas future, next year I hope to be helping my family decorate the tree. I hope to find magic through my granddaughter's eyes. I'm tired of being alone during this season. I'm tired of going through the motions and feeling short changed. But next Christmas I hope to be with the people I love the most in the world. Losing Jonathan, going through Cancer, these things have made realize more than ever that we're not promised tomorrow and I've wasted enough time!!

Friday, December 19, 2008

A Christmas Angel with a Turquoise Hat

Yesterday morning one of my first customers was a lovely woman who was 85 years old. She was just beautiful. She stood straight and tall with a sweet face and soft blondish hair which she told me without shame came from a bottle. It was hard to believe she was 85. She wanted to see the most fashionable glasses I had and also "Sara Palin" glasses (we get a lot of requests for these). We tried on lots of different styles before she finally chose a really pretty pair by Vogue. At one point as we stood by the frames she looked at me and touched my head covered by the head covering I was wearing and asked, with a twinkle in her bright blue eyes, "What's under that?"
I laughed and told her nothing, that I was still bald from going through Chemo. She told me her daughter had had breast cancer a few years back but that it was discovered really early and she was ok now. She then very shyly told me she'd since been crocheting hats for Cancer patients and wondered if I'd like to have one. I told her I'd love to have one. We finished her glasses purchase and she left.
Much later in the afternoon I looked up and there she stood, with a bag in her hand and her husband with her that was just as handsome as she was beautiful. I went to her and we sat down, she had brought about ten hats for me to choose from but almost immediately I saw the Turquoise one. I have hats and coverings to match almost all my clothes but I have a few things in turquoise that I've not been able to match and so I knew this was the one I wanted. In fact I hardly looked at the other ones. Her hand work was beautiful and I chose that one and gave her a hug and she says, "Now, if you really don't like it you don't have to take it."
"Are you kidding me! I love it and mostly because you made it and I will think of you every time I wear it." Her face just lit up and it was at that moment I knew she was an angel for sure. So I now own a crocheted turquoise hat that I will treasure forever.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Froggy Again

Well, it is still foggy and warm here, I think by the weekend it is suppose to change. One of my boys, I think Jonathan used to say "froggy" instead of foggy. I'm pretty sure it was him as Matthew didn't really speak until he was nearly two and he spoke very clearly. The only thing about Matthew was he got his pronouns mixed up and instead of saying "I want milk", he would say "My want milk". Jonathan spoke early but nobody could understand what he was saying much except me and sometimes I couldn't. He couldn't say Matthew, instead he'd say Baboo, and we called Matthew that ourselves for quite sometime. Poor Matthew.

I think I have an eye infection but the good thing about that is I work with an eye dr. I'm not sure that is what it is. My eye is sore, and feels like there is something in it but I can't see anything. I'll let him check it out when I get to work.
He treats a lot of eye infections and it is amazing really that we don't get many infections ourselves, I think I've had one in all the years I've worked in this field.
Other than that I am feeling really well. I am grateful for everyday. You tend to take that for granted until you go through something rough like I did.
I think for our party I am going to make Shirley's cheese ball and some sausage balls and maybe some butter cookies. The Dr.'s wife is bringing brownies, two different kinds. Brownies are my favorite. And I've still got to come up with my own White Elephant gift. Our party is coming up fast, it is on Tuesday.
I have beautiful eyebrows but not too much on my head yet. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll be bald forever. I have sprigs about an eighth of an inch. I'm trying to be patient. I read where someone used Head and Shoulders shampoo and she thought that helped so I'm using that.
Hope your day is a good one ,

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Just This and That

As much of the country is cold and having snow and ice, we are having early morning fog and highs of almost eighty.
Today is my day off. I have to go have one more blood test for the blood thinner clinic that has managed that for me. I will stop taking it today. Actually I've not taken it like I was suppose to for the last week or so, but the blood test is only to not leave me hanging and to make sure the blood is not too thin. I also have to go to the laundry mat. I have a new book to start, (a must have when you have to go to the laundry mat) and not too many clothes to wash so I should be back home by noon.
Our customers yesterday seemed to be on edge a little, but that is not unusual for this time of the year. We always just try and bear it the best we can and say, "Tis the Season". Christmas stresses people out and if you work in retail you are the enemy sometimes, even if you are as nice as you can be. Just goes with the work.
After the first of the year I've got to start packing my things. I am not taking anything big, just my personal stuff because I am going to live with my son and his family at first and I don't have anything big of real value to me or meaning except of course my cedar chest.
Anyhow........not much else going on for me. Hope your week is going well.

Monday, December 15, 2008

A Gift to You

THIS is really sweet. Click here. Merry Christmas!

Peaceful Sleep

After months of not being able to sleep so well, of taking ambien to help that, I am finally able to sleep without help from anything. Last night I went to sleep before ten and slept past six. Wow. It was a good restful sleep too, although I think I did get up once to go to the bathroom. IT is so nice to be off all that medicine.
I can hardly believe next week is Christmas. It is coming fast for sure. The girls voted to do the White Elephant thing for work and everyone will bring food. We'll do that on the 23rd as we are all working that day.
Our weather is weird this week, after weeks of cold weather, this week the low all week will be in the fifties.
I've drank way too much coffee this morning and need to get up and start getting ready for work. Hope you all have a good week and find a little Christmas magic somewhere along the way.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Exactly Why Is it That You Want to Move??

Forgive me for this post but that question has been swimming around in my head ever since it was put to me back during the summer. It was asked by my mother as we sat in a Doctor's office right after he had told me that I would need chemo. I was upset and I said aloud, "Looks like I'll never get to be where I want to be!" She and I, up until that moment had not talked directly to each other about me moving. She and my son had talked about it, and she'd told him she felt like I was desserting her . She had talked with other people about it and to them pretended to be so supporting of the move, but up until that very moment we'd not discussed it at all. And then to have it asked like that to me, I was shocked. Why indeed? I couldn't believe I had to even explain why.
My grandchild is there. She will be eight years old the day after Christmas. I have seen her only maybe twice a year since she was two. The only person I had left in the world that could call me Mama is there. Jonathan was always in favor of me moving there and after his death, I just knew I had to. I am so alone here. Sure, I am here when my mother's computer breaks down, I am here to add a third chair to their table at holidays. But I am not a part of their lives really. And they don't need me at all. They are healthy, and have each other. I have lived my whole 51 years within 60 miles of where my mother lives. Mostly I have lived on her land. We once, Matthew and I, asked them if I could buy my little piece of land, so I'd at least have something that was mine, but they would not sell it to me.
I understood Jonathan, he was the child most like me, only the feelings and pain that come from deep inside, I learned to handle years ago. Jonathan never learned that. Matthew is the child of my heart. It is hard to explain to someone who has not had that experience with another human being how that works. We can finish each other's sentences. We both have a lot of respect for each other's opinions, even when they differ. We share together the whole Jonathan experience in a way no other people did. We knew the "real" Jonathan. Jonathan almost made me have a nervous breakdown when he was a teenager and Matthew saved me. Even at thirteen he had the calmness, the stability that I needed. He is the one person in this world that accepts me unconditionally and allows me to be me without making me feel that is a bad thing.
Why exactly do I want to move to Washington? If I have to explain that to my mother, I suppose she'd not understand it anyway. AND that breaks my heart. But it doesn't surprise me at all.

The Legend of the Poinsettia

Do you know the Legend of the Poinsettia? I first heard it years ago when I was decorating our store for Christmas. In one of the display cases I decided the theme would be Poinsettias and Steph had just gotten a computer so she and I searched for some info on the plant and we came across the sweet legend. I've loved it ever since.
I found it on this site but I've borrowed it and copied it here.

The Legend of the

A charming story is told of Pepita, a poor Mexican girl who had no gift to present the Christ Child at Christmas Eve Services. As Pepita walked slowly to the chapel with her cousin Pedro, her heart was filled with sadness rather than joy.
"I am sure, Pepita, that even the most humble gift, if given in love, will be acceptable in His eyes," said Pedro consolingly.

Not knowing what else to do, Pepita knelt by the roadside and gathered a handful of common weeds, fashioning them into a small bouquet. Looking at the scraggly bunch of weeds, she felt more saddened and embarrassed than ever by the humbleness of her offering. She fought back a tear as she entered the small village chapel.

As she approached the alter, she remembered Pedro's kind words: "Even the most humble gift, if given in love, will be acceptable in His eyes." She felt her spirit lift as she knelt to lay the bouquet at the foot of the nativity scene.

Suddenly, the bouquet of weeds burst into blooms of brilliant red, and all who saw them were certain that they had witnessed a Christmas miracle right before their eyes.

From that day on, the bright red flowers were known as the Flores de Noche Buena, or Flowers of the Holy Night, for they bloomed each year during the Christmas season.

Today, the common name for this plant is the poinsettia!

© Paul Ecke Ranch All Rights Reserved

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Shared Stress

For the last few days, well since Wednesday morning, anytime I've had spare time I've been trying to help my mother get her computer fixed. It started out with an hour conversation with her server. The guy was not much help and I had to cut him short as I had to get to work. That night I spent another two hours with another very nice Indian guy that I had to learn how to understand (in my mind, my own thoughts are still coming with a slight Indian accent.} Finally after trouble shooting everything, he decided it was not a Bell South problem but a Microsoft problem instead. So, yesterday I was off and spent another two hours with a Microsoft guy (in India). Finally they found some corrupted files of her Zone Alarm (which in my opinion is a pain) but even after he disabled those files the computer was not able to browse the web so he tells me to call Bell South back! URG!
I just couldn't do it, I was tired and felt like they were just passing me back and forth. My mother, hysterical for someone who claims she doesn't need a computer, just couldn't believe I couldn't fix her computer. I suggested to her to take to someone and she gets upset because they will charge her a fortune!!!
I set it up to restore itself to an earlier time and came home. My mother is in such a mood that brings me down, she is stressed, and well, it was just better for me to come home. About an hour later she calls me and tells me she's fixed her computer! She says a window popped up saying it couldn't restore back to the earlier date and she just started clicking and the next thing she knew it was working, so HALLELUJAH!
Somewhere in between there we managed to get our boxes shipped to Washington, so I feel good to have those off in time for Christmas. I was beginning to think we weren't going to get that done.
Today I'm working and very glad!
Hope your weekend is a good one.

Friday, December 12, 2008

A Special Customer

We have a few kids who are regular patients of ours that come in on their own while their mothers are shopping. They are funny in that they feel comfortable enough to follow us right into the lab while we fix their glasses or clean them. They are not suppose to be in the lab but I've never said anything and they chat or ask questions about all the neat stuff in the lab. One such little fellow came in yesterday.

His face broke into a smile as he recognized me under my hat. "Where have you been?" he asked, "I wondered where you were." I smiled and told him I'd been off for a while but I was back now. He followed me into the lab to fix his glasses and he told me what he'd been up to in his ten year old enthusiasm and told me he was getting a Wi for Christmas and what games with it. All at once he says to me, "Did you get a haircut?" Now, my hat completely covered my bald head so I thought it was funny he asked me this instead of why I was wearing a hat. I explained to him that I had been sick and had Chemo and that made me lose my hair. His little face became so concerned so I quickly told him I was ok now and he smiled a big old smile and just like that he went off into what else he was getting for Christmas. Kids are so funny and honest and unafraid to just ask.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

A Day with the Boss

Yesterday my boss was in town for an unemployment hearing but I wasn't sure she was going to even stop by. I should have known, she ended up staying the afternoon with us and even went and ate with me, and bought, which she very seldom does. While she was there she did a store visit and we came out good. She and I have known each other for years, in fact she hired me nearly 15 years ago. While we were having lunch she says, "I don't know why when I get with you I just talk and talk." She tries to stay professional at all times but when you've worked together as long as we have, it is hard sometimes. And this is the person I like the best, the one who takes off her professional hat sometimes, and so lunch was enjoyable, in fact her whole visit was the nicest one I remember in quite some time.
Our weather is heavy rain and winds. I don't have to get out in it until noon today as I am closing and maybe by the time I get off it will be over.
This weather is a business killer if you depend on customers to make money, which we do. Lots of no show appointments yesterday but maybe today will be better.
Thanks to all of you who gave me ideas on what to bring to our potluck. TOday I'll put it up to a vote about the gifts.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Christmas on the Mind

Usually Wednesday is my day off but this week we are working a weird schedule, so I'm not off until Friday. And that's ok because I seem to feel better on the days I work. eye brows are coming in! YAY! They look strange at the moment but that's ok too, I can live with that.
I can't believe it is almost Christmas. I feel like I missed the summer. I feel as if I fell asleep in the Spring and woke up and it is Christmas time. Along with that though came a wonderful Christmas gift of being Cancer Free and everyday my body gets stronger.
Speaking of Christmas, the girls and I at work need to decide what we are going to do. We usually draw names but this year because nobody seems to have money I wonder if they'd rather skip the gifts and just have food or maybe a white elephant gift. Very seldom do we all work at one time but we're all there on the 23rd so I'm thinking that will be the perfect day. Steph always makes those little sausages in the crockpot and Loni does punch with ginger ale and sherbet and I need a yummy something to take. Any suggestions?
I hope your day is a lovely one today.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008


This is my mother's Christmas Cactus or is it the Thanksgiving Cactus, she has both and I never know which is which, but I always think they are pretty.
I am up early as usual. This is Conference Call morning but I still have over an hour before that. Sweetie is outside exploring as it is not so cold this morning and she is staying out longer than usual. I have my coffee and I don't go into work until noon because I have to close tonight.
I still have no hair. I have some baby fine stuff that you can't even see, I can feel it. I'm beginning to worry as it has been about seven weeks since my last treatment and some of what you read says it starts coming back within six weeks for some folks. Oh well, I'll just have to be patient I guess.
This Friday is payday and will be the first whole check for me for quite some time. So grateful that I had the disability insurance, it sure got me through while I was sick. Insurance is a wonderful thing on so many levels and I am so grateful I had it.
And over the weekend I got an email from Haleigh that said something like this, "Dear Grandma, I am so glad the Cancer is all gone. Are you coming, huh, huh, huh?"
Yes Haleigh, I'm coming, you can bet your bottom dollar!
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Monday, December 08, 2008

Just a bit of Boring Blogging

As predicted my day off yesterday was pretty uneventful. I watched movies and read my book and took a nap and ate. I watched Nim's Island, which was a really sweet movie and Step Brothers because I have this thing for Will Ferrell movies no matter how bad they are. He cracks me up, just looking at him makes me laugh.
Today starts a new week and it is COLD this morning but rain is coming and the next few days will be warmer, just wet I think.
And getting up and going to work is still wonderful to me. I guess when you aren't able to work it makes you really appreciate when you can. I hope the next time I'm off for any amount of time it will be to move.
I'm reading a new author, Jane Green. The book I'm reading is called Beach House. I swear I've read at least three other books called Beach House or some variation of that title. And I'm drawn to them every time. This one take place in Nantucket. It is a good read and I'm almost done with it.
And that is about all I know, my life is pretty boring at the moment, thank goodness. Hope your week is a good one.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Tired but Happy

Last night I was more tired than I've been since going back to work. We had a great day, it was pleasant and we were super busy and had a great money day and that is a good thing.
Our Dr. is off today so it will be slower and I don't go in until noon so I get some extra rest this morning but I had a good night's sleep and I feel good this morning. I am off almost all meds which is a good thing. I am sleeping now with no help from drugs and I'm off the iron and have only a week and a half to be on the blood thinners.
Tomorrow I am off and I have three Movies to watch and two books to read and so that is all I intend on doing. Oh, and I have to redo one of the bracelets I sold to the lady at the Cancer Clinic who wanted them, she asked me to make one with two extra beads and now she's decided she needs one bead off. URG!!!! That will mess up the pattern and I just about can't stand to do that and it is one of the reasons I don't like to make jewelry for people. But I will do it.
Anyhow......that is my life at the moment. Hope you have a good weekend and get to spend it with the people you love the most.

Friday, December 05, 2008

The News

Well, the news is good. No radiation. The Dr. said he wouldn't know where to start if he did. The scan is so clear, it shows no sign at all of disease and he said if he did try it, he'd only make me sick. So thank God and prayers and now I can go on with my life.
Matthew told me to quit making excuses now about moving, lol. I'll still have to have check ups for a year every three months, and I'm still trying to get over chemo but I feel really good and work has been easy.
And so I am really celebrating today and just so thankful.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

I Find Out Today

Today I work half the day and then I have the appointment with the radiologist. He will let me know what the decision is about having radiation. I am praying for it not to happen but I can accept whatever they think best. I think. It's just that everyday I am feeling stronger and stronger and I really hate to get hit with the radiation, but we will see what happens. I am so thankful I responded to the chemo so positively, I really shouldn't complain about anything.
My Mom and I have to get busy and get our Christmas box mailed out to the kids in Washington. This time of year the mail starts moving kind of slow so we try to get it out early. Yesterday I was off and wore myself out doing laundry. I have to go to the laundry mat as my washer and dryer both died last year and I've not replaced them since I am moving and not taking too much with me. And everything I owned was dirty. My mom did my laundry for me while I was sick, but I only took her what I had to have so I had some catching up to do. But now everything is clean.
Whatever you to today, I hope you have a good one.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Boots and Little Girls

It is my belief and conviction that every little girl should have a pair of boots. Sometimes little southern girls don't really get boots as they aren't really needed as a necessity but at around age five, wise Santa Clause brought me a pair of White Majorette boots and it was love at first sight. They looked a lot like these. I squeezed my poor little feet into them until I probably ruined my toes for life but I loved them. I'd polish them with white shoe polish and rub them until the shine came back and I thought I was something.

Later I discovered Cowgirl books. Good old Santa delivered them as well when I was around eight. They looked something like this.

And then when I was thirteen and really into Native Americans I found in the Speigel Catalog a pair of Suede Brown Boots, with Tassels and I begged for them. They way back then cost way too much money and I figured begging wasn't going to get me anywhere, but I wore the page out looking at them and lusting for them. To my surprise and delight, wrapped under the Christmas Tree that year was those boots. They were the best boots I'd ever owned and I wore them out! They looked a little like thi v>
And so I guess that explains why starting last year I've made sure my little name sake has a pair of boots. We bought this years yesterday, and I know she loves them as much as I ever did. Having a pair of boots is a MUST when you are a little girl and that's the truth!
> And anyway, putting a smile on a little girl's face is always worth it, plus, no little girl should go through life without a funky pair of boots. And that's the Truth!

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

An Odd Dream

I dreamed the other night that I woke up and TADA! Hair! Only thing is it sort of looked like Suri Cruise's hair, only lopsided, longer on one side and the bangs really uneven but I was so proud to have hair, it didn't phase me. Crazy dreams!
I do have some hair, single little sprouts, about an eighth of an inch long and so far no bottom lashes. But it has only been six weeks since the last chemo and most of what I've read says two to four months before enough grows back to really see.
It's my day to close at work so that means I go in at twelve thirty and get off at eight thirty but I'm up very early, and the regular Tuesday conference call has been put off until tomorrow. It is cold this morning but I'm thinking toward the end of the week it will warm up.
And that's about all I know this morning. Coffee's ready and calling my name.
Hope your Tuesday is a good one.

Monday, December 01, 2008

No Monday Morning Blues Here

Well, the rain is gone and Cold is back, brrr! In our store you never know what will be pouring in through the vents, heat at full speed or A/C. Doesn't seem to matter what the temperature is. We've been told, and I'm not sure how true it is that the heat and cool is controlled in Arkansas which is where Walmart's main office is. We have no thermostat in our office, so who knows! I'll layer.
Yesterday my five hours were long, I didn't have too many customers and I got all my paperwork done and then I worked on a training I'm behind in. But the hours went by very slowly, but it was a nice day. After work my mother called and invited me for a bowl of vegetable soup and after that, so tired was I, I came home and soon went to sleep.
Now that the Contact Lens sale is over, the company will focus on people who have insurance and flex accounts, reminding them by automated calls and post cards that it's close to the end of the year and if they don't use their plans they'll lose them.
I just heard my coffee pot make that last big puff so I'm going to get my first cup and listen to the news and then I'll get ready to start my day. Smiling, and so glad I'm able to.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Last Minute Customers and a Difficult Christmas Tree

We were pretty busy yesterday, it was the last day of the big contact lens sale and of course we had people who waited until the very last minute and so even though we closed at six, and everyone else had left me by five, I got stuck with a few people and didn't really close until six thirty or so, but that was ok, I didn't have a hot date or anything to get to.
At some point we've got to decorate for Christmas and so Steph and I at least put the tree up. We have one of those that you buy that already has lights on it and we fought with it because half the lights were out. We finally got all of them to come on except the top third of the tree and we ended up having to change out every little bulb. IT was a pain but it is up. The girls will decorate it the rest of the way Monday, I hope.
I have to work today, but it is only a five hour day and it is the end of the month so I have paperwork to do, so I'll be busy, even without too many customers.
Next week I have to go get one more blood test for the blood thinner and then I only have to take it a few more weeks and I'm off of that and also Thursday is the day I go see the Radiologist to see what decision they came up with for me.
It would be nice not to have to see anymore Dr's for a long time but we shall find out. I'm ok with whichever way we go. And that is a good place to be.
In the meantime, I am feeling fine and that is a very good thing. Happy Sunday to you all,

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Rain & More Rain

I'm not complaining about the rain though, I like rain and we always need it. It was rainy all day yesterday and looks like it will be that way today too. Working seems to have cured my waking up at four thirty in the morning. I slept until seven thirty this morning but I don't go in today until ten thirty so I'm ok.
We had a pleasant day at work, the big store was busy but we stayed pretty busy as well and although we are a little behind our budget, I am pleased we've done as well as we have in this economy.
After work I stopped by for left overs for supper up at my Mom's and I hardly remember anything after that, I came home and not too long afterwards went to bed.
Back in July when we had the Family Reunion here, one of my cousins came up with the idea of having just a "Cousin's" reunion. She and her husband live up in the Georgia Mountains and are care takers of a group of cabins and they can have people stay there if the family that owns them aren't using them. I figured she was just wishing and talking about it but it looks like she is really planning it and since I am planning on moving miles away in the Spring she wants to do it before I move.
I'm not much on reunions but this would be different, just us cousins who've always loved each other but never gotten to spend much time with each other since we've been grown, so if it happens I think I'd love it.
And so, that's about all I know for now.
Have a good day!

Friday, November 28, 2008

Friday Ramblings

I got coffee brewing and I'm ready for a cup. Because the Walmart Store has all those early bird specials, our company thinks the Vision Center should open early to maybe attract some of those customers. Of course it has been our experience that those people are not interested in glasses that early and so usually it is a waste of time. Our District manager kind of left it up to us this year and so I decided to go in alone and open at eight instead of nine, and maybe I'll sell something but I doubt it. Some of the stores will open at seven, but I don't see the point in that.

We had a pleasant day of Thanks yesterday. Ate too much, but the food was very good of course and then a nice nap and I watched a movie and then we ate again.

This morning it is raining and the frigid cold is gone for the moment. One of my biggest problems lately is staying warm. Even at work I freeze to death when everyone else is either comfortable or hot. My body temperature seems to be way off.

I think I work straight through everyday until Wednesday now, and that's good, I am feeling good and stronger everyday. The better I feel the more I hope they don't do the radiation. But then again I want every chance I can get for the disease not to come back. At any rate I'll find out on Thursday.

And so I must get my day started. Hope your day is a good one.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Wishing all of you a Very happy Thanksgiving. I have lots to be thankful for this year. I am thankful for my family, I am thankful I had a son in my life for thirty years that was a complicated, loving, talented gift to me. I am thankful for his brother Matthew and hope we will soon be together and I am thankful he wants that also. I am thankful that I am Cancer Free, and I am thankful to live in a Free and Beautiful country. I am thankful for my job. I am thankful also for all my blogger friends. Hoping you all the best wishes and the happiest of Turkey Day.

Back to Work I GO

Not sure if it was all the excitement from going back to work or if I just had an off day but I felt lousy all day yesterday. At least it was my day off and so I just didn't do too much and this morning I woke up feeling fine again. Maybe just one of those days. it is back to work and I'm ready. We have a Big Contact Lens Sale twice a year and today starts that, so we're all there. It is cold this morning and I'm waiting anxiously for my coffee to get ready.
Our Thanksgiving will be just us, my parents and myself but my mother was trying to figure out the menu and was going shopping late last night to avoid the crowds.
The economy may be bad and we may all be watching our spending but most of us are going to eat for sure. I wish every American Family would have a nice warm meal tomorrow but I know not everyone will.
And so, I've got to get my day started and I hope for you all a good day and a Very Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Flowers I got Yesterday

The ones on the left are from my girls at work, they had them waiting for me on my desk. The ones on the right came from Matthew, Amy, & Haleigh and were delivered to me. And then when I got home, Roses from my special Warrior, thank you my Warrior Friend.

A Good First Day

I had a great day yesterday. The girls at work went all out to make sure I felt welcomed back. I've got a conference call this morning, if fact in a few minutes but I've got pictures to post and things to tell you about what they did and so I'll be back to do that.
I am off today, after the conference call at least.
I was very tired by the time I got home, really only hit me when I finally sat down, but it was a good kind of tired.
Be back soon!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Off to Work I Go, YAY!

Ok, today's the day. I hope I remember how to log on to our computer. I hope I remember how to sell glasses and talk to customers about what they need. I hope I remember how to deal with insurance. I hope my head covering doesn't fall off. Work has been so far from my mind for so long, I hope it all comes back to me.

I am up early, as usual, and I don't have to be at work until eight forty five. I thought I'd try to sleep at least until seven but at five thirty I was wide awake. I work today and am off tomorrow and am off on Thanksgiving and I work the rest of the week.

I am feeling quite well, really strong but I know being on my feet all day will be a challenge. I can sit if I need to, and if we are busy, we are up and down and then I have a tiny little office I can escape to if I have to. But I have a feeling I am going to be fine. I am so excited to get back out there and so very thankful I am able to.

Hoping whatever you do today will be a good one.



Sunday, November 23, 2008

We are What we Eat

I've researched a lot about certain food that may or may not help the body fight off cancer. According to this site these are the top ten Cancer fighing foods.

1. Tomatoes
2. Broccoli Sprouts
3. Berries
4. Soybeans
5. Tea
6. Pumpkin
7. Spinach
8. Garlic
9. Pineapples
10. Apples

The Road Ahead

As excited as I am to go back to work, I am surprised that I am also nervous. My stomach is churning and I have that anxious feeling and it finally occurred to me it has to be all about tomorrow.
It was weird to go back after being out for six weeks when I had surgery, but this time it has been 4 and a half months. That's a long time!
As I look down the road ahead of me, it is my plans to be able to move to Washington in the Spring. I am told the people at work, (because they know I've wanted to do this for a long time, and spent a year trying to decide if it was the right move for me)thought I'd just not come back to work here, but it is not that simple. I've got to have a job lined up, I've got to be able to pack stuff up, it has to be a time when Matthew can come help me and get me. My boss is aware of my plans and she will help me however she can as far as a transfer. My mother, knows my plans, although I don't think she really believes I am going to. She doesn't understand my son WANTS me there. And of course after all I've been through and having her to go through it with me, it throws me back into that mode of feeling guilty for leaving her. But like Matthew says, when she and my stepfather needs us, we can come back, I am not deserting her. It will be hard, but I'm not going to doubt again what I want.
Some people say having Cancer was the best thing that happened to them. I'm not at that point. I am very thankful that I responded to that nasty Chemo, and I have realized in a double way, dealing with my son's suicide and my disease, how precious life is, and how you can be sailing along in life and POOF! Everything changes.
So, as I take my first step onto this road ahead of me, I am going to try and live the best I can, and we will see where it leads.
Hope you have a good Sunday,

Friday, November 21, 2008

Feeling So Good

It is, and I don't know why really, amazing to me how I get stronger and stronger everyday. That is a good thing, and my body is on hardly any medication anymore, and no more poison so it makes sense, and I've been poked and prodded so much that at least I know I'm pretty healthy and so I can take that and run with it.
I've finished my six bracelets and got them boxed and ready to deliver. And I'm reading a book by Lance Armstrong called "It's Not About the Bike, My Journey Back to Life", which is pretty amazing. I didn't think I'd care for it because I figured he talked a lot about cycling and he does, but it is interesting.
It is still cold here in Georgia, and suppose to be really really cold tonight.
And the Radiologist called me today and he is leaning toward me NOT having radiation....but as I've learned with this ordeal, don't believe anything the first time you hear it. My case has to be presented to the Cancer Board of the hospital and though he thought they'd agree with him, I am ok either way. That board of Dr.'s are a lot smarter than me on the subject and so I'll find out on Dec. 4th when I have an appointment with him.
Other than all that, I've had a pretty uneventful day. This is the last few days of me staying at home and I can't tell you how glad I am to be going back to work, even if I am bald! BIG DEAL! I'm alive!!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

A Nice Day

I've had a really good day. I met Steph for lunch, and even though she took a long lunch, still wasn't enough time to catch up on things, we're behind four months really.
And then I had to buy groceries, which isn't my favorite thing, and then I came home to see my supplies for the bracelets are here, so I made three of the six and then my Aunt called and I promised her one (I'm nutty). Anyway, my legs are a little wobbly but I tested my strength today and I think I'll be fine for work on Monday. I still have heard nothing else about radiation. Not sure that is a good sign or a bad one. Anyway, it is going to be a good thing for me to get back out in the world. I am sooooo ready.
I hope your day was a good one.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


My friend and fellow warrior, Tammy, did a post on me yesterday that featured this beautiful Angel of Courage and although I can't believe someone as courageous as she gives me so much credit, I did want you to visit and read it and the poem she wrote. It is just beautiful and I am honored to have her as a friend. Thank you Tammy with all my heart. I'll never forget the day you emailed me and told me I had to be a WARRIOR. And after reading your blog, I knew you knew what you were talking about. You truly live the life of a Warrior everyday and have done so for a long time.
Ok, this is my 4th post for today and I'm done. (Maybe)

My Cousin

I have a cousin, Chad in Iraq. He is special to me, one reason being when Jonathan died, he called me from Iraq. It meant so much to me to hear from him at that time. Anyway, his wife sent out this picture the other day of him meeting a former President and I think that was way cool. So I wanted to share it.

More About My Yesterday

I was so very nervous yesterday when I got to the Dr.'s office that my heart rate was off the charts. So much so that the nurse didn't trust the machine and took it with her hand and it was beating like a drum playing Wipe Out. I told her I was very nervous and anxious. She made sure I didn't have dizziness or shortness of breath, which I assured her I didn't. I was just plain scared to death!
When I saw the Dr. he took his sweet time telling me. He was really jolly though and I thought surely if he had bad news he wouldn't be so happy, but you never know about Dr.'s. They are indeed strange creatures for sure. He said, "Now you've only had five treatments?" And I said, "NO! I'm done with the treatments, I've had all six." He says, as he searches his notes, "Well, I just don't see where I recorded that." I was getting a little impatient with him so I said, "You're suppose to have a CT scan. HE says, "Oh, that I do have." And he still is searching his notes. I sit there, my heart I think is simply going to jump right our of my chest. Finally he says, "The CT scan looks wonderful, you are completely Cancer Free!"
At first I thought surely I did not hear him correctly, so I was silent for a minute and then I just burst into tears and told him I loved him, lol. He told me he loved me too. I don't have to see him again until three months.
We discussed Radiation. He's never seemed to be real keen it seems to me on the radiation if I responded so well to the Chemo but he has to refer me back now to the Radiologist that referred me to him and he says that since I'm only 51 and could possibly have 20 or 30 more years to live, they would want to do any preventative measures to keep it from reoccurring and you know that is what anyone with Cancer always fears. So, I still don't know if they are going to do that or not, they are trying to figure it out and maybe I will hear soon.
Radiation will not be a party, I know and it has its own side effects, and I will have to work while I do it. Radiation is usually every day of the week for five or six weeks. But I will do it if they think I need to. After these last four months I feel like I can do this one last thing. SO we shall see.
I am looking forward to going back to work this coming Monday. I am having lunch Thursday with Steph, my best friend and my assistant manger at work. She got left with it all and has worked hard and I appreciate her keeping things going so much. She has done a good job but I know she is tired and has missed many days off. Somehow I need to make that up to her.
I'll end my rambling for now. I hope you are having a good week. I got to start thinking about moving. I'm getting closer and closer to being where I want to be and I'm over the moon!

THE Marie Antoinette Award

I woke up this morning to find a blog award to me from Linda over at Vulture Peak Muse . It is an award for speaking your truth with sincerity and integrity and Linda awarded it to me for speaking the truth of my cancer journey. Thank you Linda! I am honored and I hope if someone else faces this battle and they search for others like I did, they will land here and know they can get through it, even dealing with other problems as well. I too seem to choose blogs of people who are honest and truthful about their lives and I think all on my blog list do that as well.
Linda is a talented artist and if you've not ever visited, please do. She faces challenges as well and shares all of it with truth and her honest feelings, and her heart is big as Texas. She has never failed to encourage me and share her feelings and thoughts with me. Thank you Linda.
I'm not going to award it to any one person, but if you'd like it or like to share it with someone you know, please do.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I'm sorry......... be so late in getting back to you. I've spent the afternoon with my mother and also making calls. I've got two words to share with you all.


Those are the words that belong to me! I am so happy, so glad, and so very thankful. Thankful to God, and to all of you who've been on this journey with me. How can I ever thank you? Some days your words are what got me through. It is still up in the air about radiation, the two Dr.'s have to discuss it but that's ok. I am going to be ok. And at last I can move forward.

I'll tell you more tomorrow, for now I'm just going to enjoy knowing that that Chemo did what it was suppose to.

Thank you again, all of you so much,



Ok, today's the day and I'm a nervous wreck. My appointment is at ten, but you know how that goes, I probably won't get in to see him until an hour past that. All I can do is hope that Chemo did its job and we'll see where we go from here. I'll post this afternoon. MY mother is going with me and she has plans to go shopping at Walgreen's when we get done, she's clipped coupons and I have a $25 dollar certificate there because I transferred a Rx from Walmart, only because Walmart didn't have the drug I needed. So, I gave it to her, so we'll see how that goes.

So, wish me luck and I'll be back.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Cold Monday Morn

I slept this morning until almost 7:30 which is a record for me. I got my coffee brewing and it is in the 30's here this morning. Wednesday morning will be in the 20's! But I'm warm and snuggly inside and so I don't care.
Since I'm going back to work a week from today, this week I'm going to try and take a walk every afternoon and test my strength out. I will however wait until this afternoon when it is a little warmer. Sweetie has gotten fat! Although I can let her out alone out here in the country and trust her not to go to the road, she never wants to stay out long and so a walk will do her good as well.
Tomorrow I see the Dr. for the results of the CT scan. I'm a little nervous. I never trust them because it has been my experience they'll tell you everything looks good and then all of a sudden it doesn't. Well, that happened once and it scares me.
Anyway, I have the faith that it is going to be good news. I expect they'll want me to do radiation but please, please, no more chemo. It is what I fear the most.
But I'm thinking positive for good news and so we shall see.
I finished Edgar Sawtelle and it was a good book. A very different book, but one that caught me and held me and the characters are still with me. At least Edgar is. I especially loved the way the author talked of the dogs. That's about all I can say without giving anything away but it was a book worth reading for sure and I'm glad I did.
Other than that my weekend was quite.
And so another week has started and we are closer to me getting back out into the world. I think that will help me more than anything I could do. Living alone through this, there have been times when I've felt so isolated and alone. I'm a loner anyway but this time has been way more than even I've ever wanted.
I hope your week is a good one.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

A Special Gift

Remember when my friend Tammy did the walk for ALS? Well, she wore this band during her walk and guess what? She sent it to me. I don't think she realizes how special it is for me to have it. It says "Never Give UP" and I am so proud and honored to have it. So thank you Tammy. I love you and if I ever knew anyone who Never Gives Up, it is you. You are my inspiration for sure.
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Today is one of those days I think that start off at a warm temperature and gets colder as the day goes on. It is dark and rainy this morning but by in the morning it is suppose to be cold. And cold all week. I'm not sure how cold but down here if it gets below 50 degrees, we are COLD!
It is my company's policy that once you go on long term disability and you're on it for thirty days they can terminate you. I had read this in the policy book before I left work and I didn't know exactly if that meant you'd really get terminated or what. Yesterday I spoke with my boss and guess what? They really mean it. She got an email from the girl in HR and it told her to please send in my termination paperwork. My boss was shocked and not aware of this policy and so she called her and said NO! I don't want this person terminated and so the HR woman told her she'd have to get it approved from a company exec and so thank goodness she did. I was very appreciative because if I lost my job, I'd lose my insurance and oh brother! Can't even think about that without shaking.
SO, that was a relief and I am grateful to have a boss who stood up for me. She is the district manager but she was a manager when I came to work for the company and she originally hired me, so we go way back.
I am planning to go back to work in nine days and I'm excited about it. Regardless of whatever the DR. says on Tuesday, I'm going back to work. And I am so ready. I'm on straight salary but my boss told me if I can't start back full time they can pay me hourly and I told her I wanted to try and start off full time, we'll see how it goes. If I have to have radiation I can still work but I may have to goo hourly if that happens.
SO anyway, this morning I am grateful for my boss and for the company I work for and to God for not letting me lose my job.
My friend over at Rapunzel's Castle mother is fighting Lung Cancer (please add her to your prayers) and on her sidebar she has this which I'd like to share because it is so true.

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit.

Friday, November 14, 2008

What I Know For Sure

Becca wrote a post inspired by an article in Oprah's magazine where you think about what you know for sure. She posed the question on her blog as well as her list. I read that article too and here's my list.

I know that life is not fair and can change in a heartbeat.

I know that you can't control other people but you can control yourself.

I know that you can live with a broken heart but it is hard.

I know that most people honestly care, even the ones you maybe think don't.

I know that good things come out of bad things sometimes.

I know that you have two choices when you face adversity, you give up or you fight like a warrior .

I know that you can love people you've never met face to face.

I know that life is a gift and we are here to help each other.

I know how strong my spirit is and that there is devine intervention that keeps me going.

I know that being a Grandma is the best feeling in the world.

What do you know for sure?

I'm Up Really Early This Morning...

....and having Hazelnut coffee and you know how you get it in your mind that it is a certain day of the week but it really isn't? I keep thinking today is Saturday and I have to keep reminding myself that it is not. Not that it matters that much to me at the moment. All my days seem to be the same.
Today we have bad weather predicted, bad storms and tornado warnings. I don't mind so much, well, I don't want a tornado but I like the rain. Especially if I can stay home, which is what I do most of the time anyway.
I keep checking my head to see if I can spot some hair growth. So far not anything. I have a little fuzz in some places, but nothing else. I am ready to see something growing there!
I can't start on my bracelets until my materials come in but I may work on making some pieces today. Usually I make up some this time of the year and make a little extra money selling it for Christmas gifts. Actually my mother does a better job at selling it than me.
Oh and yesterday I got two cards from customers of mine. Very sweet that they miss me and care enough to send me cards. A few weeks ago I go one from another one too, an elderly lady that is a favorite of mine.
And so that is about all I know for the moment. I'm still into my book and so reading and jewelry making and my computer will keep me occupied today. I hope your day is a good one.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

A Lazy Rainy Day

I'm all done with the CT scan and it is a dreary, cloudy, misting day. Perfect day to curl up with a book. At last I'm able to read, I couldn't for the longest. And it so happens I'm into a really good one too. I'm mostly a sucker for Oprah's picks and although I don't buy all of them, she was so excited about this one I just figured I had to have it. So far it is very good, has me captured. It is also the author's first book and it is my experience that the first book an author writes it usually the best. Not always, but most of the time.
So, I am going to lose myself today in this lovely book and take it easy. I'm not feeling as good as I have, nothing big, just tired and my legs ache. Hope you all have a good day.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

A Good Day At Last

So far this week has been really nice. On Monday I got another package from the girls at the store that have sent me little care packages from time to time. This time I got the cutest Christmas pins (two of them) and 3 pair of Christmas earrings. And as always a funny card that makes me smile. I also finally had a long phone call from one of my most favorite people, Tammy who showed up here just when I needed her. She's my inspiration for sure and she and I both had a bad week last week and didn't get to talk. So that always cheers me.
Yesterday my blood work was good so I don't have to change the dose of the blood thinner I'm taking and she said if it stayed good next week I wouldn't have to have blood work every single week, they could spread it out. That is very good news because I cannot tell you how tired I am of being stuck!
And, yesterday afternoon my Nurse called me and told me she had a lady there that saw the bracelets I'd made them and she wanted to know if I'd make her three of them except with a breast cancer ribbon. She caught me off guard a little and I really quoted a price that is way too low, barely pays for my materials, but that is ok, and then she called back and said the lady wanted two more, and then she called back and said she wanted one more, so six all together. WOW! I got work to do now. I have all I need except the ribbons so I had to order them. But I was so excited that someone actually wanted them! So that made me happy.
I also got some Christmas shopping online done. I've always wanted to give my granddaughter the world so I bought her a globe. So all in all, I had a very good day. We'll see how today goes and not think about tomorrow morning when I have two big old jugs of that chalky stuff to drink for my CT scan, YUCK! But then I remind myself that this would have been the week I would have had Chemo so the chalky stuff is really NOTHING! Have a good day!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


Don't forget to take some time out of the day to honor our Vets. I am so grateful for these brave men and women who keep us and our country safe. For the ones who gave their lives, for the ones who made it back, for the ones who are fighting at this very moment, I am so proud of them and for their families who sacrafice so much. Thank you!

Back to Myself

So sorry I've been absent from the blogging world for awhile. The good news is I worked my way out of the darkness of depression and to test my body out I ventured to the grocery store early Sunday morning and shopped and brought my groceries in and put them away and was not at all worn out. That made me happy. Very happy. It is hard to judge just how strong I am here at home but that outing which was so different from a few months back when I last tried was great and gave me even more energy.
And so maybe the chemo is not going to leave me with any lasting effects which I've feared for sometime now.
This week I get the scan on Thursday but I won't see the Dr until next Tuesday. So I have that to look for.
I have to go out this morning for blood work since I'm still on the blood thinner. I have to stay on that for three months, well, actually only two more months now. And I'm looking forward to returning to work on the 24th of this month.
But thank goodness the depression left me and I once again feel hope for whatever happens.
It is cold here in the mornings and I can't seem to stay warm. But it warms up nicely during the day.
I got a jewelry catalog yesterday and there was a necklace in it that had a quote I liked and think it will be my new mantra, it said, "Don't worry about tomorrow because God is already there." I liked that. It works for me at the moment.
Hope you are all well, I have some catching up to do reading every one's blog. Thanks to all of you who've left me comments last week and this week.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

A Bad Few Days

I've had a couple of bad days. Not so much physically but mentally. Today I seem to be coming out of it somewhat and for that I am glad. Depression seems to be a side effect I experience too but this time it was pretty bad. It drags you down physically too and so I've been like a sack of potatoes, just sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I'm done with that. I cried myself a river and that helps I think.
And so today I'm going to try and get some things done around here and at some point I need to go grocery shopping. I feel stronger and I'm pretty sure I can handle that.
I cannot tell you how glad I will be for this to be over and for me to go back to work. I have too much time to think here, and work will help that.
That's about all that is going on in my world at the moment. Hoping you have a good weekend.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

What I Think

I can't help it, I cry when I see the pride and the awe in the elderly Black American citizens as they witness the fact that they lived to see a black president elect. Not that many years ago, black people couldn't vote. Not that many years ago, in a society that I can't fathom only I did live in, black people couldn't go into many public places. People gave their lives for civil rights, some gave blood, innocent children died and just because of the color of someones skin they weren't treated equally. NOT that long ago. How proud I am to live in a country that voted for who they thought would do the best job but if I were a black American how double proud I'd be walking today and how I pray with all my heart of our new President's safety for although we've come a long way in our country and are far removed from those barbaric times, there are still crazy people walking around.
We shall see what changes are to come and I hope he can accomplish great things. Its been a long time since we've had a president that accomplished great things. I'm hoping. And not too far off in the future maybe a woman will be added to that list of presidents. And I'm all for that!
Have a good day.

Note to Marge, all morning I've tried to leave a comment on your blog but it won't let me so if you read this I just wanted to say your daughter is in my prayers and so are you! Love you!

Monday, November 03, 2008

The Week to Come

I am glad this week not to have to be probed or stuck too much nor to have anything dripped into my body. I do have to go in tomorrow and have a blood test and get a flu shot but other than that I'm home free. Thank goodness.
My body and spirit needs this time to heal and regroup.
Wednesday is my mother's birthday and we will celebrate that with just supper and a cake and just us. She needs a little attention as for months now she has had to deal with me and my problems.
I am also glad the election will soon be over. For two years we've been listening to this and I'm ready for it to be over. So ready.
And that is about all I know for now. Hope your coming week is a good one.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Self Examination

It is obvious to anyone now that I have cancer, or that I am having Chemo. The cancer doesn't cause you to look this way. It is the cure that does this. You know the look, not just the hair loss. If you see someone wearing a hat that is obviously bald that is not a sure sign but I am at the point where the lashes are gone and there are circles under my eyes. Most of the time there is not much color to me, I am a ghost. My skin is dry and flaky and I look a little like an alien. My face is puffy, as are my hands. Yes, I now look like a Cancer patient. I stare at this strange person in the mirror. I wonder who she is. I don't see me there.
The way I look on the outside is not who I feel like and so each time I see myself it sort of shocks me.
I'm a little blue tonight. And I can't sleep. I went to sleep earlier, too early really and now I'm wide awake. I'm tired. I'm weary. I'll be ok. I'm tough you know. I search in the mirror beyond the puffy face, into my eyes. I search for a spark, a light, but even my eyes stare back at me empty. I don't like that. I need to see something in my eyes. I need to see a tiny piece of me left, that piece that has faith and hope and desire. And passion. But nothing is there. Where have I hidden that part of me? When will I be back and who will I be? And then I see something. It is compassion. Compassion to my own self. Compassion to all those who've walked this path before me and after me and with me. Those eyes, dark and lashless and empty show compassion to my own soul and others, for all the hurt and fear and unknowns. My Spirit is still right there if I stare long enough and then I smile and there is light there too.So I must remember to smile, keep smiling. And I know it will be alright.

My Experience

Well, that life port, the one that gave me lots of trouble from the start was to come out on Thursday. I was just so relieved to be able to get it out, I could have never dreamed that morning when I left home at six thirty what my next few days would be like.
The port came out but there was a part of it, a big chunk of it missing. So when the surgeon goes back in to find the rest of it, he couldn't find it. After an xray there it was in the heart chamber. Things got interesting and scary after that. I was not allowed to hardly move, I was rushed by ambulance to a bigger hospital about an hour away. They assured me that this had to be done sometimes and that the surgeon there had done it lots of times, making a lasso of sorts of some kind of tool and "fishing it out". Well, this is me we are talking about and it wasn't that easy. After three and a half hours in a freezing operating room on a skinny little table, they finally got it out. Just before they had to open my chest up and take it out. I was awake the whole time, I'm not sure why and it was the most horrible experience I've ever had in my life but I'm getting past it and going on and don't want to think about it much anymore. I am grateful they got it out, it was a very serious deal and the important thing is I survived thank goodness and lived to tell the story.
After I was released from the hospital and went to WALGREENS to have scrips filled my sweet nurse's voice that had stayed with me while I was still at the hospital here came up behind me and although I wouldn't have recognized her face, I'll never forget her voice. She hugged me and introduced me to her husband like this, "This is my patient I was telling you about yesterday honey." I never ever wanted to be a "patient that someone went home and told her husband about" but I was that day. I wish I could have taken her with me to the bigger hospital. At that place the nurses weren't nearly as caring and assuring as she had been to me.
And so that is it in a nutshell, there was a lot more to it but I'll spare you the gory details. I don't know why the thing came apart inside of me, I'm just glad it is out of me, ALL of it. And I thank God I am ok and survived it. CAN you believe this? It just goes on and on and on.
But, forward we go one more time.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

My Granddaughter

Lately I've not been able to show off my cute Granddaughter but Amy did a cute post that shows her from nearly every HALLOWEEN since her birth, go visit and see my cutie if you haven't already. Go visit here to see. The one above is her gift from me right after her soccer game.

Just in Case You Wondered

I had some complications with my surgery but I am ok, and have a story to tell, which I will in a few days, but in the meantime, if you missed me and was wondering, I am ok. Seems like life is playing a game with me to find out how much physically and emotionally I can take. So far, I'm still up one.
I'll be back soon to catch up on things. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts, I can assure you they work.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

A Memory

Last year this time I was busy and excited getting ready for my Mother's 70th surprise birthday party. And we surprised her for sure. It would also turn out to be the last time I had both my sons together, and I knew even then it was a gift but of course I didn't know just how much of a gift it really was, for her and for Matthew and myself.
You just never knew about Jonathan when it came to family affairs. If he showed up, which was mostly not, he'd mostly find something to get upset about and no matter how much we wanted him to know how loved he was and how special he was, he found a way to make the occasion a little uncomfortable.
Last November he didn't do that. He was happy to be there, he enjoyed his time with his brother and he made his grandmother very happy by handing her his dozen roses and wrapping her up in his big bear hug way he had of hugging you.
I held my breath that he would show up, even though he had promised me, that didn't always mean anything. But he came and after the party, that night when we came back to my house, just my sons and me, we had the best time talking about the party, discussing the guests, and being very proud of ourselves at how we'd pulled iit off.
I will forever have that memory, and for that I am grateful.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Not Much to Talk About

We're getting real winter in the next few days, which is a little early for us down here. Usually the poor kids are sweating in their Halloween costumes but not this year.
I'm feeling ok so far, I've lost my voice nearly again. That happened to me last time too and I stayed hoarse for a week or so. Just a side effect that is not too hard to deal with. Yesterday I stayed in all day and watched movies and slept.
On Wednesday I have an appointment with the surgeon who will take out the life port on Thursday if everything is ok. I'm ready to get that done with.
There's nothing much to write about when you just stay home and watch movies and sleep. I am so anxious to get back into life. And it feels good to know that the Chemo is over and I am closer to getting to do that.
And so that is about it for now. Hope you have a good Monday and a good week.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Just me Jabbering

I woke up to the news of Jennifer Hudson's mother and brother having been shot to death and her little nephew is missing. You know her, American Idol, Dream Girls and she's in the Secret Lives of Bees Movie right now. My heart goes out to her, I just can't imagine. Sad, sad, sad.
This year has not been the best year. I will always remember 2008 for sure.
I have my first usual side effect, a sore throat, but other than that I am feeling really good this morning. I even slept all night, sort of. I went to bed early, woke up at two and then slept in the recliner from about three to seven. Not bad since I'm on the steroids. I have two more days of them and hope I never have to take those little suckers ever again. They are also the culprits of the high blood sugar. But they help me from being sick, sick like hanging on the toilet sick and thank goodness I've not had that to deal with.
Yesterday we had a nice slow rain all day. No more rain today but I think it is going to be kind of balmy looking, at least it looks that way out there now.
My thoughts are with Tammy today as this is the day for the ALS Walk. She is actually going to walk too and I'm so proud of her and she's raised so far almost two thousand dollars which is awesome. I wish I could be there right beside her walking away. She's in California and I'm way down here. But my heart is there.
And so, that's about all I know for today. I hope your weekend is a good one.