Sunday, December 14, 2008

Exactly Why Is it That You Want to Move??

Forgive me for this post but that question has been swimming around in my head ever since it was put to me back during the summer. It was asked by my mother as we sat in a Doctor's office right after he had told me that I would need chemo. I was upset and I said aloud, "Looks like I'll never get to be where I want to be!" She and I, up until that moment had not talked directly to each other about me moving. She and my son had talked about it, and she'd told him she felt like I was desserting her . She had talked with other people about it and to them pretended to be so supporting of the move, but up until that very moment we'd not discussed it at all. And then to have it asked like that to me, I was shocked. Why indeed? I couldn't believe I had to even explain why.
My grandchild is there. She will be eight years old the day after Christmas. I have seen her only maybe twice a year since she was two. The only person I had left in the world that could call me Mama is there. Jonathan was always in favor of me moving there and after his death, I just knew I had to. I am so alone here. Sure, I am here when my mother's computer breaks down, I am here to add a third chair to their table at holidays. But I am not a part of their lives really. And they don't need me at all. They are healthy, and have each other. I have lived my whole 51 years within 60 miles of where my mother lives. Mostly I have lived on her land. We once, Matthew and I, asked them if I could buy my little piece of land, so I'd at least have something that was mine, but they would not sell it to me.
I understood Jonathan, he was the child most like me, only the feelings and pain that come from deep inside, I learned to handle years ago. Jonathan never learned that. Matthew is the child of my heart. It is hard to explain to someone who has not had that experience with another human being how that works. We can finish each other's sentences. We both have a lot of respect for each other's opinions, even when they differ. We share together the whole Jonathan experience in a way no other people did. We knew the "real" Jonathan. Jonathan almost made me have a nervous breakdown when he was a teenager and Matthew saved me. Even at thirteen he had the calmness, the stability that I needed. He is the one person in this world that accepts me unconditionally and allows me to be me without making me feel that is a bad thing.
Why exactly do I want to move to Washington? If I have to explain that to my mother, I suppose she'd not understand it anyway. AND that breaks my heart. But it doesn't surprise me at all.

9 comments:

linda said...

robbin, I wondered about this but said nothing, knowing you might say something when the time came...and now, it's here and it looms it's, can we say it? ugly head....dear woman, you have been through much and have the rest of your life, the second half to go...keep moving forward, not looking backward...

your granddaughter and her dad are where you need to be...have no doubts and reassure mom she can always visit as you will visit her.... you can do anything....this is a snap after what you've been through!! remember always how brave you are and move forward in that knowledge and remember, you are doing what is best for you, your family and your heart.

The_Gertster said...

Robbin, we have been together for 13 years,,,,and I love ya! We have been Best Friends all this time and it is a rare relationship,,,,not everyone has that ONE Special Friend in their life! But I am happy for you to move! It is for the BEST! You have to do what YOU have to do! and as ALWAYS, I wish you nothing but the best! and hey, we'll always have the computer to keep in touch!! =o)
Steph

Marge said...

Please don't second guess your plan to move. You need to go. For your grandaughter, for your son, and for you. Don't look back.....just go! In this day of fast planes, computers, cell phones, etc, you can stay in daily, if not hourly, contact with people, and you can be at your mom's side in hours if need be. Until then, you need to take care of Robbin.

And don't forget that you are going to have a packing party. You furnish the coffee and goodies, and all your blogging friends can come and pack up for you! Wouldn't that be great if we could do that?

Stay warm.....we're kind of in a winter storm watch/warning for the rest of the day. We'll wait and see what happens.

Mary Timme said...

What I want is what I want. It was something I'd hear my mother say a lot. In her life no one else came before her and her needs. wow! She's been dead for years and still has the power to irritate me.

To be somewhere else is not a bad thing nor a good thing. If Washington is where you want to go, more power to you!

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Don't worry everyone, I'm not questioning my decision, just preparing myself for my mother's way of handling it, which will be to make me feel as guilty as possible, but there comes a time when you have to follow your heart. This is one of those times.

amy said...

Yep, this is one of those times! And don't forget about me! I would like for you to be closer, too! :-)

Brandi said...

just sending support and understanding.

it can be so difficult to shake our families reactions and reasons and do it anyway. It's a decision that makes us happy-yet we don't live in a vacuum and we'd like those we love to be happy for it as well.

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

How could I ever forget about you Amy? You're part of the package and I didn't mean to leave you out!

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Hi Brandi, it can get dicey for sure but it will all work out. Glad to see you over here!