Forgive me for this post but that question has been swimming around in my head ever since it was put to me back during the summer. It was asked by my mother as we sat in a Doctor's office right after he had told me that I would need chemo. I was upset and I said aloud, "Looks like I'll never get to be where I want to be!" She and I, up until that moment had not talked directly to each other about me moving. She and my son had talked about it, and she'd told him she felt like I was desserting her . She had talked with other people about it and to them pretended to be so supporting of the move, but up until that very moment we'd not discussed it at all. And then to have it asked like that to me, I was shocked. Why indeed? I couldn't believe I had to even explain why.
My grandchild is there. She will be eight years old the day after Christmas. I have seen her only maybe twice a year since she was two. The only person I had left in the world that could call me Mama is there. Jonathan was always in favor of me moving there and after his death, I just knew I had to. I am so alone here. Sure, I am here when my mother's computer breaks down, I am here to add a third chair to their table at holidays. But I am not a part of their lives really. And they don't need me at all. They are healthy, and have each other. I have lived my whole 51 years within 60 miles of where my mother lives. Mostly I have lived on her land. We once, Matthew and I, asked them if I could buy my little piece of land, so I'd at least have something that was mine, but they would not sell it to me.
I understood Jonathan, he was the child most like me, only the feelings and pain that come from deep inside, I learned to handle years ago. Jonathan never learned that. Matthew is the child of my heart. It is hard to explain to someone who has not had that experience with another human being how that works. We can finish each other's sentences. We both have a lot of respect for each other's opinions, even when they differ. We share together the whole Jonathan experience in a way no other people did. We knew the "real" Jonathan. Jonathan almost made me have a nervous breakdown when he was a teenager and Matthew saved me. Even at thirteen he had the calmness, the stability that I needed. He is the one person in this world that accepts me unconditionally and allows me to be me without making me feel that is a bad thing.
Why exactly do I want to move to Washington? If I have to explain that to my mother, I suppose she'd not understand it anyway. AND that breaks my heart. But it doesn't surprise me at all.