Tuesday, December 30, 2008

A Very Personal Vent

As we age I guess we all develop habits that may irritate members of our family. And I'm sure what I'm about to share about my own mother is an age thing. I pray for understanding of this and hope not to snap at her every time she does it, it is really petty in the big scheme of things but sometimes it can be hurtful. Who knows what I'll do when I'm 71 that will drive Matthew crazy.
It started getting bad I guess a couple of years back. She and I would have a conversation about something and I'd state my opinion and then a couple of days later she'd say, John (my stepfather) says and then she'll repeat verbatim what I'd said a few days before. At first I'd ignore it, but after it happened a few times I'd say, "Mama, I said that." She quickly snap "Well John said it too!" Alrighty then. No big deal I guess if she wants to discount what I say and give her husband credit for it.
The really hurtful one came the other night though. A few weeks ago I shared with her a moment I'd had with Jonathan. He'd come to me and asked me why he couldn't just be normal, why he couldn't have a relationship, keep a job, manage his life. It breaks my heart every time I think of his questions. It hurts my heart that he was so lost and I couldn't help him. Well, the other night we were talking about him and sure enough she starts telling my story to me only it was her he'd gone to. I stopped her and said, "Mama, he came to me, I just told you this the other day." Quick as lightening she responded, "He came to me too!"
Perhaps he did go to her with the same questions, he was searching for answers but I doubt very seriously her answer to him was the same as mine. I reminded him what the last therapist had told him, that "normal" was just a setting on a dryer. I told him that I loved him the way he was and he would get it together one day. That was exactly what my mother said she told him.
I'm not sure why she does this and I've no doubt she doesn't do it intentionally, I just wish she'd admit to me when she does do it that she remembers our previous conversation, but she won't do that.
Ok, I'm done venting now. I am lucky to still have my mother in my life and without her with me during my last few months I don't know what I would have done. She is in good health but this habit of hers really gets to me sometimes. I try to understand it and not let it get to me, but it was hard to let that one slide off my back.
The mother/daughter dance is not an easy one sometimes.


Marge said...

Yes, you are lucky to still have your mom. I miss my mom so much, but she was 86, much older than your mom.

Do you think maybe she values your words so much that she takes them on as her own? Just a thought.... maybe she thinks you are so smart that she wants those words to be hers. But that wouldn't explain giving those words to your stepfather. I'm sure it must be frustrating, but you know you said it, not one of them, so I guess it doesn't really matter.

Just enjoy her for a long as you have her. And remember, you are packing up and leaving town! SOON!

I'm feeling better and packing up.. if we get ready we'll leave tomorrow, if not, we'll leave when we get ready!

Love ya,

amy said...

It is a fact that once you get here, this won't happen as much, simply because you won't be having as many daily conversations with her. This doesn't help the fact that it is happening now, though, and I wish I had wise wonderful words to share and make it all better. I think now is only the time to put on your "blinders" and ignore the obnoxious things, focus on the helpful things, knowing that all those "things" are going to be changing very soon - or at least your proximity to them.

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Marge, I've never understood my relationship with my mother, she seems to want to compete with me and who knows! As long as I think like she does or does what she things I am a good daughter, when I do things she wouldn't do, I get the cold shoulder. She's complicated.
And yep, I am leaving, I wish with her blessings but it won't be like that and I just have to be strong.
I know you are so excited about your trip. Can't wait to hear all about it.

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

I know Amy, it is really petty and I shouldn't dwell on it. I just don't get her and never will and she will never get me either. That is a fact.

Robbin with 2 B's! said...
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