This is when the memories flood for me, still a little in disbelief, still instead of his death being my first thought it is that Hope I wished silently for him each day when he was alive. And then it only takes a few seconds for my mind to shift to the reality. But each day, each morning is a little better. The pain is still there but I guess maybe I'm beginning the stage of acceptance.
But I still am fighting accepting acceptance. And I question myself, and the people around me who tell me I need to, and God, and the Universe why I have to? Nobody should have to live longer than their own child. Nobody should have to plan a Memorial Service for their child. IT's unnatural and it is just not right! But those thoughts just cause me to hit a brick wall hard and I know that things happen every second of the day that aren't right. Because it is what it is and nobody can change it or fix it or make it better.
And then I remember what I have still, beautiful litte granddaughters, my mother in excellent health at 70, and that other son of mine. MY rock, the one who sometimes got taken for granted because of what an easy child he was to raise and so much attention his whole life was put on Jonathan because he demanded it and needed it but it was never enough. And Matthew never complained about that. He loved Jonathan too and wanted for him what all of us wanted, for him to be ok. Dear Matthew, who held me up through this all, who has comforted me and calmed me each time things got rough with Jonathan. He, who took Jonathan into his own family twice, trying to help. He's been wanting me to be near them there in Washington and for three years I've tried to decide if that was a good decision for me and when I finally decided it was and that's what I would do, my cancer thing happened and has delayed it. But I'll get there, for there is no doubt now that I NEED to be there and I want to be there.
And oh how his brother loved him. In an email he'd written recently to the mother of Kammy Jonathan described him as such an amazing person. He was so proud of his little brother and so am I. He's the only person left in this world that can call me Mama now. And he IS an amazing person. Both of my sons are, it's just that Jonathan never realized it for himself. But I hope he knows now. And so, I'm working on this acceptance thing. I know it is a step I have to take. And though it feels like it just isn't right , I guess it is right in the scheme of things and if you believe things happens just as they are suppose to as I do or did, even though we don't understand, it is right. But that doesn't mean I have to LIKE it.