I named Jonathan when I was 14 years old. Of course he didn't actually make his appearance into this world until I was barely 20, but I knew without a doubt that my firstborn would be a boy. For years I thought I'd name him Jonathan Terrence.(What a name, not sure what I was thinking but I was only 14, remember. )
When I married a man with a long weird last name and Jonathan was actually born, I knew I couldn't possibly put such a long name on a child, he'd never learn to spell it I thought and so I stayed with Jonathan and added Lee (his father's middle name) instead of Terrence
And then for some odd reason I decided we'd call him LEE. And we did for about three days but it never felt right and so I declared he would be forever Jonathan. We never called him Jon or anything else in our family. Sometime during the time between his death and the memorial, or maybe after the service and there were so many people at our house, I heard someone, one of his friends say how much he hated the way his name was spelled and that he often called himself JO Nathan. (actually his grandmother called him that sometimes affectionately) but when I heard her say this it stung me to the bone. His name was the first gift I ever gave him and although I could have spelled it JOHNATHAN, as I've seen it spelled, that was not the way I wanted to spell it.
I, also at 14, just knew that my second child would be a girl. And I had her name picked out too. She would be Starla Amber. At the time I was pregnant with this second child I was reading a novel and the main character was Carrie. And at the very last moment I decided I loved the name Carrie and so my daughter would have that name.
Well, so much for my intuitiveness about the sex of my second child, and although I could have named him Cary, that was not right. I had not even thought of another boy name and then it came to me. (Their father had nothing to do with naming these children and I'm afraid that was not because he didn't want to have a say so but I'd been through the pregnancies, I'd went through labor, and I was determined I was going to name them!) The name Matthew came to me just as I was about to have to leave the hospital. I never called him anything but Matthew but of course others know him as Matt.
Anyway, I was just remembering that remark about Jonathan not liking the way his name was spelled and thinking how I never knew that. I'm sure there was a lot about Jonathan I didn't know, things his friends knew, or the person he was to them. Some of them that knew him only saw the side of him he wanted them to see. Those of us who were closest to him, who he loved saw all sides, the whole of him. Sometimes it was not pretty, and sometimes he was the most precious person you'd want to be around. But really that is the way we all are.
There are still places I've yet to let my mind go concerning him and before I am truly healed,(well as healed an I can be) I know I'll have to face those things. My mind dances around how he must have felt right before he made the decision he made. But as his mother, I can't go there yet. So, I dismiss those thoughts immediately. There are thoughts I have about the hell he gave us when he was a teen but I can't go there yet either. One thing people always say is "Remember the good times", but I don't want to just remember the good times. He was who he was, the bad times included, and believe me there were very bad times that I need to rethink , but even those moments were a part of his life and I want to remember them too.
I believe there are lessons to be learned there and wisdom that I lacked so much then. I've got 20/20 hindsight about some of those times now. I might have gained wisdom that one day might help someone else or at least help me realize that I did the best I could. I think. How do you know if a child's behavior is just odd teenager rebellion or if there is more going on there? I know now without doubt, he was not just a normal teenager.
And so these are just thoughts I've been greeted with this early Saturday morning. Today ends my first week at work, I'm off tomorrow. It has been an interesting week for me to say the least.
Can't wait to see what awaits me next week. OH wait, I can wait, I have to go back to that Doctor on Tuesday. YUK!