Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Grief

I needed to get out of my house today, and it is so hot and you can't enjoy being outside but I did need to do some shopping. Eating is hard these days, I have not much of an appetite and I keep trying to at least get the right amount of protein and veggies and such. I will admit for the last day or two I've lived off Kashi cereal and popcorn. SO it was time to shop.

MY mother had to go to town too so we went together.


She had to make a stop at the bank. I wait in the car. They are remodeling her bank and there are workers all around. I see a young man probably about Jonathan's age with his work belt on and hot and sweaty from this heat. This is the kind of work Jonathan did, what he must have looked like on job sites.


And then we had to make a stop at a person's house she knows to drop off something. I sat in the car. Looking around there is a sandbox with a number of little trucks and tractors -memories of my own two little boys and how our yard looked when they were little flooded my mind.


I looked around and saw a boat that was painted camouflage, Jonathan often wore camouflage pants, or cut offs. And as a little boy he hunted with his grandfather and we have tons of pictures with him in camouflage.


I look away. I spot a picnic table. Back in the fall of 2006, during one of the times he was getting therapy, he and I had went out to the river here and sat for hours on a picnic table and talked and talked, that was the first time he and his wife separated.


I go to the grocery store and notice things I'd buy for him that I knew he loved when he was living with me last spring.


I come around an aisle and there is my mother talking to someone that is hugging her neck and my mother is crying. I turn and go the other way.


I guess this part will get better, but it sure is hard right now. It's not that I don't want to think about him but there's no relief in that thought, that one thought that pops in your head when you see these things, "He is gone forever". My mind knows it for sure. But my heart is hanging on for dear life, and it hurts with every beat. Pure, raw grief.


8 comments:

Sage said...

I would like to give you a hug. I can not imagine the pain you are feeling right now. But I know you will have to go throgh these different stages of grief before you will begin to heal. Until such time, I pray God will give you the strength to keep on keeping on. And I send lots of hugs.

Blessings, thoughts and prayers,
Marge

Sage said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Thank you Marge. I hope you are ok and my prayers are with you too, my new friend.

Mary said...

Loss is hard, acceptance is near impossible, healing takes time - a long, long time. I wish I had words to adequately express how truly sorry I am for your loss.

Aisling said...

Robbin, When my grandfather died, I had the thought that when someone is alive they are very seperate from you. When they pass on, they live on through you and become even more a part of you - in your memories of them, in your stories about them, in little tiny daily events that remind you of them.

I'm amazed by your strength in these hardest of days.

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Hi Mary, I'm glad to see you here. You see I've been reading you for quite some time. I thank you so much for your words, and no there are no words, and I feel sorry for the people who have no idea what to say to me, because I don't know what they could say to me, really all that matters is that they care and that means everything in the world.

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Aisling, trust me, I have my moments. But I'm hanging in there. ANd I'll be alright. I hope, lol.

linda said...

the tonka truck brought me to tears ... so long ago, two little boys, ages ago..

you are in my thoughts and prayers....