Thursday, June 12, 2008

Looking Back

Back in the fall of September 2006 and up until around Febuary of 2007, Jonathan and I got to spend a lot of time together. His wife had left him. They were, at the time living here in my town. He was at that time mad with me, as he often was when he was living with his wife. I'm not sure why, and its complicated but because of his illness he blamed at one time or the other every one of our familymembers for all his problems. But he blamed me the most. He had been out of work for quite some time and so very deeply depressed but he wouldn't have much to do with me and his wife was ill equiped to handle it and so she left him. We didn't know anything about it until three days later she called my parents and told them she'd left and she was worried because he had a pistol in the house.
Anyway, to make a long story short, we got him out of the house they were renting, I'm sure they were close to being evicted and he was in pretty bad shape. We rented him an appartment and signed a six week lease and he agreed he needed help. He did stay there for five of the six months and I spent a lot of time with him. It was really a gift for us both. He got to really find out who I was through his eyes, not someone elses and he had a lot of questions about things that happened in his childhood that he'd made more than they were. We spoke about his father, we spoke of the complicated relationship between myself and my mother and he got on meds and met with people every week for a while for help.
It was during this time that he reached reality again about things he'd imagined and for a while he was doing very good. And then the divorce papers came and it crushed him. And from then on the campaign was on, to get her to take him back. Even though we'd discussed that the two of them just weren't good for each other.
I mentioned to someone how everyday when I woke up I had hope for him. And now that he is gone I don't quite know what to do with that HOPE.
Anyway, I blogged about him in early 2007, and if you're interested here's the link.
I so wanted him to be happy, and I never lost hope.


Memaw's memories said...

I can't possibly imagine what you are going through. I know you love both your sons.

I diagnosed my son as ADHD back when little was known about it.(I made my diagnosis from an episode of Phil Donahue). I tried to get help through the school, with no luck. And my dad basically told me if I took him to a phychiatrist, he'd disown me. My son finally dropped out of school and appeared to be headed for trouble.

Fortunately, he found a young woman who got him on the right road and he is doing very well.

It's hard when you know something is wrong, but you can't seem to do anything about it. It's such a feeling of helplessness.

After all, we promised these babies we'd always be there to help them, and then they grow up, and there's nothing we can do, but HOPE things get better.

I know you did the best you could, and you have to be content with that knowledge, otherwise, you would drive yourself crazy.

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Hi Shirley,
I'm so glad your son was lucky enough to find someone who could help him in a positive way. And YES, a mother is suppose to protect her child, it's our instinct, it's what we know to do.
And I know it's useless to keep thinking I should have done more, what if this, what if that, maybe if I'd said that, but it gets me nowhere.
I have to accept he made this decision and he just was tired of fighting and he put up a good fight for sure.
THe last words in the Eulogy that his brother gave were, "He was the bravest person I've ever known, and I love him".
Matthew also had something to say about what a lady's man he was and I'll blog on that soon.