Wednesday, July 09, 2008

As badly as I hated to...

I started the process of going on another leave of absence of work today. Going back to work just two weeks ago saved my life I think. It gave me purpose, I even welcomed problems from customers to research and solve, it gave me great pleasure to have something to work on that didn't involve my own problems.
The Chemo Dude told me right off I wouldn't need to work. I told him I could do it. He told me I could not. I told him I wanted to try, and I told him I was tough! And he told me that he didn't doubt that but my body needed every opportunity it could get to stay away from crowds of people, to rest when I needed to and that stress of any kind in a job would only hinder the treatment. I left that day thinking, I'll show him!
But then I thought about it and realized, I am lucky enough to have a job where I have disability insurance that pays really well, and this will probably go into long term too which I have and what was I trying to prove anyway? I'm no superwoman or hero, I was just really hating to give up the purpose that work was giving me. I love that store, it is my baby, I've worked so hard for us to have a good reputation and I've got good people whom I've tried to train to run the store like I want it run. It just is hard when we are a person short, so my boss is thinking of letting them hire a temporary part-time person to take some of the pressure off. They all have vacation time coming and well, I just have to trust they an handle it and they can get an extra body to work.
After Jonathan died I dreaded so badly going back to work but it turned out to be so good for me. I felt good, it was nice to be around my associates and customers again. And so now here I am again. But it is for the best.
I guess.
After feeling so good today, I wonder if I could have done it, but then there are still those germs around that I might catch. So, oh well. Looks like all of this is pretty much going to take a year out of my life. But I can handle that too.
I've worked all my life, since I was 15. It's not easy to just find yourself not working. But at least I'm drawing money. And at least I have health very good health insurance.
So, guess I'll blog away and try to make plans to have lunch with friends and family and get out some. The weather is hot so I can't really go outside much. Oh and A big thing while on this treatment is not to get sun burned, not even just a little. So great. I thought of going swimming a few times a week but I guess not. I burn easy anyway.
Also the beach would be out.
But I'll figure something out. Maybe I'll write an all American Novel. Maybe I'll get back into jewelry making and try to go out and sale some.
Maybe, just maybe I won't go stir crazy. But if I do, you guys will be the first to know.
It is two o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep. I'm taking a med that is steroid bases and the Chemo Nurse warned me it may cause me not to sleep. So, I'm not sleeping. I'm rambling here.
This could be one of those posts you may just need to skip.
And why in the world am I complaining? I had a non sick day today. How good is that?
Ok, I'm done rambling now.
I think.

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