The pattern of my experience so far, this week has been this. I wake up feeling great. That first cup of coffee only helps. My mind is clear, my spirits are high and I am so thankful that so far my body is handling things this well. I do some things that I must be done, in ways of housework and such, I learned early this is not the time to take on any big projects. I usually can't eat breakfast for at least a few hours but I do eat usually cereal or something like that and then as the day progresses I try to take a few walks, very short ones, in the cool of the morning, and in the late, late afternoon. Around eight o'clock in the evening I get what this week has become a familiar feeling of heaviness. It's not that I feel weak, or even tired. Those are not the right words. It's that all of a sudden, my neck feels like it can't hold my head up. And my shoulders feel the strain from my neck and head, and my torso feels the strain, well you get the picture. I feel like I can move only in slow motion. Sitting down doesn't help, lying down doesn't help. I am usually not sleepy at this point, but sleep does help, and so I usually just go to bed and do sleep and the next morning I wake up without the feeling.
Considering how badly I could feel, and what a bad time some people do indeed have, this is a small price to pay. I wish so badly everyone that goes through Chemo could get through the first one like this. I really wish nobody ever had to get Cancer at all. But the truth is they do, even little children and when I think of that it really breaks my heart.
Although I know there have been great strides made in Cancer Research I'm beginning to understand there is still so much the Doctors and Scientists do not know. Sometimes treatment is a shot in the dark, a guessing game, sometimes the treatment is worse than the disease.. it is unpredictable and I was told from the beginning when you have cancer you are always a cancer patient, always! Even if you are at some point considered Cancer Free. IT plagues you forever, there's always that chance it will show up again, somewhere, anywhere. That's a lot to have to face.
I don't spend any specific amount of time thinking about all of this. My focus for now is to get through this and to go on with the next part of my life living where and around the people that I need the most and that need me. I've no doubt that will happen. The road there will not be easy but seldom are the best things in life so easy to get to.
The lessons I'm learning here with all of this, including the heartbreak of losing a child, are lessons that will help guide me through the rest of the journey. There are people that have come into my life because of this that I will cherish forever. I have insight on things that I may have never had, had this not happened to me. Am I glad I had to go through this? NO! Am I scared of what lies ahead? Yes. Would I trade places with anyone else in the world? NO, I wouldn't because this is Me, the same Me I've known all my life. I'm a work in progress and I'm not done yet.
So onward I travel, and somehow, somewhere along the way, it is my hope, my dream, my desire to be of service to someone else. If this opportunity allows me to indeed learn lessons that others before me have learned, I want to be able to share the knowledge. Every time one of us reaches out to someone else the world becomes a better place. Every single little tiny bit of kindness shown, be in tiny or monumental makes a difference. The world is altered, it becomes the world it is meant to be. This I know for sure. We need each other. Plain and simple.