Well, I took such a long time off from blogging, I'm not sure I still know how. Oh, well, I'll try. Writing has always helped me sort through things and that's what the blog does for me. I wasn't sure I'd blog again, and who knows, maybe I won't for a while after this one but I feel the need to write so here goes.
I'm so confused. Of course I've been confused most of my life but this confusion came to me quite unexpectedly and I can't seem to get over it. It bothers me. They say time heals all things but I am not sure I buy that.
People told me all the time how strong I was to get through that terrible year of 2008 but I did not come from it unscathed. And the question is, the big question I have is this, am I shutting myself down or can I not help it? Who is this person that looks like me but doesn't think like the old me or feel like the old me? Will I never be who I was and if not, who am I?
Ok, ok, I'll explain in more details.
NOTHING excited me, makes my heart go thump thump, makes me feel so happy I could burst. Sometimes I get close. Like back last winter when we saw the big gray whale right here. I almost get excited when I go to Seattle, I love the city and all the noises and people and all that is going on there but still, almost it gets me going, but not quite. I just need to FEEL! And there is the question, am I deliberately making myself not FEEL?
And I'm not sure my brain works like it used to. I seem to not ever be really thinking about things. I mean I am functioning. I do the things you do, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, shopping for clothes and other things one needs. But I don't think much deeper.
I'm not sure what is going on with me.