What do I want?

Umm, that is the question here. A few years back, seven to be exact, when I moved back here, I thought this is what I wanted but now I'm restless, needing a change.
And I've noticed before that every seven years it seems change comes into my life, not always initiated, most of the time because I'm forced. So is that the reason I feel like I need a change? If indeed my life is in cycles of seven years what does that mean? At this point I feel like I'd like to pick up my life and throw it up in the air and see where the pieces fall and go from there. That's risky though because the things I'm happy with now would be scattered too and what if I couldn't recover them?
I guess I'm restless, anticipating change and maybe wanting to make a change before it comes on its own. Who knows! But the question is , Am I brave enough to make changes. And if so, what part do I want to change?
Thoughts to be pondered for today.
Off to work.

Breaking my Silence

Rough few weeks at work. This week has been extremely rough as one of my associates is on Vacation, another is dealing with a husband who at the age of 44 has had several mini strokes and they are still trying to determine the reason for that. Plus I am feeling poorly myself, afraid I'm working on kidney stones. I had a bout with those awful things when I was in my early twenties and the pain, though not as severe as I know it can get, is the same. I am having to work though since two girls are out and being the manager of the store, it falls to me. I drinking, drinking, and drinking some more. Mostly water and cranberry juice. Hopefully I can flush my kidneys out! Ok, enough said about that!!
If you want to take a look at my jewelry(and you know who you are) go here I've not been able to work on that much lately but I feel the urge. Making jewelry relaxes me greatly and I'm in need of that.
So, that is all I know for now. Really soon I hope to have time to blog more and with a little deeper thoughts. Right now I'm just trying to survive day by day.
So check back, I'm still here.

Very Quite and Very Hot

It's been very quite this week within the blog world, or at least the ones I frequent. And I can't complain as I've been very quite on mine as well but it is so darned hot!! When it gets to the point where the days are around 100 degrees and the nights hardly cool off below 90, it drains your mind. I had two completely unproductive days off, I slept a lot and made a little jewelry and watched three movies and that was about it, but I need to rest so I'm ready to face a day at work.
The rest of the summer looks bleak as I have no plans and no vacation time until the fall and so.......to work and home.
One interesting thing is that my mother on her vacation bought a book at a flea market called The Ladies From Covingon send their Love. It was written by an author called Joan Medlicott. It tickled my mom because it was about three older ladies, about her age, that left Pennsylvania and moved to North Carolina. That happened to be the same journey they were taking on their vacation (my mother and stepfather) so it grabbed her attention on a few different levels. When she got home she told me about it and told me there was a sequel which we'd have to find. I got on Amazon and ordered her not one, but six more of the Ladies' adventures. My mother has fallen in love with these books and so I found Mrs. Medlicott's e-mail and emailed her. She wrote me right back, a nice email too and I forwared the e-mails, I actually got three of them, to my Mom so that made her happy. It was nice, I've written authors before and gotten no response.
And so.......for now that's all I know.
Off to work now.

Needing a day Off

In order to take my vacation as unplanned as it was, I had to go right back to work without a break from my vacation. And so today was my sixth day straight and I'm in bad need of a day off. It will come on Thursday. In fact I have two days off in a row and I'm needing that!
I had a pretty pleasant day today. Funny how our customer's attitudes and actions go in cycles. During the course of one month we seem to have a week in which everyone is happy and pleasant and they freely spend money. And then we have a week, somewhere around the full moon, in which people are nuts! Not bad nuts, just sort of goofy, a little strange, but not mean. And then we have a week in which people are MEAN. We can't do anything right, nobody can see out of their glasses, our prices are too high, they are mad before they get to us and take it out on us. It is a hard week. And then the other week we sort of get a break and we just don't have that much bussiness but they call on the phone instead of coming in. "My glasses are broken, can you fix them?"
or....."I need glasses, do I need to come in for an exam?" DAHHHHHHH! Oh well. Just part of it. Today all my customers told me how nice and sweet I was and I even got a hug from a grateful lady just traveling thru and I was able to fix her broken frames. TOMMORROW it could be a whole different story. Tommorrow they may HATE me. But I can take it, whatever. I'm tough!

My Whale Dream

I'm back from my vacation and have to go to work today, regrettably. I had such a perfect vacation and magical as well. My Dream to see Orcas came true but in a much unexpected way than what I thought. First of all it was wonderful to surprise my son and to have spent the week with him and his family was wonderful. My granddaughter and I had a ball and I miss them all so much already.
Now, about the whales. We took an all day boat trip and saw the Orcas and although they were beautiful to me, it wasn't at all like I expected. I wanted forever to see them in their own enviroment out in the ocean and that I did but because it WAS a whale tour that guarunteed you saw them, that's what happened, us and about twenty other tour boats and numerous private boats that circled them and got way too close. What happened was that it felt like a three ring circus and I don't know how the orcas felt but I felt like they were trapped! I felt guilty being a part of it. My feelings surprised me more than anything, I mean I don't know what I expected. The scenery was beautiful and the trip was excellent but I just wasn't as excited as I thought I'd be seeing those beautiful animals.
I hated to say these thoughts because the people who had arranged for me to see them would have been upset I thought but after a day or so of trying to figure out my exact thoughts on the experience I finally vocalized my feelings. And because these people love me and understand me they got it. Now, all that said, here's what happened. The next day my DIL and Granddaughter went to a favorite place of her's called Point No Point. It was a small picnic area and a beach and it was a perfect day. Seeing whales was not expected or even thought about but that's just what happened......Passing through, closer than the boat tour came to them, there they come, naturally and unexpected and let me tell you it was MAGICAL. I will never forget it and it was the best experience I've ever had! So......my dream came true better than I ever thought.
It was amazing!

Taking Out A Dream

Though I've not revealed in my writings all the dreams that I've quitely tucked away in My Cedar Chest, next week I may get to take one of them out and use it up. It is a dream I've had since I was about eleven or so and it's a dream that many people have but one I have doubted sometimes that I'd ever get to experience.
The Dream is to see a real life Orca in his enviroment. I can't begin to tell you how emotional this is going to make me and how scared I am that if I do see one, I'll burst out in tears! Last summer I saw wild dolphins and that's what they made me do. I wasn't prepared for that because although I love the dolphins it is indeed the Orca that I am nuts about.
And so, keep your fingers crossed for me on Friday, because that will be the big day. I am so excited, I can' t stand it. I have two days this week at work to get overwith before I go on Vacation~
Feel like a kid waiting for Christmas~

SURPRISE!

My youngest son, now 26 has always been the calmest human being I've ever know. His blood pressure is always below normal, (that's normal for him) and I've never seen him really excited or surprised about anything. That's not to say I've never seen him happy, he is in fact happy most of the time. His gift to adapt I guess is what I admire about him and always have. If plans fail some people (including myself) can become agitated but not Matthew. He starts planning another way. Any stress, disapointment, unhappiness, is very short lived with him as he moves forward.
That said, My daughter in law has tried several times to surprise him on birthdays, anniversities, and other things without success. He is always so aware of what is going on in his world that it's hard to pull anything over on him and his brain is quick to store things that seem out of the ordinary. After serving in the Navy for eight years he is out now and has taken a job with the police department. In a few weeks he has to go to the Academy and will do that for four or five months. Since I live three thousand miles away, I try to get up there at least once a year but circumstances concerning my other son and my job prevented me from doing that this spring. So.......my DIL calls me and asks me how possible it would be for me to come up with hardly any notice, during July the 4th and surprise him. At first I told her I just didn't see how I could do it but I'd check my work schedule and let her know. (I'm usually not one to do things on last minute notice, so I was doubtful I would do this, although I did so want to see him and his family.) Well, after that, it took on a life of it's own, and TADA! I'm leaving EARLY Wednesday morning on my journey. SURPRISE!! I hope we can pull it off because my DIL and me sure want to know how Matthew looks suprised! I'm very excited and am furiously doing laundry and packing today as I have to work up until the day I leave.

A Dream of my Son's come true

Living in Seattle for the last five years hasn't changed the fact that my son is die hard Georgia Bulldog Fan. He and his family are about to adopt a little English Bulldog, a dream of his for a long time. He's not quite ready for them to bring home but they visit often. A few more weeks with his Mama and then he gets to join them. Couldn't resist showing this pic they shared with me. So cute. His name is Ozzy.

A New Day

Ok, I should have known, before the night ended I got an appolgy. Maybe I am a big part of his life if not the most important thing. I can live with that, can't I?
Yep. I can. I'm a woman and that's the way most of us are. I admire the women who aren't.
Ok, off of that for now. This morning I had to stop off at the mailbox on the road in front of my place on my way to work, to mail something. And behind the box are woods, fenced off and part of the people across the street's property. Down the fence row came walking side by side two donkeys. Not what I expected to see first thing in the morning, but there they were and since my window was down and they stopped to stare at me I felt obliged to say, "Morning". And that fact alone convinces me I'm way past needing a vacation. And how was your day?

Hurt Hurts

You know when you have a certain person in your life and you know he'd never intentionally do anything to hurt your feelings or to make you feel bad? And you know when that happens, I mean when he Does hurt your feelings? And somewhere in your heart, even though you hid the fact well that he hurt you, you think he'll realize it and mention it and apologize because he's done that before, even when you hid it well that time too. Well, that's where I am tonight. And maybe I'm expecting too much,and maybe he's not as sensitive to my feelings anymore and if he's not, exactly what does that mean?
Sometimes maybe you just need a good cry and sometimes you have to face the fact that maybe, just maybe, you'll never be number one in his life, even though he is number one in yours. And if you're really honest with yourself, you'll admit that you've always known but you chose to ignore it. And isn't that just the way life goes?

A Bracelet I made this morning. It's Swarvoski Pearls and Crystals. Not sure I like it.

Dreaming again

Goodness! I've not blogged in a long time. Busy at work. Maybe it's the heat but people have been so hard to deal with. Seems they are mad when they come into our office and we are the perfect beating blocks I guess. It's like they all come in the same days too. I mean can't we have the nutty people spread out or something? Somebody opens the gate and says, "OK, all the mean and difficult people are allowed out this week" But in this case seems like they've been out all month. Maybe it's just me as I get older, or maybe it's this almost menopause stage I'm at in my life that I have not the patience I used to have. Whatever it's harder and harder at my job. But at least we are busy and they are spending money though with grudge, at least our sales are up for now and I hope they stay that way.
Anyway, I shall survive as I always manage to. But today I'm putting this dream in my Cedar Chest. I put the dream of not having to work anymore. I've worked since I was fifteen pretty much constantly. My dream is to have enough money not to have to work, to be able to make jewelry, read, travel, help others in whatever way I could , to be independent and not ever have to kiss someone's butt because I can't lose their business. Ah..........that would be nice.

Slip of words!

I just re-read my last post and I said there was won game, when it should have been one. LOL, wishful thinking I suppose and I decided to leave it that way.

Another dream to tuck away in the Cedar Chest

There's a lottery in this state and won of the games is called "Win for Life".
It's $1000 for life.
I never play the lottery. Once I worked with a group of people and we'd go in together and buy tickets but we only ever won a buck.
That 1000 bucks for life would sure come in handy. It wouldn't be enough so that I'd quit working but it sure would be nice "extra" income. Life having a husband's income without having to have a husband. Ummmm, that could work.
Let's see by the time tax comes out, maybe I'd collect around seven hundred. That would allow me to do a few things now that I'm not able to do now. It would allow me to help some people in my life from time to time. It would allow me to travel a more than once year to see my Granddaughter out west. It would be nice,even if I did have to keep working until I retire. Maybe I should buy a ticket soon, you never know!

Rain at Last

At last we have rain today. I think if I'd not had to work today I'd have gone out and walked in it. At least the heat broke and it actually was cool today but that won't last long, by Thursday we'll be hot again.
Not much going on now, just trying to make it day by day. Change is on the horizon though, I feel it in my bones. And I welcome it.

My five year old Granddaughter

My Granddaughter in Curlers

Her mom says she asked her to put her hair in curlers and then she posed with the phone. She says, "This may be a prelude to what to expect from her. Worried about her hair and talking on the phone." LOL, she could be right.

To Make the Pain Vanish

I had so many dreams for my firstborn. Almost twenty nine years ago when they first put him in my arms I thought I couldn't contain all the love I felt for him. Being barely nineteen at the time of his birth I knew absolutely nothing about being a mother. That of course didn't matter because those maternal instincts kicked in and all I knew was that I'd do whatever it took to protect him from any pain that came his way. How very naive I was.
Such a perfect baby he was. He was so perfect in fact that three years later when I gave birth to his brother I couldn't believe that this wrinkled red thing that seemed to be all limbs was mine! I laugh now but my first child came out with beautiful olive colored skin, perfectly proportioned body, a head full of hair and was the sweetest baby one could ever imagine. I guess I thought all babies were like that. And although his younger brother grew into those limbs and was just as beautiful around three months, he didn't come into this world like his older brother did.
During his early years he was the easiest child to raise one could imagine. But around the age of seven or eight something happened to his spirit, to his soul maybe. I'm not sure, but I do know he's fought demons ever since. There is no peace for him ever. His life is always in chaos. He nevers feels good enough, he creates so much drama for himself. He drains all of us dry, the ones of us who love him. But he doesn't think anyone loves him.
To see one's child in pain is so much worse than being in pain yourself. If I could take away his pain, cast it into my own heart, I would in a minute just so he could be happy and realize how special he really is.
I think back so often of what I could have done differently and though I don't know for sure if anything we did could have caused this, I'd still love to go back and do things maybe differently. His brother is a completely different person, and I raised him the same way. So who knows~
So, I'm putting another dream in the Cedar Chest tonight. I'm hoping and praying that my son will find happiness soon and know that he is of value. I'm hoping his pain will disolve and he can at last stand proud and stand on his own. Life isn't easy for anyone, but most of us learn to cope. I'm hoping he'll learn this soon.
My sweet, sweet, perfect baby.

From the garden

Dazed and Confused.

For the past few days I've been in a daze really. Not sure why. I've had the weekend off, three days in fact, this being my last day. It could be the heat, around 100 degrees every day. It could be other things on my mind, not sure what it is. I've been plagued by allergies, especially a headache. Just in a daze is all I know. Ah ha! I've been hitting the allergy meds pretty hard, they make me like this too. So, there! I've figured it out.
Today will be too hot to do much of anything outside so I'm just gonna vegetate here in my little house and take it easy. My parents are coming home from their trip today so I'll have to go visit them this afternoon and look at the thousand pictures they have. I can handle that, really I can.
Bye for now.