Tuesday, October 21, 2008

At Last the Last

I can hardly believe today will be the 6th treatment. In many ways it seems like the time has passed so slowly and it has been 18 weeks, which is a pretty long time I guess. Of course I have to have one tomorrow too, so officially my last one won't be until then.

It would be nice if this one would be easy on me. Wouldn't that be nice? I'm praying hard.

If all goes well I should be able to go back to work around the middle of November. I am ready to go back to work. I am ready to get back in the world.

My appointment is not until 12:15 today and the first thing is I have to see the Dr. Usually he is late and then this life port of mine doesn't act right and they send me to xray to check it out and then by then they give me the choice of having the treatment today or waiting until tomorrow. Because I hate that the nurses would have to stay so late with me, I usually just say we'll do it tomorrow but after talking to my friend Tammy, and my Mom, I've decided since this is the last one, I want the treatment today! No matter how long I have to stay. Let's get this over with! Today I'm being selfish!

And so that's my story for today. I've learned through all of this that Chemo sucks! If it has destroyed cancer cells I am glad but it makes you wonder and wonder if it is worth it. At this point in time it is all we have and so we have to go with it. I heard Melissa Ethridge say that she believes years from now we'll look back on Chemo therapy and think how barbaric is was. It is for sure. But we are tough, us human beings and we fight to live and most of us survive Chemo, whereas we don't always survive cancer.

I'm surviving, and I'm going on to live the rest of my life for me. I've tried so hard my whole life to please everyone else and it has gotten me so far from what I want. So if Cancer has taught me anything, it has taught me to follow my heart to my own happiness. And that is what I'm going to do, no matter how much time I have left, none of us know how much time we have left on this earth. And I know I can face whatever I have to face now and get through it. With faith, with people who support me, and with my own spirit I am going to survive and go from there.

"There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do."
Freya Madeline Stark


Sage said...

Robbin, I will be thinking of you all day today. I hope and pray that all is in order for this your LAST chemo session! Wouldn't it be great if this day just went by in a poof......if you could just get started and then to have one of the nurses say "you're done!" Oh, have you given them their bracelets yet?

If the doctor says that radiation is necessary, I know you will make it through that too, but I am going to pray that radiation is not necessary. It's time you get to spend your time for you......and it's time to start packing for that move to Washington!

Thoughts and prayers for you today. And lots of hugs too!


Memaw's memories said...

I'm thinging the phrase 'that when the going gets tough, the tough get going'.

The quote at the end of your post is so profound.

I was in a situation once that I didn't feel I belonged in, and I was not happy until I got out of it, which took about 6 years(and I know what you are thinging--it wasn't prison, just seemed like it most days).

Tammy said...

GO WARRIOR! Kick some cancer butt tonight. WOOHOO!

Mary said...

A wonderful attitude, spoken with beauty. You are a wonderful lady and deserve happiness.

Let's all pray that number 6 happened today and that it will be as easy as number 1 was.

Thinking of you.

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Thank you Marge, didn't go so smoothly yesterday, but that's ok too. I've not given them their bracelets yet, I'm still working on the little cards that go with them and go behind but if I don't get them done by Thursday, I go back in again to see the Dr. in a few weeks and I can give them to them then.
And yes, Washington is getting closer and my heart aches to be with my children.
Thanks for your prayers, keep them coming today and Thursday.

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

LOL, Shirley, prison never entered my mind silly girl, you made me laugh so hard. I sort of liked that quote too, makes sence to me. Yes, I am going to work on making my life just like I want it to be from now on.

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Tammy, what would I ever do without your constant encouragement? I hope I never know!

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Hi Mary, thank you and yep, let's hope and pray this one will be not so bad.