Sunday, April 19, 2009
After last years events, I am so lucky to be able to indulge myself. Yet at the same time I mostly feel guilty for doing so.
According to the dictionary the word "indulge" means "to give free reign to" or "to take unrestrained pleasure in, to gratify, to mollycoddle", lol, now there's a word I like, mollycoddle.
I am trying to learn to just "be". I am lucky enough right now, in this moment in time to not have to be on a schedule. I listen to a voice deep inside for guidance on what I need right now and I "indulge" myself. If I need to sleep, that is what I do. If I need to cry, that is what I do. If I just need to sit outside and stare off into space without a thought in my mind that is what I do. There are no expectations placed on me , nothing asked of me.
I need this right now, in this transition in my life. I need to figure out what it is that I have to give and who I can give to. I need to figure out many things as I start over. And I'm very grateful for the opportunity to do so yet the guilt plagues me. Who am I do deserve such indulgences? And when will I know when I'm ready to step out into life again and stop mollycoddling myself? Will I ever be ready?