I've needed to rethink this dance thing I got going on with that C word. First of all, I have two partners here. They both start with C but one of them is suppose to be on MY side. I've lost sight of that a little.
And so, I take another look at my War Strategy, as I would think any good Warrior does from time to time. I need to work along beside Chemo against what could be Bad Cells, bunches of them ready to take over healthy cells. Me & Chemo, good guys. Cancer cells , bad guys.
Its just that it is hard to understand a battle partner who kicks you when you're down. One who is also destroying cells, even nice cells. It is hard to imagine this guy on your side when you never know how he is going to effect you from day to day, from hour to hour. I've in fact grown to hate this partner, to think of him as an always burning, sizzling, pot of witches brew, boiling over inside me. He constantly reminds me he's here, through what I eat, or don't eat, by the sight of me in the mirror, through the fogginess of my mind, and by taking away any sort of normal life that I knew of. He has in fact caused me not to trust my own body, not to even know it quite well at all.
And so with that said, I've got to re-think this. I do believe he is doing his job, very well. But I'm not so sure I am doing mine. It's not going to work if Mr. Chemo and I work against each other. I've got to recognize him as a "good thing". I've got to remember if he doesn't do his thing now, I could have big trouble with the real enemy down the road.
So, I'm working on getting a new visualization here. Chemo, a good guy, fighting, fighting, fighting and me, well I just keep on keeping on. It's the best I can do for now. And I'll buckle down for the four more treatments that will get only more intense.