Saturday, August 09, 2008

Identifying the Enemy


I've needed to rethink this dance thing I got going on with that C word. First of all, I have two partners here. They both start with C but one of them is suppose to be on MY side. I've lost sight of that a little.




And so, I take another look at my War Strategy, as I would think any good Warrior does from time to time. I need to work along beside Chemo against what could be Bad Cells, bunches of them ready to take over healthy cells. Me & Chemo, good guys. Cancer cells , bad guys.




Its just that it is hard to understand a battle partner who kicks you when you're down. One who is also destroying cells, even nice cells. It is hard to imagine this guy on your side when you never know how he is going to effect you from day to day, from hour to hour. I've in fact grown to hate this partner, to think of him as an always burning, sizzling, pot of witches brew, boiling over inside me. He constantly reminds me he's here, through what I eat, or don't eat, by the sight of me in the mirror, through the fogginess of my mind, and by taking away any sort of normal life that I knew of. He has in fact caused me not to trust my own body, not to even know it quite well at all.




And so with that said, I've got to re-think this. I do believe he is doing his job, very well. But I'm not so sure I am doing mine. It's not going to work if Mr. Chemo and I work against each other. I've got to recognize him as a "good thing". I've got to remember if he doesn't do his thing now, I could have big trouble with the real enemy down the road.
So, I'm working on getting a new visualization here. Chemo, a good guy, fighting, fighting, fighting and me, well I just keep on keeping on. It's the best I can do for now. And I'll buckle down for the four more treatments that will get only more intense.






2 comments:

linda said...

my dear robbin, I suspect I am retiring as you rise for the day! It is about 3:17AM here and I noticed on my "feedjit" someone from your house came to call, and so, knowing you are an early riser, I think it must be you....

dear one, you are doing the very most and best you can. Each day, this battle will become more natural to you and you won't have so many unknowns to deal with. Perhaps you are frightened of what is to come, I know I would be terrified of it all but at least, so far, you are not vomitting...I have noticed you are quieter so assume you are not as well as you were. that is such good news, not that you are so sick, but that the battle is being waged and you will be the victor...sometimes, in "The Art of War" a good offense was knowing when to have a good defense. If that makes sense to you ... I have not had any sleep because of MY stupid meds keeping me awake all the time! We must exchange emails so we can chat at these odd hours of the night. I am lascot1@att.net if you ever want to shout out at me in the middle of my night :)

((((((((((((((((robbin)))))))))))))))))))

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Twas me Linda, when I get up this early I always think you're there still up. And you usually are. Thanks for your email address.