Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Time For a........

A lot can change in a life in a mere two years. When I started this blog in May of 2006, it was just a past time. It was just (and still is) mostly for my own entertainment. I'd kept a diary most of my life and with my love of the computer, it just became natural.

At first it spoke of my job, which was my life I guess. I spoke of struggles with my oldest son and wishing he could find happiness. For a year there I stressed over whether I should move to Washington. I spoke of stupid T.V. programs or an interesting customer or two. I dreamed sometimes of some material things or things I thought would make me happy. I wondered why my mother and I had to be so different and why she didn't "get" me.

People came and people went. Some people came and stayed (thank you). Mostly my blog turned into me, just talking to myself, my weird thoughts and dreams and hopes, just skipping through life not thinking anything "bad" could invade my life when all of a sudden this blog is about Chemo and side effects and traces of suicide and my pains and groans and me trying SO hard to get through this phase in my life.

I've learned a lot about me in the past few months and a lot about people in my life. I still go through the only "what ifs" concerning Jonathan. I still have to deal with selling his car, I've got it all clear and all I have to do is get it cleaned up and put a For Sale Sign on it, but although I am wanting to not have to look at it anymore, I hate to see it go.

This second Treatment is not as easy as the first one, and I knew it wouldn't be, and here a week later I'm still not feeling that great, but I'm hanging on. Life is just different. In a blink of an eye.

If I let my mind wander sometimes, I wonder what I did? Is this for something I did wrong? Am I being punished? But then I know that is not what I believe, and that is not how the world as I understand it works. But the thought enters my mind sometimes. And it is hard to push those thoughts back. But those thoughts only come when I am tired and when my spirit falters a little.

And so in the end, you go back to the things you do have and you are thankful. Thank goodness for medical insurance, thank goodness for a company that pays me disablility, thank God I have a son and daughter in law and granddaughter that I love and want to be with so much. Thank God I have friends and family who care. And for a successful Hip replacement surgery and a mother who at 70 is strong enough to handle so much right now. And so thankful I can be treated for this disease that could kill me!

And so that is the
the way Life is, and all I can do is the best I can do. I will be alright!
And so will YOU!

Have a good day everybody, the heat is bad here again, and I have to stay inside and stay as cool as possible. Chemo and heat not a good mix, this I know for sure. And that is my reality!


Rapunzel said...

You have such a great attitude, Robbin, I love the way you write - like you live - honestly and passionately.


Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Same reason I love your blog, Miss New York City! I'm so excited for you, I smile everytime I think of your trip this weekend. Have fun!

Memaw's memories said...

It's amazing what insight we have when we look back isn't it. You've come such a long way on this journey.

I'm sorry this round is making you feel- not so great, but you are hanging in so well.

We just never know what's waiting around the corner for us.

Glad to hear the surgery went well for your stepfather.

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Thanks so much Shirley, as always for your encouragement and kind words.

Aisling said...

Robbin, Thank you for coming by to visit today. :)

I'm glad your stepdad is doing ok, and that your Mom is holding up well with all of this adversity.

Hang in there. Hopefully you will feel better soon.

love and hugs,

linda said...

hang in there robbin...wanted to pop in and say hello...having some computer problems that are keeping me offline right now but I always check in on you..sorry you aren't feeling as well but that unfortunately was to be expected :( ugh..

take car, sweetie...

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Hi Aisling, yep, my parents are hanging in there. I was able to be at her house this morning when she got home and fed her, and made sure she got a long relaxing bath and left her there to nap.
Made me feel good to do something, and I fought HARD since Mr. Chemo is giving a litte kick today!
I loved your pictures today!

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

There you are Linda, my friend! Sorry you are having computer problems but so glad you are able to still drop in.
YEP, giving it my best fight today. Heat breaks tomorrow so that will help.
You take care and thanks for dropping by.