A Last Glimpse?

I walk out of work into a partially dark parking lot. As I make my way to my car I notice a young man leaning against a vehicle to my right about 4 rows over. He is in silhouette. My heart skips a beat.

My head knows better but somewhere deep inside I hope I am being given another last glance of him. He is the right sized person, his features in the shadows look the same, his dress is so typical of my son. I slow my steps in order to stare at him longer. He is not looking my way, I only see his profile. I know this is not him, or could it be? Could I be seeing him again? My goodness, it has to be him, it looks just like him. He stands just like him, in that James Dean manner. It has to be him. My heart pounds. It so looks like him, I am in awe and slowly I walk past him but I can not help looking back. He turns his face toward me and the light hits his features. My heart sinks! It is the wrong face. And even though I knew it wasn't him, I still hoped. I hoped I was getting a final glimpse of someone I love with all my heart. I hoped for one more chance to tell him how much I love him, face to face. But it is not the right face.

The young man gives me a sad little smile and I turn away, embarrassed that I was probably acting weird and I hurry up and get inside my car. And I cry all the way home.

It is not the first time I've seen him or thought I did. In fact I see him all the time. I see him in crowds, I see him passing me in a car. But I feel him in my heart and of course that is real and this I know.

A Good Day

I had a really good day yesterday. First of all it was good to see my Doctor again and the nurses who took such good care of me for all those months. My check up was good. An Oncologist in the only kind of Dr. I know of who is actually happy that you've gained weight, which I have. Well, the deal is I lost weight during all that and now I'm back to where I was and he takes that as a good sign because it is showing you are eating.

My blood work looked great and I am feeling well and he was happy and so was I. We talked about my move and he's having all my records copied for me to take with me. He assured me there were wonderful Dr.'s where I was going and I don't have to see anyone for another three months or at least by June 1st. And then he said, "Now just because you are going to move doesn't mean we don't care about you so please call us from time to time and let us know how you are doing." I thought that was really sweet.

All the nurses thought my move is a great thing, they know all I've been through and think it is great that I will be with my son and his family. Of course they all got to know my mother while we went through this and they asked how she felt about it and I told them she wasn't that happy about it but like everyone else they say, "You've got to live your own life and do what makes you happy."

So, things are moving along here. I've had my discussion with my mother, I've got my first check up behind me, looks like blue skies ahead and all I can say is I am ready!

Tuesday Again

Ok, it is Conference Call day and I'm going to try and be a good girl and get my blogging over with before I'm on it instead of doing it while I'm on it.
Today is my first three month check up after finishing chemo. Since the rest of these check ups will have to be done in Washington, I'm going to ask for my medical records. This is the Dr. I really like, it was the radiologist that sort of gave me the creeps, so I'm glad I'm seeing him and not the other one. So, anyway, I have my call, the Dr.'s appointment and then on to work. It is my night to close so I don't get off until eight tonight. A busy day.
So, that's about all I know this morning. We are still hopping at work, had another big day yesterday and that's good if it doesn't kill all of us. I need about three other employees this time of the year.
Hope your Tuesday is a good one.
Love,
Robbin

An Email from Haleigh

Are you having fun out there alot here laitly?
to Grandma from Haleighi love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you are my sunshine!!!

I had this wonderful email from Haleigh this afternoon. I can hardly wait to get her in my arms. She is MY Sunshine!
And I got a counter----------------------------------------------------------->>>>
So now I can keep up with just how much longer.

Short Timer's Syndrome

A big thank you for every one's comments on yesterday's post, you'll never know how much they mean to me and help me. I got some private emails too and thanks for those. What would I ever do without my blog support group? You gals get me through some hard times!
I am moving slow this morning as if I didn't have to work, but I do! But I wanted to let you all know how much you mean to me.
I am getting so excited. Amy told me I had short timer's at work and I thought she just made that phrase up only to hear it again from Tammy on the phone yesterday. It is a real thing which I have!! So there you go, learn something everyday, but then again I've been with this company for 15 years, so I've not left a job for a long time!
Anyway, I'd better get going!
Have a good day,
Love,
Robbin

The Conversation

My mother has known for quite some time that I am moving only she refused to really believe it. I mean after all, talking about it and doing it are two different things. Last spring when I had my hysterectomy, and before the cancer thing, Matthew and I thought I'd be able to move last summer but then I kind of got side tracked. Anyway, at that time Matthew talked to her about it and as expected she expressed how she just couldn't believe it and that she felt like we were deserting her and my stepfather.

First of all, I am my mother's only child. I've never lived more than an hour away from her in all my almost 52 years. As long as I've lived I've probably never done anything that would really rock her world. I've tried to be a good daughter but she never seems to think I am. And I've tried for my whole life but she is the type of person that has always pointed out my faults, and I can never really truly tell you anything I've ever done that she thought was admirable. I get that too, that is just who she is. I quit trying to figure it all out a long time ago. She is my mother, I love her and I know she loves me, but our relationship does not bring me acceptance or comfort.

And so, you can understand how hard this move is for that reason. She can make me feel so guilty, and so this week I had to finally (yes, I have put it off this long) have the conversation and to let her know that this is really happening.
She told me she supposed her and my stepfather would just go live in a nursing home. There would be nobody here to take care of them. At 71 years old the woman is healthier than I am! My Stepfather is only 60 years old and is not feeble at all I can assure you. But I was expecting that, it is why I put it off so long. There is no way I'm going to get her blessing. She doesn't understand why in the world I'd even want to move way up there. "But don't worry about us."

And so she will not make it easy for me. Part of the excitement and joy of this new adventure will be tainted for that reason. And my whole life, I've got to tell you, I've not ever done things for fear of upsetting someone else's world. That's just how I'm made up, how I roll. So I've got to be strong here. And I knew this all along. So she'll be pitiful until I leave. And I've got to concentrate on what I want, what I need. In my dream world she would tell me she loves me and although she will miss me, she is glad I am doing this and she understands how I need to be with Matthew and his family. But that ain't gonna happen. In my dream world she'd fly out to visit me and we'd see all there is to see out there but oh no, she told me right away that her traveling days were over and she wasn't going anywhere. So I have to live with this and go forward, no matter how hard it is.

My Guard Dog

We had a stellar week at the store this week and I'd like to just curl up with the new book I bought yesterday but NO! I have work to do, I'm moving you know. So far I've gotten as far as making a pot of coffee.
Usually my little dog, Sweetie, sleeps through the night but last night she kept me awake practically the whole night. She heard things apparently all night long. She would jump up, scamper over me in bed and jump to the floor and bark like crazy. And then she'd stand guard at the door and sort of just barely bark. It drove me nuts and I think finally she and I both went to sleep around four in the morning. So I've not had too much sleep. I'm not sure exactly what she was protecting me from but she did a very good job for sure.

The news is depressing this morning, a plane crash, another little girl missing in Florida. It's Friday the 13th and if you're superstitious that could be bad. I always figured it could be a lucky day too so there you go. One of the girls at work is going to see the new Friday the 13th movie tonight. Not me, I don't care for scary movies thank you very much. I in fact have the movie here "Nights in Rodanthe" which is much more my speed.
Anyway, Friday the 13th today, Valentine's Day tomorrow.
Matthew and I were thinking of the same thing last night without knowing it. I was soaking in a nice hot bath and thinking about what we needed to stop and see on our trip and when I got out he had emailed me and was thinking about that too. He wants to see the Great Salt Lake in Utah. I don't care what we see really, just to be in places I've never been and to see new land will be enough for me.
I am moving slow this morning, really pushing it with time so I'd better get going and take my bath. It is supposed to be rainy today and tomorrow according to the weather man but the sun is shining brightly out there at the moment.
Have a good day, watch out for black cats and such!
Love,
Robbin

Ready to GO!

I might have slept late yesterday but I got a lot done so I was proud of me. Now that I'm in the packing ,cleaning, throwing away mode, I'd rather stay home and do it other than going to work. But I have to stay until my date I gave and work on this part at home on days off. It is going to be harder and harder as time goes on to actually concentrate on work. I am ready to go!
I've no guess how busy we'll be at work today, things have slowed down a little but you never know. Our Dr. stays late on Thursdays and we usually get a lot of people who have insurance and that always is interesting. Insurance is nice to have put a pain to handle for sure. It takes time and in a world where people are in such a hurry and want things instantly it can get a little hairy. But we manage.
And that's about all I know for now, just trying to get through day by day.

Lazy Bones Am I

I'm off today and I slept in until nine o'clock. It has been a long time since I did that. I did have a hard time actually going to sleep so that explains it probably. I have much I'd like to get done today and the weather is nice, so we'll see how that goes.
We're working on getting the U-haul and Matthew's airline ticket and I'm getting really excited.
Nothing much worth talking about going on around here. I had a terrible dream where I was at a big meeting for work and I couldn't find the room where my group was meeting and I started to panic. I ran into a girl who I used to work with but no longer works with our company and she just laughed and laughed at me as I wandered from room to room. I had my phone but when I opened it to call my boss to ask where they were there were no numbers, no keys at all. So I panicked some more. It was a nightmare!!
Anyhow, have a good day.

This is TOO cute!

Click here, do now, it is too good to miss. It'll show you how to clean your screen from the inside.

Tuesday Tidbits

Shh! Don't tell anyone but I'm blogging while on conference call. You can do that when you put the phone on speaker and mute it. Of course if she calls on me for something, I've got to unmute fast and answer but right now she is going through numbers and that takes awhile with 15 stores.
Our weather is beautiful, still a little cool at nights, but in the seventies for the days. Plenty of sunshine. It feels good.
Things are still hopping at work, we are busy, busy. We are taking advantage of it while it is happening because it will stop for sure. People have income tax money. That money will end and then we'll be back to people really being careful of how they spend.
I'll be out of there by then, and I won't miss the pressure for sure. I still have some nerve damage from the chemo in my feet and staying on them all day and running around causes them to feel like ground beef at the end of the day and I won't miss that either. Of course my son is going to have me climbing mountains or such and I better get tough!
Anyway, I'd better get back to my conference call. Hope for all of you a good day.
Love,
Robbin

OH MY!

45 days. That's how many more days before I leave my job. A transfer is still up in the air, but it's ok. I need a new start, a new place, a new outlook on life. And I'm doing it in a big way. So, the count down is on. And I'm excited!

May I Help You or Would You Rather Snap My Head Off?

Yesterday was not at all what we expected at work. It was in fact a day of chaos and confusion. Maybe the cold weather had people in a bad mood, and even though they weren't just plain ugly, they weren't over friendly. It was one of those days where you'd ask them their names and they'd mumble something which meant I had to ask again which seemed to aggravate them. Sorry.

It was a day where people were super sensitive, where one girl got her feeling hurt because we were trying to find out if she was going to be able to use her insurance and when my associate told her a few times that she was not eligible, she said, "I wish she'd quit saying that!" She was almost in tears, not because of her insurance but because she didn't like being called "not eligible." It was a day where we couldn't win for losing.

People came dragging in late and got mad if you hinted the Dr. might not be able to see them. I jokingly told one such person that she could go talk to the Dr. and beg him, and I was only kidding but she informed me right away that she wouldn't be "begging" anyone. Whatever. I just finally learned to keep my mouth shut. This wasn't a day to joke with people.

And so today off I go to combat. Who knows what this day will bring but I know one thing, I have never been more tired of working retail than ever in my life. We are people too, not just robots who work in a store. We have feelings, we are human, we are just trying to make a living.

So, we'll see what today holds. You just never know.

It's Just Plain Cold

It is 18 degrees in South Georgia this morning. So I sit here shivering before I go take a nice hot bath and get ready for what I think and hope will be a busy day at work. I am told the Dr.'s book is completely full and even if they don't all show up we should be busy as all get out. Thank goodness.
I have the tinest of colds, have fought it the last few days. A really mild sore throat and a runny nose. And I have a hacking cough which I hate to have especially around the customers but maybe when I get going and all cleared up, it won't be so bad. I hope.
And so I wish for you a very good and peaceful Thursday. It's hard to believe another week as just about clicked by.
Love,
Robbin

Of Biscuits, A Day Off, & Some Deep Thoughts

I've bought the most terrible bag of frozen biscuits. It all started because of a jar of wonderful honey a dear friend sent me. I decided I wanted hot biscuits to eat with it, and since I can't for the life of me make biscuits I bought a bag. The first ones I tried to cook were burned on the outside and raw in the middle. I figured it was just me, I must have the oven too hot or something. So this morning I checked the temp and time suggested on the package and still the same thing. Ticks me off! I've bought some before that did great and were good. Not these.
I am off today and it is cold outside. In the low twenties with wind chills down in the teens. Glad I'm not getting out.
Check out my really cool bookshelf. I saw that Debra over at It Came to Pass had it on her blog and knew I had to have it. I like it. I've been in the reading mode for the last few weeks. I am glad because there for a while I thought I'd lost that love. My world is so topsy turvey at the moment. I've worried about losing my passions in life. Nothing seems to knock my socks off anymore. Is that what happens as you age? I'm feeling about 100 years old lately. Do things stop amazing you? Do you not experience things, simple things, that used to make you stand in awe? Or is it just me? Have I numbed myself so much to keep from hurting that I don't feel the awesome stuff too? These are the questions I ponder as of late.
I'm putting all my eggs in one basket here. I'm hoping my move and being with my kids will bring me back to life. Right now I'm just going through the motions of life. Right now I'm a ghost just being where I'm suppose to be when I'm suppose to be, like an outsider looking in. Not a participate.

I Have Hair

 

Still not enough to not wear a hat but it is coming for sure. For anyone who lands here that's had chemo and wonders how long it takes, I had my last treatment the last of October. It grows slow for sure. I've read where it usually grows back different and some times in a new color, but mine is the same, straight and dark and gray. I really wanted curly hair, darn it! But I'll take whatever I get!
I'm tired of hats and scarves.

What a Day!

If yesterday is to be an inclination of how the rest of my week is going to go, I think I shall just stay home with a blanket over my head. It was just one of those days where if it can go wrong, it did. One of those days where you have to laugh to keep from crying.
I had to work and was actually a little busy but then I ended up giving two refunds which ate up almost my whole profit for the day. One man was very upset and let me have it over the phone and I dreaded him coming in but he sent his wife instead to get the refund. The other lady had bought a frame only which I'd already exchanged once but then yesterday she just came in and nearly threw the frame at me and wanted her money back. So, ok. I broke some one's glasses when I was doing a repair. I got busy with one lady while a man was waiting for me and he got mad and left, saying something ugly on his way out.
When at last my day was over and I went to make the bank deposit, the night drop was locked for some reason so I had to take the money back to the store and now I have to deal with that this morning.
I was so utterly exhausted when I got home that I was sound asleep by nine thirty and didn't want to wake up at seven this morning.
And so here's hoping for a better day. Please, let it be a better day!

I saw saw that Mary Timme over at Beadfluff had done this and I like this sort of thing too, so here's what my rainbow means.

Your rainbow is strongly shaded green.

What is says about you: You are an intelligent person. You feel strong ties to nature and your mood changes with its cycles. Those around you admire your fresh outlook and vitality.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.