Sunday, February 15, 2009

The Conversation

My mother has known for quite some time that I am moving only she refused to really believe it. I mean after all, talking about it and doing it are two different things. Last spring when I had my hysterectomy, and before the cancer thing, Matthew and I thought I'd be able to move last summer but then I kind of got side tracked. Anyway, at that time Matthew talked to her about it and as expected she expressed how she just couldn't believe it and that she felt like we were deserting her and my stepfather.

First of all, I am my mother's only child. I've never lived more than an hour away from her in all my almost 52 years. As long as I've lived I've probably never done anything that would really rock her world. I've tried to be a good daughter but she never seems to think I am. And I've tried for my whole life but she is the type of person that has always pointed out my faults, and I can never really truly tell you anything I've ever done that she thought was admirable. I get that too, that is just who she is. I quit trying to figure it all out a long time ago. She is my mother, I love her and I know she loves me, but our relationship does not bring me acceptance or comfort.

And so, you can understand how hard this move is for that reason. She can make me feel so guilty, and so this week I had to finally (yes, I have put it off this long) have the conversation and to let her know that this is really happening.
She told me she supposed her and my stepfather would just go live in a nursing home. There would be nobody here to take care of them. At 71 years old the woman is healthier than I am! My Stepfather is only 60 years old and is not feeble at all I can assure you. But I was expecting that, it is why I put it off so long. There is no way I'm going to get her blessing. She doesn't understand why in the world I'd even want to move way up there. "But don't worry about us."

And so she will not make it easy for me. Part of the excitement and joy of this new adventure will be tainted for that reason. And my whole life, I've got to tell you, I've not ever done things for fear of upsetting someone else's world. That's just how I'm made up, how I roll. So I've got to be strong here. And I knew this all along. So she'll be pitiful until I leave. And I've got to concentrate on what I want, what I need. In my dream world she would tell me she loves me and although she will miss me, she is glad I am doing this and she understands how I need to be with Matthew and his family. But that ain't gonna happen. In my dream world she'd fly out to visit me and we'd see all there is to see out there but oh no, she told me right away that her traveling days were over and she wasn't going anywhere. So I have to live with this and go forward, no matter how hard it is.

9 comments:

Mary Timme said...

But the Lord is with you! Some Moms are just that way.

MeMaw said...

Robbin...I probably would have said, instead of her and your stepdad moving to a nursing home, a better trip would be for them to move to Washington too. Huh? how 'bout that?... Washington sounds much better to me than a nursing home...just sayin here...

Mothers can be a pain, I know I can be to my children and mine was certainly to me as well...albeit a pain in a different kind of way!

Come on now, don't let her steal your joy and peace...

love ya
Debra

Memaw's memories said...

You must not allow your mother to take away the excitement of the new life you are beginning. It is time for you to be grandma to your precious granddaughter. You have memories of your youth. Make some of your future.

linda said...

robin, we must be sisters because we certainly have the same mother!!! she has never told me she loves me, never says anything remotely nice and doesn't even call me or return my calls...you have a most precious gift~ you have a granddaughter and someday, when you are 70, you will look back and KNOW you did the very best thing by going to be with her and your son and his wife...you will be happy and fulfilled and part of something so much bigger than the smallness of your mother's world, whether she likes it or not..you cannot live your life for her, you must live it for you and your own family, most especially that granddaughter...I would not give it another thought, just don't discuss it anymore...say, "no more unless you want to be positive about things...I don't need any more negativity in my life, I've had enough to last me a lifetime!"

if she doesn't get that, she never will...
XO

The_Gertster said...

You know this because I have said it to you many times!I love you and I am going to miss you SOOOOOO much!!! But I want YOU to be happy! I want you to live for YOU! I think about my grandparents---they are in their eighties, they have had good health most of their lives and they have sat in that house and always had excuses as to why they didnt do this, why they didnt travel,,,,blah blah blah,,,,,Robbin, go, live, bloom! Be a blessing and a joy to your family! you will be loved and appreciated there! Love ya!

The_Gertster said...

SORRY you wont have your Mother's blessing,,,,But thats just how it is,,,,Thats how SHE IS! You could be crowned the Queen of the World and she wouldnt think much of it,,,,or she'd be Jealous! You still wouldnt have her Blessing! She IS how she is, so dont let her steal any of your JOY! Not NOW, and NOT when you get there!

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement, you'll never know how much they mean to me and how mcuh they help.

Tammy said...

We covered this in our last chat. I'll just say Que Sera Sera. sp? lol

I'm so excited!

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Yep,Tammy we have done that.