Monday, September 01, 2008

It's Very True...

...I am quite stubborn. It is a characteristic I've had forever, no doubt was born with. I was in fact born under the sign of the Bull if you believe in that sort of a thing and over the years it has sometimes served me well, and sometimes gotten me into a lot of trouble.
I have also for years been very independent in that I was hurt a long time ago depending on someone and learned and was determined to never really "need" anyone ever again for anything.
And so with all that said, you will understand how very hard it is for me to actually have to ask anyone for anything now.
But you see, I know I am at the point with the therapy that I now know I will not defy all odds, that I will not go through this as if nothing is going on with me, as if I can still, at the least, go to town and get my own groceries. And it saddens me greatly. But I have come to terms with it yesterday.
Although, I feel pretty good at home, sitting lots, taking lots of naps, that doesn't mean I am feeling well enough to go grocery shopping. Even though last time around this time I did do just that and had no problems. But I was told, each time is worse and the recovery time slower. Even though I was told that this kind of fatigue was not the same kind of fatigue where you can just push yourself and get whatever done you need to get done DONE. Nope, doesn't work like that.
So, stubborn me, even though my mother offered to buy my groceries, I decided I felt good enough to do it myself yesterday. WRONG was I. I got it done, but I almost didn't make it. Several times I thought about deserting my cart and just coming home, but I needed those things, and I was so close. I barely finished, barely got them to my car, barely got them inside and put away. And now I know, I have to have help.
I've lost so much in the last few months and it kills me to give up any little bit of independence, but I have to push the BULL away and ask for help.
It's a work in progress but I'm learning. Even if I have to learn the hard way, which most of my life is the way I've learned. Nothing different here accept the stakes are higher and I've got to understand that. So lesson learned.
Happy Labor Day!
Love,
Robbin

12 comments:

Sage said...

Dearest Robbin,

You are a very wise woman to know that you need to ask for help. It doesn't make you weak.....it makes you stronger because you realize you need help.

Is there anything I can do from this distance? Thank goodness you have your mom so close. She wants to help you, so let her! And from this end, I will continue to pray for you. Please be careful.

Blessings, Marge

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Dear Marge, thank you for showing me from that perspective, asking for help is being strong, not weak. I feel good and so strong as I sit here, but when I get up and try anything, forget it! And I've got to remember it will pass but for now, I got to have some help. You do plenty for me, those prayers and just listening to me, that's a big help.
Hope your day is a good one.
Love you bunches!

Aisling said...

Robbin, That's a hard admission for such an independent person. You know, people will want to help you... You'd do the same if someone needed your help. This is just something else to get through, and soon you will have your independence back.

Hang in there!

love and hugs,
Aisling

PS, I'm praying for the Gulf Coast folks too. Nature sure is hitting hard this year, all over the world.

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Hi Aisling,
Yep, its just hard to remember that this is only for now. But I must, I must.

amy said...

Good morning, Miss Independent! You are one of the strongest people I've ever known in my whole entire life. That is why I know that you will be strong enough to do what seems a contradiction - let other people help you. Don't you know if I was there I wouldn't let you get out of your chair? I can only be your long-distance cheerleader, reminding you that you're over half-way finished! And soon it will be on to bigger and better things, we just have to let your body do its thing for a little while! Love ya. Take it easy!!!!!!!

Amy

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Hey Amy, not feeling so strong at the moment and not knowing my body or even myself at the moment. Thanks for the cheerleading. Keep doing it.
I need it.

Tammy said...

Dearest Robbin,
Sometime we learn valuable life lessons through illness. To receive is a gift that blesses you and the giver. Receiving and asking for help is HUGE for independent people, but the rewards are great. It's the gift of needing to receive that will stay with you long after your recovery. One that you will pay forward without hesitation.

(It took me a few years to catch on to this concept, I'm not the brightest crayon in the box. lol)

Happy Healing!
Love
T

linda said...

well, better late than never, here I am!! I am relieved to see a new post, I was getting a bit worried about you! I too am a taurus and so hear what you are saying about "doing it yourself!" But sometimes it seems life wants to hand us a lesson about reliance on others and, though it is hard, it is also a blessing to find "others" will be there to help. Perhaps that is why those lessons are there in the first place, who knows...not me! I just know it's hard!

Sending blessings to you and to those in harm's way as well...and another one is on the way?! Please take care and watch some movies...netflix perhaps?

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Hey Tammy, I realized I forgot to email you today, I'm sorry.
Yep, it is hard to ask for help. I never want to bother anyone.
Love you!

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

I believe that too Linda, about things hapening for us to learn. I'm trying.
I got netflix movies on the way, I fianlly mailed back some I'd had forever.
Love you!
Glad to see you.

Me Maw said...

The weakness can be so profound. I know it is so hard to describe.

I found that it was helpful for me to finally just let others be a blessing to me. What ever they wanted to do, just let them do it, to do otherwise would be to rob them of the blessing they would get.

In my darkest days, I found it helpful to send out cards to those I knew who were suffering from some affliction. It helped me to help others however small gesture might be.

Hope and pray today will be a good day for you Robbin, Blessings! Memaw

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Memaw, thanks for understanding, and for the advice.