Dealing with Cancer makes you a pretty selfish person I think. You have so much to deal with, the ups the downs, the Doctors, the Nurses, the hospital where you have lab work done, keeping up with medicines and all the changes that the chemo is making in your body. Your days are consumed with it all. Nothing distracts me from it. NOTHING.
And then there are people who don't know what to say or if you sound a little down or if you ARE a little down they give you a speech that you have to say positive and you should be thankful for this or for that. And then there are people you never hear from, almost like they are hiding from you during this time.
I understand that most people can't understand what you are going through unless they themselves are going through it. And those are the people that say "Oh buck up, you'll get through this just fine!" At the same time I don't want people to feel sorry for me and think I'm done for. It's just hard for people to know what to say or what to do. And I don't blame them. But I don't try and make myself feel better when I don't. And I take the good days for what they are and try and make the most of them.
I've noticed when I'm out and about with my hat or scarves on, some people won't even look me in the eye. These are people I know from town, just people that maybe were customers of mine or that I know from one place or another. It's really kind of funny in a way, as if they are afraid to acknowledge you, perhaps they might catch cancer or something.
I don't really know what point I'm trying to make here except these are just my observations.
I had an email from someone who says to me "Are you ok? Your tone has changed in your emails and I'm worried about you." Well, no, I'm not ok. Am I still fighting with every ounce of my being? Yes, I am but when you are sick, you are sick and I can't be cheery all the time. I can't be positive all the time and so even though I don't tell the whole story, how very sick I can get, how the chemo is taking away my iron, making my blood sugar high, took my hair, causing me not to want to eat because food taste like crap, turns my nails dark, causes me not to be able to even buy my own groceries or hardly get out of my house unless it is to another Dr. appointment or treatment, I am not giving up. But the truth is the truth and I can't sugar coat it or pretend to be ok, because NO, I'm not ok. But I will be. But not now.
Am I being selfish and thinking of nothing but what is going on with me? Yep, I am because it is all I know now. Am I happy that people are living their lives and going places and seeing things and having fun? Yes, I'm happy for them but am I envious? Yes, probably so. And I know that I will be able to do things again, and go places and think about other people, and find my passion in life again, and really care about something again. But right now, I can't .
These are my darkest days, these are the hardest days and I'm facing the treatments that the Dr. told me the first time I met him would be my hardest. That's what I have to look forward to and I'm scared and I'd rather not go through them. But I have no choice. I have the will to live, I'm only 51 years old. I pray that one day when they find a cure for this monster of a disease that the cure and treatment won't be worse than the disease itself. I wish nobody had to go through this. I wish little children didn't have to go through this. I can't imagine how a little child has to suffer through chemo.
So, I guess I just need to get it off my chest how I really feel. The warrior is still inside me, I am not planning on giving up, but am I ok? No, I'm not ok at this moment. I am sick. And I can't pretend for other people's comfort that I'm am not. Can anyone do anything at this point to help me? No, only I can help me and the Doctors that I have to put my faith in, although I sometimes think they are trying to kill me!
Am I ticked off that I have to deal with all this? YES! Do I question why this has to happen to me now? Of course I do. Am I going to kick Cancer's but? You bet! But am I ok now? NO, I'm not, nothing is right in my body and in my world. So please don't expect me to be positive and Miss Sunshine all the time, I can't. I find myself trying to protect the people around me from knowing how bad I can feel. I can't do that anymore, so if my emails have a different tone, I'm sorry. It is what it is and I have to face it the best way I can.
The truth is I am very selfish right now. And that's just how it is. And this too shall pass.